Damaged....

I have been married over 14 years.  It's been the most wonderful and difficult relationship I've ever been in.  I had always dreamed and planned on being married.  The thought of being a wife was special to me.

Looking back on relationships that I had prior to my husband...it's quite amazing that I'm sitting here; full of love and content with my life...with the strong, loyal, patient bear I'm married to sleeping upstairs.

I made so many mistakes.

I gave away myself without regard for the cost.
I pretended to be someone I wasn't to make someone happy.
I withheld my love.
I refused to be vulnerable.
I chose men who did not care about me.
I chose men who were not healthy.
I chose men who were selfish.
I was selfish.
I was immature.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was not a believer so I didn't have a biblical foundation to pattern my steps after.  I did have loving parents and they had a great marriage.  But there was also much brokenness of love around me.  There was a world beckoning me to give in and give it up.

I put up with things that nobody should ever put up with from a boyfriend.  I lied to and WAS lied to. I used my sexuality to control.  I allowed myself to be controlled.

So much damage.

I was a damaged girl.  Danity Kane had this song out called, Damaged.  The chorus says, 'I thought that I should let you know that my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged...and you can blame the one before, so how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it.'  I remember once telling my sons that if they met a girl like that to RUN, RUN, RUN...lol.  But I guess if someone had told Marlon that we wouldn't be together!

Here's the thing.

I brought that damage into my marriage.  And it hurt it.  Sometimes, it STILL hurts it.  It is hard work to put the past in it's proper place.  It took a lot of time to forgive myself.  

God is so loving.  And faithful.  He never fails and always sustains.

And for every lie I was told.  He shows me the truth.
For every immoral act..  He created me new.
For every weak, broken action.  He patterns me in His likeness.
For every hurt.  He is joy.

His son died on a cross for every sin, every condemnation, every wicked way in me.  Through His sacrifice I can live eternally in Heaven.  His word is my living word and I have helper in the Holy Spirit

I am no longer that damaged young woman.
I left her at the cross.

She is a part of who I was but she does not determine who I am.


That's what I got today.

If We are the Body...

Have you heard the song If We are the Body?

This song has always touched me.  It's not that I don't think the body never helps, never teaches, never reaches...but I worry that we get it wrong more often than we think we do.  Pride is never pretty.  But it's even less attractive from those that should know better.

May I never become complacent and settle for my own poor behavior.  May I never become boastful in something that has nothing to do with me.  May I never think that I have it figured out...or that there is a 'right' way to do ministry or a 'right' way to reach people or a 'right' way to deliver the gospel.

I think of the girl mentioned in the first verse.
What happens when this girl enters our youth groups...our bible study...our congregation?

The man in the second verse.
Does he feel welcome?  If he isn't dressed right...doesn't "fit in"...is he treated with the same welcome?


We don't get to pick and choose who comes.
And when we think we do.  Shame on us.

We don't get to send people away that don't fit in or act right.
And when we think we do.  Have mercy on us.

When I hear this song I usually cry.

I cry because I know that girl.
I cry because I know that traveller.

And I cry because I never want to get in His way with my agenda.  And I grieve for times I know I have.

My life would be nothing without Him.
I can't even imagine where I would be without Him.
How painful and sorrowful life would be without the hope of the cross!
I can't even imagine how I would handle heartache without His peace!

To think that I might hinder that relationship for someone else in anyway...it drives me to stay close to Him and remember that He is God and I am not.  I want to share His love and truth with others so that they might know the freedom that comes from following fast after Christ.  It's not about how they act.  What they wear.  What they say.  What they look like or even if they follow all of the "rules".  It's not about me.  It's only about Him.

That's what I got today.

So you're saying that's sin?!

I had a few interactions the other day that have stuck with me and been rattling around in my brain.

While leading a study on John 1:1-5 I opened up the last few minutes for questions.  Based on the attitudes and skepticism of the group to that point, I almost hesitated to do so,  but I had promised that I would, so I had to keep my word.

The first few questions were based much on asking my opinions about different things.  One young lady asked a parenting question which led to sharing an example from my own family.  Another asked what I really thought about forgiveness which led to sharing an example of a person I have to forgive over and over.  One asked about Heaven and I shared about my Grandpa who would soon be meeting Jesus.
Then the kicker.

'So I have a question for you.  I guess I'm wondering your opinion on something.  Because I know how I feel about it, but I'm wondering what you do.  So, like, I'm married okay.  But we aren't together and haven't been so it's whatever.  And now I love my boyfriend and I know he's the one and we have this baby and we want to make things work but because I'm still married it's like kind of weird.  So what, based on what you believe, you're telling me that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

'The two of us loving each other and being together and having this baby, because I'm a "married woman" (and she made quotes in the air)...that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

At this point she leaned forward a little and got this smirk on her face.  'But my husband and I have not even been together in like years. So it's like we're divorced.  And he's moved on too.  And I have this baby now.  This precious gift.  But you're saying me being with him is sinning.'

'Yes.'

Another participant looked from me to her, from me to her and then said, 'Wow, I guess she told you!'

I kind of shook my head and said, 'Are you married to one man and having a sexual relationship with another?'  The woman said, 'Well yes.'  She paused. 'So that's like adultery right?'

I nodded. 

'Well.  Thank you.  At least you were honest with me.  I've asked that question to two other people here and I could tell that they thought it was but they wouldn't come out and tell me so.'

Then I asked if I could expand a little.

I shared with her that I couldn't judge her for her choices, but I couldn't pretend that it wasn't sin just to save her feelings.  I told her that I didn't know where she was at with her relationship with Christ and so I didn't know if that's something that matters to her or not.  Before I was a believer there were things I chose to do that I knew inside of me were wrong for moral reasons, but didn't really have a biblical foundation to temper that against.  I also shared with her that based on the fact that she even asked the question...I was wondering if she was either trying to "catch" me being hypocritical or if somewhere inside of herself she already felt that it was sin and wanted someone else to say it.

I shared with her that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God.  I shared with her that we have free will and so we have choices.  That we are not slaves to sin because God sent His son Jesus Christ to suffer persecution, die on the cross and rise from the dead so that we might live for eternity.  That Satan does not have any power over us that we do not allow because death has been defeated by the victory of the cross!!  I told her that God loves her, each of us, despite our sin.  

She told me that there's always been a part of her that thought that might be part of why things don't seem to go well with this new relationship and that maybe she needs to think about ending the first one before trying to make the second one work. She also said she was glad I didn't try to sugercoat anything.

Class ended.  For a brief moment I wondered if I might have gone a little too direct knowing there were other ladies in the room and that we hadn't had a ton of time to really discuss the situation.  Would she think I was too harsh, had I expressed myself clearly and with love...  All of that got cut very short because that is when I got the voicemail that my Grandpa Skinner had died and the next hour was spent making calls, crying with my co-workers and processing.  As I was getting ready to leave, one of my coworkers let me know that one of the ladies might say something to me because she had seen the crying and asked her what was wrong.  She had let her know my grandfather had died.  My coworker wanted to give me the heads up.

Moments later there was a knock on the office door.  I opened it and it was the woman from class.  She asked if she could talk to me for a minute.  I stepped into the hallway and she got tears in her eyes and said, "I heard about your Grandpa.  You were just talking about him!  I wanted to say I'm really sorry!" And then she hugged me.  And we cried.  And we hugged. 

I thanked her.  She told me that she was going to pray for me and my family and told me again that she was sorry.  I thanked her again and told her to have a good weekend.

Be prepared to be taught lessons when you are least expecting them. Grateful.

That's what I got today.

Matthew 7:1-5

So as I was reading the bible this morning I got to Matthew 7.

The disclaimer I have here is that I am not a devoted, devout daily bible reader.  I try to be.  And sometimes I am.  When I worked at the church I was...but more often than not it was in preparation for a teaching or curriculum or study than just because I wanted to read for myself.  So in the last few months I admit that I only open it a few days a week.  I write this to encourage you that if it's been days, weeks or years since you've opened your bible.  Today could be the day you start.

I digress.

Matthew 7: 15 says this, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Yikes.

Talk about conviction.  Because I judge.  Even in an effort not to judge, I judge.  And so often in relationships it's easy to look at all of the things about the other person that we wish were different.  Meanwhile there's a laundry list of behaviors, choices, thoughts, actions that we do that need to be changed.

For me, I always have to go back to one thing.

I live for an audience of One.  And I desire for every thought and deed to be in line with what He commands.  I fail at that miserably by the way.  But it's what I desire.  And it's why I get up every morning and set about to get it right.

My marriage to Marlon has been wonderful teaching ground for this passage. 

There are things that I know Marlon might change about me if he could.  There are things I might change about him if I could.  But how selfish would it be of us to think that somehow our thoughts and our designs of who the other should be are right?

We spent time thinking this way.  We've verbally and emotionally hurt each other.  We've blamed each other for our own sin.  We've thought our way was the right way and why can't (s)he just think like us.  What a waste of time.  And disobedient.

I am not perfect.  And the more I focus on what I think Marlon, or whoever else, needs to change, the less I will be concerned with where God is working in me.

We have a wonderful pastor friend who over the years has given us that kind of 'just what you need when you need it' kind of advice and counsel.  One time when we were in his office he asked us if we would be willing to do something.  Something that we probably wouldn't want to do because of how upset with each other we were.  Something that we probably wouldn't think the other person deserved.  But would we do it anyway.  Probably just as much out of our respect for him as our desire to get out of the pit we were in, we agreed.  Here is what he told us (this was years ago so paraphrased of course...lol)

"There are probably a lot of things that you would change about each other.  And probably a lot of things you each could change.  There are a lot of ways that you are not meeting each other needs.  Marlon, Mindy has needs that you aren't meeting.  Mindy, Marlon has needs that you aren't meeting.  For one week, I want you to let that go.  Forget about all of the shortcomings the other person has in meeting your needs.  And instead I want you to concentrate on doing your best to meet all of their needs."

This changed everything about our relationship.

It's not to say that it's perfect now.  Not in the least.  We get frustrated.  We fall back into old patterns.  We sin.  We become lazy in remembering that God is the third strand and Satan can not separate us!!

But. 

I know that this relationship is not about me being happy.  I know that it's not my job to point out Marlon's flaws or pray that God changes him.  If I find myself falling into that kind of thinking...then I know it's time to repent and realign my thinking with Matthew 7:1-5.  His ways are always better than my ways.  And "better" is such a simple word that I cringe a little to even write it. His ways are vast, faithful, mysterious, life-changing, life giving, forever.  Mine are more often than I'd like to admit selfish, hasty and irritable.

I'm glad this was part of my passage today.  I needed this reminder in several places in my life right now.

That's what I got today.

My Grandpa Frank

We waste time.

We waste time being selfish and angry and punishing others and keeping score and finding fault and hurting each other.

In the end.  None of that matters.

My Grandpa Skinner is in his last days of life.  I know that God determines when our time here on earth ends...but there are all the tell tale signs that it will not be long.  He has Alzheimer's and has been slowly deteriorating and you know what? 

Over the years.  He did a lot of things that weren't very nice.  He said a lot of things that were hurtful.  He made some poor choices.

And none of that matters.

He loved the best that he could with what he had to give.
Affection and closeness were ackward for him.  I remember giving him hugs and kisses when I was younger and wondering why he didn't hug me as tightly as my other grandparents.  Hugging him as I got older, I was more in tune to realize that he wasn't really comfortable with affection.  Hugging him these past few years, before the Alzheimer's really set in...I remember him saying "Oh boy, I get a hug, thanks so much."

He cared deeply about us.
I took time this afternoon to look through some of his personal items.  Just little odd and ends like old cards, some 1970s cassette tapes and one of those OLD metal address cases.  The kind where you slide the metal piece to the right letter and then when you open it...it's at the right page.  We were all in there.  Every child.  Every grandchild.  And not just once.  But every time we moved-our new addresses.  Our new phone numbers.  When we got married-our spouses name next to ours.  Birthdates.  Addresses and phone numbers of some of his nieces and nephews.  In his little old man handwriting.

What in the world is there worth harboring old hurts and anger for?  What purpose would that serve now as he lies helpless in a hospital bed?  What does it matter what happened a lifetime ago?

Today while I trimmed his fingernails I prayed for him.  For us.

That we would make each moment count. 
Never hesistate to say, "I love you."

That we would let go of keeping score.
There is no point in trying to figure out who hurt who first or who hurt who deeper or who "owes" the other more.

That we would stop being selfish.
Our happiness is not the most important thing.  If we are living simply so that WE can be happy, then we are always going to be sadly disappointed.  

That we would remember to say, "I love you."  "You matter."  "I have time for you."  "I am glad you are in my life."

Do not waste a moment harboring ill will.
Do not hold onto the past.
Do not withhold love.

Grandpa Skinner.  I will remember that you always came to my plays and shows.  I will remember your awesome sense of humor.  I will remember that you sent me cards when I was in school in Chicago. I will remember that you never judged me for having children before I was married.  I will remember that you always had great conversations with Marlon about the Philippines and Tele Mundo TV.  I will remember that you supported Marlon while he was in ministry.  I will remember that when you started to lose your memory and couldn't remember our names...when we would hug you, you would say, "Wow, such a nice hug from a beautiful lady." 

I will remember the smile on your face when my mom would tell you she loved you and forgave you and there was nothing to worry about and that she was there with you because she wanted to be.

That's what I got today.

I wanna be for and not against....

I recently heart T.D. Jakes say this in an interview, "I want to be known for what I am for, rather than what I am against."

I love this statement.  And have been thinking about it the past few days since I heard it.

And I realize that surface level it might seem contrite...like a yin yang....if you are "for" this...then you are likely still "against" the same things you were against before.  But I think it's deeper than that.

We spend a lot of time worrying about what we are against.  It's how we explain our religious views, it's how we explain our political views, it's how we choose where to send our kids to school, where to live, who to have as friends, etc. etc.

But what if instead of being quick to point out what's wrong with other perspectives...why we can't stand something....how a viewpoint is wrong....we can't believe anyone would feel that way....we shared what we are against in a way that didn't degrade, denounce or disrespect others?

It takes much of the anger out of debates and discussion if we express our opinions as what we are for instead of what we are against.  We might even find that in some areas we actually are for the same thing...we just don't agree on how it plays out.

I am for love.  Period.  I can't claim to love Christ and the gospel and then say, post, or write messages of hate.  I can't be for love and then turn around and justify hate.  Love is a choice and so I must constantly self check am I loving.  Love wins.

I am for giving.  If I have something it is likely I won't have it for long because I'll probably give it away...lol.  Details don't matter much to me and what I'm giving doesn't much either.  Money, stuff, time, myself... I always tell myself scripture doesn't say that the Samaritan asked the man in the road a lot of questions before he gave him help.  He just helped.  He didn't find out why he was in the road and then decide if it warranted his help.  He saw the need and gave.

I am for unity.  I believe true, authentic unity happens not by everyone thinking, looking and acting the same but because even with different perspectives, lifestyles, culture and passions there is like-mindedness in acceptance.  (Love helps with this incidentally.)  I love respectful debate and hard conversations.  I love understanding where someone is coming from and having them understand you as well.

I've got a lot more thinking to do on this.  I've been chewing on it for days and think that I likely will continue to.

But that's what I got today.

Actions & Reactions

There's a quote that goes something like "You are only responsible for your actions and reactions.  Not the actions and reactions of others."

I think that there are some folks who don't like this kind of a quote because they think it gives a person free reign to be a bully.  Or they caught up in the legalities and think in certain areas that might not be true. (such as a minor child breaking a law)  All of that being said....here is why I like it.

You are responsible for your actions and reactions.
As a believer, I do my best to live for an Audience of One.  God.  To follow fast after Jesus Christ to try and align my thoughts, love and understanding of the world and people with His.  To allow the Holy Spirit to inhabit my being so that my actions and reactions might be pleasing to my Lord.  The fruits of the Spirit.  Loving the Lord God with all that I am and then choosing to love others as He loves them.
I have to answer to Him.  So I don't have permission to just run about saying and doing what I want.  I lived that way.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.  There is no freedom in that.  You can do great harm to yourself and others living that way. 
Choosing to love, to understand, to give, to wait, to be faithful.  They are not always the popular choice however.

You are not responsible for the actions and reactions of others.
But know that striving to live right with Him, sometimes makes you unpopular with the world.  You might lose friends, you might be "that" person.  You might find others irritated with you for where you stand on different issues.  People are people and we all are on our own journey and make our own choices.  It is not your responsibility if someone makes an unwise choice. Just like it's not theirs if you do. You will have family and friends that will deal with difficult consequences from poor choices.  You are not responsible for that. (doesn't mean you can't love and support them, but you don't have to shoulder the burden as yours) We are not responsible to try and make others happy.  We are not responsible to try and change people's minds.
We can let go, release what isn't ours to take and stand firm.
Choosing to extend grace, have patience, show compassion and release.

After a few days of tortured heart, I am reminding myself of this.

He sits on the throne!!

That's what I got today.

Where would I be...

Where would I be without the cross? My sin and shame abound
Darkness covering over my life
and shadowing my soul...

Where would I be without His sacrifice?
Lost and wandering about
Fallen and broken covered in filth
with emptiness filling my heart...

Where would I be without His love?
Slave to my selfish desires
Judging and condemning harboring
anger and ill will

Where would I be with out my Jesus...

I've been there before
Though I didn't know I was there
Disobedient and careless
Destructive...full of fear

And He loved me the same.

Grateful for the cross.
Indebted to His sacrifice.
Consumed by His love.

Jesus.  What a wondeful name.

That's what I got today.

TNT...

Some days what I got is so much that it's too much to even express in words.

I think that's what happened the last couple of days.

The summer of 2009 I met some of my extended family for the first time.  My cousin Rosie, who I did know already, came up to Wisconsin from San Antonio for her last months on earth so that my aunt could care for her and she could spend time with a son who lived here.  It was not an easy decision for her as she had grown children and grandchildren in Texas, but her health was quickly deteriorating and she felt it best.

Those months would change my life forever.

There were a lot of changes in things that I learned.  I learned so much about myself and dying.  About faith beyond belief and the sweet, spiritual things that happen as someone slowly passes from earth into Eternity. I was reminded that it really is TNT, til next time, because we will see each other again.  I also saw my family band together in powerful ways; taking shifts to care for her, feeding and housing her and then her children and grandchildren when they arrived, orchestrating a benefit on her behalf to help cover expenses.  I learned that you don't have to have known family a longggggggggggg time to love them.  It changed the way I love my husband and kids because I know that tomorrow is not promised.

But the biggest change came in the addition of Milo, Rosie's daughter and Milo's daughter Alyssa to my life.

I grew to love all of her children that I met from Texas.  Don't get me wrong.  I can't imagine how difficult it was to have their world turned upside down.  Their mom was everything to them and she loved them fiercely.  You don't expect your mom to be gone at such a young age.

But from the beginning there was just a different kind of connection, the kind only God can orchestrate, with Milo and Alyssa and me.  Even Rosie saw it.  I think it's why she asked me to keep an eye on them and help guide them.  I think even Milo and I sensed it. Sovereign Lord.

I think the last three years there have been 2 or 3 back and forth trips between Wisconsin and Texas.  Sometimes Milo and Alyssa.  Sometimes just Alyssa.  Sometimes Milo and Alyssa and the crew.  A community of friends and family here banded together on several occasions to help me help them.  God worked in powerful ways.  Blessing.

These past several years have been tumultuous and amazing.  I've experienced some of the deepest hurt I ever have as well as some of the greatest joy.  I've seen Milo challenge herself and grow into a woman I know her mom would be so proud of.  Make hard decisions but never give up.  I've seen Alyssa blossom from a little girl who pretended to be a cat to protect herself into a fun, outgoing girl who loves God and accepted Christ this past summer.  Mercy.

This weekend they are heading back to Texas again.  I know that their family there misses them so.  And vice versa.  I also know that there were great things happening here for them...but like I told Milo, 'you can make it here or there, just stay close to God, put Alyssa first and never give up'.

My heart doesn't break in the same way it has. I'm not worried that Milo and I or Alyssa and I will never see each other again.  I know now without a doubt that we are on a lifelong journey and the three of us are bonded together in ways that other people can't understand and quite honestly don't need to.  It's a God thing.  And those aren't often explained.

Last night I gave Alyssa a bible to take with her.  Inside I wrote her a little note and reminded her to read Jeremiah 29:11 whenever she needs to be reminded of God's love for her and to make sense of her world, because He has a plan and a purpose for her.  I could see that she was thoughtfully thinking about that and what it meant.  This morning after we dropped the boys off at school she was asking if she'd see them before she gets braces on when she's 12. (I love 3rd grade logic!)  I told her, 'Auntie's not sure.  Maybe.  That is three years from now and we surely will have seen each other by then either in Texas or in Wisconsin.  We just have to have faith that it will happen." 

Then she said, "Well of course because remember God has a plan and a purpose for us and I bet that's gotta be a part of His plan."

So thankful that Rosie's path here to Wisconsin led Milo and Alyssa into my life.

TNT

That's what I got today.

When did I stop caring?

So tonight I had a facial/makeover from a Mary Kay consultant.  I was hesitant to go.  I  sold Mary Kay about 10 years ago and actually did pretty well at it for what little effort I put into it....lol....so I really wasn't expecting to care so much about tonight.  Figured I'd help out the consultant who invited me, probably decide to go to another night and bring a few friends (because you get more free that way you know) and then that would be the end of it.

As far as my relationship with Mary Kay goes....that is likely the extent of what will come from tonight.

But.

Something else occurred tonight.

I realized that somewhere in the last few years...I stopped caring for myself physically.

Somewhere between the cleanser and foundation and mascara (which apparently made my eyes POP) I saw a little twinkle that I haven't seen in a long time.

Don't get me wrong...throughout the past few years I've had days were I felt attractive, you know those days we have sometimes where our hair looks just right, our skin is clear, we're rested and feeling energized....but that's been by default I think and not because of any intentional care that I've given myself.

There have been seasons in my life where I've suffered from depression.  At times to the point of not being able to get out of bed without assistance.  To the point of needing medication to make it through the days and take care of the kids.  During those times I definitely did not care for myself or my health or my appearance.

These last few years though...there hasn't been any big struggle with that.

And yet somehow, in a very gradual way, I stopped caring.

In 2008 I lost almost 60 lbs.  That is the last time that I can remember really being attentive to myself physically in any significant way.  I also remember being incredibly frightened because I suffered from an eating disorder from the ages of 15-25 and didn't want to fall back into old patterns.  I also found myself beginning to care almost too much about my appearance and as someone who used to thrive on the attention of the opposite sex and the power that my looks would have on them and that totally freaked me out.   So honestly?  I think I sabotaged myself.

And somehow in the midst of the last four years...craziness with Marlon's unemployment, Jordyn heading to college, taking care of my cousin Rosie in the last months of life, caring for my little cousin off and on, a job that quite honestly almost consumed me alive and juggling the household & the boys...I stopped caring.

Because of past spiritual warfare...I've stayed pretty armored up emotionally and mentally.  I think that I concentrated my efforts of survival in those areas.  I've had tremendous growth and can see over the past few years the many ways that God has brought me through storm after storm after storm.  It's been amazing to experience the wonderful lessons that God has taught me.  Even when there were times of heartache walking through them, over and over He's been so faithful.  I know that I've matured much in my understanding and obedience to Him.

But I stopped caring what I looked like.  And I stopped caring what I ate.  And I stopped caring how I felt physically. 

And tonight.  Through a silly party that I almost didn't go to because I was so tired....I cared for the first time.  In a long time.

And I felt that tug on my heart like I always do when God's getting ready to bring me to another level.  I'm not sure what it looks like and yet I know I'm supposed to care. 

It's time.

And when it's time, He always shows me the way and gives me the strength to do it.

That's what I got today.

If we start there...man.

....heal my heart and make it clean...open up my eyes to the things unseen...show me how to love like You have loved me...


....break my heart for what breaks yours...everything I am for Your kingdom's cause...as I walk from earth into eternity...

This song gets stuck in my soul so often and I find myself humming and singing it or tapping out the beat often.  The rest of the song, if you haven't heard it is beautiful as well...but it's really these lyrics, in the bridge, that pierce my heart the most.

When we sing this song.  How many of us really mean these lyrics?  Because if you really mean them....then get ready for God to do some major housecleaning of your being!  I know that He has and continues to do that for me so I say that with no boasting or pride in a knowing way...but in a real and raw way.

If we truly repented....every sin....in order to have our heart healed and clean...every sin...and allowed ourselves to love??  What might that look like?

And if our hearts truly broke for the things of this world that break His heart?  If all the brokenness and mess and filth of this world caused us grief as it should?

I think if you really think about it....many of us gravitate toward one or the other.

We might inwardly be able to look at ourselves, our journey, our need for Him and in our desire to live a devoted life following fast after Him allow ourselves to be chiseled.  Or we might more easily look to the world around us and see all of the ways that we can be salt and light, touching others' lives in powerful ways for Him and impacting the Kingdom.  It's part of what makes us each individuals and have our own niche. 

But.

We need to be about both.

It is not enough to worry only about own selves and our own heart.  Having that kind of focus could very quickly lead us to paths of self-righteousness and a pious view of our relationship with Christ.  If all of our focus is on learning more, reading more, praying more, studying more, obeying more so that we might somehow walk more righteously with Him....well, I don't think that's what it's supposed to be about.

On the other hand, it is not enough to worry only about those who are hurting and in need of a Savior.  Having that kind of focus could very quickly lead us to paths of heresy and self serving ministry that inadvertently lifts us up as the "savior".  If all of our focus is on serving more, giving more, sharing more, reaching more so that we might somehow be the most selfless person...well, I don't think that's what it's supposed to be about.

We need to draw close to Him and allow Him to infiltrate ALL of our lives.  Not just the areas we want Him to go.  We need to lay it all on the line and bust open our sin so that we can be free from that bondage.  We need to love Him so much that we desire to be obedient so that He might know how devoted we are.

We need to see our world for what it really is.  Warts and all.  Sin and all.  Not just in the areas that fit our politics and personal viewpoints.  We need to open up our eyes and let ourselves touch others as He directs.  We need to love the world so much that we desire to make disciples of all nations as He has instructed us to do.

It's so simple really.  When you break it down.

It's the two greatest commandments.  Really.

Love Him with all that I have.
Love others.

If we start there....not just pay it lip service, but really start there.  Man.

Hosanna in the highest!!!!


That's what I got today.