Many of you know that I am a care coordinator for a social service agency in Milwaukee. I love working in the city and being in the trenches. Aside of 6 years at Elmbrook....I have worked in the city since 1995. I've pretty much experienced it all. From cockroaches on the wall that I was informed were pets....to my car being stolen....to finding naked girls hiding in a bathroom....to putting a youth out of my car. This current position is draining and life giving at the same time. It is too much work for one person but we roll up our sleeves and get the work done because the families are there. My role is helping families with youth who have a mental health diagnosis that is hindering them in some area of their life. Often revolving around school and home life. As the young people I work with near the teen years, it can often also lead to delinquency, truancy, run away behavior. The parents play a big role...often times more than they are willing to admit or allow themselves to see. Our goal is to put together a team of providers to help meet the youth's needs.
I want to share an experience I had today with you. All in a day's work.
Picture, if you would, this situation in your mind.
Today I saw a young lady express herself clearly in an appointment. Share what she was thinking. Talk about some of the things frustrating her. She is living in a group home and there are definitely strained family dynamics. She is beautiful. Big smile, hair always up, often shuffling along in slipper/shoes and almost always on her phone.
At the end of the appointment, as we were preparing to walk out, her mom showed up. Late. And neither of us had known she was coming. The appointment was over.
Despite my best efforts their conversation and verbal aggression escalated as we walked to the cars. Daughter wanted mom to know she's maturing and she's not who she was. Mom wants to know why she isn't going to school and sits on social media all day. There was back and forth about other things as well. The discussion grew heated to the point of each of them calling the other all kinds of bitches and retard and stupid ass. As each stepped to the other...I reminded them of all the coping strategies they could use...actually wondering if I was gonna have to call the mobile crisis team or dust off my boxing gloves to bring about calm. Mom interrupted me to say that her daughter had started it. I encouraged her to take a moment and compose herself and walk away.
As she walked away, she gave her daughter a smug smile and said, 'Oh yea-so mature. That's great. Be mature. Keep makin all those smart choices you're makin. Right. Okayyyyyy.'
Grateful I was able to have a good conversation with the young lady as I drove her back to the group home. She is a gem. Bright, funny.... full of attitude and pain. So much creativity. So much heart. Lots of hurt there. Little hope. And I get to try and do my little piece to switch that reality so that someday there might be little hurt there and lots of hope.
Some days I am feel more equipped than others. That's part of working with people. I choose to and know I am meant to do that. It's a combination of social worker, therapist, case manager, big sister, friend, confidant, teacher. It's part of the fabric of who I am.
Also part of the fabric of who I am....challenges you to answer the following honestly. If you truly pictured this situation in your head (and if not feel free to go back now and read it again)
This daughter.
This mother.
In your mind.....
What race/ethnicity did you see them as?
Because they are white.
That's what I got today.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
How come?
Last night we took two of our sons out to eat and 7 of their friends as well. As we entered the Chinese Buffet and they each walked past the counter to find a table, put their coats up and grab their food....you could see eyes follow us. Some with a small smile, some with a scowl, some looking nervous, and the woman behind the counter staring very....intensely. I'm not sure what these folks all saw....
Me?
I saw respectful, goofy, dedicated, college athletes....all from different backgrounds....all working on making their dreams reality....all trying to find ways to buy groceries and toiletries and pay their bills. They talked about parties and school work and practice. They live on Snapchat and 4 hours of sleep and laughter and stress. And as we separated after the meal and each young person came and thanked us---hugs for me, handshakes for Marlon---and we got in the car to head to our hotel---I couldn't stop smiling. I'm better for having experienced that evening.
But part of me gets angry too....
Because I know that there are those that would 'label' this group of young black people as "some of the good ones" and view young black people who maybe aren't in college--maybe not making the best choices right now--as "bad" "thugs" or "ghetto". You know, all the politically correct ways to say N***A without actually saying it. You know, keep that shit private in your own home where you can toss N***A out with a braveness you can't muster in public.
And that pisses me off. Seriously, like put down my Jesus, knock someone out pissed off.
You might have thought you were about to read one kind of blog. Get ready to read another. Because this has been brewing and if you aren't ready to read/see/hear the truth then I suggest you stop reading. I can only share the truth as what I've experienced and observed, so there's no point in telling me this isn't true or doesn't happen. Perhaps your nice little life allows you to ignore or not see this truth. Perhaps you choose to keep your eyes closed and pretend that you know not of what I speak. But also, perhaps....if you are willing and brave....after reading this....you will allow yourself to see these situations too. And if you willing and brave.....after reading this....you will allow yourself to say something the next time you do.
1. How come a white young adult can be living at home, running the streets, occasionally getting high, not keep a job, have sex with whoever and they are 'finding themselves' or they are 'just young'. But a young black person does the same and they are going nowhere, have nothing going for them, aren't going to amount to anything??
2. How come a little person of color can have trouble at school sitting still or focusing, can say things they shouldn't and is almost always either coddled by a teacher because they must have a horrible home life with no daddy and they must be saved OR they are labeled a 'bad' kid and parents are told to put them on medicine,called to pick them up from school or treated with disdain by the teacher?
3. How come the young black person who is accepted to college is still not given credit...but instead there're whispers of affirmative action and of course black kids get all the scholarships and money in the world you know? Hey ignorant person it doesn't work that way. (and if you believe that without doing any research but simply because your non black butt couldn't get in college-then you are ignorant to the process of applying to college so I'm not name calling) Why can't they have worked hard to get there and are paying for college with loans and will be in debt for decades like the rest of young 'merica?
4. How come there are not the same punishments for same behavior? In school, in sports, in life. You can almost feel the racial bias exuding from certain teachers, coaches, staff. But it's the gap in arrests and punishment for marajuana possession and use that makes me seethe. The rate of marajuana use is pretty evenly matched between black and whites. This is able to be tracked by the census so I'm not making stuff up. However, the arrest rates are incredibly different. In some states black are over 8 times more likely to be arrested for marajuana possession!?!
5. How come my sons....who by all accounts are mostly seen by people who know them as respectful, thoughtful, successful young people...are still seen as dangerous, up to no good, questionable by many in society. By some store clerks, security, average citizen, law enforcement? How come their size, their hoodie, their backpack, their color.....indicates that they must have an eye kept on them? That they might do something shady?
6. How come a white person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are doing their best.....making the most of their situation and providing for their family? How come a black person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are living off of the system, draining our taxes and welfare queens? (Which coincidentally REALLY pisses me off because the ignorance of thinking welfare and food stamps still exist--just makes me want to explode!)
How? How does this happen?
It happens because of racism. It happens not because 'I make everything about race' but because our country was founded on systemic racial divides that continue to this day. It happens because we raped and murdered and removed the occupants on this land because we wanted it and because we could. It happens because we built this country to what it is on the backs of those we could control and abuse and exploit. It happens because the constitution everyone is so proud of wasn't written for everyone and still to this day doesn't apply to everyone.
Racism isn't racial prejudice.
Racial prejudice is any race having preconceived notions about any other race and judging them for it. Jewish people are cheap, Asian people are cold, Mexican people are lazy, Black people are criminals or athletes, White people are rich.
Racism...and don't look to the white privilege Webster's definition of racism to fully explain racism.... is entire social systems in our country being built on racist ideology and constructed to provide and esteem white america and withhold abundance from people of color. The labor market, owning land, the education system, the criminal justice system....all reflect biased and inequity. This isn't up for debate. The information and proof is there if you desire to see it to believe it.
Can a young person of color find success and live a wonderfully sweet and stable life?
Of course.
But believe me, it is in spite of what this society expects of them and readily and accessibly offers them.
And that. Is the injustice.
That's what I got today.
Me?
I saw respectful, goofy, dedicated, college athletes....all from different backgrounds....all working on making their dreams reality....all trying to find ways to buy groceries and toiletries and pay their bills. They talked about parties and school work and practice. They live on Snapchat and 4 hours of sleep and laughter and stress. And as we separated after the meal and each young person came and thanked us---hugs for me, handshakes for Marlon---and we got in the car to head to our hotel---I couldn't stop smiling. I'm better for having experienced that evening.
But part of me gets angry too....
Because I know that there are those that would 'label' this group of young black people as "some of the good ones" and view young black people who maybe aren't in college--maybe not making the best choices right now--as "bad" "thugs" or "ghetto". You know, all the politically correct ways to say N***A without actually saying it. You know, keep that shit private in your own home where you can toss N***A out with a braveness you can't muster in public.
And that pisses me off. Seriously, like put down my Jesus, knock someone out pissed off.
You might have thought you were about to read one kind of blog. Get ready to read another. Because this has been brewing and if you aren't ready to read/see/hear the truth then I suggest you stop reading. I can only share the truth as what I've experienced and observed, so there's no point in telling me this isn't true or doesn't happen. Perhaps your nice little life allows you to ignore or not see this truth. Perhaps you choose to keep your eyes closed and pretend that you know not of what I speak. But also, perhaps....if you are willing and brave....after reading this....you will allow yourself to see these situations too. And if you willing and brave.....after reading this....you will allow yourself to say something the next time you do.
1. How come a white young adult can be living at home, running the streets, occasionally getting high, not keep a job, have sex with whoever and they are 'finding themselves' or they are 'just young'. But a young black person does the same and they are going nowhere, have nothing going for them, aren't going to amount to anything??
2. How come a little person of color can have trouble at school sitting still or focusing, can say things they shouldn't and is almost always either coddled by a teacher because they must have a horrible home life with no daddy and they must be saved OR they are labeled a 'bad' kid and parents are told to put them on medicine,called to pick them up from school or treated with disdain by the teacher?
3. How come the young black person who is accepted to college is still not given credit...but instead there're whispers of affirmative action and of course black kids get all the scholarships and money in the world you know? Hey ignorant person it doesn't work that way. (and if you believe that without doing any research but simply because your non black butt couldn't get in college-then you are ignorant to the process of applying to college so I'm not name calling) Why can't they have worked hard to get there and are paying for college with loans and will be in debt for decades like the rest of young 'merica?
4. How come there are not the same punishments for same behavior? In school, in sports, in life. You can almost feel the racial bias exuding from certain teachers, coaches, staff. But it's the gap in arrests and punishment for marajuana possession and use that makes me seethe. The rate of marajuana use is pretty evenly matched between black and whites. This is able to be tracked by the census so I'm not making stuff up. However, the arrest rates are incredibly different. In some states black are over 8 times more likely to be arrested for marajuana possession!?!
5. How come my sons....who by all accounts are mostly seen by people who know them as respectful, thoughtful, successful young people...are still seen as dangerous, up to no good, questionable by many in society. By some store clerks, security, average citizen, law enforcement? How come their size, their hoodie, their backpack, their color.....indicates that they must have an eye kept on them? That they might do something shady?
6. How come a white person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are doing their best.....making the most of their situation and providing for their family? How come a black person doesn't go to college, has kids young, finds a decent job and struggles to make ends meet, receives foodshare and medical assistance and they are living off of the system, draining our taxes and welfare queens? (Which coincidentally REALLY pisses me off because the ignorance of thinking welfare and food stamps still exist--just makes me want to explode!)
How? How does this happen?
It happens because of racism. It happens not because 'I make everything about race' but because our country was founded on systemic racial divides that continue to this day. It happens because we raped and murdered and removed the occupants on this land because we wanted it and because we could. It happens because we built this country to what it is on the backs of those we could control and abuse and exploit. It happens because the constitution everyone is so proud of wasn't written for everyone and still to this day doesn't apply to everyone.
Racism isn't racial prejudice.
Racial prejudice is any race having preconceived notions about any other race and judging them for it. Jewish people are cheap, Asian people are cold, Mexican people are lazy, Black people are criminals or athletes, White people are rich.
Racism...and don't look to the white privilege Webster's definition of racism to fully explain racism.... is entire social systems in our country being built on racist ideology and constructed to provide and esteem white america and withhold abundance from people of color. The labor market, owning land, the education system, the criminal justice system....all reflect biased and inequity. This isn't up for debate. The information and proof is there if you desire to see it to believe it.
Can a young person of color find success and live a wonderfully sweet and stable life?
Of course.
But believe me, it is in spite of what this society expects of them and readily and accessibly offers them.
And that. Is the injustice.
That's what I got today.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
20.
20 years. These kids above had NO clue what they were getting into. Young and in love. Ready to conquer. Already parents and partners. I mean....how hard could it be?
Man. People just don't prepare you. It is hard. It is hard to daily and actively put someone ahead of you, consider their feelings, change habits that are hurtful, truly forgive over and again. I can't be anything but real. Our marriage has had days....weeks....months even where we've gone through the motions and just stayed the course because of our commitment to do so. Things that you didn't think would bother you, bother you. There's been times we have both considered throwing in the towel if I'm being honest.
But.
If you can stay the course.
It is also easy. Because this person, this lover and friend? Is also the person who has seen you at your worst. Who has held your hand when you've been afraid. Who has dried your tears. Who has rejoiced with you. Who has hurt you and been hurt by you. And forgiven you. And been forgiven by you. Who you get to do life with.
It is also sweet. Because you have memories that nobody else has. You have watched your children blossom. You have experienced every emotion possible together. You have a deep understanding of the other's heart. You laugh and remember. You have hope.
I don't know the secret to a happy marriage. I swear I don't. I chased it for a long time and it seemed the more I sought that...the less happy I was. But somehow even not knowing that....through authenticity, through commitment, through focus on the other, through love....we are choosing to allow our marriage to withstand life. And through all of the triumphs and trials there is no other person that I would want to have by my side.
We've been together longer than 20...but in this day and age I am a believer that celebrating the milestones....ESPECIALLY marriage milestones.....is a special and honoring thing.
I picked 20 words to define these last 20 years.
Tender. Struggle. Laughter. Chaos. Partner. Full. Sexy. Understanding. Inlaws. Busy. Embrace. Silly. Kids. Joy. Tears. Chisel. Insight. Choices. Pain. Celebration.
I am ready for another 20.
That's what I got today.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Read at your own risk. Seriously.
You don't have to be a rocket scientist (always used to represent extremely intelligent people) to know what all of the following have in common:
Grab em by the pussy.
Mexicans are rapists.
Black Lives Matters is a hate group.
Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake.
Rosie O'Donnell should be fired because she has a fat, ugly face.
Plan to reinstate ban on trans military service.
Accused of sexual harrassment or assault by over 20 women.
Central Park 5.
Sued twice for not renting to black people.
And of course....the recent shithole countries vs. Norway comment.
They of course are comments, thoughts, tweets, actions,etc. that represent trump.
In the last 24 hours or so....I've read many articles, watched news clips, observed facebook posts both implode and explode....as often is the case after the most recent trump turmoil....but there was something different this time.
This time....for the first time....I read/watched/observed many more evangelicals openly speaking out against trump's shithole comment. (it's not that it's never happened....just not the amount I've observed these past two days)
And you might think....knowing if you do how i just can not stomach our current president and the horrific person he continues to show himself to be.....wow, this should make Mindy super happy and finally shut up.
But.
It hasn't. Because there is this little piece of me that wonders where the fuck have they been previously? All of the horrific things he has said and done....for much of what I've observed....there has been silence. But suddenly, countries that evangelicals so closely adore--send missionaries to--partner in ministry with are referred to in a disparaging way...and NOW he's crossed the line.
How nice of your privilege to finally allow you to show up.
The women and Mexicans and Muslims and ugly and fat and trans and black and innocent folks of THIS country who have dealt with hateful comments and dismissive language for quite some time....we're really so thankful to you for having the courage to speak up. Except that's right.... You didn't speak up for us. You weren't offended enough for us. You felt comfortable staying quiet.
Do I think it's important to point out racist comments and attitudes and thoughts. Yes. I do it all the time. But can I also think, it's about damn time? Yes. Yes I can. So please understand while I can see that there is good that can come from another voice pointing out and calling out hateful comments and ideology, I can also feel frustrated.
I'm working through that. I am. I promise that I keep trying.
It is my heart's cry that one day we can openly call out racist ideology without some person stating..
'We don't know intent.' You don't need to know intent in saying Mexicans are rapists, do you?
'We don't know the context.' In what context is 'just grab em by the pussy' NOT repulsive?
'I thought we were innocent until proven guilty.' Yea? Tell that to Tamir Rice or Oscar Grant or Philando Castile. (if you know who they are without googling it.)
'Bringing up race just divides us.' Yes. THAT'S what divides us.
Even in the midst of all of this....and as pissed as i can be and passionate as i can get...please know i have not given up on humanity. I haven't and I won't.
I'm hopeful in humanity but not because there's a bunch of white folks who now suddenly agree that trump has crossed the line and are willing to stretch their neck out to say it.
I'm hopeful because while our country might not be considered a shithole it's certainly full of shitheads and yet....
I get to see mother's make new choices that are going to change the trajectory of their families futures.
I get to witness young people opening up in honest ways about the torment they've endured, sometimes for the first time ever.
I get to connect people who have nothing in common and yet somehow after spending time together they see their commonality.
I get to continue to learn from and have my eyes opened to all I don't know by my world being filled with straight, gay, white, black, men, women, trans folks who live out loud.
I get to love people who think like me and people who don't. But I also get to choose who I bring in close and who I keep casual.
I get to check myself on the daily...and grow and learn and change....challenge myself to be as woke as i possibly can be
and because I can....that means that other's can too...
That's what I've got today.
Grab em by the pussy.
Mexicans are rapists.
Black Lives Matters is a hate group.
Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake.
Rosie O'Donnell should be fired because she has a fat, ugly face.
Plan to reinstate ban on trans military service.
Accused of sexual harrassment or assault by over 20 women.
Central Park 5.
Sued twice for not renting to black people.
And of course....the recent shithole countries vs. Norway comment.
They of course are comments, thoughts, tweets, actions,etc. that represent trump.
In the last 24 hours or so....I've read many articles, watched news clips, observed facebook posts both implode and explode....as often is the case after the most recent trump turmoil....but there was something different this time.
This time....for the first time....I read/watched/observed many more evangelicals openly speaking out against trump's shithole comment. (it's not that it's never happened....just not the amount I've observed these past two days)
And you might think....knowing if you do how i just can not stomach our current president and the horrific person he continues to show himself to be.....wow, this should make Mindy super happy and finally shut up.
But.
It hasn't. Because there is this little piece of me that wonders where the fuck have they been previously? All of the horrific things he has said and done....for much of what I've observed....there has been silence. But suddenly, countries that evangelicals so closely adore--send missionaries to--partner in ministry with are referred to in a disparaging way...and NOW he's crossed the line.
How nice of your privilege to finally allow you to show up.
The women and Mexicans and Muslims and ugly and fat and trans and black and innocent folks of THIS country who have dealt with hateful comments and dismissive language for quite some time....we're really so thankful to you for having the courage to speak up. Except that's right.... You didn't speak up for us. You weren't offended enough for us. You felt comfortable staying quiet.
Do I think it's important to point out racist comments and attitudes and thoughts. Yes. I do it all the time. But can I also think, it's about damn time? Yes. Yes I can. So please understand while I can see that there is good that can come from another voice pointing out and calling out hateful comments and ideology, I can also feel frustrated.
I'm working through that. I am. I promise that I keep trying.
It is my heart's cry that one day we can openly call out racist ideology without some person stating..
'We don't know intent.' You don't need to know intent in saying Mexicans are rapists, do you?
'We don't know the context.' In what context is 'just grab em by the pussy' NOT repulsive?
'I thought we were innocent until proven guilty.' Yea? Tell that to Tamir Rice or Oscar Grant or Philando Castile. (if you know who they are without googling it.)
'Bringing up race just divides us.' Yes. THAT'S what divides us.
Even in the midst of all of this....and as pissed as i can be and passionate as i can get...please know i have not given up on humanity. I haven't and I won't.
I'm hopeful in humanity but not because there's a bunch of white folks who now suddenly agree that trump has crossed the line and are willing to stretch their neck out to say it.
I'm hopeful because while our country might not be considered a shithole it's certainly full of shitheads and yet....
I get to see mother's make new choices that are going to change the trajectory of their families futures.
I get to witness young people opening up in honest ways about the torment they've endured, sometimes for the first time ever.
I get to connect people who have nothing in common and yet somehow after spending time together they see their commonality.
I get to continue to learn from and have my eyes opened to all I don't know by my world being filled with straight, gay, white, black, men, women, trans folks who live out loud.
I get to love people who think like me and people who don't. But I also get to choose who I bring in close and who I keep casual.
I get to check myself on the daily...and grow and learn and change....challenge myself to be as woke as i possibly can be
and because I can....that means that other's can too...
That's what I've got today.
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