It's Him.

35 and lost
Alone and rejected.
Full of despair
and the pain of a
life nobody wants to live.

Three kids from nowhere
Taken and used.
Decieving and promised.
Blinding believing
And trusting in lies.

Wandering.
Drowning.
Alone and afraid.

20 and alive.
Full of promise and pride.
Ready to tackle
All of life's woes.

Depending on nobody.
Trusting even less.
Resilient and ready
To take down anyone in her path.

Wandering
Fighting
Cynical and closed.

Fifty and seeking.
Scrambling to survive.
Defying the odds
And every statistic

Because of passion
Persistence and
Strength beyond measure

Struggling.
Persevering
Sharing and learning.

Priveleged to know
women with stories
like these.
And I learn from them daily that
Jesus is alive
And it's much deeper than me.

What in the world do we know?
About purpose and faith...
Can we honestly say that we
would know His face?
Can we openly admit
That we're not worthy of grace?

Do we want to truly see what it means to live on our knees?
Are we ready to understand that His love is for more than me?

And if we claim to know that those statements are true?
Then where are our bruises and who are we reaching?
How are we sharing, what are we teaching and
Are we ready to NEVER stop until He says we're through?

35 and lost.
20 and alive.
50 and seeking.

It's not them.
It's not us.
It's Him.
And it's we.

Jordyn Ashley...

So when I was just a babe myself, I found myself pregnant with my daughter Jordyn.  While it might seem that I should've been scared, sad or distraught...I was not.  I was excited and full of joy and couldn't wait for her to be born!  I truly felt that life was a gift and I know that she was God's gift to me and my family.  She was quite the baby...didn't was until about 14 months...didn't sleep through the night until a 1 1/2 years old...and with all the grandparents around I'm quite sure she rarely had the chance to cry!



While she had a sweet disposition from the start...she's also always been a thinker.  She would ask the most in depth questions.  At times she almost seemed melancholy because she could sit in one place for hours.  This would prove beneficial for the future hours she would spend doing homework, reading, writing stories and having move marathons with her friends.  I am grateful that she's always enjoyed using her mind and imagination.



So it's possible that she might be a little dramatic! Ha!  Just possible.  Oh those little girl years.  She didn't like pink, or dressing up, or having her hair brushed, or showering, or really anything that was, well, girlie.  Jordyn loves to enjoy life.  Music, books, movies, family, friends....she has so many different interests and immerses herself 100% to everything she does!



The ultimate big sister.  Baby sitter.  Protector.  Homework helper and quite honestly, often, in her room hider.  :)  She loves her brothers (and her brothers and sister from her dad and step mom)  While they drove her (ok, still drive her) crazy and love to pick on her...she would do anything for them and loves to give them advice and help them out.  I don't know how our home would've functioned without her extra hands and help. 



She's always loved to serve.  She enjoys being able to help others.  I see Jesus' love through her.  In high school her relationship with Christ blossomed and poured out onto others as I saw her enjoy youth group, serve on missions trips, share the gospel with others, teach Sunday school, work at church and stay dedicated to growing closer to Him.


I thought that time was flying by when she graduated from high school...silly me what did I know!  Jordyn made the decision to go to the University of Minnesota-Minneapolis.  I remember many friends wondered if I was worried or if I would have prefered for her to have gone to a Christian university.  Never.  I knew she was heading to just the right place. It was a very prayed over decision.  When we visited for orientation it was even further confirmed.  An incredibly liberal school for an incredibly liberal girl.  A diverse city for a young lady who had incredible love and devotion for all minorities.  And as I thought, she found a great faith community that would afford her wonderful friends.




I love this girl so.  And I can't believe she is 21 already.  What an amazing gem of a person.  What an incredible spirit.  What a golden heart.  As she begins her last year of school and then sets forth into the world, I am so excited to see where God is going to lead her.  Praying that she listens to His voice, allows the Spirit to guide her steps no matter where they may take her and remains faithful to His call on her life.

Happy birthday Jordyn!!!

Elijah's 15--whaaaaat???!!!???!!!

So Elijah is 15.  This blows my mind.  I am not sure where the last 15 years has gone.  I look at this handsome guy and think...wow, what a ride so far!!  This colicky baby that cried 4 hours a day the first months of his life...who would've thought he'd turn out to be one of the most easy going, free spirits you'd ever meet...lol!!


Sweet lil thing, wasn't he?  Don't let those big ol' eyes fool you...lol...this boy cried and cried and cried!!  I remember Marlon and I would pace back and forth, back and forth, taking turns holding him, rocking him.  Marlon likes to say you could set your watch to it.  6pm every night...lol.  We were willing to tr anything.  ANYTHING!  Grandma Calderon finally had the remedy.  Rub olive oil on his belly, neck and ankles...wrap him tightly in a blanket, put on soothing music and put him to bed.  Worked like a charm!






Elijah has always moved a million miles a minute since the day he was born.  I can remember as a toddler...he would just run and run and run and run.  In circles, up the stairs, after his brother, chasing a ball.  It didn't matter--he was moving!  It was not easy to keep up with him at times...lol.  I remember when we'd go places-like the zoo, park, anywhere really we'd have to set a parameter.  Holding his hand didn't work because he'd fight against it the entire way...so we learned that giving him a specific distance that if he stayed within he could walk alone, worked great.  We used to say, 'You need to be within snatching distance...just in case we need to snatch you!"  He wasn't afraid of anything or anyone.



Even at the age of 7 (as in this picture), he was already with the faces!!  We have so many, hysterical pictures of this kid!  He lives to make others laugh.  It's such a gift.  Because there is so much pain, anger, hurt in the world.  But no matter what the circumstance...this kid somehow finds the silver lining, finds the way to stay positive, finds the way to bring joy.  One time I was chaperoning a field trip of his and a little girl in his class asked, "Is Elijah always crazy at home too?"  :)  I was able to answer--why yes he is! He has this amazing wit and sharp mind.  Always thinking.  No filter.  I pray that as he grows he continues to learn and remember that there are times we need to be serious.  That it's okay sometimes to walk through the hurt without making jokes and that there are some people who do not appreciate humor.  But I hope he never stops being himself.  And never stops looking for the joy in life.



Elijah is a lover.  He loves to cuddle.  He loves to spend time with family and friends.  He likes to make people happy.  He's a good listener. This makes him a great friend.  And it makes him easily wounded too.  Even if he doesn't show it.  Because when you wear your heart on your sleeve..it makes it a target.  I love that he cares about others.  I love that he knows when someone needs a hug.  I love that he is affectionate and not afraid of showing it!



This is a kid that marches to his own drummer.  Always has.  And I hope always will.  I love that he doesn't care what others think.  That he does his own thing when it comes to fashion, music, style, etc.  Urkel for Halloween.  Complete with attitude and voice.  That carried on for the rest of the day.  And those glasses?  Um, yeah.  He wore them all day today.  Funny voices.  Silly songs.  Crazy dances.  He doesn't care if it's "in"...if he feels like doing it.  Then he's doing it.  Love that about him!



Love this kid.  Blessed to be his mom.  Amazed at the ways I see him grow and change and mature.  Excited to see how his story is going to unfold.  Grateful that I get to be a part of this life and so hope  that our relationship stays close.  Praying that he continues to look to God for strength and allows the Holy Spirit to guide and direct his steps. 

The world is a much better place because he's in it.

That's what I got today.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This morning I am enjoying the house to myself.  All children and hubby are off involved in some kind of activity away from home and so I asked if anyone cared whether or not I just sat at home.  Yay.  It's these quiet kind of mornings that this season of life doesn't afford me often...but so help me keep a calm that doesn't come naturally to me.

So I sit down to watch a couple of episodes of Our America with Lisa Ling.  I love people, even though they often frustrate me.  I love learning about why they live how they do, where they draw their lines in the sand and how they view and filter the world around them.  I think it's part of what draws me to this show.  Whether or not I agree with how someone is living their life, raising their children...there are times that I might find myself having very strong opposition to something that I see or having a strong reaction to it.  This is usually a conviction of my own self.  That happened this morning.

While watching an episode about pageant families I found myself becoming irritated and sad whenever one of the moms was on screen.  Trying to figure out why I was having such a strong response I realized what it was about.  The father had made it clear that he did not approve of this and that he didn't want his daughter to be a part of it and the mom basically just totally ignored his comments/opinion and went ahead and kept planning/preparing, etc. for the pageant.

When have I been that wife?  Ladies, when have we chosen to ignore and disrespect our husbands?

Believe this.  I am not talking about abuse and domination situations. As I've shared, I was in an abusive relationship and so I know that there are many other issues going on in those relationships.

But if I'm honest.  Then there are many times that I've disrespected him through ignoring his viewpoint, rolling my eyes that he doesn't "get it"  or simply circumvented him entirely by leaving him out of plans--especially things to do with the kids or the house.  This is something that as a strong, independant woman happened often when we first got married.  I'm much more conscious of it now and so quite honestly, I was suprised at how strongly I reacted.  Because I realized what a long way I have to go.  And I could almost hear God said, 'Got off your knees, huh?'

I love when God does that.  Takes an area where I might start to feel self-righteous, like I've conquered shortcomings and then rips it wide open and reminds me...uh, yea, about that.

Oh, it's easy to justify.  It's all around us.  On TV, magazines, movies...relationships around us.  But it's not an excuse because I know better.  And when I stray from that.  Then that's MY problem, my issue.  Not his.  And as a strong woman?  It is wayyyy too easy to pass the buck.

If he didn't...
Well, he nevers...
But he always...
If I don't then...
Can you believe....
I know that...
I want him to...
He needs to...

Shame on us.  Shame on me.

Marriage is hard.  Being with a person for the rest of your life is hard.  And there is great truth to respect and love.  It's biblical.  Men have a desire to be respected.  Women have a need to be loved.  This is not to say that men don't need love or women don't need respect.  But innately, at the core, most men feel loved when they are respected.  Most women feel respected if they are loved.

And I show such great disrespect when I circumvent his opinion, his involvement.  Even over little things.  And I do nothing to grow close to him when I focus on all of the ways he's not doing, being, acting as I'd like.  Like a friend once told me...try for one week to not focus on how he's not meeting your needs but instead worry only about meeting his needs.  When I am feeling frustrated or angry with my husband in general...THIS is usually where I need to start.

He is not perfect.  And showing him respect as the leader of our home doesn't mean that he isn't accountable for his sin, behavior.  To me, it means I am going to stand by him even then.  I do not always behave in loveable ways.  But I expect and hope that he is still going to love me.  Why do we feel that respect is different?

I love my husband and I want him to know that I respect him.  I would never want to disregard his thoughts or opinions because I think that I am 'right' or know better.  I'm thankful that this morning I had opportunity to process through all of this and remind me what kind of wife I'm called to be.  Kinda crazy that a tv show about pageant kids took me there.  But that's the way it goes sometimes.

That's what I got today.

3,2,1 what???

There's this mom I know.  She has three litte guys, stairstep in age.  3, 2 and 1. 

They are constantly moving. Running. Jumping. Screaming. Fighting. Pushing. Laughing. Crying.
One is almost always poking another in the eye.
One is almost always pulling on her clothes.
One is almost always trying to run away.

And she is frazzled.  Beside herself. 

Oh my do I relate.
Isaiah was born 5/20/96.  Elijah was born 7/17/97.  Israel was born 10/20/98.
It makes my head spin to think about now!

Today one of her son's threw a cup at someone because he was angry and she said, "I bet one of your boys would never have done that!"  I laughed and told her, "Done that?  They might do that NOW!"

But it got me thinking.
About being a mom.
And the stages we go through.
And what the 'world' tells us is "right".

I so want the women around me to know that there are no easy answers.  I so want them to know that the trendy moms they see on TV shows who have things handled perfectly are not reflective of real life.  Real life?  Well, for some, that's nothing pretty.

Confession #1: I did not cherish every sweet moment.  Quite honestly, I don't remember a ton of 98 or 99 athough I KNOW there were sweet moments in there!  (I have pictures to prove it)  I had three in diapers, a new husband, a young daughter and worked.  I am not saying that as a badge of honor.  In fact for a long time I felt bad that my kids had somehow missed out because I didn't nibble their toes every time I changed their diapers.  In fact.  We did diapering as an assembly line.  If one was getting changed-everyone was getting changed!

Confession #2: I yelled and lost my cool.  I once threatened to leave my 5,4 and 3 year old in the grocery store if they did not stop saying, "Momma".  And I think I just might have been serious.  I once snatched up two of my boys and marched them over to their dad at Chuck E. Cheese; shoved them at him and said, 'I need to leave before something goes through the window' and then walked out without another word.  I once locked myself in the bathroom crying from despair as they knocked on the door wondering what was wrong.  Which of course made me cry harder because they were so sweet.  (ok.  that happened more than once)

Confession #3:  I likely neglected my daughter at pivotal times because of the three lil hooligans I had to chase after and the exhaustion I felt.  She never complained.  And she's loved me greatly in spite of it.  I am so grateful that 5 years we had alone seemed to carry her over during the next 5 when I was likely a crazy woman.  It always made me so thankful that she had her dad and his family so fully engaged in her life.  I know that's not the norm.  I do not know and likely never will know how that might've affected her.

Confession #4: I do not know how I did it.  Now of course I give as encouragement...this stage will end, they won't always be in diapers, you won't always have to dress them, they will stop picking their nose.  But at the time.  It sure as heck did not seem like it.  And I had a husband who was a big help, right in the trenches together. And.  He was a big comfort to me and quite honestly kept me sane.  But I do not know how because it seemed like it would never end.

I look at my kids now and I know that God equips and He makes beautiful things out of dust.  

That's what I want to encourage moms with.

You will mess up.  You will lose your cool.  You will forget some milestones.  You will want to run.  You will be overwhelmed.  You will leave your house unshowered.  You will have throw up on you.  You will cry.  You will worry that you aren't doing it right.  And there will be times you won't be.

But you get on your knees day after day and you ask Him for forgiveness and to give you what you need for the day.  And time after time he does.  And then some.

That's what I got today.

What's color got to do with it?

I would like to start this post by saying this is my opinion and my experiences and things I recognize as being hindrances.  I know that I can come across a little bold and angry.  Some things make me angry.  I am okay with this.  You may not be okay with that.  I understand and hope we can love each other anyway.

Just this past school year my son's class was "informed" by a teacher that the reason black people can run so well is because they have an extra muscle in thier leg.

Does this statement bother you?  If so, why?  If not, why not?

The class responded to it in various ways...some kids believing it.  Some kids upset she would say something so ridiculous.  Some kids questioning it.

Someone actually said they didn't understand why a few of the black kids were upset that she said this.  Didn't they realize it was a compliment?

Even my own son, who is black incidentally and who has never heard such absurdity from us, came home and had to ask, that's not true-is it?  His gut told him no...but he figured a teacher must know.  Alas...we told him he's just a good athlete because he works hard-there's no magic extra muscle that's going to kick in
We see and hear statistics.  And then we accept them. 
We might even begin to form opinions as a result of them.  And we blindly jump on bandwagons and make assumptions and spew out all kind of divisive thoughts.  Often times because we do not engage in life with people who do not look like us, we can only base our viewpoints on statistics, the news, etc. because we have no real life experience.

Here is something you may have heard:

There is a higher percentage of minorities in prison than white people. 
What do we do with this?
Do we accept that as truth and then leave it as that.....so that it subconsciously peppers our thinking?  Do we question why it is true?  I mean...are minorities more 'prone' to committing crimes?  Could there be some merit to the line of thinking that our judicial system might be biased and quality counsel not readily available to everyone?  Could minorities really just be lacking some moral conduct gene that makes them want to break the law?  Do we really think that minorities commit more crimes than white people?  Did you know that minority youth arrested for drug possession for the first time are incarcerated at a rate that is about 50% times greater than white youth arrested for the first time?  Why?

Here are things I know to be true.

Racism exists.  And it should matter to all of us to reach deep into the pits of our souls to examine our biases.  Because it is an ugly truth that plagues our country and if white people continue to turn a blind eye to it....nothing changes. 

It's of great detriment to bridging gaps for people to say things like,  'Why do they always have to bring race into it.'   um.  Who is 'they'?  We can recognize that white privilege runs so deep that we often don't realize it is ingrained into our thinking.
'Slavery ended a long time ago...so why can't people just get over it.'     The average person does realize this.  Do you know the year?  Especially those that are so quick to spout off this sentiment.  Do you know the year?  There are arguments that based on state laws that were put in place to block the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 that it wasn't fully abolished until 1928.  Also many don't think of or realize or maybe don't even know that Jim Crow laws and then segregation lasted a long long time after slavery ended.  There were still lychings up to 1968.  Not 1868.  1968.  That is only 44 years ago.  Um I'm going to be 41.  This is not a long time people.  Can we at least please acknowledge that?  And can we acknowledge that there are many people groups who are racially discriminated against that aren't black.
Indigenous people groups.  Latino people groups.  Asian people groups.  Middle Eastern people groups.


'People have the same opportunities and can be whatever they want'   Anyone who thinks this statement is true has never set foot out of their comfort zone.  Opportunity is not the same depending on the color of your skin.  It should be and people of color must continue to break down walls.  But opportunity is not the same.

'The color of your skin doesn't matter.  We all bleed red.'   Inherently we know this doesn't matter.  Praise God that we are all created in His image and it doesn't matter what color you are or what your background it.  But unfortunately many do not live as if this is true.  The fact that you know minorities who are wealthy and educated is not proof that racism doesn't exist.  And the fact that our President is black isn't proof of that either.  Please believe that.

I could go on and on.  I so love to think and pray and discover about people, justice, opportunity and lack of it...think and dream about what this world could be like if we just cared enough to educate ourselves on things we struggle with as much as things we enjoy.

I'm including some links to some wonderful articles/pieces that I think are of great value in reading.  I pray they make you think.  I know they have done that for me.  Take from them what you will. 

Diversity vs. White Privilege

What White People Can Do About Racism

America's Public Schools: Still Unequal and Unjust


Follow God where He leads.  Just strap on the suitbelt for the ride.


Share.  Give.  Listen.  Laugh.  Pray.  Grow

That's what I got today.

Abuse...

I hope that anyone reading my blog has realized through my posts that I certainly do not think I have the answers...at best, I somehow always seem to ask more questions!!  Being inquisitive by nature and a learner by choice, I often find myself viewing life differently than many around me.  Not better or worse...but different.  And I know that my heritage, my crazy life before Christ, my raw way of seeing things can bring a different perspective than many.  So.  I share. 

Abuse.

You could talk about abuse for days, weeks, months on end and still never put a dent into fully understanding the ramifications it has on an individual.  There are so many kinds of abuse and so many individuals who have experienced some kind of abuse...I am one of them.

I certainly didn't set out to be in an abusive relationship.  In fact, if anyone had told me prior to that relationship that I would be I would have laughed.  I certainly wasn't "that" woman.  That woman that is so dumb, so blind, so naive to what's really going on.  But I was.

I actually didn't have a lot of relationship experience.  A couple of very short, very high school relationships which weren't very "real" and then Jordyn's father.  We were together quite some time, obviously very intimate and he had proposed.  That was the depth of my knowledge when I first met this man. 

Too clingy.  Too nosy.  Too demanding.  Moving too quickly.  I was only 20 and just out of a 2 year relationship I wasn't ready for full blown "wifey" status.  We'll call him
Fred.  I was able to cut my ties quickly because I moved to Whitewater, had my daughter and school to think about and wasn't ready.  Whew.

What followed were several years of mass chaos and destructive behaviors with men.  It aches my heart to know what I chose to be a part of and the negative that still at times affects me today.   I share that simply to say that I believe it played a part of what led me to return to him.  And also to acknowledge the amazing power of redemption.

As I slowly began to realize that being an 'around the way filet' might not be for me and certainly wasn't going to lead to anything meaningful Fred began to pop back up.  Because I still went out in the same circles quite honestly he was always still there...I just didn't see him.  But he began to pursue me.  And because it was what I thought  I was looking for at the time...I allowed myself to be pursued.

Our relationship moved quickly.  And honestly, painfully.  From the beginning there was emotional abuse.  Withholding affection.  Belittling.  Name calling.  But there were also some good times so you overlook.  And you make excuses.  And you choose to be blind.  After all he wasn't physically abusing me.



That 'honeymoon' phase you read about...it's real.  And so we got engaged.  I know.  Can't explain other than to say living a lie is very hard to come out of.

The first time he put his hands on me we were arguing over something.  I can't even remember what.  But whatever  I said made him so mad that he grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed me into the kitchen wall.  So hard that my shoulder blades left holes in it.  I got so scared and angry myself that I began to grab his face and scratch him.  So bad that I knicked his eye.  This of course caused great drama at how angry and abusive I was that I would mark him and led to me apologizing over and over.  The decision was made to get help.

That never got to happen before the second time.  The second time is hard to write about even now.  It began leaving a party celebrating my dance team's opening night of our show.  It ended with me being unconscious in a lot next to our parking lot with him on top of me trying to revive me and the police arriving after a neighbor called them. 

I never went back.  After the hospital.  The police station.  My parent's fear.  I couldn't.  And I slowly began to come out of the fog.

Here's the piece I think that can make cycles.  If you don't own up to your own part of the experience (now I'm not talking about child abuse where a child does not have control over the situation) and your choices in the situation....you are prone to repeat.  And you are still living the lie.

The reality is that I don't know whether or not someone speaking up would have made a difference.  After the fact several friends and family let me know that they were wondering what I was thinking and they were worried.  Not one person said anything to me.  It might not have mattered.  It might have made me mad.  It might have made me stop and think.  I do not blame anyone.  Not any of them.  Not me and not even him.  I see only the ramifications of our choices and why we need to so openly and honestly live.  We need to ask the hard questions.  We need to say things that aren't easy to say.  We need to sometimes err on the side of hurt feelings to get to the truth.  I never want to say 'I told you so'....but I never want to hear someone say 'Why didn't you say anything?'

Domestic abuse happens for a bunch of reasons and it hurts and hinders for a long time.  Without Christ in my life to help show me how to forgive and live in freedom...I know I wouldn't be in a good marriage with a man I trust with the deepest, darkest parts of me.  It creeps in from time to time....the fear, the worry, the worthlesness...but I know that is not of God and I know to claim those thoughts and give them to Him.  I know that it is only by His grace.

Women in abusive relationships should know they can leave.  They should be safe.  They should put their kids first.  They should know they are worth more than what they are getting.  But sometimes they don't.  And sometimes they can't see how.  And sometimes they don't know any different.  And it's easy to make it a made for TV movie or expose' on Primetime rather than a real woman living in real fear while searching for real love.

But real love is what she needs.  The redemptive, powerful, forgiving, never ending well of love that Christ can offer and we as the body can show her. 

We are salt and light.  Where do we stand in the gap?

Share.  Give.  Listen.  Laugh.  Pray.  Grow.

That's what I got today.

Starting with Poverty

Somewhere in the middle of right and left, pro and anti, stand for and stand against....we've lost what matters.

It's human nature really.

We are so prone to wander.

What if for a moment we decided that whatever the cost we were going to find commonalities and build upon them?
What if for a moment conservative didn't mean evil and liberal didn't mean idiot?
What if we remembered, especially those of us who claim to be believers, that politicians are doing a job and are simply human beings.  Many of them, republican and democratic, will lie sometime while in office and many of them will not have set out to do so.  They can not "save" a community.  Their policies and bills and laws (which incidentally really aren't "theirs") can not "fix" all of the issues at hand.

There are social concerns that have been social concerns since the beginning of time. 

Poverty.  Abuse.  Racism.   Crime.   Greed.   Homelessness.

It has not mattered who was in office.  These things remain.  How they are, or if they are dealt with, might change and other matters might emerge more prevalent...but they are some standard things that as a society we've had to contend with.  What are we doing about them?  How do they change?

I've been chewing on this for quite some time and finally feel that I can adequately share my thoughts about it.  Personally, I think we do a lot of hiding behind our political party and agenda and standing on our soap boxes of what "others" are really like when we don't know the first thing about those "others" because we have our opinions based on some news broadcast, or media hype or our special situation which we've somehow decided is the average American experience.

Blech.

  
Where are our values?  Just gonna break it down.  Poverty.

Do we really want to see poverty stamped out of our society or do we just want to make sure that OUR family doesn't fall below the poverty level?  Do we care that there are children in our communities that go to bed without food?  Or do we think since there is a foodshare program (cuz "foodstamps" in a booklet how many of you think of them do not exist anymore.)  and "those" people get them then there is no reason for any child to be hungry?  Are we entering into the lives of "poor" people or do we just see them as a great 'cause'?  Do we realize that in order to recieve cash assistance, which is W-2 (there is no more welfare that ended in 1995) that participants are engaged in 30-40 hours of activity for a payment of $653 per month?  There is no financial increase for more children.  There is a time limit of 24 months.  And there are many regions/counties where as long as you have your GED they will not consider you eligible for this placement.  That means they might be able to sign up for W-2 but they will not recieve any cash payment at all.  If someone has medical or mental health issues or medical issues with a child and has legitimate reasons why they can't participate in activities, then the payment is $608 per month.  There is a time limit of 24 months for this placement as well. 

If you are over a certain age education doesn't have to be allowed as an activity at all.  Don't see the issue?  You might be a 27 year old young woman who dropped out of school because you had a child very young and now two more children later are working to get your life back on track.  $653 won't sustain you and can't for long anyway.  But because of how old you are....you might not be allowed to obtain your GED as part of your hours of activity because your hours of activity should help you become "job ready".  Wouldn't obtaining a GED help make a 27 year old with 3 children and limited work history job ready?

I share all of this for this main reason.  If much of what I wrote you had no clue about...you had never heard that before....you have never experienced it firsthand....then please stop blah blah blah'ing about women who spend their lives on welfare-who have more kids to get more money and who need to just go and get a job!!! 

Because you know not of which you speak and you are doing more damage than good.

Here's what I am beginning to feel unfortunately.

The majority of us.  Don't really care. 

Oh we care in the sense that we want poor people to just stop being poor.  I mean, we are the land of opportunity aren't we?  "Our" people pulled themselves up from the bootstraps didn't they?  People are poor because they choose to be...or they are addicts....or they are criminals. We care in the way that we get disgusted when it hinders us in some way.  We care so long as "they" don't infringe on our daily activites. 

But we don't care in a way that breaks our hearts.  We don't care like Jesus cared.  We claim to desire to be like Him.  But too often, we really don't want to.  Because if we did...man, that's sloppy and messy and hard and sometimes irritating.  Unsettling and costly.  But right.  And good.  And just.

Personally  think it's a cop out to say, "Well I don't know how to get involved?"

You can find the most obscure little restaurant in the most obscure little European town to visit on your vacation...but you can't figure out how to fight poverty?  You can network how to get a huge discount at a store...but you can't fgure out how to fght poverty?

B.S.  Sorry if that is offensive to any of you.  But really.  B.S.

Next year.  Is too late.
Next month.  Is too late.
Next week.  Is too late.
It's time now.

Share.  Give.  Listen.  Laugh.  Pray.  Grow.

That's what  I got today.

Isaiah the birthday boy...

The Story of Isaiah

So once upon a time God gave us a sweet lil boy who was the apple of our eyes.  He slept through the night from the day he came home from the hospital.  He loved to snuggle and he almost never cried.  He was the kind of baby that had a smile for everyone and learned quickly.  He was very aware of his surroundings.

From a young age he was a protector and friend.  His family...his friends...as far back as kindergarten  I can remember him stepping up to the plate if others were being picked on or mistreated.  He has high expectations for those he loves.  This is both blessing and curse.  Isaiah is loyal and loves his family and friends deeply.

Isaiah has always enjoyed the time he gets to spend with his dad. (his grandfathers as well)  I see so much of Marlon in Isaiah.  He watches him, he strives to be like him, he is eager to make him proud.  I love watching them together and watching Marlon teach him to be a man.

This young man is and always has been a hard worker and disciplined.  Even at age 10, when a coach told him that the team should be runnng 2 miles a day for soccer...he ran 2 miles a day.  Schoolwork, diet, sports...he sets goals and when he achieves them he sets new ones.  It is so inspiring to watch him.

He has always loved his momma.  Whether it's sticking up for me...doing something for me...giving me a compliment....helping to calm me down when I'm getting frazzled.  So so blessed.  I know I am lucky to have a kid like this.  I pray that we continue to have such a close relationship.

Eventually he became old enough to have a girlfriend! :O   This was shocking to me...lol.  As a mom, I see him being a pretty good boyfriend and he chose a very sweet, fun and nice girl.  I enjoy seeing him learn and understand girls better, relationships better, emotions better.  Plus her parents like him...so that is telling.  I have always been in prayer over my kid's relationships and I continue to do so.  As they continue through high school it's fun to watch them grow.

Isaiah is a leader.  From his 6th grade teacher who told us, "I could really see this kid being president someday", to coaches who tell us what a role model he is, to his own brothers who look up to him.  He is just now coming into realization that he has influence.  This is powerful stuff and also a little scary.  He can carry burdens that aren't his to carry sometimes.  But he also weighs his actions carefully and tries to make wise decisions.  His conscientious nature is what patterns his intregrity.

I am so proud of this kid!  Determination.  And I'm excited to see what God has in store for him.  My prayer continues to be that he stays close to God and remembers that without Him; he can do nothing.

His story continues to be written and I'm so thankful to be a part of it.

To God be the glory.

That's what I got today.

Lessons learned...

What if the lessons we taught our children we followed ourselves?  How different would things be?

Don't call other people names.   I mean really....how many grown folks do we know that refer to other's in negative ways?  Too many.  How many times do we do it?  Especially if they don't agree with us?  Especially if we don't approve of their behavior. 

Use your manners.  When's the last time you let someone have the parking space you'd been eyeing up?  Or held open a door for someone.  Is please a part of your normal vocabulary?  Really thanked a cashier or bagger or waitress?  Not in a habit kind of way, but making eye contact and acknowleding their presence?

Don't be a follower.  Be a leader.  We don't have to do what everyone else is doing.  We don't have to be "yes men".  We can use our minds and experiences to form our own opinions.  If someone is heading down a dark path we can go a different way.  We can speak our minds.  We can stand up for ourselves and what is right.

Show respect.  Even if people disagree...even if they don't use their manners...even if they don't show respect....we can.  We might not respect someone's actions or choice...but as a human being we can show them respect.  We can respect property.  We can respect rules.  We can respect authority.  There are so many instances where we just don't show respect.  Can't park there?  Then don't park there.  Someone asks you to turn down your music?  Turn it down.  Someone older than you need a seat?  Stand up and make your kids stand up too.

Share.  We do miserably at this.  Time, energy, skills, money, resources, stuff.  We are a very selfish society.  We might not mind giving...but often only if it doesn't put us out or cost us anything.  Here's something that might make you stop and think.  Giving away your extra or leftovers is nice...but it's not sharing.  By definition alone.  Dividing and distributing what you have?  That's sharing.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.   I mean really, need I say more?

Say you're sorry.  If we hurt other people...we need to apologize.  Not in a hasty way..that often shows we don't really mean it and we just want them to stop being a baby.  But in a truly heartfelt and kind way, acknowledging that we messed up.

Forgive.  We must forgive.  It will eat us up inside if we don't.  The bitterness of unforgiveness will rear it's ugly head in so many ways.  Our hearts will harden and we can even become jaded and super sensitive.  We are forgiven by an amazing God so we must extend that forgiveness out to others.

Such simple lessons.  We expect our children to adhere to many of them.  Are we?

That's what  I got today.

the mystery of ministry...

'We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life.  We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for.  The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God....the leadership about which Jesus speaks is of a radically different kind from the leadership offered by the world.  It is a servant leadership in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader.' 
In the Name of Jesus by Henri J. M. Nouwen

Reading this today struck such a chord with me.  I can look into my ministry over the years and see times when I almost drank the kool-aid.  When I almost began to believe own hype.  I didn't even realize it or see it coming.  It's the carefully crafted way that Satan sneaks in on us.  It scared me.

I love Jesus.

He has changed everything about my life.  Drawing close to God and striving daily to walk in obedience to His ways continues to mold me and chisel away at my sinful self.  The freedom with which I am able to express that love is only because of Holy Spirit power.

But I will never "arrive" while I am here on earth.
I will never have the right formula for ministry.
I will never reach a target group.
I will never be able to determine the most effective ways to bring people to God.
I will never be able to "set the stage" for hearts to be convicted.

Because I, quite honestly, have very little to do with any of it.

I am sinful.  I am broken.  I am vulnerable. 
I am limited.
He is not.

He is sinless.  He is whole.  He is authority.
He is limitless.

I do not have all the answers and I do not need to.  He is the answer.

There is no benchmark or goal for ministry.
The only thing I am concerned with is loving and feeding the sheep.

He heals.
He convicts.
He protects.
He delivers.
He saves.

I just pray that I am able to get myself out of the way so that He can use me as He sees fit.  Some days I do that well.  Some days...not so much.  

All I can do is love Him and then share that love with others.  It is the greatest joy of my life.  I am so grateful.

That's what I got today.

Some people who are homeless...

Some people who are homeless...have jobs.
Some people who are homeless...do not have jobs but they pound the pavement looking for work. 
Some people who are homeless...have never had a job before and are scared to enter the workforce.

Some people who are homeless...have college degrees.
Some people who are homeless...did not graduate from high school and would like to now, but it can be difficult as an adult to return to school and juggle responsibilities.
Some people who are homeless...do not see education as something that can benefit them, often because it is not viewed as obtainable.

Some people who are homeless...have supportive families who are just not in a place to give them a long term place to stay.
Some people who are homeless...have family that would open up their homes but it's not a healthy environment and so they don't want to expose their children to that.
Some people who are homeless...do not have any family.

Some people who are homeless...have hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have bought into Satan's (and unfortunately often our societies) lies that they are not worth having hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have given up on hopes and dreams and goals because life just never seems to go their way and they are discouraged.

Some people who are homeless...have never done drugs and do not have addictions.
Some people who are homeless...have used drugs or are using drugs but have desire to quit.
Some people who are homeless...have become addicted and aren't sure if they even could quit.

Some people who are homeless...are white, brown, black, male, female, young, old, single, have children, are married, ARE children.

I can't express to you my deep sadness when I read ignorant statements on facebook and made in casual conversation regarding people who are homeless.  The most recent one was posed as a political joke.  It actually hurt my heart to read it.  And it hurt it worse that people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ liked this comment. 

We need to do better.

That's what I got today.

My mind wanders...

My head is full of random wanderings tonight.  A little all over the place.  When I get like this I know it's best to get them all down and then flush them out later.


1.  I always hope, even in the weary times of anguish, that I am able to convey to my children how much they mean to me.  I never want them to doubt that.  They inspire me to live obedient to God's call on my  life.  They bring me incredible joy and laughter!  They encourage me and challenge me...they shower me with love and affection.  I want to reciprocate in outstanding ways...not so they think I'm "cool" or their "friend" but so they learn and know that what we say and do matters and they learn to be about something and stand up for truth and love!!  It does matter what you say and how you respond.  It does matter how you treat others and that you forgive.  It does matter that you remember your integrity.  May I always strive to show them through my own actions and struggles versus telling them.  May I live a life worthy of emulating...not because of me but because of Christ in me!

2.  My husband never ceases to amaze me.  He is famous for silly cards that make me laugh out loud.  Somehow he always finds the perfect one.  I've been in a sensitive place recently...and when I opened my Mother's Day card from him today...it brought tears to my eyes that he knows me so well.  It was a beautifully sweet card with a super sentimental message that again was the perfect one.  Shame on me for ever doubting his devotion and love to me and our life, for the times that I have allowed Satan to get in my head and twist my thoughts and place motive where there was none.  I am grateful for a man who is not perfect and doesn't expect me to be. 

3.  I can not adequately express what having Jesus in my life means to me.  I am so broken and weak...I have sinful desires and evil thoughts...I do not always choose the high road.  Allowing myself to die to myself and choose to live in obedience is a freedom that I do not know what I would do without.  The idea that He chose to lay down His life for me?  To give up everything for a sheep that's prone to wander?  It blows my mind.  He is always there and He never fails.  At the deepest and darkest moments in my life-He is there.  I never face things alone and when I feel like I am alone then it is simply because I am not tapped into my power source.  It is because I am choosing to be a baby and throw a tantrum and pity party.  I do this much more than I wish I did.  I can't stop seeking Him.  Can't stop following fast after Him because when I do...everything falls apart.  I want to encourage others to stay in their Word.  To stop proclaiming to be a believer in Christ when they do not desire to live obediently to His word.

4.  I do not understad why people who say they are believers post such angry, hateful things on websites like facebook/twitter/etc.  Jesus's message is clear.  Love.  Love the Lord and love others.  It is especially distressing when it's not an opinion about a situation they experienced or a person they know...but a blanket statement about people who are liberal, or republican, or homosexual, or homeless, or a teen mom, or an illegal immigrant...why?  How is that bringing glory to the Kingdom?  How is that representing Christ well?  I try to use all of those statements and idealogies to cement my deep desire to give Him everything and allow Him to transform my heart and soul to match His.  I pray that I continue to learn and re-learn that I need to always return to love and allow that to rule my life and pattern my behavior.

5.  When you see the world with a broken heart...everything changes.

6.  Being a Christian does not equal republican.  Being a minority does not equal democratic.

7.  I have been gone from Elmbrook for 6 months this Friday.  I continue to be amazed at how God released me from there, just as smoothly as He brought me there.  Sometimes I want to cry when I think of just how He worked every little detail.  I struggled greatly to remain obedient to His leading and His timing.  My dear friend was right.  You will have treasured sweet memories and anything else will fade away.  

8.  Can't do anything but praise His name.  Man God is good.

More than a J.O.B.

I love my job so much.  Sometimes I am still floored at how God orchestrated the last year of my life.  It was just about a year ago that I agreed to stay in my position at Elmbrook with some minor changes.  I let them know at that time that I had to be totally honest and I couldn't commit to more than a year, maybe even only 6 months because I felt like God was calling me to use my gifts in a different way and I wasn't sure what that meant.  Who could've known other than Him what the year was going to hold for me?

Today was one of those days at work that I just can't stop praising Him for His provision, His faithfulness, His love.  I was brought to tears more than once today for different reasons...from laughter, from pain, from joy, from heartache.

Today I had the privilege of praying over one of our ladies and her children with my co-workers when she received hard news.

Today I had the privilege of teaching a resume writing class which really somehow became a movtivational class encouraging ladies to never give up, to never give in and to never settle.

Today I had the privilege of working on budgeting with a mom who is getting back on her feet.

Today I had the privilege of worshipping at the top of my lungs in my office with the windows and door open to bless the area where I work and the ladies that live there.

Today I had the privilege to hug someone who needed it.

Today I got to pray over the phone with one of my clients who was having a hard day.

I get tired.  There are days I am not sure that I am equipped with the patience and devotion, strength and knowledge, love and mercy needed for the day.

But I don't need to worry.  Because He is all of those things and with Holy Spirit power I can tackle my day.  And when I am weary...my ladies and my coworkers remind me of who is in charge and I am covered with a peace that transcends all understanding.

Several years ago at a Kids Kamp, this was the key verse

Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

It was so impactful to me that week.  I love how the Word is alive and so it is new to us and applies in differernt ways at different times.  Because those same words have been so sustaining to me.

Life is so much more than we could ever think it is.
And yet it is so amazingly simple.

Love.
Love Him.
Love others.

I can't remember a time when I've been more aware of those two things and my intense deep need to be obedient to them.  Man, He does good stuff.

That's what I got today.

Damaged....

I have been married over 14 years.  It's been the most wonderful and difficult relationship I've ever been in.  I had always dreamed and planned on being married.  The thought of being a wife was special to me.

Looking back on relationships that I had prior to my husband...it's quite amazing that I'm sitting here; full of love and content with my life...with the strong, loyal, patient bear I'm married to sleeping upstairs.

I made so many mistakes.

I gave away myself without regard for the cost.
I pretended to be someone I wasn't to make someone happy.
I withheld my love.
I refused to be vulnerable.
I chose men who did not care about me.
I chose men who were not healthy.
I chose men who were selfish.
I was selfish.
I was immature.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was not a believer so I didn't have a biblical foundation to pattern my steps after.  I did have loving parents and they had a great marriage.  But there was also much brokenness of love around me.  There was a world beckoning me to give in and give it up.

I put up with things that nobody should ever put up with from a boyfriend.  I lied to and WAS lied to. I used my sexuality to control.  I allowed myself to be controlled.

So much damage.

I was a damaged girl.  Danity Kane had this song out called, Damaged.  The chorus says, 'I thought that I should let you know that my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged...and you can blame the one before, so how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it.'  I remember once telling my sons that if they met a girl like that to RUN, RUN, RUN...lol.  But I guess if someone had told Marlon that we wouldn't be together!

Here's the thing.

I brought that damage into my marriage.  And it hurt it.  Sometimes, it STILL hurts it.  It is hard work to put the past in it's proper place.  It took a lot of time to forgive myself.  

God is so loving.  And faithful.  He never fails and always sustains.

And for every lie I was told.  He shows me the truth.
For every immoral act..  He created me new.
For every weak, broken action.  He patterns me in His likeness.
For every hurt.  He is joy.

His son died on a cross for every sin, every condemnation, every wicked way in me.  Through His sacrifice I can live eternally in Heaven.  His word is my living word and I have helper in the Holy Spirit

I am no longer that damaged young woman.
I left her at the cross.

She is a part of who I was but she does not determine who I am.


That's what I got today.

If We are the Body...

Have you heard the song If We are the Body?

This song has always touched me.  It's not that I don't think the body never helps, never teaches, never reaches...but I worry that we get it wrong more often than we think we do.  Pride is never pretty.  But it's even less attractive from those that should know better.

May I never become complacent and settle for my own poor behavior.  May I never become boastful in something that has nothing to do with me.  May I never think that I have it figured out...or that there is a 'right' way to do ministry or a 'right' way to reach people or a 'right' way to deliver the gospel.

I think of the girl mentioned in the first verse.
What happens when this girl enters our youth groups...our bible study...our congregation?

The man in the second verse.
Does he feel welcome?  If he isn't dressed right...doesn't "fit in"...is he treated with the same welcome?


We don't get to pick and choose who comes.
And when we think we do.  Shame on us.

We don't get to send people away that don't fit in or act right.
And when we think we do.  Have mercy on us.

When I hear this song I usually cry.

I cry because I know that girl.
I cry because I know that traveller.

And I cry because I never want to get in His way with my agenda.  And I grieve for times I know I have.

My life would be nothing without Him.
I can't even imagine where I would be without Him.
How painful and sorrowful life would be without the hope of the cross!
I can't even imagine how I would handle heartache without His peace!

To think that I might hinder that relationship for someone else in anyway...it drives me to stay close to Him and remember that He is God and I am not.  I want to share His love and truth with others so that they might know the freedom that comes from following fast after Christ.  It's not about how they act.  What they wear.  What they say.  What they look like or even if they follow all of the "rules".  It's not about me.  It's only about Him.

That's what I got today.

So you're saying that's sin?!

I had a few interactions the other day that have stuck with me and been rattling around in my brain.

While leading a study on John 1:1-5 I opened up the last few minutes for questions.  Based on the attitudes and skepticism of the group to that point, I almost hesitated to do so,  but I had promised that I would, so I had to keep my word.

The first few questions were based much on asking my opinions about different things.  One young lady asked a parenting question which led to sharing an example from my own family.  Another asked what I really thought about forgiveness which led to sharing an example of a person I have to forgive over and over.  One asked about Heaven and I shared about my Grandpa who would soon be meeting Jesus.
Then the kicker.

'So I have a question for you.  I guess I'm wondering your opinion on something.  Because I know how I feel about it, but I'm wondering what you do.  So, like, I'm married okay.  But we aren't together and haven't been so it's whatever.  And now I love my boyfriend and I know he's the one and we have this baby and we want to make things work but because I'm still married it's like kind of weird.  So what, based on what you believe, you're telling me that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

'The two of us loving each other and being together and having this baby, because I'm a "married woman" (and she made quotes in the air)...that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

At this point she leaned forward a little and got this smirk on her face.  'But my husband and I have not even been together in like years. So it's like we're divorced.  And he's moved on too.  And I have this baby now.  This precious gift.  But you're saying me being with him is sinning.'

'Yes.'

Another participant looked from me to her, from me to her and then said, 'Wow, I guess she told you!'

I kind of shook my head and said, 'Are you married to one man and having a sexual relationship with another?'  The woman said, 'Well yes.'  She paused. 'So that's like adultery right?'

I nodded. 

'Well.  Thank you.  At least you were honest with me.  I've asked that question to two other people here and I could tell that they thought it was but they wouldn't come out and tell me so.'

Then I asked if I could expand a little.

I shared with her that I couldn't judge her for her choices, but I couldn't pretend that it wasn't sin just to save her feelings.  I told her that I didn't know where she was at with her relationship with Christ and so I didn't know if that's something that matters to her or not.  Before I was a believer there were things I chose to do that I knew inside of me were wrong for moral reasons, but didn't really have a biblical foundation to temper that against.  I also shared with her that based on the fact that she even asked the question...I was wondering if she was either trying to "catch" me being hypocritical or if somewhere inside of herself she already felt that it was sin and wanted someone else to say it.

I shared with her that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God.  I shared with her that we have free will and so we have choices.  That we are not slaves to sin because God sent His son Jesus Christ to suffer persecution, die on the cross and rise from the dead so that we might live for eternity.  That Satan does not have any power over us that we do not allow because death has been defeated by the victory of the cross!!  I told her that God loves her, each of us, despite our sin.  

She told me that there's always been a part of her that thought that might be part of why things don't seem to go well with this new relationship and that maybe she needs to think about ending the first one before trying to make the second one work. She also said she was glad I didn't try to sugercoat anything.

Class ended.  For a brief moment I wondered if I might have gone a little too direct knowing there were other ladies in the room and that we hadn't had a ton of time to really discuss the situation.  Would she think I was too harsh, had I expressed myself clearly and with love...  All of that got cut very short because that is when I got the voicemail that my Grandpa Skinner had died and the next hour was spent making calls, crying with my co-workers and processing.  As I was getting ready to leave, one of my coworkers let me know that one of the ladies might say something to me because she had seen the crying and asked her what was wrong.  She had let her know my grandfather had died.  My coworker wanted to give me the heads up.

Moments later there was a knock on the office door.  I opened it and it was the woman from class.  She asked if she could talk to me for a minute.  I stepped into the hallway and she got tears in her eyes and said, "I heard about your Grandpa.  You were just talking about him!  I wanted to say I'm really sorry!" And then she hugged me.  And we cried.  And we hugged. 

I thanked her.  She told me that she was going to pray for me and my family and told me again that she was sorry.  I thanked her again and told her to have a good weekend.

Be prepared to be taught lessons when you are least expecting them. Grateful.

That's what I got today.

Matthew 7:1-5

So as I was reading the bible this morning I got to Matthew 7.

The disclaimer I have here is that I am not a devoted, devout daily bible reader.  I try to be.  And sometimes I am.  When I worked at the church I was...but more often than not it was in preparation for a teaching or curriculum or study than just because I wanted to read for myself.  So in the last few months I admit that I only open it a few days a week.  I write this to encourage you that if it's been days, weeks or years since you've opened your bible.  Today could be the day you start.

I digress.

Matthew 7: 15 says this, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Yikes.

Talk about conviction.  Because I judge.  Even in an effort not to judge, I judge.  And so often in relationships it's easy to look at all of the things about the other person that we wish were different.  Meanwhile there's a laundry list of behaviors, choices, thoughts, actions that we do that need to be changed.

For me, I always have to go back to one thing.

I live for an audience of One.  And I desire for every thought and deed to be in line with what He commands.  I fail at that miserably by the way.  But it's what I desire.  And it's why I get up every morning and set about to get it right.

My marriage to Marlon has been wonderful teaching ground for this passage. 

There are things that I know Marlon might change about me if he could.  There are things I might change about him if I could.  But how selfish would it be of us to think that somehow our thoughts and our designs of who the other should be are right?

We spent time thinking this way.  We've verbally and emotionally hurt each other.  We've blamed each other for our own sin.  We've thought our way was the right way and why can't (s)he just think like us.  What a waste of time.  And disobedient.

I am not perfect.  And the more I focus on what I think Marlon, or whoever else, needs to change, the less I will be concerned with where God is working in me.

We have a wonderful pastor friend who over the years has given us that kind of 'just what you need when you need it' kind of advice and counsel.  One time when we were in his office he asked us if we would be willing to do something.  Something that we probably wouldn't want to do because of how upset with each other we were.  Something that we probably wouldn't think the other person deserved.  But would we do it anyway.  Probably just as much out of our respect for him as our desire to get out of the pit we were in, we agreed.  Here is what he told us (this was years ago so paraphrased of course...lol)

"There are probably a lot of things that you would change about each other.  And probably a lot of things you each could change.  There are a lot of ways that you are not meeting each other needs.  Marlon, Mindy has needs that you aren't meeting.  Mindy, Marlon has needs that you aren't meeting.  For one week, I want you to let that go.  Forget about all of the shortcomings the other person has in meeting your needs.  And instead I want you to concentrate on doing your best to meet all of their needs."

This changed everything about our relationship.

It's not to say that it's perfect now.  Not in the least.  We get frustrated.  We fall back into old patterns.  We sin.  We become lazy in remembering that God is the third strand and Satan can not separate us!!

But. 

I know that this relationship is not about me being happy.  I know that it's not my job to point out Marlon's flaws or pray that God changes him.  If I find myself falling into that kind of thinking...then I know it's time to repent and realign my thinking with Matthew 7:1-5.  His ways are always better than my ways.  And "better" is such a simple word that I cringe a little to even write it. His ways are vast, faithful, mysterious, life-changing, life giving, forever.  Mine are more often than I'd like to admit selfish, hasty and irritable.

I'm glad this was part of my passage today.  I needed this reminder in several places in my life right now.

That's what I got today.

My Grandpa Frank

We waste time.

We waste time being selfish and angry and punishing others and keeping score and finding fault and hurting each other.

In the end.  None of that matters.

My Grandpa Skinner is in his last days of life.  I know that God determines when our time here on earth ends...but there are all the tell tale signs that it will not be long.  He has Alzheimer's and has been slowly deteriorating and you know what? 

Over the years.  He did a lot of things that weren't very nice.  He said a lot of things that were hurtful.  He made some poor choices.

And none of that matters.

He loved the best that he could with what he had to give.
Affection and closeness were ackward for him.  I remember giving him hugs and kisses when I was younger and wondering why he didn't hug me as tightly as my other grandparents.  Hugging him as I got older, I was more in tune to realize that he wasn't really comfortable with affection.  Hugging him these past few years, before the Alzheimer's really set in...I remember him saying "Oh boy, I get a hug, thanks so much."

He cared deeply about us.
I took time this afternoon to look through some of his personal items.  Just little odd and ends like old cards, some 1970s cassette tapes and one of those OLD metal address cases.  The kind where you slide the metal piece to the right letter and then when you open it...it's at the right page.  We were all in there.  Every child.  Every grandchild.  And not just once.  But every time we moved-our new addresses.  Our new phone numbers.  When we got married-our spouses name next to ours.  Birthdates.  Addresses and phone numbers of some of his nieces and nephews.  In his little old man handwriting.

What in the world is there worth harboring old hurts and anger for?  What purpose would that serve now as he lies helpless in a hospital bed?  What does it matter what happened a lifetime ago?

Today while I trimmed his fingernails I prayed for him.  For us.

That we would make each moment count. 
Never hesistate to say, "I love you."

That we would let go of keeping score.
There is no point in trying to figure out who hurt who first or who hurt who deeper or who "owes" the other more.

That we would stop being selfish.
Our happiness is not the most important thing.  If we are living simply so that WE can be happy, then we are always going to be sadly disappointed.  

That we would remember to say, "I love you."  "You matter."  "I have time for you."  "I am glad you are in my life."

Do not waste a moment harboring ill will.
Do not hold onto the past.
Do not withhold love.

Grandpa Skinner.  I will remember that you always came to my plays and shows.  I will remember your awesome sense of humor.  I will remember that you sent me cards when I was in school in Chicago. I will remember that you never judged me for having children before I was married.  I will remember that you always had great conversations with Marlon about the Philippines and Tele Mundo TV.  I will remember that you supported Marlon while he was in ministry.  I will remember that when you started to lose your memory and couldn't remember our names...when we would hug you, you would say, "Wow, such a nice hug from a beautiful lady." 

I will remember the smile on your face when my mom would tell you she loved you and forgave you and there was nothing to worry about and that she was there with you because she wanted to be.

That's what I got today.

I wanna be for and not against....

I recently heart T.D. Jakes say this in an interview, "I want to be known for what I am for, rather than what I am against."

I love this statement.  And have been thinking about it the past few days since I heard it.

And I realize that surface level it might seem contrite...like a yin yang....if you are "for" this...then you are likely still "against" the same things you were against before.  But I think it's deeper than that.

We spend a lot of time worrying about what we are against.  It's how we explain our religious views, it's how we explain our political views, it's how we choose where to send our kids to school, where to live, who to have as friends, etc. etc.

But what if instead of being quick to point out what's wrong with other perspectives...why we can't stand something....how a viewpoint is wrong....we can't believe anyone would feel that way....we shared what we are against in a way that didn't degrade, denounce or disrespect others?

It takes much of the anger out of debates and discussion if we express our opinions as what we are for instead of what we are against.  We might even find that in some areas we actually are for the same thing...we just don't agree on how it plays out.

I am for love.  Period.  I can't claim to love Christ and the gospel and then say, post, or write messages of hate.  I can't be for love and then turn around and justify hate.  Love is a choice and so I must constantly self check am I loving.  Love wins.

I am for giving.  If I have something it is likely I won't have it for long because I'll probably give it away...lol.  Details don't matter much to me and what I'm giving doesn't much either.  Money, stuff, time, myself... I always tell myself scripture doesn't say that the Samaritan asked the man in the road a lot of questions before he gave him help.  He just helped.  He didn't find out why he was in the road and then decide if it warranted his help.  He saw the need and gave.

I am for unity.  I believe true, authentic unity happens not by everyone thinking, looking and acting the same but because even with different perspectives, lifestyles, culture and passions there is like-mindedness in acceptance.  (Love helps with this incidentally.)  I love respectful debate and hard conversations.  I love understanding where someone is coming from and having them understand you as well.

I've got a lot more thinking to do on this.  I've been chewing on it for days and think that I likely will continue to.

But that's what I got today.

Actions & Reactions

There's a quote that goes something like "You are only responsible for your actions and reactions.  Not the actions and reactions of others."

I think that there are some folks who don't like this kind of a quote because they think it gives a person free reign to be a bully.  Or they caught up in the legalities and think in certain areas that might not be true. (such as a minor child breaking a law)  All of that being said....here is why I like it.

You are responsible for your actions and reactions.
As a believer, I do my best to live for an Audience of One.  God.  To follow fast after Jesus Christ to try and align my thoughts, love and understanding of the world and people with His.  To allow the Holy Spirit to inhabit my being so that my actions and reactions might be pleasing to my Lord.  The fruits of the Spirit.  Loving the Lord God with all that I am and then choosing to love others as He loves them.
I have to answer to Him.  So I don't have permission to just run about saying and doing what I want.  I lived that way.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.  There is no freedom in that.  You can do great harm to yourself and others living that way. 
Choosing to love, to understand, to give, to wait, to be faithful.  They are not always the popular choice however.

You are not responsible for the actions and reactions of others.
But know that striving to live right with Him, sometimes makes you unpopular with the world.  You might lose friends, you might be "that" person.  You might find others irritated with you for where you stand on different issues.  People are people and we all are on our own journey and make our own choices.  It is not your responsibility if someone makes an unwise choice. Just like it's not theirs if you do. You will have family and friends that will deal with difficult consequences from poor choices.  You are not responsible for that. (doesn't mean you can't love and support them, but you don't have to shoulder the burden as yours) We are not responsible to try and make others happy.  We are not responsible to try and change people's minds.
We can let go, release what isn't ours to take and stand firm.
Choosing to extend grace, have patience, show compassion and release.

After a few days of tortured heart, I am reminding myself of this.

He sits on the throne!!

That's what I got today.

Where would I be...

Where would I be without the cross? My sin and shame abound
Darkness covering over my life
and shadowing my soul...

Where would I be without His sacrifice?
Lost and wandering about
Fallen and broken covered in filth
with emptiness filling my heart...

Where would I be without His love?
Slave to my selfish desires
Judging and condemning harboring
anger and ill will

Where would I be with out my Jesus...

I've been there before
Though I didn't know I was there
Disobedient and careless
Destructive...full of fear

And He loved me the same.

Grateful for the cross.
Indebted to His sacrifice.
Consumed by His love.

Jesus.  What a wondeful name.

That's what I got today.

TNT...

Some days what I got is so much that it's too much to even express in words.

I think that's what happened the last couple of days.

The summer of 2009 I met some of my extended family for the first time.  My cousin Rosie, who I did know already, came up to Wisconsin from San Antonio for her last months on earth so that my aunt could care for her and she could spend time with a son who lived here.  It was not an easy decision for her as she had grown children and grandchildren in Texas, but her health was quickly deteriorating and she felt it best.

Those months would change my life forever.

There were a lot of changes in things that I learned.  I learned so much about myself and dying.  About faith beyond belief and the sweet, spiritual things that happen as someone slowly passes from earth into Eternity. I was reminded that it really is TNT, til next time, because we will see each other again.  I also saw my family band together in powerful ways; taking shifts to care for her, feeding and housing her and then her children and grandchildren when they arrived, orchestrating a benefit on her behalf to help cover expenses.  I learned that you don't have to have known family a longggggggggggg time to love them.  It changed the way I love my husband and kids because I know that tomorrow is not promised.

But the biggest change came in the addition of Milo, Rosie's daughter and Milo's daughter Alyssa to my life.

I grew to love all of her children that I met from Texas.  Don't get me wrong.  I can't imagine how difficult it was to have their world turned upside down.  Their mom was everything to them and she loved them fiercely.  You don't expect your mom to be gone at such a young age.

But from the beginning there was just a different kind of connection, the kind only God can orchestrate, with Milo and Alyssa and me.  Even Rosie saw it.  I think it's why she asked me to keep an eye on them and help guide them.  I think even Milo and I sensed it. Sovereign Lord.

I think the last three years there have been 2 or 3 back and forth trips between Wisconsin and Texas.  Sometimes Milo and Alyssa.  Sometimes just Alyssa.  Sometimes Milo and Alyssa and the crew.  A community of friends and family here banded together on several occasions to help me help them.  God worked in powerful ways.  Blessing.

These past several years have been tumultuous and amazing.  I've experienced some of the deepest hurt I ever have as well as some of the greatest joy.  I've seen Milo challenge herself and grow into a woman I know her mom would be so proud of.  Make hard decisions but never give up.  I've seen Alyssa blossom from a little girl who pretended to be a cat to protect herself into a fun, outgoing girl who loves God and accepted Christ this past summer.  Mercy.

This weekend they are heading back to Texas again.  I know that their family there misses them so.  And vice versa.  I also know that there were great things happening here for them...but like I told Milo, 'you can make it here or there, just stay close to God, put Alyssa first and never give up'.

My heart doesn't break in the same way it has. I'm not worried that Milo and I or Alyssa and I will never see each other again.  I know now without a doubt that we are on a lifelong journey and the three of us are bonded together in ways that other people can't understand and quite honestly don't need to.  It's a God thing.  And those aren't often explained.

Last night I gave Alyssa a bible to take with her.  Inside I wrote her a little note and reminded her to read Jeremiah 29:11 whenever she needs to be reminded of God's love for her and to make sense of her world, because He has a plan and a purpose for her.  I could see that she was thoughtfully thinking about that and what it meant.  This morning after we dropped the boys off at school she was asking if she'd see them before she gets braces on when she's 12. (I love 3rd grade logic!)  I told her, 'Auntie's not sure.  Maybe.  That is three years from now and we surely will have seen each other by then either in Texas or in Wisconsin.  We just have to have faith that it will happen." 

Then she said, "Well of course because remember God has a plan and a purpose for us and I bet that's gotta be a part of His plan."

So thankful that Rosie's path here to Wisconsin led Milo and Alyssa into my life.

TNT

That's what I got today.