Being in therapy can be exhausting.

I am not feeling well today and I have a headache on ten. I have therapy in a bit and while I normally look forward to it (I kind of like having my insides ripped right out of me...lol) Today I am kind of dreading it because I know I do not feel 'up to par'. 

Will this affect the what I share? 
Will this affect how I process what I hear?
Will this affect my desire to participate?

Regardless of the answers, I am going. I know it's something that I need and it's not like I'm on my death bed or in the hospital.  So even though part of me would really rather go home and take a nap I am going and going to do my best to be fully present.  It is necessary even if I'm not quite feeling it.


Here's what struck me about that.


How often do I not push forward in other areas when I'm not quite 'feeling it'??


I think of all of the different aspects of life...and all of the different pieces of my day and life.  There are plenty of times I let 'not quite feeling it' affect not just my participation.  It's like if I can't give it 'my best' then I don't push through.

I struggle with that if I'm honest because I can be a perfectionist. And giving half assed effort makes my skin crawl. So I think to combat that...I just don't give any effort or I give 450% effort.  Neither is healthy really.

So today. I'm going to therapy. And I'm going knowing that I will just be. Half assed and all.  And it will be ok.  And it will be accepted.

I want to bring that into other aspects of my life. Trusting and knowing that it will be ok and it will be accepted. And if it's not....well, that's not my problem. 

I especially want to remember to bring this into my faith walk with Jesus.  I don't want to dip out on Him because I'm not feeling 'up to par'.

I don't have to be perfect for Jesus. In fact, my most transforming moments have occurred when I am most definitely not perfect.

I don't have to have it all together for Jesus. In fact, my most honest moments with him have been when I definitely do not have it all together.

I don't even need to be 'feeling it' for Jesus. He takes the broken, wounded, tattered bits of my heart and soul and accepts them for what they are.  And He considers them worthy.  And He considers me beautiful.

So I'm going to do that. 

That's what I got today.

I'm Hella Good with That.....

Another black man was killed today.

This could have been written almost any day.

Another officer wasn't charged today.

And the one finally charged, well he got away.

With a gun or without
Lunging in or running away
In a car, on the street
Doesn't matter
So it seems.

I'm tired of the continued cries
Of people saying 'he deserved it'

If only he was blah blah blah
If only he said blah blah blah
If only he knew blah blah blah.

I need to shut out that mess.
Because it's a tired record

As tired as those same folks saying
'I don't see color and why do 'they'
Make it all about race?

My husband, my sons
Are Trayvon, Tamir, Oscar, Philando,
Walter, Michael, Donte, Eric, Freddie..
That's not even close to the number
Just the names off the top of my head.

The wrong officer on the wrong day
They are just a murder away

So please understand
I don't care about your feelings
I'm not tip toeing anymore
If you feel uneasy
Please just move around.

The truth is the truth.
Period point blank.
You have nothing to fear
In a man running away.

So quit saying it's the circumstances
Quit saying it's 'their' fault
If I don't see you examining
Your own biases?
We're all at fault.

Do you fear every time your son leaves the house?
Do you fear every time your husband leaves the house?
Do you fear every time you hear a squad car behind you?
And fear of....not inconvenience or trouble or a ticket....

But death?

Know this...
The officer isn't always right.
They lie like everyone else.
The good ol boys club
Protects their own.
And disgraces the uniform so many wear proudly
Protecting and serving the community around them.


And if God forbid, something horrific happens
Does my loved one become a hashtag for others to analyze?
Did he obey "enough"?
Did he follow "enough"?
Was his music quiet "enough"?
Was his stance dolice "enough"?
Was his facial expression kind "enough"?

Was his fear real "enough"?????????

So we've taught them
Sit up, turn on inside light, wallet out and on dash, hands on steering wheel, slow movements, no sudden movements, minimal eye contact.

Sit up straight.....cuz "thugs" slouch (also known a n****s)
Turn on the inside light....to avoid "we thought there was a gun"
Wallet out.....well, because Philando
Hands on steering wheel....cuz problems when "we couldn't see his hands"
Slow movements....cuz "I feared for my life, he was like an animal"
No sudden movements....well, because Oscar.
Minimal eye contact....cuz there's a WHOLE lotta folks that deep down can't STAND a confidant black man making direct eye contact and letting you know that he knows that you know.

Your reality?
No?  Well....
If not, I need you to either try and empathize...or hell, at least acknowledge that it is reality for many.
If you can't?

Then like I've said many times....we can be casual but we can't be close. 
And at this point in my life....I'm hella good with that.

That's what I've got today.