Almost 2018.

I've been pretty reflective this past week or so. I mean aren't we all at this time of year really? It's really not something 'special' but as this has been a year of great transition in my family and personal life...I realize that I've learned much to carry with me into 2018. And also what I'm letting go before the clock strikes midnight.

What I've learned is that I held so much of my identity in motherhood. I mean, let's be honest, I knew that of course....but to have the day to day 'mom'ing gone...I realized just how lost I was.  And I had grandiose plans for the days and months after the BABY headed off in August...but 4 months later, I've accomplished very few of them. (getting more sleep might be one of the only plans I've held to)  I was worried that this would be a great disappointment to myself...but I've come to accept that I think I needed these 4 months to almost detox in a way. Instead of jumping right into all of the plans I had for myself....I realized that I needed to rest. Rest my brain, my heart and my busy way of living.

What I've learned is that I will likely always need to be on medicine to treat my bipolar disorder. And I am ok with that and I embrace it. It is NOT my identity. But it is a piece of who I am and how I function. And who I am and how I function are both 'better' (hate that word but it fits sometimes) when I am honest and open about the limitations that I have if I am not taking medicine. This is not something that I am going to hide from. 

What I've learned is that I value my husband and my marriage more today than I did early on. Because I had a daughter when we met and well, we had kids together before we were married....we never did 'marriage' without being parents. Taking time to be in therapy together...taking time to truly learn and continue to learn who the other is....taking time to listen and rebuild. These things have given us new life. We are imperfect. But we are together. And we are going to continue to fight and hold on and enjoy our moments. And we are going to remember and cherish those that have passed. And we are going to rediscover 'we'.

What I've learned is that I am 100% okay being angry with people who refuse to learn and grow and listen to understand. I am okay walking away from willful ignorance and embracing my mindset of 'we can be casual but we can't be close. I am okay with letting you be you....but believe me, I am not about to stop being me.

What I'm letting go of? 

Falsehood.

Pretending.

Worrying.

That's it really.  I'm focused on actively laying those things down.

What I'm moving toward?

Freedom & Faith

Love & Light

There is much work to do. We are broken and ugly.  And I want to continue to do it. And I will grow weary and disillusioned by people. But I will also be lifted and carried by people.  

There is much work to do.

It's almost 2018. 

Ready? Go.

That's what I got today.

To Care

Moore didn't win
But it was close
Who'd be surprised
It's just how it goes
Do we care?

Trump tweets stupidity
Spews foolishness and hate
And people flock to explain
Rationalize,mitigate
Do we care?

People argue over details
of who 'deserves' what
They fight for their rights
not caring what gets cut

Worry about self
That's the 'merican way
Make sure you get yours
The rest?  Well they better pray.

But i live in a world
with those that aren't seen
as good enough, smart enough, or who matter enough..
except

That young man who kneeled
but still ended up dead
he was someone's son

That young woman who pulled away
afraid for her life
it's over before it begun

The mom who's afraid
of what her child has done
has tried to do her best

The dad who runs
acting like he doesn't care
doesn't know how

do you care?

Each is human
with a heart and a soul
hopefully with dreams
about reaching their goals

And yet you sit
with a smug shaking head
'why don't they blah blah blah'
are you surprised they are dead or

Surprised she's been raped
Surprised that she drinks
surprised by his absence
No?
It's much deeper than you think

There is racism everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
if others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

There is rape culture everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
it others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

There is sexism everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
if others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

We pretend that we care but it's
Preservation of self
Look out for numero ono
Worry about nothing else

I'm telling you.

Care

because the 14 year old who's life is full of trauma
of unthinkable things that have been done

because the 17 year old who is full of anger
of how her life has been unfair

because the 6 year old who can't stop hurting
as she remembers the truth of her story

because the mom or the dad who are weary
of decisions they've made or maybe haven't

They need you.
They need us.


To care.

Hope and Perseverance.

I've been thinking a lot about hopelessness. And perseverance. And how they are linked in deeper ways then I think I ever really knew.

The other day in a meeting with a family.....much tension--a 14 year old who runs away, puts herself in harms way--has deep dark demons of the horrific things she has seen and experienced, a mom at her wits end with her own demons whispering in her ear....yet a love for each other so deep.

The youth has this tough shell and you can tell she is just through with everyone telling her what to do and telling how things are.The mom sounds so cold and callous that you almost wonder has she given up?

And I ask the mom, 'What's your biggest fear?'

And she shares that her biggest fear is so very real that she just recently purchased life insurance for her daughter....her biggest fear is that her daughter is going to die before she sees 20.

Before. She. Sees. 20.

And she breaks. And her daughter?  Her daughter responds, 'I probably will be, but you know what? What does it matter, that's what everyone my entire has been telling me anyway.'

What the fuck kind of world have we created where 14 year old girls have no hope that they will live past 20?

Another day in another meeting with another family.....much tension--a 6 year old who bites and hits, steals and lies--has deep dark demons of the horrific things she has seen and experienced, a dad at his wits end with his own demons whispering in his ear....yet a love for each other so deep.

And I ask the dad, "What's your biggest fear?"

And he shares that his biggest fear is that he'll find out the truth of what he believes happened to her, while on a visit at her mom's house and that he won't be able to help her or face it and they'll drown in the pain.

And the daughter, she responds by saying, 'I just like hugging and doing bad. I don't know why. I wanna do good but it's like I can't.'

What the fuck kind of world have we created where 6 year old girls have had to live and experience monstrosities?

It's why I get so up in arms about jack asses that want to spout out shit about the city, and minorities (ps. one of these families is white) and horrible parents and absent daddies and judge and condemn and put up their noses.  You are them and they are you.

And think that they have no concerns about this....like...
'hey sorry they don't have their shit together'
'hey, 'merica's great again so shut up'
'hey, we all got problems'

It's overwhelming right?
It's enough to make you feel hopeless for sure.

And if I sometimes feel hopeless? How the hell am I supposed to help inspire hope into other's lives?

Which leads me to perseverance.

The definition is steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Steadfastness. Deep difficulty. Delay.

Having forward movement isn't necessary. And might not be happening. And you can still be persevering.  I might argue that is the only time you are ever are.

When you are moving forward, and it's difficult and there's delay, but there's movement....that's great. You keep going.

But when you are stuck. And there's no movement. And there's no change. And you keep going?

That's perseverance.

And I looked at that 14 year old and I said, 'But you're here. And you came to this meeting. And  you didn't have to. And you are strong and able to do great things, and you've lived through hard things. And you can wake up tomorrow and we're all here to help support you as you figure out why you want to.'

And I looked at that 6 year old and I said, 'I'm not sure either. Sometimes I don't do the right things. Everyone does bad stuff. And maybe there's a reason we don't know yet about why making good choices is hard for you and maybe we can find someone you can trust that you might like to tell

to help you figure it out.'

I normally cling to hope. 

And when I feel myself starting to drift to hopelessness...then I know it's time to self check. Time to rest. Time to regroup and refocus because I am being lazy about persevering.

Steadfastness. Firm and unwavering.

Difficult. Needing effort to accomplish,deal with or understand.

Delay. Late and postponed.

We gotta affect the world around us.

Those with hope?  We have to persevere. 

Because while you persevere?  

I wanna be right next to you persevering too.

I don't know another way.

That's what I got today.