I've written a dozen blogs in the last month.
Some too dark to share
Some too sad to bear
Most too harsh to let other see
But each representing the ugly inside of me.
I'm tired of hate
but I fear it in me
The good, bad and ugly
That isn't ceasing to be
Because everyday the divide grows
And I find myself feeling
No feels.
Because people are people
But is that really true
Or are the only people that matter
Those that are like you...
And me,
Those like me?
The latina, the mother,
the believer, the wife
The woman tired of #45
The woman who doesn't
want to give away my rights
To my body, my mind,
My heart or my soul
I don't care 'in what name'
You think you've been told
That you can decide for my reproductive rights
You can't.
50 years ago I could not have married my spouse
5 days ago I feared my son could die for
Being black in this day and in this age
Now my great grandpa would be sent back as we make 'merica great
Tomorrow is not promised but if it was
Would I survive?
My uncle, sweet uncle
Full of shine and delight
A life most would not see with value
but disgust
Dismissing and not seeing
his devotion and love
The beauty inside
That would put most to shame
I see my daughter...full of anger and love
Figuring out how to embrace each day
When each day may not embrace her
My sons full of promise and futures quite bright
Yet having to face a world that sees them and fears
What they might do when they do no wrong
My husband so bold and outspoken about
the injustices he's faced and faces each day
Yet scoffed and dismissed for 'rocking the boat'
I love humanity but I hate it the same
I see beauty around me but often through clouds
I cling to growth but I must search for fruit
Some days I am too tired to fight
Too angry to dwell
And too sad to care
I pray to God to show me how
To love those who are hard to love
To love those who know better
To love those who do not love me
To love myself.
Some days success
And others I fail
I fear neither
Any longer
As I forge on
I will fight the good fight
I will bring pain to light
And focus on the sheep in my care
My husband and children
My family, my loves
The women I cherish
The children in the middle
of my sphere...
And continue to face
The good, the bad and the ugly.
I've written a dozen blogs in the last month.
This is what I've got today.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Saturday, February 11, 2017
If Loving You is Wrong....
Last night as I kissed my husband good night...I had tears in my eyes. And wanted to snuggle in his arms just a little longer. And stare at his face more intently.
Last night I was finally able to watch the movie 'Loving'. I didn't get to it in the theatres and was happy to see it on In Demand. (or whatever Direct TV's name is for movie channels) As I knew it would...it wrecked me. Angered me. Saddened me. And filled me with pride and hope.
If you haven't heard of it....Loving is the movie based on the real life story of Richard and Mildred Loving and the pivotal Supreme Court case of Loving vs. Virginia, 1967.
If you haven't heard of that...it is the decision that invalidated laws that prohibited interracial marriage.
Because love won.
At the time 17 states had laws which made interracial marriage illegal. (bonus points if you can guess whether or not the majority of these states were in the north or south)
Illegal.
So Richard and Mildred travelled to Washington DC to wed and returned to their home state of Virginia to build their lives together.
And when they were found out. They were arrested. Thrown in jail. He was bailed out and not allowed to bail her out. Her father had to come to bail her out. They were given the option to avoid jail time ONLY by pleading guilty and agreeing to leave Virginia for 25 years! So they left. Their homes, their families, their friends, his job.
What transpires is hopelessness, a 2nd arrest when they returned to Virginia for the birth of their first child, years of staying away, and finally an accident that sent them back to Virginia. 'I don't care what they do to us' Mildred told Richard.
Then.....a letter written to Robert Kennedy by Mildred asking for help, which leads to the ACLU, which leads to motions and appeals in 1963, which leads to Virginia court of appeals ruling against the Lovings in 1966 which leads to the US Supreme Court decision in 1967.
Unconstitutional. Any race can marry. In any state.
This matters.
Richard and Mildred....the ACLU giving a damn....the Supreme Court being allowed to do what it is designed to do....the ability to look deeper than law and order to the decency of humanity and freedom....
Are the reasons I can kiss my husband good night.
That isn't lost on me. This couple's desire to live their life, their bravery when they perhaps didn't even realize how brave they were being....led to the pivotal decision in 1967 that allowed me in 1998 to marry Marlon.
50 years ago. People. I'm 45. Just 50 years ago it was FINALLY decided that individuals of different races could marry in any state.
That isn't a long time.
And for all of the folks who believed this law was outrageous...there were hundreds, thousands more who were all for it. Guess what....I bet some of those folks are still around. And their kids. And their grandkids.
And for all of the folks desiring the freedom to wed who they would like and live where they would like....there were those wondering, 'why couldn't they just behave and follow the law and live in one of the states where it was already legal' 'why do they have to get married and have kids--rock the boat' or even uglier 'why couldn't they just fall in love with someone like them' And some of both are still around.
So while we can definitely be certain that there has been change....when hate rears it's ugly head....let's not act so brand new that we can't believe it or don't understand where it's coming from. It hasn't birthed itself....it's never died.
There is always a first. To change. To growth. To challenging what has been accepted.
Laws are meant to be challenged. And when they are unconstitutional? They are meant to be changed.
I can't imagine not having the freedom to marry Marlon.
I can't imagine my children being seen as an abomination.
I am grateful to Richard and Mildred and their love. Their story inspires me decades later.
Love vs. Virginia
Love vs. Whoever
Love vs. Whatever
Love vs. Hate
Love wins.
That's what I've got today.
Last night I was finally able to watch the movie 'Loving'. I didn't get to it in the theatres and was happy to see it on In Demand. (or whatever Direct TV's name is for movie channels) As I knew it would...it wrecked me. Angered me. Saddened me. And filled me with pride and hope.
If you haven't heard of it....Loving is the movie based on the real life story of Richard and Mildred Loving and the pivotal Supreme Court case of Loving vs. Virginia, 1967.
If you haven't heard of that...it is the decision that invalidated laws that prohibited interracial marriage.
Because love won.
At the time 17 states had laws which made interracial marriage illegal. (bonus points if you can guess whether or not the majority of these states were in the north or south)
Illegal.
So Richard and Mildred travelled to Washington DC to wed and returned to their home state of Virginia to build their lives together.
And when they were found out. They were arrested. Thrown in jail. He was bailed out and not allowed to bail her out. Her father had to come to bail her out. They were given the option to avoid jail time ONLY by pleading guilty and agreeing to leave Virginia for 25 years! So they left. Their homes, their families, their friends, his job.
What transpires is hopelessness, a 2nd arrest when they returned to Virginia for the birth of their first child, years of staying away, and finally an accident that sent them back to Virginia. 'I don't care what they do to us' Mildred told Richard.
Then.....a letter written to Robert Kennedy by Mildred asking for help, which leads to the ACLU, which leads to motions and appeals in 1963, which leads to Virginia court of appeals ruling against the Lovings in 1966 which leads to the US Supreme Court decision in 1967.
Unconstitutional. Any race can marry. In any state.
This matters.
Richard and Mildred....the ACLU giving a damn....the Supreme Court being allowed to do what it is designed to do....the ability to look deeper than law and order to the decency of humanity and freedom....
Are the reasons I can kiss my husband good night.
That isn't lost on me. This couple's desire to live their life, their bravery when they perhaps didn't even realize how brave they were being....led to the pivotal decision in 1967 that allowed me in 1998 to marry Marlon.
50 years ago. People. I'm 45. Just 50 years ago it was FINALLY decided that individuals of different races could marry in any state.
That isn't a long time.
And for all of the folks who believed this law was outrageous...there were hundreds, thousands more who were all for it. Guess what....I bet some of those folks are still around. And their kids. And their grandkids.
And for all of the folks desiring the freedom to wed who they would like and live where they would like....there were those wondering, 'why couldn't they just behave and follow the law and live in one of the states where it was already legal' 'why do they have to get married and have kids--rock the boat' or even uglier 'why couldn't they just fall in love with someone like them' And some of both are still around.
So while we can definitely be certain that there has been change....when hate rears it's ugly head....let's not act so brand new that we can't believe it or don't understand where it's coming from. It hasn't birthed itself....it's never died.
There is always a first. To change. To growth. To challenging what has been accepted.
Laws are meant to be challenged. And when they are unconstitutional? They are meant to be changed.
I can't imagine not having the freedom to marry Marlon.
I can't imagine my children being seen as an abomination.
I am grateful to Richard and Mildred and their love. Their story inspires me decades later.
Love vs. Virginia
Love vs. Whoever
Love vs. Whatever
Love vs. Hate
Love wins.
That's what I've got today.
Friday, February 10, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes #5
I am STRONGLY opposed to the stupid Muslim Ban, a wall and any process that does not allow individuals--HUMAN BEINGS--the opportunity to live in the United States.
I understand that we have concern for safety and those that might wish to do us harm....but....there is currently not an accessible, reasonable and affordable way for many to come. There is not equitable opportunity and path to citizenship for 'foreigners' from certain countries. That isn't whining or exaggerating. That is true. Feel free to do some research and find out about it. Let's do some leg work with regards to our viewpoints and have educated opinions rooted in reality. I challenge us to know a little bit about the things we so passionately spew about on social media.
Before I get too far here are a few little facts regarding the bad hombres in Mexico. ***I realize there are concerns with many other countries but I'm Mexican...I've been to Mexico (and not just vacay to Cozumel) and I know individuals who are in America illegally. So that's where I'm lingering.***
~For just a VACATION or VISIT to the US...to visit family, to take a trip, for vacation....the cost is between 300-400 American dollars. Per person. Mind you minimum wage in Mexico is approximately 4 American dollars per hour.
~The fee is NON REFUNDABLE. Do you get that? If you don't get approved? You don't get your money back!!
~You can apply online but an in person interview is required along with about 10-15 different kinds of documentation.
~You need to provide proof about why you are going and why you will return,. Sometimes sponsorship is even needed from a group or organization IN THE U.S.!!!
If you didn't know these things....and this is just 4 basic things about one country....imagine what you don't know about immigration, deportation, citizenship. We can't all be experts. But we can easily dig a little if we want to know more than the average person. Or the president. I challenge you to do so if this is something that is important to you. Whether you desire the wall or not....let's try and challenge ourselves to understand as much as we can about this issue. Let's stop running around out of fear and making careless comments that may or may not even be true.
So now I'm going to move onto what I really am struggling with today. And actually have been for many many days. I have been hesistant to write this blog because I do not want to sound angry. But I am a little angry if I'm honest. So.... **shoulder shrug**
Why are so many opposed to immigrants coming to this country? When and how did that happen when supposedly we are a nation of immigrants? You remember....Ellis Island? Actually all the way back to the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Remember there was a whole slew of folks that inhabited this land when "we" arrived. Who the hell is the we anymore anyway?? Like Texas? If we didn't decide we wanted it....actually was Mexico. Mexican Texas?? Never heard of it....yeah they don't teach that a lot in high school history. Look it up. I swear I'm not joking. Please people, let's start to have knowledge and understanding about the things we are passionate about and not just jump on the bandwagon!! This is a challenge to all of us, whichever way your bandwagon is headed.
And spare me the 'I have no problem with foreigners being here if they become a citizen' argument. That point is mute when there is not a reasonable and equitable path to citizenship. That point is mute when we talk about a southern wall...but not a northern wall (there are actually more overstayed visas from Canadians vs Mexicans by the way) and when we cherry pick which countries we've just decided to say no to?
Kind of like.....Don't treat all cops the same! Not all cops are bad! Buuuuttttttt. Totally understand treating all Muslims the same. GTFOH.
Sorry. I digress.
What are we afraid of??
Terrorists? Do you know the kind of crazy we grow right here in the US...Dylan Roof anyone!! Even #45 himself said let's not worry about the murderers in Russia when we have our own here.
Differences? Praise God...not everyone looks like me, eats like me, dresses like me, decorates their house like me, dances like me! This should be celebrated!
Joblessness? Give me a fricken break. Give me the names of 5 people you know who literally lost an actual job they applied for because it was given instead to an undocumented person?
We are selfish. As individuals we are so incredibly selfish. And that selfishness has spilled into the way many want the country run.
We want laws that benefit us. Not the entirety of our nation. Us.
We want tax breaks that benefit us. Not the entirety of our nation. Us.
We want to be 'safe' whatever that means....from 'them'.
We want what's coming to us. And we want it now.
But.
We don't win. Unless we all win.
And we don't grow. Unless we all grow.
A garden doesn't flourish if ALL of it isn't watered, tilled and harvested.
A community doesn't flourish if ALL of it isn't safe, healthy and productive.
The garden? Some vegetables need more loving care. More attention. Some just need an occasional once over. So you give what's needed to each. And in the end...you are so glad to have all of the vegetables represented. What a feast!!
A community? Some folks need more loving care. More attention. Some just need an occasional once over. So why can't we give what's needed to each? In the end....wouldn't it be beautiful to have a feast of everyone represented?
I can't get with a wall.
I can't get with a ban.
I can't get with inhumane laws.
I can't get with inequality.
I can't get with hate.
I need my garden to be filled with all the fruits and all the veggies.
Guess I'm just greedy like that.
That's what I got today.
I understand that we have concern for safety and those that might wish to do us harm....but....there is currently not an accessible, reasonable and affordable way for many to come. There is not equitable opportunity and path to citizenship for 'foreigners' from certain countries. That isn't whining or exaggerating. That is true. Feel free to do some research and find out about it. Let's do some leg work with regards to our viewpoints and have educated opinions rooted in reality. I challenge us to know a little bit about the things we so passionately spew about on social media.
Before I get too far here are a few little facts regarding the bad hombres in Mexico. ***I realize there are concerns with many other countries but I'm Mexican...I've been to Mexico (and not just vacay to Cozumel) and I know individuals who are in America illegally. So that's where I'm lingering.***
~For just a VACATION or VISIT to the US...to visit family, to take a trip, for vacation....the cost is between 300-400 American dollars. Per person. Mind you minimum wage in Mexico is approximately 4 American dollars per hour.
~The fee is NON REFUNDABLE. Do you get that? If you don't get approved? You don't get your money back!!
~You can apply online but an in person interview is required along with about 10-15 different kinds of documentation.
~You need to provide proof about why you are going and why you will return,. Sometimes sponsorship is even needed from a group or organization IN THE U.S.!!!
If you didn't know these things....and this is just 4 basic things about one country....imagine what you don't know about immigration, deportation, citizenship. We can't all be experts. But we can easily dig a little if we want to know more than the average person. Or the president. I challenge you to do so if this is something that is important to you. Whether you desire the wall or not....let's try and challenge ourselves to understand as much as we can about this issue. Let's stop running around out of fear and making careless comments that may or may not even be true.
So now I'm going to move onto what I really am struggling with today. And actually have been for many many days. I have been hesistant to write this blog because I do not want to sound angry. But I am a little angry if I'm honest. So.... **shoulder shrug**
Why are so many opposed to immigrants coming to this country? When and how did that happen when supposedly we are a nation of immigrants? You remember....Ellis Island? Actually all the way back to the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Remember there was a whole slew of folks that inhabited this land when "we" arrived. Who the hell is the we anymore anyway?? Like Texas? If we didn't decide we wanted it....actually was Mexico. Mexican Texas?? Never heard of it....yeah they don't teach that a lot in high school history. Look it up. I swear I'm not joking. Please people, let's start to have knowledge and understanding about the things we are passionate about and not just jump on the bandwagon!! This is a challenge to all of us, whichever way your bandwagon is headed.
And spare me the 'I have no problem with foreigners being here if they become a citizen' argument. That point is mute when there is not a reasonable and equitable path to citizenship. That point is mute when we talk about a southern wall...but not a northern wall (there are actually more overstayed visas from Canadians vs Mexicans by the way) and when we cherry pick which countries we've just decided to say no to?
Kind of like.....Don't treat all cops the same! Not all cops are bad! Buuuuttttttt. Totally understand treating all Muslims the same. GTFOH.
Sorry. I digress.
What are we afraid of??
Terrorists? Do you know the kind of crazy we grow right here in the US...Dylan Roof anyone!! Even #45 himself said let's not worry about the murderers in Russia when we have our own here.
Differences? Praise God...not everyone looks like me, eats like me, dresses like me, decorates their house like me, dances like me! This should be celebrated!
Joblessness? Give me a fricken break. Give me the names of 5 people you know who literally lost an actual job they applied for because it was given instead to an undocumented person?
We are selfish. As individuals we are so incredibly selfish. And that selfishness has spilled into the way many want the country run.
We want laws that benefit us. Not the entirety of our nation. Us.
We want tax breaks that benefit us. Not the entirety of our nation. Us.
We want to be 'safe' whatever that means....from 'them'.
We want what's coming to us. And we want it now.
But.
We don't win. Unless we all win.
And we don't grow. Unless we all grow.
A garden doesn't flourish if ALL of it isn't watered, tilled and harvested.
A community doesn't flourish if ALL of it isn't safe, healthy and productive.
The garden? Some vegetables need more loving care. More attention. Some just need an occasional once over. So you give what's needed to each. And in the end...you are so glad to have all of the vegetables represented. What a feast!!
A community? Some folks need more loving care. More attention. Some just need an occasional once over. So why can't we give what's needed to each? In the end....wouldn't it be beautiful to have a feast of everyone represented?
I can't get with a wall.
I can't get with a ban.
I can't get with inhumane laws.
I can't get with inequality.
I can't get with hate.
I need my garden to be filled with all the fruits and all the veggies.
Guess I'm just greedy like that.
That's what I got today.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes #4
It's been awhile since I've posted because I just haven't been able to put into logical words my complete disgust in #45 and his proxys....as well as people I know and see refusing to admit that any of what he does is deplorable without attempting to point out every policy decision of previous administrations they did not agree with.
Actually. Let me retract that. #45 has been in office less than 3 weeks....so it really hasn't been that long.
I wish I could blog about sunshine and flowers.
About sipping chai tea and chatting with friends.
I wish I could blog about a joke my son told
About light hearted things and laughter.
Those things are occurring of course. Life does continue. My social media reflects that. My friends see that. And they are authentic moments.
But.
When I sit down to write anything meaningful. To take a moment to dig within and bring it out....
I can only seem to express my concern for the state of our people. I can only seem to write about what tortures my soul and tugs at me. Maybe it's my sociology background. I have deep seeded interest in people. In communities and the social structure of our world.
***Disclaimer. I know and believe that Jesus sits on the throne. I know and believe that prayer changes things. However, I do not believe that we are just supposed to sit back and pray and everything will be good. Before you holler at me "All things work together for good!!!' Let me holler back....'to them that love the Lord' oh yeah.... 'And are called according to His purpose'
We could scripture battle all day. Let's not.***
I'm going to say something that will likely be very unpopular with many of my Christian friends.
I need believers to stop equating the republican party with Christianity because of the issue of abortion. And yes, I understand that not all do. But many do. Pro Life as it is currently utilized in our society to make Christians all in for the republican party is a farce. I will give you anti-abortion...but it is most definitely not pro life.
I do not understand how one can be pro life and for the death penalty?? (and 80+% of republicans are for the death penalty by the way. Look it up. It's not an alternative fact.) Is that pro life?
It isn't. It is more pro lives that are believed to matter. So we are pro life for babies...unless that baby grows up to be a murderer...then we are okay with killing him or her? We are pro life for babies...but if that life wasn't born in the good ol USA and wants to come and live here....then we are okay with discarding them like garbage. We are pro life....but if that life isn't afforded the same opportunities in this country because of their color, their choice of religion or who they want to sleep with...then we are okay with abandoning them.
That makes no sense.
Please do not, in an immature and tit for tat way try to imply that I am saying the democratic party is 'right'. Or democratic party is the Christian party. I do not believe that. Do I agree with many...even most of the policies that the democratic party represents? Yes. But not all. I most certainly do not try to make it Jesus's party.
I've heard many say that this is what God ordained. Like that implies #45 was the 'right' choice. Many more imply it even when they say it in a different way.
So what if that is true. But what if it's the fall out that God has allowed because we are a broken mess who has lost our way and our soul....who has forgotten the way and truth of the gospel....who does not value humanity and who idolizes wealth and cares more about self than others? Could not that be true?
Vote how you wish. That's our freedom right? For now anyway (I see dictatorship coming for our country but that's another blog...and don't discount me too quickly...I predicted #45 wayyyy back when he first announced he was running)
But please. Stop equating Jesus and Christianity with being republican.
(PS. if this isn't you....no need to defend yourself. but also, don't try to pretend it isn't some of your friends.)
That's what I got today.
Actually. Let me retract that. #45 has been in office less than 3 weeks....so it really hasn't been that long.
I wish I could blog about sunshine and flowers.
About sipping chai tea and chatting with friends.
I wish I could blog about a joke my son told
About light hearted things and laughter.
Those things are occurring of course. Life does continue. My social media reflects that. My friends see that. And they are authentic moments.
But.
When I sit down to write anything meaningful. To take a moment to dig within and bring it out....
I can only seem to express my concern for the state of our people. I can only seem to write about what tortures my soul and tugs at me. Maybe it's my sociology background. I have deep seeded interest in people. In communities and the social structure of our world.
***Disclaimer. I know and believe that Jesus sits on the throne. I know and believe that prayer changes things. However, I do not believe that we are just supposed to sit back and pray and everything will be good. Before you holler at me "All things work together for good!!!' Let me holler back....'to them that love the Lord' oh yeah.... 'And are called according to His purpose'
We could scripture battle all day. Let's not.***
I'm going to say something that will likely be very unpopular with many of my Christian friends.
I need believers to stop equating the republican party with Christianity because of the issue of abortion. And yes, I understand that not all do. But many do. Pro Life as it is currently utilized in our society to make Christians all in for the republican party is a farce. I will give you anti-abortion...but it is most definitely not pro life.
I do not understand how one can be pro life and for the death penalty?? (and 80+% of republicans are for the death penalty by the way. Look it up. It's not an alternative fact.) Is that pro life?
It isn't. It is more pro lives that are believed to matter. So we are pro life for babies...unless that baby grows up to be a murderer...then we are okay with killing him or her? We are pro life for babies...but if that life wasn't born in the good ol USA and wants to come and live here....then we are okay with discarding them like garbage. We are pro life....but if that life isn't afforded the same opportunities in this country because of their color, their choice of religion or who they want to sleep with...then we are okay with abandoning them.
That makes no sense.
Please do not, in an immature and tit for tat way try to imply that I am saying the democratic party is 'right'. Or democratic party is the Christian party. I do not believe that. Do I agree with many...even most of the policies that the democratic party represents? Yes. But not all. I most certainly do not try to make it Jesus's party.
I've heard many say that this is what God ordained. Like that implies #45 was the 'right' choice. Many more imply it even when they say it in a different way.
So what if that is true. But what if it's the fall out that God has allowed because we are a broken mess who has lost our way and our soul....who has forgotten the way and truth of the gospel....who does not value humanity and who idolizes wealth and cares more about self than others? Could not that be true?
Vote how you wish. That's our freedom right? For now anyway (I see dictatorship coming for our country but that's another blog...and don't discount me too quickly...I predicted #45 wayyyy back when he first announced he was running)
But please. Stop equating Jesus and Christianity with being republican.
(PS. if this isn't you....no need to defend yourself. but also, don't try to pretend it isn't some of your friends.)
That's what I got today.
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