I hope that anyone reading my blog has realized through my posts that I certainly do not think I have the answers...at best, I somehow always seem to ask more questions!! Being inquisitive by nature and a learner by choice, I often find myself viewing life differently than many around me. Not better or worse...but different. And I know that my heritage, my crazy life before Christ, my raw way of seeing things can bring a different perspective than many. So. I share.
Abuse.
You could talk about abuse for days, weeks, months on end and still never put a dent into fully understanding the ramifications it has on an individual. There are so many kinds of abuse and so many individuals who have experienced some kind of abuse...I am one of them.
I certainly didn't set out to be in an abusive relationship. In fact, if anyone had told me prior to that relationship that I would be I would have laughed. I certainly wasn't "that" woman. That woman that is so dumb, so blind, so naive to what's really going on. But I was.
I actually didn't have a lot of relationship experience. A couple of very short, very high school relationships which weren't very "real" and then Jordyn's father. We were together quite some time, obviously very intimate and he had proposed. That was the depth of my knowledge when I first met this man.
Too clingy. Too nosy. Too demanding. Moving too quickly. I was only 20 and just out of a 2 year relationship I wasn't ready for full blown "wifey" status. We'll call him
Fred. I was able to cut my ties quickly because I moved to Whitewater, had my daughter and school to think about and wasn't ready. Whew.
What followed were several years of mass chaos and destructive behaviors with men. It aches my heart to know what I chose to be a part of and the negative that still at times affects me today. I share that simply to say that I believe it played a part of what led me to return to him. And also to acknowledge the amazing power of redemption.
As I slowly began to realize that being an 'around the way filet' might not be for me and certainly wasn't going to lead to anything meaningful Fred began to pop back up. Because I still went out in the same circles quite honestly he was always still there...I just didn't see him. But he began to pursue me. And because it was what I thought I was looking for at the time...I allowed myself to be pursued.
Our relationship moved quickly. And honestly, painfully. From the beginning there was emotional abuse. Withholding affection. Belittling. Name calling. But there were also some good times so you overlook. And you make excuses. And you choose to be blind. After all he wasn't physically abusing me.
That 'honeymoon' phase you read about...it's real. And so we got engaged. I know. Can't explain other than to say living a lie is very hard to come out of.
The first time he put his hands on me we were arguing over something. I can't even remember what. But whatever I said made him so mad that he grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed me into the kitchen wall. So hard that my shoulder blades left holes in it. I got so scared and angry myself that I began to grab his face and scratch him. So bad that I knicked his eye. This of course caused great drama at how angry and abusive I was that I would mark him and led to me apologizing over and over. The decision was made to get help.
That never got to happen before the second time. The second time is hard to write about even now. It began leaving a party celebrating my dance team's opening night of our show. It ended with me being unconscious in a lot next to our parking lot with him on top of me trying to revive me and the police arriving after a neighbor called them.
I never went back. After the hospital. The police station. My parent's fear. I couldn't. And I slowly began to come out of the fog.
Here's the piece I think that can make cycles. If you don't own up to your own part of the experience (now I'm not talking about child abuse where a child does not have control over the situation) and your choices in the situation....you are prone to repeat. And you are still living the lie.
The reality is that I don't know whether or not someone speaking up would have made a difference. After the fact several friends and family let me know that they were wondering what I was thinking and they were worried. Not one person said anything to me. It might not have mattered. It might have made me mad. It might have made me stop and think. I do not blame anyone. Not any of them. Not me and not even him. I see only the ramifications of our choices and why we need to so openly and honestly live. We need to ask the hard questions. We need to say things that aren't easy to say. We need to sometimes err on the side of hurt feelings to get to the truth. I never want to say 'I told you so'....but I never want to hear someone say 'Why didn't you say anything?'
Domestic abuse happens for a bunch of reasons and it hurts and hinders for a long time. Without Christ in my life to help show me how to forgive and live in freedom...I know I wouldn't be in a good marriage with a man I trust with the deepest, darkest parts of me. It creeps in from time to time....the fear, the worry, the worthlesness...but I know that is not of God and I know to claim those thoughts and give them to Him. I know that it is only by His grace.
Women in abusive relationships should know they can leave. They should be safe. They should put their kids first. They should know they are worth more than what they are getting. But sometimes they don't. And sometimes they can't see how. And sometimes they don't know any different. And it's easy to make it a made for TV movie or expose' on Primetime rather than a real woman living in real fear while searching for real love.
But real love is what she needs. The redemptive, powerful, forgiving, never ending well of love that Christ can offer and we as the body can show her.
We are salt and light. Where do we stand in the gap?
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow.
That's what I got today.
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