I hope that anyone reading my blog has realized through my posts that I certainly do not think I have the answers...at best, I somehow always seem to ask more questions!! Being inquisitive by nature and a learner by choice, I often find myself viewing life differently than many around me. Not better or worse...but different. And I know that my heritage, my crazy life before Christ, my raw way of seeing things can bring a different perspective than many. So. I share.
Abuse.
You could talk about abuse for days, weeks, months on end and still never put a dent into fully understanding the ramifications it has on an individual. There are so many kinds of abuse and so many individuals who have experienced some kind of abuse...I am one of them.
I certainly didn't set out to be in an abusive relationship. In fact, if anyone had told me prior to that relationship that I would be I would have laughed. I certainly wasn't "that" woman. That woman that is so dumb, so blind, so naive to what's really going on. But I was.
I actually didn't have a lot of relationship experience. A couple of very short, very high school relationships which weren't very "real" and then Jordyn's father. We were together quite some time, obviously very intimate and he had proposed. That was the depth of my knowledge when I first met this man.
Too clingy. Too nosy. Too demanding. Moving too quickly. I was only 20 and just out of a 2 year relationship I wasn't ready for full blown "wifey" status. We'll call him
Fred. I was able to cut my ties quickly because I moved to Whitewater, had my daughter and school to think about and wasn't ready. Whew.
What followed were several years of mass chaos and destructive behaviors with men. It aches my heart to know what I chose to be a part of and the negative that still at times affects me today. I share that simply to say that I believe it played a part of what led me to return to him. And also to acknowledge the amazing power of redemption.
As I slowly began to realize that being an 'around the way filet' might not be for me and certainly wasn't going to lead to anything meaningful Fred began to pop back up. Because I still went out in the same circles quite honestly he was always still there...I just didn't see him. But he began to pursue me. And because it was what I thought I was looking for at the time...I allowed myself to be pursued.
Our relationship moved quickly. And honestly, painfully. From the beginning there was emotional abuse. Withholding affection. Belittling. Name calling. But there were also some good times so you overlook. And you make excuses. And you choose to be blind. After all he wasn't physically abusing me.
That 'honeymoon' phase you read about...it's real. And so we got engaged. I know. Can't explain other than to say living a lie is very hard to come out of.
The first time he put his hands on me we were arguing over something. I can't even remember what. But whatever I said made him so mad that he grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed me into the kitchen wall. So hard that my shoulder blades left holes in it. I got so scared and angry myself that I began to grab his face and scratch him. So bad that I knicked his eye. This of course caused great drama at how angry and abusive I was that I would mark him and led to me apologizing over and over. The decision was made to get help.
That never got to happen before the second time. The second time is hard to write about even now. It began leaving a party celebrating my dance team's opening night of our show. It ended with me being unconscious in a lot next to our parking lot with him on top of me trying to revive me and the police arriving after a neighbor called them.
I never went back. After the hospital. The police station. My parent's fear. I couldn't. And I slowly began to come out of the fog.
Here's the piece I think that can make cycles. If you don't own up to your own part of the experience (now I'm not talking about child abuse where a child does not have control over the situation) and your choices in the situation....you are prone to repeat. And you are still living the lie.
The reality is that I don't know whether or not someone speaking up would have made a difference. After the fact several friends and family let me know that they were wondering what I was thinking and they were worried. Not one person said anything to me. It might not have mattered. It might have made me mad. It might have made me stop and think. I do not blame anyone. Not any of them. Not me and not even him. I see only the ramifications of our choices and why we need to so openly and honestly live. We need to ask the hard questions. We need to say things that aren't easy to say. We need to sometimes err on the side of hurt feelings to get to the truth. I never want to say 'I told you so'....but I never want to hear someone say 'Why didn't you say anything?'
Domestic abuse happens for a bunch of reasons and it hurts and hinders for a long time. Without Christ in my life to help show me how to forgive and live in freedom...I know I wouldn't be in a good marriage with a man I trust with the deepest, darkest parts of me. It creeps in from time to time....the fear, the worry, the worthlesness...but I know that is not of God and I know to claim those thoughts and give them to Him. I know that it is only by His grace.
Women in abusive relationships should know they can leave. They should be safe. They should put their kids first. They should know they are worth more than what they are getting. But sometimes they don't. And sometimes they can't see how. And sometimes they don't know any different. And it's easy to make it a made for TV movie or expose' on Primetime rather than a real woman living in real fear while searching for real love.
But real love is what she needs. The redemptive, powerful, forgiving, never ending well of love that Christ can offer and we as the body can show her.
We are salt and light. Where do we stand in the gap?
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow.
That's what I got today.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Starting with Poverty
Somewhere in the middle of right and left, pro and anti, stand for and stand against....we've lost what matters.
It's human nature really.
We are so prone to wander.
What if for a moment we decided that whatever the cost we were going to find commonalities and build upon them?
What if for a moment conservative didn't mean evil and liberal didn't mean idiot?
What if we remembered, especially those of us who claim to be believers, that politicians are doing a job and are simply human beings. Many of them, republican and democratic, will lie sometime while in office and many of them will not have set out to do so. They can not "save" a community. Their policies and bills and laws (which incidentally really aren't "theirs") can not "fix" all of the issues at hand.
There are social concerns that have been social concerns since the beginning of time.
Poverty. Abuse. Racism. Crime. Greed. Homelessness.
It has not mattered who was in office. These things remain. How they are, or if they are dealt with, might change and other matters might emerge more prevalent...but they are some standard things that as a society we've had to contend with. What are we doing about them? How do they change?
I've been chewing on this for quite some time and finally feel that I can adequately share my thoughts about it. Personally, I think we do a lot of hiding behind our political party and agenda and standing on our soap boxes of what "others" are really like when we don't know the first thing about those "others" because we have our opinions based on some news broadcast, or media hype or our special situation which we've somehow decided is the average American experience.
Blech.
Where are our values? Just gonna break it down. Poverty.
Do we really want to see poverty stamped out of our society or do we just want to make sure that OUR family doesn't fall below the poverty level? Do we care that there are children in our communities that go to bed without food? Or do we think since there is a foodshare program (cuz "foodstamps" in a booklet how many of you think of them do not exist anymore.) and "those" people get them then there is no reason for any child to be hungry? Are we entering into the lives of "poor" people or do we just see them as a great 'cause'? Do we realize that in order to recieve cash assistance, which is W-2 (there is no more welfare that ended in 1995) that participants are engaged in 30-40 hours of activity for a payment of $653 per month? There is no financial increase for more children. There is a time limit of 24 months. And there are many regions/counties where as long as you have your GED they will not consider you eligible for this placement. That means they might be able to sign up for W-2 but they will not recieve any cash payment at all. If someone has medical or mental health issues or medical issues with a child and has legitimate reasons why they can't participate in activities, then the payment is $608 per month. There is a time limit of 24 months for this placement as well.
If you are over a certain age education doesn't have to be allowed as an activity at all. Don't see the issue? You might be a 27 year old young woman who dropped out of school because you had a child very young and now two more children later are working to get your life back on track. $653 won't sustain you and can't for long anyway. But because of how old you are....you might not be allowed to obtain your GED as part of your hours of activity because your hours of activity should help you become "job ready". Wouldn't obtaining a GED help make a 27 year old with 3 children and limited work history job ready?
I share all of this for this main reason. If much of what I wrote you had no clue about...you had never heard that before....you have never experienced it firsthand....then please stop blah blah blah'ing about women who spend their lives on welfare-who have more kids to get more money and who need to just go and get a job!!!
Because you know not of which you speak and you are doing more damage than good.
Here's what I am beginning to feel unfortunately.
The majority of us. Don't really care.
Oh we care in the sense that we want poor people to just stop being poor. I mean, we are the land of opportunity aren't we? "Our" people pulled themselves up from the bootstraps didn't they? People are poor because they choose to be...or they are addicts....or they are criminals. We care in the way that we get disgusted when it hinders us in some way. We care so long as "they" don't infringe on our daily activites.
But we don't care in a way that breaks our hearts. We don't care like Jesus cared. We claim to desire to be like Him. But too often, we really don't want to. Because if we did...man, that's sloppy and messy and hard and sometimes irritating. Unsettling and costly. But right. And good. And just.
Personally think it's a cop out to say, "Well I don't know how to get involved?"
You can find the most obscure little restaurant in the most obscure little European town to visit on your vacation...but you can't figure out how to fight poverty? You can network how to get a huge discount at a store...but you can't fgure out how to fght poverty?
B.S. Sorry if that is offensive to any of you. But really. B.S.
Next year. Is too late.
Next month. Is too late.
Next week. Is too late.
It's time now.
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow.
That's what I got today.
It's human nature really.
We are so prone to wander.
What if for a moment we decided that whatever the cost we were going to find commonalities and build upon them?
What if for a moment conservative didn't mean evil and liberal didn't mean idiot?
What if we remembered, especially those of us who claim to be believers, that politicians are doing a job and are simply human beings. Many of them, republican and democratic, will lie sometime while in office and many of them will not have set out to do so. They can not "save" a community. Their policies and bills and laws (which incidentally really aren't "theirs") can not "fix" all of the issues at hand.
There are social concerns that have been social concerns since the beginning of time.
Poverty. Abuse. Racism. Crime. Greed. Homelessness.
It has not mattered who was in office. These things remain. How they are, or if they are dealt with, might change and other matters might emerge more prevalent...but they are some standard things that as a society we've had to contend with. What are we doing about them? How do they change?
I've been chewing on this for quite some time and finally feel that I can adequately share my thoughts about it. Personally, I think we do a lot of hiding behind our political party and agenda and standing on our soap boxes of what "others" are really like when we don't know the first thing about those "others" because we have our opinions based on some news broadcast, or media hype or our special situation which we've somehow decided is the average American experience.
Blech.
Where are our values? Just gonna break it down. Poverty.
Do we really want to see poverty stamped out of our society or do we just want to make sure that OUR family doesn't fall below the poverty level? Do we care that there are children in our communities that go to bed without food? Or do we think since there is a foodshare program (cuz "foodstamps" in a booklet how many of you think of them do not exist anymore.) and "those" people get them then there is no reason for any child to be hungry? Are we entering into the lives of "poor" people or do we just see them as a great 'cause'? Do we realize that in order to recieve cash assistance, which is W-2 (there is no more welfare that ended in 1995) that participants are engaged in 30-40 hours of activity for a payment of $653 per month? There is no financial increase for more children. There is a time limit of 24 months. And there are many regions/counties where as long as you have your GED they will not consider you eligible for this placement. That means they might be able to sign up for W-2 but they will not recieve any cash payment at all. If someone has medical or mental health issues or medical issues with a child and has legitimate reasons why they can't participate in activities, then the payment is $608 per month. There is a time limit of 24 months for this placement as well.
If you are over a certain age education doesn't have to be allowed as an activity at all. Don't see the issue? You might be a 27 year old young woman who dropped out of school because you had a child very young and now two more children later are working to get your life back on track. $653 won't sustain you and can't for long anyway. But because of how old you are....you might not be allowed to obtain your GED as part of your hours of activity because your hours of activity should help you become "job ready". Wouldn't obtaining a GED help make a 27 year old with 3 children and limited work history job ready?
I share all of this for this main reason. If much of what I wrote you had no clue about...you had never heard that before....you have never experienced it firsthand....then please stop blah blah blah'ing about women who spend their lives on welfare-who have more kids to get more money and who need to just go and get a job!!!
Because you know not of which you speak and you are doing more damage than good.
Here's what I am beginning to feel unfortunately.
The majority of us. Don't really care.
Oh we care in the sense that we want poor people to just stop being poor. I mean, we are the land of opportunity aren't we? "Our" people pulled themselves up from the bootstraps didn't they? People are poor because they choose to be...or they are addicts....or they are criminals. We care in the way that we get disgusted when it hinders us in some way. We care so long as "they" don't infringe on our daily activites.
But we don't care in a way that breaks our hearts. We don't care like Jesus cared. We claim to desire to be like Him. But too often, we really don't want to. Because if we did...man, that's sloppy and messy and hard and sometimes irritating. Unsettling and costly. But right. And good. And just.
Personally think it's a cop out to say, "Well I don't know how to get involved?"
You can find the most obscure little restaurant in the most obscure little European town to visit on your vacation...but you can't figure out how to fight poverty? You can network how to get a huge discount at a store...but you can't fgure out how to fght poverty?
B.S. Sorry if that is offensive to any of you. But really. B.S.
Next year. Is too late.
Next month. Is too late.
Next week. Is too late.
It's time now.
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow.
That's what I got today.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Isaiah the birthday boy...
The Story of Isaiah
So once upon a time God gave us a sweet lil boy who was the apple of our eyes. He slept through the night from the day he came home from the hospital. He loved to snuggle and he almost never cried. He was the kind of baby that had a smile for everyone and learned quickly. He was very aware of his surroundings.
Isaiah has always enjoyed the time he gets to spend with his dad. (his grandfathers as well) I see so much of Marlon in Isaiah. He watches him, he strives to be like him, he is eager to make him proud. I love watching them together and watching Marlon teach him to be a man.
This young man is and always has been a hard worker and disciplined. Even at age 10, when a coach told him that the team should be runnng 2 miles a day for soccer...he ran 2 miles a day. Schoolwork, diet, sports...he sets goals and when he achieves them he sets new ones. It is so inspiring to watch him.
His story continues to be written and I'm so thankful to be a part of it.
To God be the glory.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Lessons learned...
What if the lessons we taught our children we followed ourselves? How different would things be?
Don't call other people names. I mean really....how many grown folks do we know that refer to other's in negative ways? Too many. How many times do we do it? Especially if they don't agree with us? Especially if we don't approve of their behavior.
Use your manners. When's the last time you let someone have the parking space you'd been eyeing up? Or held open a door for someone. Is please a part of your normal vocabulary? Really thanked a cashier or bagger or waitress? Not in a habit kind of way, but making eye contact and acknowleding their presence?
Don't be a follower. Be a leader. We don't have to do what everyone else is doing. We don't have to be "yes men". We can use our minds and experiences to form our own opinions. If someone is heading down a dark path we can go a different way. We can speak our minds. We can stand up for ourselves and what is right.
Show respect. Even if people disagree...even if they don't use their manners...even if they don't show respect....we can. We might not respect someone's actions or choice...but as a human being we can show them respect. We can respect property. We can respect rules. We can respect authority. There are so many instances where we just don't show respect. Can't park there? Then don't park there. Someone asks you to turn down your music? Turn it down. Someone older than you need a seat? Stand up and make your kids stand up too.
Share. We do miserably at this. Time, energy, skills, money, resources, stuff. We are a very selfish society. We might not mind giving...but often only if it doesn't put us out or cost us anything. Here's something that might make you stop and think. Giving away your extra or leftovers is nice...but it's not sharing. By definition alone. Dividing and distributing what you have? That's sharing.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. I mean really, need I say more?
Say you're sorry. If we hurt other people...we need to apologize. Not in a hasty way..that often shows we don't really mean it and we just want them to stop being a baby. But in a truly heartfelt and kind way, acknowledging that we messed up.
Forgive. We must forgive. It will eat us up inside if we don't. The bitterness of unforgiveness will rear it's ugly head in so many ways. Our hearts will harden and we can even become jaded and super sensitive. We are forgiven by an amazing God so we must extend that forgiveness out to others.
Such simple lessons. We expect our children to adhere to many of them. Are we?
That's what I got today.
Don't call other people names. I mean really....how many grown folks do we know that refer to other's in negative ways? Too many. How many times do we do it? Especially if they don't agree with us? Especially if we don't approve of their behavior.
Use your manners. When's the last time you let someone have the parking space you'd been eyeing up? Or held open a door for someone. Is please a part of your normal vocabulary? Really thanked a cashier or bagger or waitress? Not in a habit kind of way, but making eye contact and acknowleding their presence?
Don't be a follower. Be a leader. We don't have to do what everyone else is doing. We don't have to be "yes men". We can use our minds and experiences to form our own opinions. If someone is heading down a dark path we can go a different way. We can speak our minds. We can stand up for ourselves and what is right.
Show respect. Even if people disagree...even if they don't use their manners...even if they don't show respect....we can. We might not respect someone's actions or choice...but as a human being we can show them respect. We can respect property. We can respect rules. We can respect authority. There are so many instances where we just don't show respect. Can't park there? Then don't park there. Someone asks you to turn down your music? Turn it down. Someone older than you need a seat? Stand up and make your kids stand up too.
Share. We do miserably at this. Time, energy, skills, money, resources, stuff. We are a very selfish society. We might not mind giving...but often only if it doesn't put us out or cost us anything. Here's something that might make you stop and think. Giving away your extra or leftovers is nice...but it's not sharing. By definition alone. Dividing and distributing what you have? That's sharing.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. I mean really, need I say more?
Say you're sorry. If we hurt other people...we need to apologize. Not in a hasty way..that often shows we don't really mean it and we just want them to stop being a baby. But in a truly heartfelt and kind way, acknowledging that we messed up.
Forgive. We must forgive. It will eat us up inside if we don't. The bitterness of unforgiveness will rear it's ugly head in so many ways. Our hearts will harden and we can even become jaded and super sensitive. We are forgiven by an amazing God so we must extend that forgiveness out to others.
Such simple lessons. We expect our children to adhere to many of them. Are we?
That's what I got today.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
the mystery of ministry...
'We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God....the leadership about which Jesus speaks is of a radically different kind from the leadership offered by the world. It is a servant leadership in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader.'
In the Name of Jesus by Henri J. M. Nouwen
Reading this today struck such a chord with me. I can look into my ministry over the years and see times when I almost drank the kool-aid. When I almost began to believe own hype. I didn't even realize it or see it coming. It's the carefully crafted way that Satan sneaks in on us. It scared me.
I love Jesus.
He has changed everything about my life. Drawing close to God and striving daily to walk in obedience to His ways continues to mold me and chisel away at my sinful self. The freedom with which I am able to express that love is only because of Holy Spirit power.
But I will never "arrive" while I am here on earth.
I will never have the right formula for ministry.
I will never reach a target group.
I will never be able to determine the most effective ways to bring people to God.
I will never be able to "set the stage" for hearts to be convicted.
Because I, quite honestly, have very little to do with any of it.
I am sinful. I am broken. I am vulnerable.
I am limited.
He is not.
He is sinless. He is whole. He is authority.
He is limitless.
I do not have all the answers and I do not need to. He is the answer.
There is no benchmark or goal for ministry.
The only thing I am concerned with is loving and feeding the sheep.
He heals.
He convicts.
He protects.
He delivers.
He saves.
I just pray that I am able to get myself out of the way so that He can use me as He sees fit. Some days I do that well. Some days...not so much.
All I can do is love Him and then share that love with others. It is the greatest joy of my life. I am so grateful.
That's what I got today.
In the Name of Jesus by Henri J. M. Nouwen
Reading this today struck such a chord with me. I can look into my ministry over the years and see times when I almost drank the kool-aid. When I almost began to believe own hype. I didn't even realize it or see it coming. It's the carefully crafted way that Satan sneaks in on us. It scared me.
I love Jesus.
He has changed everything about my life. Drawing close to God and striving daily to walk in obedience to His ways continues to mold me and chisel away at my sinful self. The freedom with which I am able to express that love is only because of Holy Spirit power.
But I will never "arrive" while I am here on earth.
I will never have the right formula for ministry.
I will never reach a target group.
I will never be able to determine the most effective ways to bring people to God.
I will never be able to "set the stage" for hearts to be convicted.
Because I, quite honestly, have very little to do with any of it.
I am sinful. I am broken. I am vulnerable.
I am limited.
He is not.
He is sinless. He is whole. He is authority.
He is limitless.
I do not have all the answers and I do not need to. He is the answer.
There is no benchmark or goal for ministry.
The only thing I am concerned with is loving and feeding the sheep.
He heals.
He convicts.
He protects.
He delivers.
He saves.
I just pray that I am able to get myself out of the way so that He can use me as He sees fit. Some days I do that well. Some days...not so much.
All I can do is love Him and then share that love with others. It is the greatest joy of my life. I am so grateful.
That's what I got today.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Some people who are homeless...
Some people who are homeless...have jobs.
Some people who are homeless...do not have jobs but they pound the pavement looking for work.
Some people who are homeless...have never had a job before and are scared to enter the workforce.
Some people who are homeless...have college degrees.
Some people who are homeless...did not graduate from high school and would like to now, but it can be difficult as an adult to return to school and juggle responsibilities.
Some people who are homeless...do not see education as something that can benefit them, often because it is not viewed as obtainable.
Some people who are homeless...have supportive families who are just not in a place to give them a long term place to stay.
Some people who are homeless...have family that would open up their homes but it's not a healthy environment and so they don't want to expose their children to that.
Some people who are homeless...do not have any family.
Some people who are homeless...have hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have bought into Satan's (and unfortunately often our societies) lies that they are not worth having hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have given up on hopes and dreams and goals because life just never seems to go their way and they are discouraged.
Some people who are homeless...have never done drugs and do not have addictions.
Some people who are homeless...have used drugs or are using drugs but have desire to quit.
Some people who are homeless...have become addicted and aren't sure if they even could quit.
Some people who are homeless...are white, brown, black, male, female, young, old, single, have children, are married, ARE children.
I can't express to you my deep sadness when I read ignorant statements on facebook and made in casual conversation regarding people who are homeless. The most recent one was posed as a political joke. It actually hurt my heart to read it. And it hurt it worse that people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ liked this comment.
We need to do better.
That's what I got today.
Some people who are homeless...do not have jobs but they pound the pavement looking for work.
Some people who are homeless...have never had a job before and are scared to enter the workforce.
Some people who are homeless...have college degrees.
Some people who are homeless...did not graduate from high school and would like to now, but it can be difficult as an adult to return to school and juggle responsibilities.
Some people who are homeless...do not see education as something that can benefit them, often because it is not viewed as obtainable.
Some people who are homeless...have supportive families who are just not in a place to give them a long term place to stay.
Some people who are homeless...have family that would open up their homes but it's not a healthy environment and so they don't want to expose their children to that.
Some people who are homeless...do not have any family.
Some people who are homeless...have hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have bought into Satan's (and unfortunately often our societies) lies that they are not worth having hopes and dreams and goals.
Some people who are homeless...have given up on hopes and dreams and goals because life just never seems to go their way and they are discouraged.
Some people who are homeless...have never done drugs and do not have addictions.
Some people who are homeless...have used drugs or are using drugs but have desire to quit.
Some people who are homeless...have become addicted and aren't sure if they even could quit.
Some people who are homeless...are white, brown, black, male, female, young, old, single, have children, are married, ARE children.
I can't express to you my deep sadness when I read ignorant statements on facebook and made in casual conversation regarding people who are homeless. The most recent one was posed as a political joke. It actually hurt my heart to read it. And it hurt it worse that people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ liked this comment.
We need to do better.
That's what I got today.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
My mind wanders...
My head is full of random wanderings tonight. A little all over the place. When I get like this I know it's best to get them all down and then flush them out later.
1. I always hope, even in the weary times of anguish, that I am able to convey to my children how much they mean to me. I never want them to doubt that. They inspire me to live obedient to God's call on my life. They bring me incredible joy and laughter! They encourage me and challenge me...they shower me with love and affection. I want to reciprocate in outstanding ways...not so they think I'm "cool" or their "friend" but so they learn and know that what we say and do matters and they learn to be about something and stand up for truth and love!! It does matter what you say and how you respond. It does matter how you treat others and that you forgive. It does matter that you remember your integrity. May I always strive to show them through my own actions and struggles versus telling them. May I live a life worthy of emulating...not because of me but because of Christ in me!
2. My husband never ceases to amaze me. He is famous for silly cards that make me laugh out loud. Somehow he always finds the perfect one. I've been in a sensitive place recently...and when I opened my Mother's Day card from him today...it brought tears to my eyes that he knows me so well. It was a beautifully sweet card with a super sentimental message that again was the perfect one. Shame on me for ever doubting his devotion and love to me and our life, for the times that I have allowed Satan to get in my head and twist my thoughts and place motive where there was none. I am grateful for a man who is not perfect and doesn't expect me to be.
3. I can not adequately express what having Jesus in my life means to me. I am so broken and weak...I have sinful desires and evil thoughts...I do not always choose the high road. Allowing myself to die to myself and choose to live in obedience is a freedom that I do not know what I would do without. The idea that He chose to lay down His life for me? To give up everything for a sheep that's prone to wander? It blows my mind. He is always there and He never fails. At the deepest and darkest moments in my life-He is there. I never face things alone and when I feel like I am alone then it is simply because I am not tapped into my power source. It is because I am choosing to be a baby and throw a tantrum and pity party. I do this much more than I wish I did. I can't stop seeking Him. Can't stop following fast after Him because when I do...everything falls apart. I want to encourage others to stay in their Word. To stop proclaiming to be a believer in Christ when they do not desire to live obediently to His word.
4. I do not understad why people who say they are believers post such angry, hateful things on websites like facebook/twitter/etc. Jesus's message is clear. Love. Love the Lord and love others. It is especially distressing when it's not an opinion about a situation they experienced or a person they know...but a blanket statement about people who are liberal, or republican, or homosexual, or homeless, or a teen mom, or an illegal immigrant...why? How is that bringing glory to the Kingdom? How is that representing Christ well? I try to use all of those statements and idealogies to cement my deep desire to give Him everything and allow Him to transform my heart and soul to match His. I pray that I continue to learn and re-learn that I need to always return to love and allow that to rule my life and pattern my behavior.
5. When you see the world with a broken heart...everything changes.
6. Being a Christian does not equal republican. Being a minority does not equal democratic.
7. I have been gone from Elmbrook for 6 months this Friday. I continue to be amazed at how God released me from there, just as smoothly as He brought me there. Sometimes I want to cry when I think of just how He worked every little detail. I struggled greatly to remain obedient to His leading and His timing. My dear friend was right. You will have treasured sweet memories and anything else will fade away.
8. Can't do anything but praise His name. Man God is good.
1. I always hope, even in the weary times of anguish, that I am able to convey to my children how much they mean to me. I never want them to doubt that. They inspire me to live obedient to God's call on my life. They bring me incredible joy and laughter! They encourage me and challenge me...they shower me with love and affection. I want to reciprocate in outstanding ways...not so they think I'm "cool" or their "friend" but so they learn and know that what we say and do matters and they learn to be about something and stand up for truth and love!! It does matter what you say and how you respond. It does matter how you treat others and that you forgive. It does matter that you remember your integrity. May I always strive to show them through my own actions and struggles versus telling them. May I live a life worthy of emulating...not because of me but because of Christ in me!
2. My husband never ceases to amaze me. He is famous for silly cards that make me laugh out loud. Somehow he always finds the perfect one. I've been in a sensitive place recently...and when I opened my Mother's Day card from him today...it brought tears to my eyes that he knows me so well. It was a beautifully sweet card with a super sentimental message that again was the perfect one. Shame on me for ever doubting his devotion and love to me and our life, for the times that I have allowed Satan to get in my head and twist my thoughts and place motive where there was none. I am grateful for a man who is not perfect and doesn't expect me to be.
3. I can not adequately express what having Jesus in my life means to me. I am so broken and weak...I have sinful desires and evil thoughts...I do not always choose the high road. Allowing myself to die to myself and choose to live in obedience is a freedom that I do not know what I would do without. The idea that He chose to lay down His life for me? To give up everything for a sheep that's prone to wander? It blows my mind. He is always there and He never fails. At the deepest and darkest moments in my life-He is there. I never face things alone and when I feel like I am alone then it is simply because I am not tapped into my power source. It is because I am choosing to be a baby and throw a tantrum and pity party. I do this much more than I wish I did. I can't stop seeking Him. Can't stop following fast after Him because when I do...everything falls apart. I want to encourage others to stay in their Word. To stop proclaiming to be a believer in Christ when they do not desire to live obediently to His word.
4. I do not understad why people who say they are believers post such angry, hateful things on websites like facebook/twitter/etc. Jesus's message is clear. Love. Love the Lord and love others. It is especially distressing when it's not an opinion about a situation they experienced or a person they know...but a blanket statement about people who are liberal, or republican, or homosexual, or homeless, or a teen mom, or an illegal immigrant...why? How is that bringing glory to the Kingdom? How is that representing Christ well? I try to use all of those statements and idealogies to cement my deep desire to give Him everything and allow Him to transform my heart and soul to match His. I pray that I continue to learn and re-learn that I need to always return to love and allow that to rule my life and pattern my behavior.
5. When you see the world with a broken heart...everything changes.
6. Being a Christian does not equal republican. Being a minority does not equal democratic.
7. I have been gone from Elmbrook for 6 months this Friday. I continue to be amazed at how God released me from there, just as smoothly as He brought me there. Sometimes I want to cry when I think of just how He worked every little detail. I struggled greatly to remain obedient to His leading and His timing. My dear friend was right. You will have treasured sweet memories and anything else will fade away.
8. Can't do anything but praise His name. Man God is good.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
More than a J.O.B.
I love my job so much. Sometimes I am still floored at how God orchestrated the last year of my life. It was just about a year ago that I agreed to stay in my position at Elmbrook with some minor changes. I let them know at that time that I had to be totally honest and I couldn't commit to more than a year, maybe even only 6 months because I felt like God was calling me to use my gifts in a different way and I wasn't sure what that meant. Who could've known other than Him what the year was going to hold for me?
Today was one of those days at work that I just can't stop praising Him for His provision, His faithfulness, His love. I was brought to tears more than once today for different reasons...from laughter, from pain, from joy, from heartache.
Today I had the privilege of praying over one of our ladies and her children with my co-workers when she received hard news.
Today I had the privilege of teaching a resume writing class which really somehow became a movtivational class encouraging ladies to never give up, to never give in and to never settle.
Today I had the privilege of working on budgeting with a mom who is getting back on her feet.
Today I had the privilege of worshipping at the top of my lungs in my office with the windows and door open to bless the area where I work and the ladies that live there.
Today I had the privilege to hug someone who needed it.
Today I got to pray over the phone with one of my clients who was having a hard day.
I get tired. There are days I am not sure that I am equipped with the patience and devotion, strength and knowledge, love and mercy needed for the day.
But I don't need to worry. Because He is all of those things and with Holy Spirit power I can tackle my day. And when I am weary...my ladies and my coworkers remind me of who is in charge and I am covered with a peace that transcends all understanding.
Several years ago at a Kids Kamp, this was the key verse
Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
It was so impactful to me that week. I love how the Word is alive and so it is new to us and applies in differernt ways at different times. Because those same words have been so sustaining to me.
Life is so much more than we could ever think it is.
And yet it is so amazingly simple.
Love.
Love Him.
Love others.
I can't remember a time when I've been more aware of those two things and my intense deep need to be obedient to them. Man, He does good stuff.
That's what I got today.
Today was one of those days at work that I just can't stop praising Him for His provision, His faithfulness, His love. I was brought to tears more than once today for different reasons...from laughter, from pain, from joy, from heartache.
Today I had the privilege of praying over one of our ladies and her children with my co-workers when she received hard news.
Today I had the privilege of teaching a resume writing class which really somehow became a movtivational class encouraging ladies to never give up, to never give in and to never settle.
Today I had the privilege of working on budgeting with a mom who is getting back on her feet.
Today I had the privilege of worshipping at the top of my lungs in my office with the windows and door open to bless the area where I work and the ladies that live there.
Today I had the privilege to hug someone who needed it.
Today I got to pray over the phone with one of my clients who was having a hard day.
I get tired. There are days I am not sure that I am equipped with the patience and devotion, strength and knowledge, love and mercy needed for the day.
But I don't need to worry. Because He is all of those things and with Holy Spirit power I can tackle my day. And when I am weary...my ladies and my coworkers remind me of who is in charge and I am covered with a peace that transcends all understanding.
Several years ago at a Kids Kamp, this was the key verse
Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
It was so impactful to me that week. I love how the Word is alive and so it is new to us and applies in differernt ways at different times. Because those same words have been so sustaining to me.
Life is so much more than we could ever think it is.
And yet it is so amazingly simple.
Love.
Love Him.
Love others.
I can't remember a time when I've been more aware of those two things and my intense deep need to be obedient to them. Man, He does good stuff.
That's what I got today.
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