Boys 5 Girls 1

As I sat in my house today listening to my husband and sons talking, bantering, laughing...about girls and sports and college and girls...occasionally having the opportunity to interject into the conversation I thought about my life since Jordyn left for college in 2009.  Other than occasional times that my lil cousin Alyssa lived with us...I have been the only female in our home.  This gives me great joy, but also sometimes leaves me rather lonely and feeling like an outsider.

And it's hard really, because I LOVE that my guys get along, enjoy doing things together.  I LOVE that my husband is involved and fully a part of parenting.  I LOVE that my boys respect him and his opinion.  I wouldn't want those things to change for anything.  To bring anything up with regards to this is awkward and often makes us all uncomfortable.  It makes them feel pressure and like they've done something wrong.  Like they can't be themselves.  It makes me feel guilty that I've somehow ruined the party.  Often times it's easier to just sit quietly, smile and listen or find something else to do.

A few days ago two friends of the boys came for dinner.  Young ladies who have become close to the family.  I think they were slightly in shock at the pandemonium that is our home.  Playful kidding that becomes arguing, light taps that turn into right hooks, conversation that somehow always returns to sports and stats.  At one point one of the girls said, 'How do you survive?'  It was said, 'Come to dinner once a week so she has someone to talk to. I laughed but a small part of me felt sad for some reason.                   

At work I'm often teased that it's easy to tell that I spend a lot of time around boys because of my brass humor, quick wit and reactions to situations.  Soaked up all that testosterone is how it was explained I believe.  It makes me glad that I've loosened up some and can be 'one of the boys' but it makes me miss those girly girl times too.

Earlier this week I had to mail off a questionnaire to someone I am mentoring about me.  One of the questions was to write down three dreams that I have.  And every single thing that I came up with was a dream I have for Marlon...or for the kids.  For a moment I thought...well, that's a good thing.  It means I'm invested in their goals, I'm concerned about helping them reach for the sky but it also made me sad to think that somehow I've lost part of me.

I found myself feeling frustrated.  Like what big life dreams are there that I set aside and need to pick back up. What have I been missing out on?  My husband and kids are involved in activities, how come I'm not?  Will I even know myself when all of the kids are gone?  Will my hubby still love me?  Will he want to spend time with me?  What do I have to offer other than being a wife and mother?

This then moved to thinking....maybe that's how it's supposed to be.  Maybe in motherhood and 'wifedom', when we love hard and give fully...we do get lost for a little bit.  Maybe our goals should be their goals.  Maybe our free time should be focused on them.  And maybe it just is what it is.  Not anything that anyone is doing wrong.  

Part of who I am is a wife.  Part of who I am is a mom.  And that doesn't negate other facets of me. But I've CHOSEN to make them priorities.  I've CHOSEN to set aside some of my own dreams so that I can be involved in theirs. Not in a martyr way...but in a self sacrificial way. While I might wish I could sit at the spa all day or dinner with the girls or reading the newest book or wandering through a museum in the moment....I wouldn't want to miss a minute of this life.  This reality.  Football stories, track stats, off color jokes, feeling occasionally left out and all. 

 I'm still me.  Just not the me I was.  And I'm okay with that.

That's what I got today.

He makes it sweeter.

If the world was really an oyster

What would that mean?

A pearl in the middle?

We'd have what we need?

If I ran the circus

Life would be full of giggles?

With clowns and applause

No one stuck in the middle.

We use these phrases, toss them out

And laugh

Make light of our pain and gloss over

Our past

We want others to see the picture we paint

Not what's really inside

Not that we sometimes hate.

It's our nature really,

To sin and then hide

Avoid the truth 

Adam and Eve style

But we know we can't run

And we know we can't hide

Even the best liar 

Has good inside.

You smile.  'Great day'

You smile.  'All is well'

But your soul is tortured

And you are playing with hell

But when we fall to our knees

Admit our faults and our sin

Call out to God and let Him 

begin to build us again

He cleanses our hearts.

He molds our minds.

He captures our love.

He leaves our past behind.

Stop running.  He's there.

Stop hiding. He sees you.

Stop sinning.  He's real.

And begin again.

We can begin again.

And life will be sweeter.

It can only get sweeter.

Thank God He makes it sweeter.

That's what I've got today.

Battlefield

What I'm going to write is hard but it's been on my heart for awhile and I just have this feeling that there might be some other momma's out there that will benefit from it.

So I'm sharing.

I love my husband and my kids.  Being a mom is a great joy to me.  Not that I don't ever get stressed or tired...believe me I most definitely do...but to watch my kids grow and change is awesome.  Being a wife is hard work but definitely worth the work.  It doesn't matter how much you love each other...you are going to hurt each other, you are going to get on each other's nerves, you will have times of frustration...but to be connected to someone on a different level is special.

Satan desires to seek, kill and destroy anything in my life, in all of our lives that is good and reflective of love.  For me, that does not just mean my work, my ministry, my mentoring.  That includes my love for my kids and my husband.  Peace in my household.

Why do I forget that.

Why do I forget he's always there.

Waiting.

When they aggravate me.  When they hurt my feelings.  When I irritate them.  When I do them wrong.  Why do I fall prey to my emotions, my distrust, my temptations?  Why do I lash out in anger? Because I do not stay fully aware of Satan's tricks and I let down my guard. 

I struggle with trust.

I struggle with acceptance.

I struggle with worth.

And yet.  I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made.  I know that He desires to give me hope and a future.  I know that when I keep my focus on what is good, pure, lovely then God's peace will be with me.

I am free from distrust.

I am free from neediness.

I am free from worthlessness.

I know this about so many facets of my life.  I apply them.  And yet.  In my own home, I forget.

I let sin and despair seep in and pepper the way that I interact.  That I love.

I work in a field, in an environment where I know I am in a spiritual battle.  I have no doubt of that.  

But I'm in that same spiritual battle in my personal life as well.  It's not exempt.  I know that Satan would love to destroy my marriage.  My relationships.  My peace.  My joy.  I need to be armored up 24/7 and always alert.

Thankful for open eyes.  And opportunity for growth.  And freedom.

That's what I got today.

Motivated?

I've been thinking lately a lot about motivation.

A co-worker recently told me that she wasn't sure how I did it, but I turned a resume writing class into a motivational talk.  One of the women at the shelter said that whenever she talks to me she feels motivated to make changes in her life.

These are special compliments I hold dearly.  Mostly because lately I've been feeling highly UNmotivated.

My house is in total disarray.

My personal time is sadly suffering.

I haven't been to the Y in I can't even remember.

I have several phone calls/emails I need to respond to that I just don't get around to.

And yet.

I am able to muster up something of Him to relay to others.  

When I am most weary, I've learned I am most aware of His presence.  Sustaining me.  Carrying me.

That somewhat corny poem about the footprints and where was He when there were only one set of footprints?  Guess what?

IT IS TOTALLY TRUE!

Even in the midst of this season, of not getting things done when I'd like and pieces seemingly falling and balls possibly being dropped...I sit in a place of contentment.  He is there.  I am not alone and He never leaves my side.

Such growth God has done in me.

Satan used to so easily get me.  And believe me, he still gets me.  

But I am so much more aware of his lurking.  I am so much more honest about struggles and frustration. And in that truth?  He must move around.

I am so much more aware of his tricks.  I am so much more honest about temptation and weakness.  And in that truth?  He must flee.

Grateful for growth and change.  Grateful that sometimes, even if it takes me a longgggggg time, sometimes...I get it.

He gives me rest.

And guess what?  He wants to give it to you too.  He desires to be in relationship with you because He loves you.  

My worst day with Him is beyond words better than my best day without Him.  I can't explain it.  It just is.

That's what I got today.

Have you ever felt a prayer?

Rely on Him for comfort. Trust His plan. Believe God is always near.

I've tossed these phrases out so often.  To friends. To women I minister to. To family. To myself.  And I believe them with all of my heart.

But to find yourself in the midst of truly needing them?  To have the life application available to put them into practice?  That's another things entirely.

'So we need to figure out exactly what is going on.  And the concern is that we need to get that heart pumping properly.  Because of this we need to restrict physical activity until I see him again. I don't do this lightly and I want you to know that.  In fact, this is the first patient I've restricted in 3 years. That's how serious I'm taking this. I know this is a lot to take in.'

Yesterday, a youth cardiologist said those words to me.  And he was right.  It was a lot to take in.  Almost too much.

Elijah is my incredibly goofy boy.  Always joking, always looking to make other laugh, always keeping the atmosphere light and laid back.  He moves non-stop and always has. So the thought of him being sedentary was a foreign thought.

As we waited for the EKG we didn't talk much.  My mind was racing.  I have to be honest, my brain jumped quickly from him not being in gym or sports....to God's grace.

His heart has not been functioning properly and we don't know for how long. He first experienced something in April and didn't say anything until his sport physical in July.  But at this point, there's no telling if it's been ongoing, lifelong, etc.  This boy goes nonstop.  Track practice 4-6 times a week, track meets, full week of activity at Nationals, recent cross country runs daily.  And aside of the occasional bouts of pain, which led to these appointments, he has not been affected.  His heart has kept beating.  Grace.

As a teenage boy who LOVES and LIVES sports....he spoke up. He was honest and open about the pain he had experienced.  He answered the doctor's questions fully, without hesitation, admittedly aware that it might mean he wouldn't get that sport slip signed in time.  He says that he just felt he needed to say something and the physical seemed like the right time.  Grace.

Our family doctor took the information seriously.  She didn't wave it off.  She didn't dismiss it as 'normal'.  Having been our family doctor for almost 15 years...she knows his history.  She knows he is a physically fit kid.  She knows that he can run 10-15 miles at a time and so he wasn't 'getting winded' from sprints at practice.  She didn't say, 'keep an eye on that and let me know if it continues.'  She referred him to the cardiologist.  Grace.

The cardiologist got the results and was honest to say that he didn't feel equipped to analyze them. That he had made notes and written a report based on his findings, but he really felt that because of Elijah's age (16) that he should be seen at Children's.  That they would be best equipped to determine what, if anything, should be done and what they thought.  Grace.

Which led us to the appointment yesterday.

I am doing my best not to go into panic mommy mode and smother.  Even though I would really like to just make him sit on my lap and sing songs to him and rock him. :) I am also doing my best to not over or under react.  To follow their instructions until the appointment September 13th.  To take one day at a time.  To trust.

I have no control over this.  September 13th is going to come and I have no idea what they will find when they do the follow up echocardiogram.  I don't know if the medicine he is taking will help. Or even refraining from sports.

But I know that God does.  And I know that He loves my son more than I ever could imagine. And it is true, He will never leave His side or mine.  I am thankful for so many friends and family who are praying...not just for the results and healing, but for our hearts in the midst.  For the journey through the storm. For peace.

Have you ever felt prayers?  It is the most peaceful and amazing thing.  To be content in the midst of chaos.  To be calm in the midst of craze.  To honestly and fully embrace His plan.

Relying on Him for comfort.
Trusting His plan.
Believing He is near.

That's what I got today.

Hoping for Just a Lil Hope Like That...

Today I helped a mom fill her car full of stuff and her kids as she headed out to a new apartment; so excited to be in her own place again.  Such a blessing that there are such nice donations of bedding and other housewares, games and toys so that she might have a decent start.

But it's the other stuff her car was full of that made the deeper impact on me.

Excitement.
Promise.

Hope.

Where would she be without hope.  Where would ANY of us be without hope.

 As we hugged and I teared up (which never fails, I always do, no matter what the circumstances of a family leaving) I was so touched by her hope.

She knows and loves Jesus.
Her kids attended camp and they love Jesus.

She does not have an easy road ahead of her.  There are many, many strikes against her and society will likely not be kind.  She knows this.  She lives it and it is her reality.  We've talked about how overwhelming it has been.  Immobilizing it has been.

But for hope.

I look around my day to day life...and I see so many situations...in my own life and others...that we get our panties in a bunch about super insignificant things.  Important perhaps at the moment.  But in the scheme of life...nonsensical. 

Or maybe those difficult things, truly difficult, that seem overwhelming at the time..difficult to process...difficult to see our way out of....can consume us and cause us to lose hope.

One could say that my friend today has much to be hopeless about.

Lack of education.
Limited support system.
Limited income.
Lack of employment.

Yet.  A heart full of hope.

Thankful for the daily reminders God gives me to stay focused on Him.  Praying for just a lil hope like this hope.

That's what I got today.

The next level.

Since becoming a believer 15+ years ago, I have always loved three books in the Bible the most.  (I'm not sure if it's sacreligious or not to have a 'favorite', but...) Psalms, Romans and Philippians.  Psalms because during times of deep depression I found such peace and comfort there.  Philippians because when I first began to truly transform I found encouragement and accountability there.  And Romans.  Romans 12 to be exact.  And I guess because it's been a pattern for where I keep returning to when I need a lil reminder to get right and act right.

If you've never read Romans...I encourage you to.  No matter what your thoughts are about Jesus and the Bible being the word of God...it's a good word.  It's a reminder that life is not about us.  The entire American concept of get yours, look out for #1...do everything we can to combat that with love, service, humility.

Romans 12:1-2 says, Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Not sure what that is saying?

A living sacrifice.  What is a sacrifice? A loss.  Something that is given up for the good of a better cause.  Or given up to pay homage to a deity.  If I am to offer my body as a living sacrifice---in a desire to worship God---I had better know what is pleasing to God.  Denying myself.  Resisting the temptation of sin.  Living obediently.  

Do not conform to this world.  My thoughts, my goals, my desires will not look like and should not look like what the world looks like.  The world values outward appearance.  Scripture tells me that God looks at the heart of a man.  Status does not matter.  Financial security does not matter. Position does not matter.  The shoes I wear do not matter.  The car I drive does not matter.  Prestige does not matter.  

God's will.  Man, do we worry about our own will and plan.  If I continue to renew my mind and set it on the things that God values...things change.  Not always circumstance, but most definitely always perception.

The rest of Romans 12 goes on to talk about humble service and love in action.  When I read it, as I've been today as I plan to lead the women's ministry at our church, it challenges me.  It gives me a little fire in the pit of my tummy.  It makes me want to go out and change the world in His name.  To love and care for His people.  To deny myself and fully submerge myself in His plan.  To open up my hands and release anything that is not of Him and prepare myself to accept whatever He has next.

To go to the next level.

That's what I got today.