Vacation eyes.

Today my friend and I were talking about how we miss out opportunities to really 'see' God's goodness and majesty around us everyday.  How the mundane day to day can rob us of really having open eyes and can make us take for granted gifts that God gives us.

I want to be about noticing.

I want to be about deep breaths.

I want to be about really taking it all in.

I want to be about vacation eyes.


Vacation eyes?  Vacation eyes.


Think about vacation. There is anticipation and excitement for what's to come. And when you arrive....well it's quite wonderful. Everything seems grander, more beautiful.  Food is more delectable. Sunsets are more glorious. Your family is sweeter and kinder, funnier and you enjoy their company. You notice the little things and celebrate every day.

Then we often come home and call it 're-entry'. Almost momentarily we are 'back' and settle into old routines and patterns.

But what if....what if we saw our everyday life....with vacation eyes?

And even as we raked the leaves that we are cursing for falling....we stop.

And pick one up.

And notice how vibrant the color is.
How perfect the shape is.
How it seemed to jump out of the pile....beckoning you to pick it up.

And for that moment....we stopped.  And noticed. 
And because we did...
We also

Felt the breeze caress our face on a rough afternoon of unpleasantness.
Embraced the sunshine beaming down on us as we walked into somewhere we didn't want to go.
Savored each moment of our child's laughter even when it came at an inopportune time.
Really stopped and listened to our loved one tell us what is hurting them.

And our vacation love and our vacation patience and our vacation joy and our vacation self...

Intersected with our everyday love, patience, joy and self.

And we were never the same again.


That's what I got today.

Claiming the Victory

It's been a jumbled few days.
My brain has been racing in uncharted ways...and even that bible on my head isn't calming the storm.

Very few know...but many moons ago...like 16ish years, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a severe manic phase which crashed into a deep depression and through medicine, therapy and love and support of my family...I was able to put the pieces of my mind back together.

Over the years there's been "close calls", the symptoms coming but my husband and I pretty prepared to calm them, deter them and reset my brain. Many years ago I went off of meds all together and I haven't had any severe episodes of manic or depressive phases. Quite honestly, I think I just learned to function within my manic or depressive phases. I learned to hide.

When you're not yourself...when your brain is manic...at least for me, you don't sleep, you are highly agitated, anxious and stressed....it can move almost to a paranoia...you push people around you away and you have almost no impulse control. It's not that you aren't in control...but yet it is. Sometimes. You hit a wall. Because you can only sustain that frenzied way of existing for so long before you just can't function. And what inevitably follows is a dead end spiral of despair and exhaustion.

I am not there yet. But it's coming. And looking back...I can see how the perfect storm has been brewing.

So Monday I have an assessment scheduled. Meds maybe? Therapy for sure. I am relieved and anxious.

So why am I sharing this?? Why expose what many, myself included, keep for just a simple select few?? Why share what many could try to use against me or gossip about me or judge me?? Because I know if I'm going to have healing (and healing does NOT mean no longer having bipolar to me) and peace...then I have to stand in all of my truth.

People I love have suffered mental illness. People I love have committed suicide. People I love struggle with loss. Struggle with hiding. Struggle with shame. Struggle with stigma.

How will we remove the stigma if when we are doing "well" we don't claim that as victory...how will we remove stigma if we keep secrets.

So I stand in my truth and I own my reality. But it does not own me.

I'm claiming victory. And i will again and again.

That's what I got today.

The rain

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day!!

I have rarely sang this song. Because well. I love the rain.

Always have.

To me. Rain is full of lessons.

There is something soothing about a soft rain. The kind that gingerly caresses your skin. It's like a sweet whisper from God. As that gentle drop lands on your arm...there is comfort. You can sing out to God a song of serenity.

There is something mesmerizing about a steady rthymic rain. The kind that stirs your soul and creates a sense of balance. It's like a solid reminder that you are alive. And capable. And strong. You can call out to God a shout of joy.

There is something rejuvenating about a full throttle downpour. The kind that shakes the shutters and almost hurts. It wipes out muck and filth and cleanses your soul. You can holler out to God a broken cry of redemption.

Rain, rain come to stay
Heal my heart and make a way
To wholeness and love
Understanding and peace
Let it rain.
Let it rain.

i don't want to write....

today is the day that I don't want to write
I'm uneasy inside and full of blah
My face is screwed up n'
I got up on the wrong side of the bed.

when emotions are on 10
and my energy at none
it's an easy playground
for satan to lurk

think of THE most vulnerable
thing to you
independence? marriage?
children? job?
maybe what your dreams are?
maybe what you are?

for me insecurities live in my head
and sometimes satan whispers
as I get out of bed

you're not enough
you're defined by your past
your kids and husband
deserve someone better

or deeper still

the people who love you
don't really love you
the people who need you
could take you or leave you
why bother trying just give up now
i, i mean really...

this isn't a test
or rare to be found
it's how evil gets us
when our guard is down

satan will use every trick up his sleeve
to distract and dissuade us from every good thing
wrong will seem right
and right will seem wrong

but if we know the truth of the One who Reigns
who created each hair on our sweet lil heads
who knit us together in our momma's wombs
with full custody over our beginning and end

then we stand firm in the face of the evil one
his plots have no footing, no ground
we recognize his messy plans to thwart
what our Father God plans for good
and so even though today
i am still feeling more than meh
i know it is passing and i know i can deal

i know that He loves me
i know where He stands
and i am comforted by the truth
that He holds me in His hand.

That's what i got today.

LIttle blessings

This morning I had to run to Kwip Trip for air in my tires today. I had to run in for a minute and was feeling some kind of way about that.  While entering ...I passed by an older woman with my Grandma Nickel's eyes.

I wanted to stop and tell her, 'You have my Grandma's eyes!" Or honestly, give her a hug.  But I just smiled at her and kept walking.  I even glanced back but she was already scurrying on her way.  While inside the gas station I just had this warm sense of peace and contentment.  It made me smile some more.

My Grandma was not a perfect person by any means. I think it's important that we remember the whole of a situation.  We actually just talked about that yesterday during house church.  I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture of a saint.  But what she was?

Was an encourager. 
Every little thing you did...was amazing. 
Every little thing you cooked....was scrumptious.
Every little thing you said...was brilliant.

And a grace giver.
When you messed up....she didn't question.
When you lost your cool....she never judged.
When you pulled back...she gave you space.

She forgave much and overcame much in her life.  I never heard her blame others or make excuses for things in her life that hadn't been perfect.  I also never heard her chastise anyone for the choices they made or problems they caused.  Even when she might ask, 'why?' It wasn't from a place of condemnation but serious questioning to understand and empathize.

All of this and more was running through my head as I ran in the gas station.  I'm sure I had a permagrin on my face. I said a little internal thanks to God for such sweet memories in my soul this day. 

What a surprise as I came back out the door, that there she was! Standing between the building and my car. The sweet older woman with my Grandma's eyes.

As she saw me approaching, she reached out her hand and touched my forearm.  And she smiled with my Grandma's eyes and she said, 'Oh pretty, blue is YOUR color!'  It was just like my Grandma would. Alth0ugh she likely would have said, 'Pretty, pretty.'  She had a thing for saying compliments double.

But wearing a basic blue fleece Columbia vest and basic black pants and top. Not feeling particularly special or pretty?  Suddenly I stood a little taller and smiled a little bigger and breathed a little fuller.  And my eyes welled.

I thanked her and blessed her in as causal of a way as I could.

And I got in my car.
And I looked in my rearview mirror.
And she was gone.
And I looked back at myself.
And I gave thanks to God.


That's what I got today.

Dwelling.

My phone screen wallpaper is the following statement,  'You cannot dwell on both the things of God and the lies of satan."

 But we sure try to don't we?

And when we allow the lies of satan to resonate in our souls...fear is not far behind.

Satan says....don't bother trying because nothing is going to change.
Satan says....you are not worthy.
Satan says....worry about yourself, don't waste energy on other people

God says that He is your protector and provider.
That He never leaves your side.

I have found that to be true again and again in my life.  Yet, I can more easily than I'd like to admit...satan finds my vulnerable, weak places and rests there.

I think sometimes we think of spiritual warfare as loud, disruptive attacks...attacks that almost blow us over they are so mighty and evil.  My experience has often been that it is much more of a quiet and subdued cloudy fog that rests heavily on my spirit and mind.

And it's that fog that warps my vantage point of God's love and truth.
It clouds my judgement and it steals my hope.

Satan is gonna try.  Right?
It's his nature.  To seek. To kill. To destroy.

But I don't have to dwell.  I think that's so key.  Think of dwelling.....what that means.
I don't have to listen to satan.

When the whispers come.  And they will.  I can name them and call him out and move around so that I can instead keep my eyes on the Most High King, who loved me enough to lay down His life and gives me a framework for grace and peace.

To God be the Glory.

That's what I got today.

Aha Moment.

Tonight rereading my blogs...I had a moment. I kind of lost it for a minute actually.

Because by rereading my blogs...I reminded myself of broken promises to myself and also of wasted time.

I need to write. It soothes my soul and it gives me a voice.

Also,

I am meant to connect with women and mentor women. I know that BLOOM is a way to make the connection.

But.

Somehow...like so many other things...these goals, dreams....have taken a back seat. And while time has opened up for me with less kids in the house and Marlon having football and other activities....I chose instead to find a part time job to take up time. I chose instead to waste time.

So. How do I change this? I mean, it's one thing to have an aha moment...it's another to weeks later still be pursuing those goals.

I am one who steps up to challenges and I'm one who works well with clear parameters.

Here are the three things I'm doing and committing to before 2017.

1. I'm taking a bath once a week. A soak your worries away, enjoy just being, relax from head to toe bath.
2. I'm going to have coffee, lunch, dinner with 2 women a month. Different women just to make connection, catch up, have a needed heart to heart.
3. I have to choose at least one time a week where I will hide away from home and write for a couple of hours.

They might seem like a weird, random set of things....but they are very connected to what makes me tick and I believe will help me stay on track.

A final two things round out the list...

I have to blog everyday. Even if it's just a check in.

And finally. I have to quit my job at Kohl's. It just isn't necessary and quite honestly takes up valuable time.

A good cry always clears my mind. Now it's time to refocus it on me.

That's what I've got today.

Fix Me.

I love Psalm 139.  I read through it from time to time because it is such a clear reminder to me of God's covering of my life...of His divine position as my Creator and Protector. But the final two verses always resonate with me....I lived a lot of my life hidden.  It probably didn't seem that way because of my outgoing personality and gregarious nature...but who I really was...hidden. When I was around 25 or 26, I found out who Jesus was and what it meant to follow Him. That is was a way of living I wanted to follow after.  That helped bring out who I really was and being able to more openly live authentically.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

The first time I shared some of my testimony in a group I remember being so hesistant and well, scared actually.  I had been promiscuous, drank, smoked weed, lied...was bulimic...had children before marriage...so many things. And as my life slowly began to transform...many of those, what I felt were, "big" sin issues fell away. Even the pain of enduring them softened. And much of the internal war that waged was silenced at their removal from my soul.

I was thinking the other day that I've been a follower of Jesus for just about 20 years. Holy crap. How did that happen!!  And I experience Him daily....even if I don't acknowledge that.  Because He never leaves my side.

And I continue to be challenged and encouraged by the scripture above...because I am not perfect. And the haters and shade throwers can easily dismiss "Ohhhh....so you're perfect now?"  "Oh, where's your God now?"  But they don't understand.  It's because I'm not perfect that I need Him. And He's never far from me, but I sure do wander from Him.  I don't want to follow fast after Him to prove anything to anyone. That's not authentic or real. That's performance driven faith. I want to fall on my face and seek Him because it's the only option that makes sense. Because my heart is not whole if it's not fixed on Him.  And I need to share and live that authentically because it is how He gets the glory.

When I'm wrong Lord, correct me.
When I've strayed, get me back in line.
When my focus drifts off of you, direct me.
When my heart wanders, fill it with your goodness.

Grievous way.  What grieves God?

My sin.  I almost feel that's too simple to just toss out there.  We must name it.  Own it. Allow ourselves to see it.  

 What is sin?  Anything we SAY, THINK or DO that displeases Him.  To me?  That is deep.  Because that is a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg list!!  It's not just my actions that cross the line...it's also my thoughts and words that are dishonoring to my Lord. Audience of One.

And while I do not think that we are meant to be slaves to our sin, meant to be held back by the reality of our sin or mean to stay stuck in self hate for sinning....I also don't think it's God honoring to gloss over our sin, like we somehow 'arrive' at a place where since the BIG sins are gone...how bad could we really be?  While I know that God can and does remove things from our lives....I don't believe we ever fully 'arrive'.

I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with God.
I don't want to ever get so comfortable that I stop seeking His face.

Fix me Jesus.

Tony Evans Does it Again!

I've been working my way through Tony Evan's 30 Days of Marriage Prayers.  I say working through because it can be pretty intense some days....so occasionally I offset with different devotionals.

Today I made it to day 10.  Prayer Against Insecurities.  Here is a piece of what struck me most today about what he wrote:

The enemy wants nothing more than to create insecurities in our marriage. He wants to break down our trust and he wants to create doubt in our minds about our love and commitment to each other and our desire to be committed. We stand confident and sure in Your love and in the peace that You give. Jesus, we commit ourselves to praying against any insecurity that we have and release it to You. We release each other to You to allow You to correct and deal with our hearts and we will stay out of your way. We are not secure in each other. We are secure in You.

Sheesh. Talk about hitting the nail on the head.

Most who know me really well....or know any of my testimony, know that I struggle with insecurity.  I always have. There's no one horrific incident in my past that I can point to that necessarily explains this....but when I look over my life there are definite things that didn't help what is already a piece of my make up.  That hinder and cause internal conflict. Most of it being things I joke about now because looking back they don't seem that serious...but in reality I guess there were a few more serious things that did matter...

I had a baby sitter who most definitely favored my sister over me. Would bring her gifts but not me.  Would always talk about how cute and sweet she was.  I had a little group of friends who were always trying to one up the other; decide who they were going to leave out and I always felt like I needed to boast.  I had a dance teacher who repeatedly told me how fat I was...even poking me with her little stick in my waist a few times and threatening not to let me go on stage if I didn't slim down.  I was in an incredibly emotionally abusive relationship which escalated to physical abuse and ended with me in the hospital.

I share all of that to point out this.  Who we are, we bring to the marriage table.  The same goes for our spouse. And not to put Marlon's business out there...but there are also specific situations in his life which affect him. That hinder and cause internal conflict and insecurities.

So when you marry.  Those worlds collide.  You learn and do your best to allow that collision to be a gently meshing of worlds....giving grace, being vulnerable, allowing the Holy Spirit to help you see your spouse with God's eyes, taking account for your own weaknesses and limitations and staying focused on Him who is most high.

But sometimes. Because of our own insecurities, because of ways we've hurt the other, because of our humanness and sin, because of taking our eyes of Jesus and because we've let the third strand slip....we withhold grace, we become selfish, we wander, we build walls, we shut out, we judge the other and we give Satan a foothold.

Even almost 20 years in. Even when we know better.  Even when we've been here before.  We've started marriage counseling for what I see as a tune up. We want to make sure that our marriage is strong, vibrant and endures. We are in this for the long haul.  We want to break old patterns that are harmful and build new ones that bring life.

Today's marriage prayer was perfect timing and I'm so thankful to God when he orchestrates these little encouragements.  Because I do believe that He does care about those little things as well as the big things.

Satan is going to try.  He is going to lurk and he is going to prey. He is going to watch you and find you slipping. And then he's going to attack. It's his nature.  To seek, kill and destroy. And if we aren't diligent in being acutely aware of our limitations and the ways that he attacks us...it can be so easy to fall right into his crooked and evil plan.

But we don't have to.

Because Jesus conquered. Death was defeated. And when you accept Jesus as Lord of your life...choosing to follow fast after Him and choosing to learn more about what it means to love...then the Holy Spirit is available to you....to guide and direct...to help.  I don't know how to explain it all.  But I know that it's true because I have experienced it in my life again and again.

I'm so grateful for Tony Evans 30 Days of Marriage Prayers. I am. From gentle prodding to full face smacks....I'm learning and relearning so much. 

That's what I got today.

God helped me get 15!

So yesterday and today I hit the 5 minute mark on jogging. For someone who ran the 400 in high school and used to be 'fit' but has spent her 30s and so far into her 40s battling the demon of inactivity...this is huge.

And let me be clear.  I know I am 'active' from the sense that raising a gaggle of kids, caring for others, working full time has all keep me busy...but making exercise a vital part of my day to day has ebbed and flowed.  More ebbed than flowed.

So I posted this 5 minute information to Facebook.  Somewhat for accountability, somewhat because I wanted to share my accomplishment.  And my sister, who is one of my biggest encouragers with fitness, suggested that my next goal would be to run 5, have a time of rest, then go for the 10.  I walked a couple of more minutes...trying to decide if I'd try that now or tomorrow or just keep at 5 for a bit to get faster, stronger.

Then one of my old favorites, Mary Mary's, 'It's the God in Me' came on. So I bumped up the speed because I knew I could handle running through that song.  The lyrics alone give me strength.

'But what they don't know is when you get home
And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is you on your knees
So the next time you get a chance tell 'em
It's the God in me'

And I just cried.  And ran. And sang. And cried. And ran. And sang.


I have been feeling very hopeless about a few situations in my life right now.  It has taken me away from even trusting God to be God and work it out.  I still am not sure where the road is leading in some areas...but I must trust Him.  And remember that He is always with me.  Always there.  He will battle on my behalf. He will protect on my behalf. He goes before me and clears the path for me.  And I have to share with others that it's happening. It is my testimony.

So the song is ending and I'm getting ready to slow my pace....then another fav, Kirk Franklin's 'Look at Me Now' came on.  Hmmmm. Maybe I could run and sing through some of this too.

'Persecuted, criticized, been denied and abandoned
Pushed away, given away, some days I couldn't imagine
Getting harder, getting colder, was hard for me to see
Tired of runnin, tired of hurtin, even got tired of me
Tired of cryin, tired of tryin to forget my mistakes
Tired of bein in this storm, how much more can I take
Many nights in my life, tell me why
I shed more tears, my eyes would allow
And after all that,  'Look at me now!!!'

And I cried some more. And ran some more. And SANG (sorry neighbors). And cried some more. And ran some more. And SANG!!

Because I know the truth.  All of this is true. I've been praying for my husband, my kids, husband's new ministry, our marriage, Bloom, my parents, my sister, my niece, all the ladies that I love so much...and I've forgotten to pray for me.  This used to be my WARRIOR song!!  I'm better now, I'm closer now, I'm thankful now, I'm happy now....I'm stronger now, I'm patient now, I'm grateful now, I'll praise you now!!  Yes. Yes. and Yes.  I am so so weak right now.  But in Him, I am made strong.

So then the song is ending and I'm getting ready to slow my pace...I mean good Lord, I'm all cried out and sweating like you can't imagine....then another fav comes on. And this. This just for pure enjoyment.  The Jackson's 'Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)'  No significant relevance to any thing happening...but man I love that song.

So I danced.  And ran. And sang. And danced. And ran. And sang.  And as an aside....you can jog and dance. If you were wondering.

And before I knew it.



God helped me get 15 minutes.

And He'll be there to help me get 15 more. And 15 more.

I still don't know the outcome to some of my stressful situations. I still am afraid, if I am honest.

But He is there.

And He is mighty.

And even if nobody else around me wants to see Him, feel Him, honor Him, allow Him in....none of that matters.  If God is for me, who can be against me?


That's what I got today.

Reminders......

Over the years, I've tried to stay committed to reading devotionals...or at least open scripture on a regular basis. I veer off from time to time...go through spurts of avoiding and neglecting this important piece of my relationship and connection with God...but the past couple of weeks I've been on a roll.

I started with a daily devotional that I was given when I left my last job. Very worthy and good stuff. Digging into the word and giving me little bits to chew on.  Very recently though...I switched to Tony Evans...his podcast at the Urban Alternative and also began 30 Days of Marriage Prayers. There's always a verse and then an actual prayer written out...to read aloud or to yourself...asking God for His guidance.

Yesterday the topic was conflict in marriage.  And being one part of a marriage where quarrels (a nice way of saying arguments which is a nice way of saying fights) are too often and too ugly...I read and reread this prayer.

There was so much truth in the words that Dr. Tony Evans wrote.  So much that my husband and I do our best to have as our best intentions...but far too often fall short of.  What stuck out...and what
has been resonating in my spirit the past 24 hours were these words:

'God we ask that you replace quarreling with compassion and resentment with joy. We are fully aware that arguments and dissension serve as distractions for the enemy to use to prevent us from resting in Your unending peace. At times when we desire to handle it ourselves, we ask that Your Holy Spirit would remind us to leave our conflict at Your feet and seek you for resolve.'

I crave peace and yet far too often I harbor ill will. I desire closeness and yet far too often I put up a wall.  I know I need supernatural love to cover my marriage and yet far too often I shut out God's truths because of stubbornness.

Psalm 139:23 & 24. Psalm 139: 23 & 24. Psalm 139: 23 & 24.


Then, today....

Today I listened to a podcast by Laura Doyle.  I am not particularly a fan of hers....but the topic was striking to me, 'A Proven Framework for Renewed Intimacy with your Man'.  To be honest, I half tuned in because I thought it would be a little comical.  Proven framework?  But as I listened...there was so much there that was pertinent to me. Most things that I already knew, but still so important to remember.

I need to know and name my fear.  And then I need to allow the Holy Spirit to take my fear. Not all fears are irrational, but regardless of if they are rational or irrational, if I am operating out of fear...I will not have peace.  And neither will he.

I need to remember that my husband is not a mind reader and I need to let him know my deepest darkest desires and dreams.  I can be honest and say, 'I would love....' and then state clearly what it is.  Not things like affection or attention or feelings...but things that I want accomplished or need help with.  I would love to eat dinner. I would love to take a nap. I would love a cup of coffee to stay awake. 

I need to remember who I am. I am fun and light. I am easily pleased. I like to smile. I enjoy laughing. I must make self care a priority and not allow myself to become depleted.  These things still remain and when I find myself in dark worried places, I must hold onto those truths.

Maybe you have felt alone.  Worried.  Fearful.

Maybe you have lost your peace. Dreams. Self.

Maybe you have put the blame on your husband for these things.
Maybe you have focused on the things you are missing. 
Maybe you have forgotten that you are cherished. Loved. Beautiful and precious. 
But you are those things.
And not because your husband thinks so or treats you as such. 
You are because your Holy Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Alpha and Omega
SAYS THAT YOU ARE.  And He says that I am too.

And maybe like me, you need reminders from time to time. Wisdom from that directs us back to our best selves which in turn allows us to share our best selves with the ones we love.

That's what I got today.