Not unicorns

My husband has a lot of great t-shirts that he likes to wear. They represent his heart and thoughts about racism, black pride, black history, etc. He often gets comments and most definitely gets looks. 

The Black Lives Matter shirt of course gets a mix of 'Love your shirt' and 'What about all lives matter' comments.

His Black Panther t-shirt of course gets a lot of fists in the air or pursed lips on frowned faces.

His 'Danger: Educated Black Man' seems to evoke either great joy or extreme irritation.

His 'I Defy Sterotypes' seems to be a crowd pleaser to all.

Today. Was an interesting day.  He was wearing a newer shirt that he hasn't worn before and the statement on the shirt is: 'I am my ancestors wildest dreams'.

We were in Barnes and Nobles and we had separated, looking for a book I wanted to buy. I heard someone talking to him and saw that it was a woman we had gone to church with at Elmbrook (who by the way KNOWS from a Facebook argument quite awhile ago that I cannot tolerate her racist ideology and thankfully knew not to come and say hi when Marlon pointed me out to her). When Marlon and I reconnected he asked if had seen who he was talking to. I said yes. He told me that what she had said when she saw his shirt was kind of strange and caught him off guard. She looked at him and said, 'That shirt is totally cracking me up!'  He told me that if he hadn't been caught so off guard he should have asked her, 'Why?' 

Later when we were in line to check out the woman in front of us read his shirt, laughed and then said, 'Well, that's a nice shirt but you know it could go either way.'  She was kind of old so I didn't ask, but I wanted to say, 'What do you mean by that?'

1. What about that quote is hilarious?

2. What other way could it go?

Help me. What am I missing?  

Seriously. Any help you can give me would be great.

I know that it is easy to fall prey to the stererotypes. I know that we can all overlook our own bias and prejudice and we have to actively examine our own racist ideology in order to break free from it.

And I also know that there are just crazy racist people who say ignorant stuff about 'niggas' and 'thugs' and 'them' and 'those people'.  I do my best to stay away from folks who think like that and just hold them at arm's length because.  Well, I'm too old to be whooping anyone's ass.  

But it's the best intention people that intrique me. And I don't think I will ever understand.

People who think it is disrespectful to the flag to kneel. Why?  And if you still stick to that thinking....are you making and sharing memes about all of the people who go to the concessions stand, talk on their phone or go to the bathroom during the anthem?  Because, I mean that's being disrespectful too then, right? And if the kneeling bothers you for the reason you say it does, then those other things should piss you off just as much, correct?  Or maybe deep down t's really the movement of black men protesting police brutality and the killing of black men that bothers you.

People who think it is disrespectful to cops to wear a Black Lives Matter t-shirt or be a part of the BLM movement. Why? All lives DON'T matter so please get outta here with that crap. I mean they do, of course, but our country is not reflective of all mattering...it is a part of the fabric that we began on. And the simple fact that white people get SO PISSED about the Black Lives Matter movement?  Well, that's one of the first indications that all lives don't matter. 

People who understand protest but just wish it wasn't volatile and didn't get so violent. Why? The 60s were spent with much non-violent protest and white people hated that too. Just ask Martin Luther King Jr's family. That's a cop out to me. To try and dictate what kind of protest and what kind of outrage there should be? To say, 'But maybe others would listen better if you met them halfway with a strong, silent kind of protest, one they better understood.'  Maybe. But maybe others have had plenty of time to listen but really they don't give a damn because what doesn't affect them, doesn't affect them. 

People who try to understand and be considerate of a racist's point of view. That will never be me. Not now. I have not patience for that willful ignorance. Because today there are plenty of books, movies, articles, groups, and people to learn from to begin to understand the human experience of being non white in this country. So if someone is racist in this day and age?  They are racist because they choose to be. And I ain't got time for that. 

I could go on and on. 

My sons who are all in college. They are not unicorns. 

My husband who is an involved dad. He is not a unicorn.

My coworkers who are professionals. They are not unicorns. 

My family that has both triumph and trouble. Is not a unicorn. 

And the less people see my sons, husband, coworkers and family as unicorns?

I believe the less people will think it's hilarious that my husband is proud to be his ancestor's wildest dreams.

That's what I've got today.

Being collected by CollectiveMKE

Church this morning was like balm for my soul. I am tethered to the people of God that I walk through the world with in ways deeper than customs and tradition. In ways stronger than common ideology and history. In ways truer than programs and activities. It is not that they have replaced anyone or anything already significant in my life....it's more that they enhance and make clear the place that things of significance can and should have in my life.

It would be short sighted to refer to these gems as friends. Friendship seems ill equipped to explain the relationship.  They are not people that I go to church with because that is not even how we "do" (for lack of a better word) church.  I even struggle telling others that I "go" to such and such a church.  It seems short sighted to say I attend, or I am a member, or I belong to such and such a church.  There is not a building or address that is 'church' because that is not even how we "do" church.

We ARE the church.

Please understand. I know there are wonderful and honoring traditional church communities. I am not trying to promote or invite anyone to anything. I am simply trying to give explanation to what is in my life. It's possible you are feeling disillusioned. It's possible you are fearful and weary. It's possible.


Here are some things I know to be true.

We respect. I have no doubt that there are people in my church community who have different opinions about politics, who feel differently about policy or the how of carrying out laws....that there are different opinions about "hot" topics right now. BUT I know that I am in a community of safety. That I can cry out and voice my disdain, that I can have an unpopular opinion and it is taken seriously. It is not dismissed and it is not disregarded. Jokes aren't made about serious matters and difficult social justices aren't ignored.  It's not that everyone agrees and there's false unity. It's that humanity matters. And if humanity matters then the way that I experience my humanness matters. 

We love. Each other, the world, people, Jesus. Even in the midst of not all thinking, living, experiencing the same. Even in the midst of hate and despair all around us. Even in the midst of many of us feeling broken and wounded and forgotten by the faith community. Even in the midst of sometimes wondering just what it means to follow fast after Jesus.  We love.  I know that I can cry out in the middle of open prayer and it will not be met with criticism or even advice, but love.

We live. There is no pattern or right way to be. There aren't bullet points to check off and show what a good Christian we are. We mess up and sometimes get it right. We stumble and extend grace. We eat together, serve together, and pray together. We are not special nor do we have some special formula of the right way to be. We breathe in and out. We wake up in the morning and some days are just hard. Our heads hit the pillow at night and some nights we are just grateful we made it one more.

We knew about Collective before it became ours. We had friends and people we loved there. And we prayed for them. And there had been times they had reached out and helped.  I feel like it was meant to be.

What I am about to share is my own thoughts and ideas. NOT a CollectiveMKE endorsement. The idea of church being intimate and connected was a little scary. Just sitting in someone's living room? No programs or groups to hide in? No places to shine? No leader telling us how to believe? 

But what it became was more like...

Just sitting in someone's living room? So special. To share such an intimate part of each other. Our homes. Sharing a meal and then sitting together as we share and learn and understand. Simple. No pomp. No circumstance.

There are no programs or groups to hide in? We need you to be fully engaged, fully involved.  The programs and groups we need to be involved in aren't in the 'church', they exist in the community around us. We exist in the community around us.

There are no places to shine?  We ALL have shine. And your gifts and capabilities will be treasured and honored because your shine isn't about outshining someone else. If you aren't sure what your shine is, you may finally discover it, because it's there.

No leader telling us how to believe? The pastor is not God. And he does not have all of the answers. He doesn't recommend an author because they have the 'right' point of view, but he might because they spoke to him and he'd like to chat about if they spoke to you. We learn from each other.

Balm for my soul.

This morning I was feeling tired and broke down. My heart ached and I felt far away.  And while there was no magic potion to fully take those feelings away....I was loved and allowed to feel them.

Being collected by Collective....good bye traditional americanized way of "doing" church....I cannot imagine ever coming back.

That's what I got today.

She's Returning

She wanders alone
Her mind is all over
Her focus is fleeting
Anxiety on 10

From the outside
It seems to others
who don't know
that all is well
that all is

Well...

And she fears
what she knows
And she knows
all alone.

There's a fog
and a haze
that surrounds her

Her heart feels full
Her heart feels

But her mind.
Her mind is frozen
Yet her thoughts racing
Almost too fast to think

And she fears
what she knows
and she knows
all alone.

So she pushes away
while wishing near
She tries to explain
it's never quite clear

So she fights
everyday
to find her way back
back to herself

In a moment of laughter
a moment of peace
she is able to give
of herself

She sees what they see
She remembers
Even if fleeting
It's there.

And returning.


She's returning.


That's what I got today.

More Than My Diagnosis

Fall is my favorite season. I love the cool breezes. I love seeing the leaves change colors and fall from the trees. I love the warmth of soup and hot cider. I love wearing hoodies and boots.  I love sitting on the porch sipping coffee. I love snuggling on the couch with my hubby under a blanket.

But there is a negative to fall. For as long as I can remember....as I head into fall....I am fighting the cyclical battle of depression.  I was diagnosed around 17 years ago with Bipolar II disorder. After many many years of self strategies and holistic ways of treating this, last year I knew I needed more intensive treatment. And beginning medication again just about a year ago has helped that tremendously. When I think of where I was a year ago heading into October....where my emotions were on a roller coaster and my mind was jumbled...I know I am in a much better place.  I do not cycle to manic phases in the same way....in the same pattern. Much of my reality is spent in what I think of as neutral and the waves of depression and anxiety wash over me. Most times I am able to stand against the waves...sometimes the current takes me under.

I choose to share the things I share about my mental health--not for the nosy people to raise their eyebrows and say, 'Ohhhhhhhhh.' (even though I know that will happen, it's all good, some people have boring lives) I share the things I share about my mental health--to normalize it, to be out loud, to take away stigma, to bring awareness. Mental illness is real. And it not something we need to hide away and pretend isn't there. My hope is that if you have a diagnosis of Bipolar that you will give it the attention that it needs....and if you love someone with Bipolar you might understand them better.

Even with being in a rather stable place lately, if I look back over the last few weeks...I know that there's still some of the 'normal' fall gunk permeating my heart....clouding my mind...and I am fighting again. It's so hard to explain to others. I know it must get confusing at times for my close friends, for my family, for my husband. The internal battle that they might not fully understand, that I try to explain. How can someone seem so together and yet not?  How can someone seem so confidant and insecure at the same time? How can someone have such a distorted view of self? That is Bipolar. It robs you of security and swings you back and forth between all of your emotions. It makes you doubt everything you think you know.  

 But we are more than our diagnosis. We are more than a label.  Nobody is just right, nobody has it all together. We all struggle differently....we all have areas in our lives that are not perfect.  Some of us just have a name that's been tacked on.

I used to have people in my life that made me feel like if I just focused on Christ enough....I wouldn't cycle to depression. That if I said the right formula of prayer that I wouldn't cycle to depression. That if my faith was grounded enough that I wouldn't cycle to depression. I know that I bought into that. It's what caused me to survive without medication for so long. And it's what also caused me to want to hide my diagnosis. Now, I see having bipolar as this. It is a reality that is, but it does not define me. I must be vigilant and diligent. Vigilant in allowing myself to learn all of the idiosyncrasies of this disease and diligent to care for myself so I can be as healthy as possible.

So you might wonder how I can know that I am fighting the spiral of depression. There are a lot of signs and they vary among people, but for me?  I become aware of the following things first: I lack energy and have decreased activities levels all while having extreme sleeping problems. I begin to forget things--even words as I am saying them and it is difficult to concentrate. I often find myself worrying about things and lacking self confidence. I become easily overwhelmed, especially with decisions and doubt myself--even my value.

Different things can be helpful treatment for this. And each of us are different. What works for one person might not work for another. For me, I've found that there are several things needed in order for me to be as healthy as possible. Medication is key.  It keeps my brain firing as properly as possible. Therapy at different times in my life has been life saving. Being able to process with an 'outsider' is very healthy. Self strategies have been extremely helpful. Knowing your triggers and how to work through your emotions is important. For me that is often writing and getting out all of the crap that is inside of me. Taking every ugly, painful thought that wants to permeate my mind and writing it down helps me not just process but move beyond the mess.  Meditating and prayer are effective ways of staying calm and focused and finally singing fills my heart with joy and that helps combat the sad.

Today in church, I had the privilege to help lead worship and one of the songs was perfect timing as a reminder for me. The chorus says, 'You're a good, good God, it's who you are, it's who you, it's who you are and I'm loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.'

I am grateful that I have a very supportive husband and family as well as close friends. Who help me process and allow me space when I need it. Who might not always know what to say or how to help but who do not judge me. They understand that Bipolar disorder is not who I am...it is simply something I have. I am more than my diagnosis.

I am loved.

And that's all I need today.