Song in my heart.

My brain is on overload. May and June are always crazy months of activity and very little margin.  Almost all of what is occurring is positive...but it still is.

In the midst of this busy time, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. Because I am one who can very easily do all the things for all the people...I've learned over the years that I must take time to pause and reflect, even if it is only for a few moments a day.

Today in the car...a beautiful gospel song I love came on and I cranked the radio and sang out at the top of my lungs. And I kinda just teared up a little as I sang because it hit me that I couldn't remember the last time I sang like that.  Just worshipped God like that.  I've sang of course...but there is something different about being in the presence of God and giving Him all that you have with full abandon.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

Since last fall so much has happened...I've addressed my bipolar which always includes med adjustments, I've been in therapy and we've been in marriage counseling, I've tried to be more conscious of keeping margin, I've allowed myself to have my first group of girlfriends in decades, I've done more reading and writing than I have in years and I've recommitted myself to focusing on myself.

There's an unsettled worry that has permeated my spirit and I still find myself having fear.  I am fighting though because I trust and believe that Christ did not give me a spirit of fear....so I cling to Him that is most high and that helps me get through to the next day, sometimes the next moment.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

In a few months my youngest son leaves for college and my husband and I will be empty nesters. I've shared with him and most close to me, that I am facing this with a little bit of Eeyore worry.  I know all of the wonderful and kind things that so many have told me but. I have LOVED being a mom...maybe more than I have loved being me if I'm honest. And that scares me because as I rediscover myself...what if I don't fit anymore?  As I begin to pursue my dreams and reach my goals....what will I leave behind?

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

My lack of motivation lately has been frustrating for me. I'm normally a function at 200% kind of person and so this newfound ability to veg out and do nothing is irritating. It's not a peaceful and restful rest state of being...it's more of a too lazy to get moving state of being. While I understand this quite possibly be a side effect of my medication...it still frustrates me.  It's not the kind of thing I can pretend isn't so...I've NEVER believed in 'fake it until you make it'...so I've been leaning into it and am finally finding myself coming out of the fog.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

Today I had a hard day. My work day was ridiculously busy after 5 days away...my brain was feeling jumbled and full of details and my anxiety was bubbling.

And in the midst of that.

My heart found a song.
And it was lovely and it felt like home.

That's what I got today.

And not just that.

Every one pretty much knows how I feel about #45. I make no bones about it. And the hate that already existed that his promotion of....has unleashed it in a more open format. 

And....I've been so disillusioned by the folks who bought into the circus and hysteria that is our current state...frustrated and angry.  And a little sad.  Sad that they would want a commander in chief who says the hateful and ignorant things that #45 says.

Please hear me. I get not agreeing with someone's political stances. I get choosing in line with values. But I could not and can not fathom....that unless you are willing to ignore the truth and reality of hatred...you would have voted for this man.  ( and please, don't bring up the emails. that's the least of our problems right now....are you brushing up up on your Russian everyone?)

Then. A woman who is really an acquaintance. And from I do know of her is amazingly kind and gentle and thoughtful. Who stopped over to drop off some things for BLOOM....said she wanted to tell me something.

And she said....I wanted to tell you....I know what you think about Trump.

Me (on the inside) oh no. oh please.

Her: There is something good that came from him being in office.

Me (on the inside) oh no. oh please.

Her: It really opened my eyes to all of the hatred that people had.  I had no idea what things were really like. And I'm learning so much. And I want to know more.

Me: That is so great.

And.

It made me think.....for all of those #45 supporters who are all in, standing by every single tweet, dismissing every stupid comment and culturally inappropriate behavior (um quit waving at the folks in Saudi dude), refusing to acknowledge the perpetuating of hate speech and rape culture.....there are folks like her.

Having eyes opened.
Seeing the world new.
Growing in understanding.
Standing in truth.

And not just that.

But being bold enough to share and talk about it?  Especially with someone who has adamantly not been very open?

I have so much respect for her. And I am so grateful that she trusted me with her experience.
And as she's shown interest in being a part of BLOOM...I am excited to get to know her more.

And not just that.

As her eyes are opened and she can articulate what she is hearing and seeing....she has a different window than I do because of how I often protect my space from #45 antics.  She can speak in so many different arenas than I.

And not just that.

Because she is someone I know to be reserved and careful with her words....they will carry tremendous weight as she says them.

And not just that.

It reminded me that as much as I need that tight circle of my people who share my heart and understand my soul....I also need those that don't.

That's what I got today.

I feel it.

So today I am sitting in the sun
and reflecting on my day
Hurried and then
Waiting
Nothing seeming to be just quite right
And yet nothing is wrong
But everything is wrong.

It doesn't make sense
yet in my soul it does
and my heart's cry is that
 in the midst of the chaos
and deep heartache and joy
the day to day
would elevate.

There is so much good
in the midst of bad
positive changes
and hope for what's to come
opportunities and possibilities
when others have few

You might be battling
a demon inside
that won't let you go
gives you nowhere to hide
or maybe you can't recognize
the warm sunny rays
the cool gentle breeze
the new mercies that come
with each given day.

But they are there;

When all seems wrong
And nothing makes sense
when hope seems far
Trust.

When the clouds cover
the brightness inside
that diminish your soul
that hinders your cry
Believe,

When morning seems far
and tomorrow a dream
because today overwhelms
and the past has crept in.
Move.

Trust there is more.
Believe there is more,.
Move til there's more.

It's coming. I feel it.


That's what I got today,.

Momma's day and more....

It's been a weird day so far.

My emotions are all over.

My heart always goes out to the women who struggle on Mother's Day for whatever the reason.

Maybe their own momma has gone to heaven or
Maybe they never really had a momma there
Maybe they wanted to be a momma and can't
Or maybe they were and now aren't.
Maybe they wish it were different
because maybe they messed it up
Or maybe they struggle being a momma
And can't let anyone know

My story hasn't been this. But all of our stories matter.
And today was no different.

My weekend began with time with my girl. She bought me a dress and we giggled in the dressing room together.
My older boys took over the call with a surprise gift and card and extra hugs they know that I cherish so.
My morning was relaxed with so many texts and inbox messages and memes. My youngest did the dishes and my husband wrote a FB post.

But somewhere in the midst of not caring much what we did today.
And just planning to play it by ear.

I got sad.
And emotional.
And I must admit, I feel selfish and frustrated for feeling like this.
There are so many women with really hard shit
That I am certainly not in a place to fret.
And yet.

That's where I am.

So I did my best....to be out and about.
Soaked up some sun and a Strawberry refresher
Bought some new shoes and sunglasses.
Argued with my husband because when you aren't in sync
Isn't that just what we do?
To not be understood is hard.

Cried a bit and then a little more
Missed my mommy and my kids
Even though they're still there

And I took a deep breath
And decided today
Wasn't going to be lost because
I'm still feeling this way.

So I got my tennies, my computer and book
Grabbed my charger and off I went.
To have a day I know I need.
Even if I'm having it alone.
And that is totally okay because
Most of my days are not spent that way.
And not much has changed
The morning is what it was
And I'm not gonna suddenly
see my mom or my MN kids
But my perspective has changed
and my heart had a shift
Sitting and praying and writing
And nibbling a warm chocolate chip cookie


I encourage you to sit and rest
In the truth of your day
Of your heart.
Just remember that you are strong and capable
And worthy of much

Whether momma or not
Who you want to be
Or still working on it
Letting go of your heart
Or still carrying it....
You are worthy of much.

That's what I got today.....

Just the tip of the 13 Reasons Why Iceberg....

I just finished 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.  As painful as it is to watch some of the scenes because they are graphic.  I would strongly advise watching this. You can cover your eyes or fast forward if it's too difficult to watch.  I have sooo much to share regarding this series. I am most positive that this will develop into many blogs. That's ok. It's a topic that must be discussed.

I'm aware of the strong controversy surrounding this series. And I definitely wouldn't suggest littles watch....but depending on where they go to school, what they've been exposed to...I think young people 13 and older could be the appropriate age.  Of course parents need to make their own decisions for their family....but I would caution from hiding and pretending this isn't real.

The real and raw way that high school life is portrayed....is pretty spot on. From the masks worn to fit in, rape culture, bullying, hiding vulnerability, pretending, rape, drinking and drugs, etc....you will get a glimpse into the world that is.  And if you have strong opinions regarding suicide it might rock the foundation you think you stand on.

It's possible that because I attempted suicide at age 16...that I see this from a different perspective than the average 45 year old woman. It's possible that because my kids share many things about their world that other don't....that I see this from a different perspective than the average mom. 

We can't reduce the horrific reality that our children are living to clichés and anecdotes.

They deserve better.  And we must be more involved, more aware, more willing to have the deep, dark ugly conversations that must happen.

Bullying is not just the kid that calls another kid a name.  We all take part in bullying when we don't stand up for the person or people being bullied.  You can't just teach your child not to call other kids names. You need to teach them what to do if they hear someone else being called a name.  And you need to teach them what to do if they are the one being called the name.  As parents that is two common places we like to live....the 'my kid would never bully someone else' camp or the 'nobody would bully my child-they are too sweet' camp.  The reality yes they might and yes they could.  This means we better work through our own shit so that we can be a solid and safe place for them to come.  There's no right way to this. Please hear me that I am not trying to judge anyone's parenting style or personal struggles.  But I do believe that in order for us to fully enter into our kids realities we need to check our own at the door....or at least acknowledge that it exists.


Rape and rape culture is real.  The teens (both male and female) that do not and can not recognize that are at risk of becoming involved in it.  We can't put our heads in the sand that our kid isn't doing it.  All kinds of students can sext, send naked pictures, ignore signs, rape others, place blame on victims, not understand consent. It's more than just----don't force a girl to have sex.  My generation especially....do we get that?  There are many layers. Have our daughter's and son's been taught what consent is? Our children need to stop being taught to focus on the no and start to focus on the yes.  Consent is not 'saying no'....consent is saying yes.  And locker room talk?  Is not ok. And the phrase 'boys will be boys' well that just makes me want to puke or punch someone in the throat. (still working on my violent 'take my earrings out' response at times) 

This isn't a phase or 'not here' issue. Suicide affects children as young as eight!!!!! 
What in the world are we doing and what the actual hell are we thinking.

So much more to process.....so much more to say.

But that' s what I've got today.

Are you gonna glide....or press?

Because I'm a day or two behind....today I was on Tony Evan's lesson on Pursuing Your Heavenly Citizenship.  This really impacted me.  And I listened to it all, which I normally do...but there's often a spot where I rest and marinate.  I love doing this.  I encourage you to do so if you don't on a regular basis....listen to a variety of teachers and marinate on the word.  Then think about how to apply it. 

If we have our citizenship in Heaven and are strangers here....yet we have not yet arrived....what does that mean?

Is that an free pass to be sneaky and shady?  Living as we'd like, hurting who we may? Focusing on self and fretting not about others?  Can we just glide through?  I mean...we have not yet arrived, right?


No.

Spiritual development is not developed by gliding. It must be a diligent, determined decision to grow spiritually, to pattern ourselves after Jesus.  We cannot glide. We must press.

If we sit back, do the same old things, fall into the same old behaviors....we will not mature.  And it's so easy to slide into those old ways.  It's comfortable.  Why is looking back so easy?  I think we take our focus off of what is important in the moment for our flesh.  But what is important in the spiritual?

Where are your priorities?  Where are you trying to go?

Priorities.....I think we so often think of priorities in the sense of what we want to or plan to "do".

I am going to be....
I plan to....
These are often followed by tangible goals and dreams we have of the money we will make, the activities we will pursue, the vacations we will take, the home we will own, the weight we will be, the friends we will have, the mate we will attract....believe I am not trying to insinuate that those things are sinful or wrong. But I don't know that they should be our priority.

What if our priorities were spiritual?  Becoming more like Christ.   Paul spoke of the fruit of the spirit and gave us the following....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Are you actively pressing toward this fruit?  Or are you trying to glide into these attributes?  If you are trying to glide....that might cut it for a bit. Your charm, your hiding, your ability to juggle might allow you time to 'show' others that you are love or kind, or filled with goodness or able to control yourself.  But it won't last.  Because when you are just gliding through....you won't be able to withstand when the temptation comes....when the challenging circumstance comes...when you aren't getting your way.  In those situations...you MUST be able to press on.  You must be able to stand and push.

As we are travelling toward spiritual maturity...who are we headed there with?  I am not one who believes that we need to cut anyone who doesn't think like us or believe like us out of our life.  But I do believe that it is imperative that we have some folks around us who are headed the same way.  What do we tell our kids....you are a reflection of who you hang out with...you are the company that you keep.  Why do we think that is different for us as adults?  Think about it....as an adult...when you find yourself with a new set of acquaintances, co-workers, friends...and they have different values, ideas, even behavior....how easy is it to slip into behaving in ways that are counter active to your spiritual nature?  You might find yourself cussing more....joking about things you normally wouldn't more....judging more...gossiping more....or things even more compromising.  If we are with those who see no harm in those things....might even encourage such things....and those are the voices speaking into our life?  It's time to reevaluate.

I'm speaking to myself as much as to anyone else.  I want to leave behind the misguided priorities and the people and things that sidetrack me and cause me to detour from where I'm headed.  I do not want to glide and I want to be mindful when I sense that I am doing so.  I also want loved ones around me with the ability to tell me when they think I am.

I love the difficult road it is to follow after Jesus. Some who know me, know that I often joke about 'setting my Jesus down' or 'flesh Mindy'. i'm human. I get off course. I behave in ways Christ never would. I want revenge, I want punishment, I want to be right.
But those that know me well, know that my heart's desire is to be like Jesus.  To ooze the spirit out of my pores.  I know Christian has so many negative connotations now...and humans have done so many horrific things in the name of Jesus...so I honestly do not like saying I am a Christian.

But I love Jesus.
And I want to pattern my life, as best I humanly can, after Him.

Full of grace and love and integrity and truth and compassion.
Refusing to glide through life....and fighting the temptation to do so.
Rather pressing on, pushing through so that He might increase and I might decrease.
Because the race is not over.

That's what I got today.

Coffee, anyone?

There are so many hard, horrific and ugly things happening in our country right now. The world really.  And my empathy ways really struggle with the weight of all of that darkness and brokenness....not to mention my own personal concerns and worries.

But this morning, I set aside time for a 'coffee clutch' with some friends at a library in Milwaukee.  It was kind of an extension of BLOOM, my kind of new ministry....but it was also just an extension of my desire to be with women.

You know how many of us are always trying to catch up with so and so for coffee or lunch or just a few minutes to talk and laugh and cry and share...but there never seems to be time. Or that one moment you do have free, you either want to spend it alone or if you do make plans-then you're leaving someone out??  Now that my weekends (unless I'm in Minnesota) are relatively free...I thought I'm just going to create the space for a few friends to get together and be.  So I reserved a room at a library (free and easy and all over the city) and then invited a few people.

And as I was driving home this afternoon and reflecting on my morning.

I felt peace.

Because for 2 and a half hours, 8 women with a lot and with nothing in common drank coffee and juice, ate grapes and sweets and laughed and cried and prayed and just....were.

All different.
Different ages.
Different colors.
Different zip codes.
Different stories.

But it didn't matter because there was common ground.

The need and desire to have a moment to just be.

And we could.
Be heard.
Be understood.
Be cared for.
Be loved.

There doesn't always have to be an agenda, a cause.  Because sometimes we just need to look around us, at who God has placed in front of us and then begin a relationship.  We don't even need to know what the outcome of the relationship will be.  We might just be casual acquaintances or we might become super close confidants.  We might be able to help each other out of jams and connect each other with resources that we need or we might just send up a quick prayer.

Today I laughed, cried, hugged and prayed because I was at a table with 7 other women who decided that they were going to set aside time and be intentional about relationship and it didn't matter that we don't look alike, live alike or love alike.

It just mattered that we were.  And in the midst of all hard, horrific and ugly things....

My soul is content.

That's what I've got today.

In that moment

I'm sitting outside right now. It's kind of chilly but

The sun is so brilliant this morning on our back patio.
And there are a gazillion birds fluttering about, likely searching for the food my dad might have put out by now.
The occasional car rolls by and takes a glance my way.
The breeze twisting those leaves around the patio.
I can hear the train across town, trucks flying down the highway.
There's even an owl (shouldn't he be asleep?) in the distance.

All of these different elements coexist.
And as I sit here, together they create my community.
As I sit here, privileged enough to sip my coffee in a warm hoodie and take a minute from my work of a good paying job that I don't even really like, I can breathe it all in at once.
It's quite soothing actually and while it might not seem like it would all go together-it fits.
Like a beautiful picture you see all of the layers at once.

But when I close my eyes. I can concentrate on just one piece at a time.
I can shut out each of the others.  It's easier to do than you think, shut out the noise...
Just that car and it's messed up muffler,
Just that train and it's loud horn.
Just that leaf as it twists across the cement.
Even the birds with their symphonic melody can be reduced to one chirp at a time.
Like a beautiful picture you are discovering each layer one at a time.

Which is better?  I don't know.
Maybe that's the wrong question.

Which is needed?
Might be more appropriate.

Because.

Some days.  I need to take it all in. The sun, the birds, the cars, the breeze, the train, the owl.  It is glorious.  I appreciate fullness and goodness and unity when I do.
Some days.  I need to focus. One thing at a time. Appreciate each minute detail. Relish in the small. It is amazing. I appreciate individuality and heartbeat and uniqueness when I do.

I don't think we can do both at the same time. I mean we can try. But we miss the full experience and impact of either when and if we do.  And we minimize the powerful truth of either scenario when we do.

I think often we must choose in that moment which we are going to appreciate and value and acknowledge.

The full tapestry of humanity.
Or the individual human.

And then be about love.

That's what I got today.

Working through the anger....

I am tired of being angry. And yet I have no other emotion for what I feel every time I hear in the news of another young black man being killed.  Forgive me today for my anger. I stayed away yesterday. But I have to get it out today.

One more story like so many stories. But...

Some of you need Jordan Edward's story though, right?

Because well, Mike Brown.  You know, scary and a thief.
Because well, Eric Garner.    You know, scary and selling loosies.
Because well, Oscar Grant.    You know, scary and a thug.

But this? Jordan Edwards?  Like Tamir Rice right??  I mean so young, just a sad tragedy, was this avoidable?

Well, it's the same ol narrative to a lot of us.

But because your brain won't allow you to fathom a country, a community that is okay with our young black children being punished in school at a higher rate, being incarcerated at a higher rate, being killed by police at a higher rate.....

You get to quickly scan an article and look for the little shred of justification you can cling to so the cop isn't bad and the kid isn't good.

You get to quickly scan an article and decide not to read it because 'it's just too hard'.

You get to quickly scan an article and decide it would be so much better received if the writer wasn't so angry and was willing to see both sides.

You get to ignore.

There is much muck in our world... I fully understand.
Not everything is everyone's cause... I fully understand.
It's hard to relate to things that aren't your reality... I fully understand.

But it's getting harder and harder as a wife of a black man and a mother of black sons  (and yes I know they are 25% white and 25% Hispanic but society sees them as black period point blank) to rebound after each new death is brought to light.

It's getting harder and harder to see the Blue Lives Matter posts and watch the videos of fun cops dancing in the streets and white teachers high fiving black students with 'cool' handshakes and pictures of little brown and white babies holding hands with captions 'Hate isn't born it's taught'

AND I DON'T SEE YOU SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING.

So you are small scale, don't want to cloud your social media with difficult and negative things?     Ok cool, I understand that.

What friends are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit?
What family are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit? (and I understand there's respect for elders)
What coworkers are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit?  And I most definitely mean teachers, medical professionals, social workers, cops, cops, cops, cops.

What inner work are you doing for your own racial biases?

This is a humanity issue. This is NOT just cops NOT doing their job properly.

Murder,
Messy details.
Questionable story.
No charges.
Rarely fired.
Mostly no apologies or accountability.
Back to status quo we go.

I'm tired of that.  Exhausted from the whiplash of it.

Do we care?  I mean, do we really really care? 

Read about Emmett Till.  Not just the Wikipedia page.  1955.  And then read someone's story from today. Or a year ago. 5 years ago.

Do you think we really care?


My heart aches in unexplainable ways.
My boys are alive and well right now. They are breathing and learning and growing.

But I know they are a New Year's eve away, a stroll home away, a social worker job away, a party away, a street corner away, a traffic stop away, a 'I was afraid and he was aggressive' away.

And please don't comfort me with saying God loves them.  They are prayed for.  I know this.

God loves every single one of us.
Many of us have people praying for us.

And yet I know they have a higher probability of becoming a hash tag than many of my friend's, family and coworker's sons do.

And I can not and will not stop fighting until change happens.
I can not and will not be quiet so you don't feel so uncomfortable.
I can not and will not paint the pretty picture that it is okay.

Because it's not.

That's what I've got in this moment. And what my heart can no longer hold.