We Kneel

i'm holding onto every fiber of hope i have left

that we can change
that we want to

but i must admit

i see thoughts being written
of being 'woke'
but they're still sleep

the mission ahead
the protest
is not about poverty or city
is not about 'welfare'
or even no daddies

it is about the hatred
that permeates

cuz guess what
people of color have jobs,
they have homes,
they have daddies that love them
and education too

and yet they can still be gunned down
beat bloody
trigger pulled
but nobody pulled it

because they are scary
because they looked like that
because they walked away
because they played in a park
because they helped their client
because they held up their hands
because they could not breathe
because they were not white.

so please
you do not help
thinking you sound so woke
by saying

they kneel

because things in the inner city are rough
and things in their life might be tough

they kneel

because their daddies don't read them books
and their mommies lie, steal and hook

they kneel

because they receive food share and aid
and they can't teach their kids to behave

they kneel.....

because
over and over again they die.

and you're too busy with your hand over your heart

to see
to believe
you percieve
disrespect
and say 'shame on them'
but really 'shame on  you'

as you continue to argue and fight
tsk tsk cuz you're right
i mean why can't they see
really....how bad can it be?

and another man dies
and another cop lies
and another mother cries

and you're too busy with your hand over your heart
while

we kneel.

That's what I got today.

Struggling to Love

Love.


I've been thinking a lot about that word recently.


It's such a popular word really...
Songs tell us all about love


All you need is love...
Love will keep us together...
Can you feel the love tonight...
I will always love you...




It's such a powerful word really...
We tell others about our love for them


Our parents,
Our partner
Our children
Our friends


It's also. Well it's a confusing word.
Because I've been taught to love my enemies.
And right now I feel like there are a lot of enemies out there.
And while it's true that I do not love them...
It's truer yet...that I don't know that I want to.


In the past years...as my own sons have grown up and become black men...I've shared many blogs and social media posts about my fear for them.  This fear likely sky rocketed in 2012 when George Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin.  I remember being so pissed that he wasn't arrested. We hadn't even gotten to the 'not guilty'...I was already heated from the fact that there was even DEBATE about whether or not George should have been arrested?  I lost many Facebook friends during that time. Really it's just continued....and seriously, I can't bring myself to care.


What has continued is an onslaught of people of color not just being gunned down by the police...but nobody giving a damn.  I know there are people that care. Please hear me. I see it around me, I have friends who I love that support my family and me.




But somehow over and over....police officers are not held accountable.
And somehow over and over....people continue to condone this.
And somehow over and over....systematic racism continues to thrive.
And somehow over and over....my distrust of others grows.




I've had a blog....an angry...full of cuss words blog...rattling in my head for days....and I've begun and deleted...begun and deleted.  And I realized all I had today was this.....




Colin takes a knee
And people lose their shit
Please be more like Martin
Well Martin? He got killed.


Stand up you no good n***er
Don't you have respect
No sir not for you
But you can't seem to connect


That the need to bring to light
The dismissive way POC die
Should make us stop and ask
How come you don't care why?


Prisons are full of people of color
In disproportionate numbers
The system is either broken or not for them
Doesn't it make you wonder?


And if not, why?
Why don't you care
Could be it be somewhere deep inside
There's racism living there?


I am threw with conversations
With trying to educate
Folks who do not care to understand
And only try to agitate


Because I have children I love
Who are struggling with those
That come against their well being
That pretend and pose


And I am struggling to love
Everyone I meet
It's hard to stay in my lane
When I only want to flee.


The anthem, the flag, blah blah blah
Are only a smokescreen
Meant to distract
Meant to alarm


So I'm struggling to love my neighbor
I'm struggling to see
Just how am I supposed to do it
When they aren't behaving neighborly?


So my circle is getting smaller
of the people that I trust and believe
But I'm learning to love them deeper
And right now that's all I need.




And that. Is all I got today.

We've Got a Groovy Kind of Love

A glance in a club
And numbers exchanged
Back in the day
That was how it got played

If he called would I answer
Would it go anywhere?
Over 20 years later
The answer is clear but

Love isn't what I thought it was
Fireworks? Oh my
If I waited on those daily
It would be a very very short ride.

It's not always making nice
And it isn't pretending
It doesn't always make sense
But we pray there is no ending

There were children and setbacks
And dreams set aside
There was worry and fear
There can be things we hide.

Sometimes love is buried
Deep down inside us
We struggle to show it
We allow pride to guide

Sometimes love is messy
And sometimes it is broken
Sometimes we neglect it
And forget to stay connected

Sometimes there's forgiveness
For hurts that cut quite deep
Sometimes there's understanding
Even if it seems quite brief

Sometimes you see the other
As they really truly are
The person they're becoming
And who they've left behind

Love is leading
And love is following too
It's rolling up your sleeves
Because there's work to do

It's knowing the truth
Before it is even said
It's allowing the other
To stay our lover and friend.

To have and to hold
Means so much more
20 plus years later
When you've had to endure

Being hurt by the other
Being left all alone
Being forgotten, neglected
Feeling like you can't win.

But you're also rejoicing
As you've bathed in forgiveness
Because you've rebuilt trust
Dealt with unfinished business

And the person across from you
Who's connected to your soul
Will continue to be by your side
As your story unfolds....

That's what I got today.......

I'm Unwritten

So it's been 6 weeks since becoming empty nesters.  I'd spent so much of the past year anxiously anticipating this season of life.


Sometimes excited.
Sometimes exhausted.
Sometimes.  Quite frankly terrified.


I've been excited because, well, it's exciting to see your children becoming adults. It's not even about them doing everything right...but just the simple fact that they are making adult choices with adult consequences.  They are making dreams they talked about for years become reality. When I look back on pictures of my kids....I quite often tear up. There's a special kind of love that fills your heart when you think back on those crazy toddler days of three full throttle boys....or the emotional angst of a pre-teen girl. But I've learned there's also something special about watching them fly.

I've been exhausted because, well, it's exhausting to do all that there is to get to the season of empty nesters. Thinking about it now makes me tired!!  Diapers, Field trips, birthday parties, concerts, chauffeuring, sporting events, sporting events, sporting events, bonus kids moving in, bedrooms moving around, buying dresses for dances, renting tuxes, staying up with sick kids, 5 kids getting their license, 5 kids graduating, 5 kids heading to college, praying, praying, praying. But man....what a season. What an immense privilege.

I've been terrified because, well, it's terrifying to think about Marlon and I as empty nesters....you see, we've never been here. We've never had an empty nest. We had 3 children before we got married....that's an another blog for another day...but the just of it is that we've never been alone. We've never been just a couple.  I've never been just a wife.  And I know we are still parents and that our kids still need us and we still have a close relationship. But as for the day to day of life....THIS has never been. And I can't lie...my anxiety is on 10...because I so don't want to be one of those couples that falls apart because there they realize the kids were the glue and they've grown apart. I'm not trying to sound cryptic or negative.... I'm being honest about my fears. I love this man with all that I have to give....the beautiful broken mess that I am.  And I want to grow old and grey together. (well, the grey has already begun.)

So now that the last of the last has flown the coop....and the excitement, exhaustion and fear have had time to marinate for a bit....what have I learned?

1. I've been reminded how much I enjoy my husband's company. He's currently working 3rd shift and started school for mechanical engineering. He is tired and busy and has much on his plate.  And he is doing all that he can to stay afloat and maintain. So we've tried to carve out time...even if it's just vegging on the couch for an hour. And just sitting there, alone, in each other's presence?  Is important. We've made Friday nights our 'out to eat' night and taken time to try new restaurants and stay out later than we have in a longggggggggg time. I am so looking forward to our 20th anniversary in January when we plan to take a few days away together.

2. I've come to realize just how much I short change myself. I question so many things about myself  as a woman, still so much. I did not question myself as much as a parent because I felt much more confidant in that area of my life.  But at 46. As an educated, professional woman. I still am so insecure. I still doubt my abilities and my skills. I struggle  vanity, self image and inner turmoil. I let my doubts have too much power at times and I forget that I have an arsenal of people who are there to support me.

3. I've been reminded that I enjoy my own company as well. I remember that there would sometimes be an hour here or there....when the house was quiet and everyone was sleep and I could just sit and watch what I wanted and eat what I wanted. Even an occasional weekend where the boys and Marlon might go away for a tournament and I would have moments to myself.  But now there is plenty of time to do that and it doesn't have to be stolen moments.  I can just sit. And read and write. And dream. And be.

4. I've come to understand that I likely will not ever fully stop missing that mommy phase. If I think back to those days....it makes me smile. Marlon and I might bring up a memory and we both will laugh as we reminisce, so cemented in our memories...often seeming just like yesterday. I see littles all around me and my heart just fills as I envision my kids at those ages and joy (and sometimes pain) it was during those stages. It was special and good. I like remembering.

5. I've discovered that I can hold the excitement AND the fear and still embrace each day full of hope and anticipation of good and ready to conquer whatever life throws at us because Marlon is my partner and my friend as well as my husband. And when we get off track....we must get back on.  When we hurt the other....we must forgive.  When we feel defeated....we must remember that the other has our back.  And we can't stop working at our marriage and focusing on the other. We must invest in each other as much as ourselves. And well, quite frankly we need to remember to follow Uncle Jerome's advice to help heal almost all marriage issues at their core. That's prayer and sex by the way. And yes he came right out and told us this. And yes there were other people in the room. Might as well put it all out there.

6. Finally....even though #2 is so very real....on the flip side I am also getting my mojo back. I am excited to invest in myself...to make myself a priority....to focus in on just what I want to spend my time doing for the NEXT 46 years or at least until grandchildren come! What can I do different and better?  I am finding out that the best is yet to come because the next part of my journey really is unwritten (cue Natasha Bedingfield) and that is exciting!! I am hopeful. And I'm ready.







Six weeks. Just the beginning.

That's what I got today.



A Time and a Place

There's a time and a place
Where hopelessness lives
in the deepest of heartache
and the moment of fear.


Fear of a life that is never enough
Fear that your best will not measure up
Anxiety hits and paralyzes but
What is the result of just giving up?


The life that you fear?
Of losing it all?
It becomes your truth
And we accept it cuz


We forget to trust in hope and a future
We flounder around unable to believe that
Our past is the past
And it does not have to define us


We can understand our thoughts and actions
We can choose to stop and turn around
We can decide to write a new story
We can seek to find help when we stray
We can fight to survive another day


There's a time and a place
Where hope can grow
If we give it permission to live.
It will fill us with calm
and a deep sense of peace
If we give it permission to be.




That's what I got today.

Hold My Earrings....

So last night was the North vs.South game. I had a football boy graduate from South in 2014. I sat in those stands for years. Full fledged fan. I had a football boy graduate from North in 2017. I didn't sit in those stands as  many years, but I was full fledged fan when I did.

So last night I decided I would go back and forth between the two sides.

South--I have absolutely no kind words to say about the head coach. But. Izzy's lil bro and our extra son Mason plays for South. So I had to cheer for him.

North--I respect the head coach. But. I'm not really connected to any of the players like I am Mason.

So I wore some Bearcat gear to represent my son's college team and planed to sit back and forth between the stands.

I'm sitting between a bunch of South fans. Some of which I know.  And I'm cheering for Mason. And occasionally small, silent cheers when North does something noteworthy.

There's this athlete on North who is pretty good. Makes a lot of big plays. Last night defensively he made a few right in a row--defending the same player on South. And so his name happened to be said a few times back to back by the announcer. As a result, the North student section began one of high school sports standard chants,

'Whose your daddy!  Whose your daddy!  Whose your daddy!'


Now for those who don't know, this basically, in general terms means, 'He just schooled you, he just put you in your place as a father would. You are his son.'

'Whose your daddy! Whose your daddy! Whose your daddy!'

And a South fan...grown ass man....no clue who he was or how he was connected, called out (not loud enough for everyone--but loud enough for the section around him), 'Does he even know who his daddy is?'  Light laughter from the others, good ol' laugh from him.

Let me add. This player is black.

And without hesistation, because I've decided uncomfortable for others or not, I am no longer letting even the slightest bit of racial stereotype, discrimination, IGNORANCE to be ignored around me, I turned around and said, 'What the hell does that mean?'

To which there was a small giggle.  (ps. It is a pet peeve when grown men giggle, especially when they've just been laughing and gettin their hee-hee on...like a toddler who has been caught misbehaving)

'Seriously, why the fuck would you say that?  Because I know that young man. And you have absolutely no valid reason to say that......do you?  (pause) Or do you?'

To which there was awkward, uncomfortable silence.

'I know any further jack ass comments are gonna make things pretty ugly. I suggest you wait until I move around next quarter.'

To which there was aversion of the eyes.  Seriously?

So. Livid.

Confused as to why so livid? I know some of you will get it. And I know some won't.

Are there POC (people of color) single mothers? Yes.  I am not denying those statistics exist.

However, I do believe those statistics are skewed.

Most racial breakdowns of single mothers are in the following categories: Asian, African American, Hispanic, and non-Hispanic whites. Because actually Hispanic is not noted on most forms as a race to choose. It is an ethnicity to say you are or aren't.

But I digress. Sorry the sociologist in me sometimes can't turn off.

So re-read the categories if you need to.

Did you catch it?  What they did there? Did you?

Someone like me.....who was a single mom....but am white-hispanic....I'm gonna get tossed in the Hispanic category.  But I was also a white single mom.  But I 'boost' the Hispanic category by clicking the Hispanic box.

Why?  Have you thought about why this exists?  Have you cared?  Might it be so we can continue to perpetuate the lie that there are virtually NO black fathers around?  No Hispanic fathers around?Because that statistic is often also the statistic used for fatherless children (which it often is).  But I know many single mothers who did not marry the bio dad, but he is still an engaged and partnership parent with his children.

Also, what about the "minority" kids who have white mommies?  Do those mommies get a pass from the stereotype because of the color of their skin? Do those kids get considered in the category as a minority kid without a dad? Or are they left out of that statistic...and the stereotype because of their white mom?

I can tell you they don't get left out of the discrimination.

Words matter.

And that man....fine, you might try to argue that he might not have even realized how incredibly ignorant and racially charged his comment was.  I am not sure how....but there are still white people who say, 'I don't see color...I don't have a racist bone in my body....I didn't own slaves.' ....but I would be willing to bet money, seriously THOUSANDS of dollars that if that athlete had been white?  THAT is not the comment that fan would have made.

He might have said a hundred other things as a salty fan, but not...

'Does he even know who his daddy is?'

And if you are honest with yourself....in the still space of your heart....where you aren't defensive, justifying and denying....I would also bet that you believe that too.

Don't be afraid of that.  You might be becoming just a little more woke.

That's what I got today.

For me.....

It's funny to me how we are all wired.


I see some who choose not to engage with what is happening in the world around them.
I see some who would prefer to live in a bubble.
I see some who think all we need to do is pray.
I see some who think it's someone else's fault.
I see some who think if we just got rid of _____________ we'd be ok.



Indifferent.
Afraid.
Angry.



People hate the people who hate the people who hate.


Are there clear or blurred lines regarding humanity?
Does freedom of speech trump freedom?
Or living?
Are we offering passes for the 'good guys'
Are we closer to understanding privilege yet?


For me, it does not.
For me, disdain is not hate.
A desire to see equity for ALL people to live
is more important that someone getting to carry a torch.
For me, if you don't see that connection?
Well, then I don't know what to say.


If you were raised with hate, you will likely hate.
If you were raised with fear, you will likely fear.
If you were raised to love, you will likely love.


But
Why do some equate love with doing nothing.
Why do some equate love with "playing nice".
Why do some equate love with looking the other way.
Why do some equate love with pretending to keep the peace.


For me, that is not love.
For me, love is not fear.
A desire to see authentic love that allows others to live
is more important than clinging to 6 verses.
For me, if you can't open your mind or heart,
Well, then I don't know what to say.


I have no desire to 'make' anyone see or understand or grow
I have no desire to debate willful ignorance.
I once social media argued to exhaustion
the truth of Jim Crow and mass incarceration of black men.
With someone who wouldn't watch 13th.
With someone who wouldn't read the New Jim Crow.
With someone who didn't believe statistics.
With someone who thought their high school history book from the 80s was sufficient info.
Looking back...this, to me, was wasted time and energy.
Not because it wasn't true.
But, for me, if a person isn't receptive to grow in understanding.
Then I will no longer force the issue.
I'm cool to love you from afar.
And I do wish you well.


There is so much to learn.
But not everyone wants to be a student.
It is hard to change.
And not everyone wants to be a teacher.


I don't have all the answers.
I have never claimed to.
But I also admit this.
I accept it.
There is much to learn.


We are all wired different.

So I must engage with what is happening in the world around me.
So I cannot live in a bubble.
I do believe we need to pray, but we must ALSO act.
I think it's all of our faults.
I can't imagine life without the _____________ that others want gone.


Sometimes I can't sleep at night.
Sometimes I sleep well.
Sometimes I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Sometimes I stand tall.


And sometimes I write about it, in moments I'm tired of being about it
Because I am weary and human.
And I take a deep breath, roll up my sleeves
Because there is so much work to do.


That's what I got today.