The dream you don’t want to dream...

There are times I don’t write because the things that are in my heart and deep in my subconscious seem too dark or morbid or angry to put on paper. For the most part I don’t worry about what other people think… But I must admit that sometimes even I am caught off guard by the anguish that pours out of my soul.  But yesterday I was talking with my husband about the dream I had. It was the kind of thing that has crossed my mind before and that I most likely would’ve held inside because I would’ve felt it was too horrific to say out loud or share with others.

I find myself in a space right now where I am going to need to start sharing those thoughts… Those dreams…those fears. Because the weight of the world is harsh in my shoulders. I know that it shouldn’t and many often tell me that I need to do a better job of letting things go or I need to not obsess about the things I have no control over. And I know they mean well they do and they are worried about my psyche, I get it. But I have found that it does not matter, even when I try they permeate my head so I’m going to try instead to put them on paper. If they’re too dark and painful for others to read... if it makes them uncomfortable then maybe this will just be for me. Because this really is just what I got today.

The dream begins with someone I love so much being murdered by a cop. Pulled over for something in-coincidental or nonexistent and ending with their blood being spilled. All of the horrific things you might imagine would happen...happen.  The hashtags, the viral video, the lack of charges, my wailing. In the midst of the marches and all of the Thoughts and prayers posts… I am planning a funeral. I start to think of all of the people I know… Random acquaintances, coworkers, fb friends, some friends some family… Who have at one time thought ‘all lives DO matter’ or ‘why didn’t he just comply’ or ‘he just made a mistake’ or ‘he feared for his life’.  And I begin to seethe.

 And in the dream as the day approaches, I make it quite clear that not a single one of those people will be allowed at the funeral. Some close to me and upset by this fact try to tell me that I need to let people grieve and say their goodbye-that it isn’t right of me to deny them the chance to come. But I do not falter because I know that I will not have peace and cannot allow my spirit to be disrupted by their presence.   So the day comes and I hire security and I gave them a list and pictures of all of the people who are not allowed inside. And they are turned away. And many are upset.  And many think I am wrong and mean and selfish. And I do not care.

All I can think is how many times my heart is broken for other mothers and wives who have been through what I am going through. And how many of these folks who are being turned away have at some point thought I have been silly For the fear I have shared that I feel. And I have no feelings left to feel anything for them.

I wake up sweaty and full of tears. And I take a deep breath and remind myself it is only a dream.But my soul is disturbed and I know there will be no more sleep this night. So I share it. Because my soul  cannot bear it.

That’s what I’ve got today.

Thoughts and Prayers.....

I think I've shared before how the weight of the world sometimes weighs on me in ways that are hard to explain. I have very well meaning people who love me and remind me that this isn't healthy, that remind me to let things go and that might even get frustrated when I fall into my 'eeyore' zone...but honestly? It isn't something that I have control over. I'm sure at times it might a part of my battle against my diagnosis...but more often it's just that the world can be ugly and overwhelming. If I'm honest, lately, for months actually, I've been clinging to love and to hope. Because there is so much hate.

I know there's good.
I regularly get to be a part of it through my job
and BLOOM
Through my church and my friends.

But sometimes.
Sometimes when I focus only on what's good....
I fear I will become one of those
'Thoughts and Prayers ostriches
Hiding behind jolly quips
and sunny memes.

Who can read about kids in cages
And tsk that their parents sought refuge
Who can hear about mass shootings
And be sad the shooter was bullied
Rather than horrified he was in possession
of such a weapon.

Who see another unarmed man being shot
And think 'why didn't he listen TO A TEE'
Yet not speak out against white folks
Who think it's ok to yell at the cops
And even more
Are unable to see the connection, white privilege
At the least white fragility....

Who focus just on their own and what they have
And judge those that don't
Who think it is just about desire
And if you wanted to have then you would
Who forget the support they have
to help them get through.

Who make their kids live lies
Because they can't accept them as they are
Hiding and pretending
to be something they are not

I could tell myself
All is well
And truly believe it
If I put my head in the sand
Then I wouldn't have to worry
Because 'all things work together for good'
And the 'sun will come out tomorrow'
Here, take these 'thoughts and prayers'
But

Life is hard.
And good doesn't just happen.
You can't smile and pretend
Unless you are choosing to
Live in a bubble
Ignore other's struggles
Please don't

Because there is a world of folks
Who need you to see
Need you to fight
Need you to stand up
To call others out
Even if you might have to shout
To stop sending your
Thoughts and prayers
But get up, go out
And feed someone
Clothe someone
House someone
Protect someone
Hug someone (if they want)
Love someone.

Sometimes I'm tired.
Sometimes I'm weary.
And the days are long.
But even if tomorrow is dark
And a situation just doesn't have good.
I'm still going to cling to love and hope.
I'm still going to get up.
Stand up.
And I'm banking on my tribe
To be right there
So I'm not standing alone.