One of the things that struck me today at mentor training was the comments the facilitators made regarding our young people and how difficult it is to not get distracted by the negative things in society because they are all around them. That between the internet, radio, movies, music, etc. it is virtually impossible to not get sucked into things that they shouldn't. One comment said that the average male views his first pornographic image at age 10...often times on the very devices, cable, etc that his parents have brought into his home. That many of our young women will possibly never realize and own their own beauty because of the lies that we feed them about how they should look, dress, interact with men. If you have viewpoints that are conservative...you are somehow the problem. The prude. Yet when our young people fall prey to thoughts, warped self images and lewd behavior in response to these societal norms...most of us balk and are upset. It's so deep seeded.
It's been on my mind all day. Partly because of my job. I see and love on women everyday who have no hope and have fallen prey to warped thinking that their worth is somehow linked to what a man thinks of them. Partly because of today. Looking at the young ladies at the Challenge Academy and wondering where we as a society have failed them and what can we do to change it. And partly because I went through a period in my life where my thinking was so warped that I actually thought I was exerting my SHE-RA power by dressing how I wanted, letting it all hang out--using sex to control and participating in all kinds of harmful behaviors.
Our young girls live in a society...heck even us women....where there are entire shows in which the premise is to find a man. Or...to be the woman that a man finds. Or...to act like a complete ass--cursing people out, fighting and falling out of their clothes, drunk as a skunk. Or...to be an uber bitch who bullies others to get what they want. Or....to subtly get tittie shots and camoflauge it as a lingerie pro-woman show. And this is entertainment. And we watch. And we laugh. And we somehow feel we've arrived? Like we are in control and calling the shots? SHAME ON US!!!!! I hardly think this is what Helen Reddy was refering to when she belted out, 'I am woman hear me roar!!'
I'm talking to the ladies here.
Forget the men. That's an entire different topic. They can deal with each other on that one. And there is a lot of work to do because TV, the internet, videos have become so blatantly sexualized that many of them are desensitized to it. What they allow in front of their eyes....well, that's their sin to deal with.
I'm talking to the ladies here.
Where in the world have we gone wrong.
For myself, I remember the first time I realized I had power over a man. That by simply dancing a certain way....or smiling a certain way....I could elicit a response. It was funny to me. That I was strong and they were weak. I'm not sure if I consciously thought...'I've got the power!' or not...but looking back I know that I behaved as if I did. What a joke. Do we not see how the upper hand in this scenario is still in the man's control? I was weak. Because I was allowing their response to dictate my behavior. Not the other way around. This is Satan's trick. Be aware. Because that quickly becomes a trap. He is always lurking and waiting to seek, kill and destroy.
What we feel builds our self esteem? Really...it destroys it. Because suddenly our worth...rests on the attention of a man. Rests on what he thinks of us. And it cuts us to the core as we begin to compare ourselves to other women around us. Who is pulling attention? Who is wearing what? What do they have that I don't have? Are we doing enough? Are we worthy enough? Are we sexy enough? Does he want me? Does he love me? Does he find me desirable?
And when did THAT become the marker of being a confidant, approachable and desirable woman? Being sexy? Hey ladies, guess what? That is all a lie. The thinking that being sexy=having power is a lie from the pit of hell. Sexy gets you NOTHING of substance that lasts for more than a night. Let me repeat that.
Sexy gets you NOTHING of substance that lasts for more than a night.
I want our young ladies....all of us...to look beyond looks. Scripture tells us this...that man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart. Those of us that are believers in Christ might know a song or two with those lyrics...we might quote it when someone is down...or even repeat it to ourselves when we are having a 'fat' day. But you know what.
It's true. And somehow when it comes to how we view ourselves....we don't live as if it's true. We might use it to help a friend who is struggling....but that's not the same as claiming it as truth for our lives. We need to start living as if it's true.
Our young ladies need to see us standing tall and carrying ourselves with confidance...without worrying about being 'sexy'. Everytime I see a young girl on FB or twitter with her chest stuck out and her ass pushed back....her lips all pouty and 'that look' in her eyes I want to slap her. Okay, cover my son's eyes and then slap her. But you know what? There's a whole lotta grown folk doing that too. So how do I fault a 14, 16, 18 year old for it? We've set the stage.
Our young ladies need to see us valuing ourselves for our dedication to our families, our careers, our education rather than our wardrobes and shoes and make up. What we talk about, what we watch on TV, what we spend our time doing...is what matters to us. What do others around you see as your worth? If we asked a young person in your life what gives you confidance...what would they say?
Our young ladies need to see us. Women we need to step up and step in. Everyone doesn't always have a momma with sense. Who are the young people in your life, in your sphere of influence...that you are having hard conversations with? So we need to clean up our act. We need to act right. We need to make conscious decisions about what we allow in our lives, what we put up with. We need to find out if we really value ourselves as more than a pretty face, or tight tush, or fancy pants. We might say we do. I mean after all, it's the hoo-rah-rah battle cry...that we are independent, strong women who can handle it. But at our core...does our behavior reflect that thinking?
Find a young woman this week and give her a hug. Then have a real conversation. About real issues. Not the latest fad, or who he picked at the end of the season, not where the best hairstylist is or which club has the 'finest' men. But real talk. Her future might depend on it.
That's what I got today.
