Sometimes excited.
Sometimes exhausted.
Sometimes. Quite frankly terrified.
I've been excited because, well, it's exciting to see your children becoming adults. It's not even about them doing everything right...but just the simple fact that they are making adult choices with adult consequences. They are making dreams they talked about for years become reality. When I look back on pictures of my kids....I quite often tear up. There's a special kind of love that fills your heart when you think back on those crazy toddler days of three full throttle boys....or the emotional angst of a pre-teen girl. But I've learned there's also something special about watching them fly.
I've been exhausted because, well, it's exhausting to do all that there is to get to the season of empty nesters. Thinking about it now makes me tired!! Diapers, Field trips, birthday parties, concerts, chauffeuring, sporting events, sporting events, sporting events, bonus kids moving in, bedrooms moving around, buying dresses for dances, renting tuxes, staying up with sick kids, 5 kids getting their license, 5 kids graduating, 5 kids heading to college, praying, praying, praying. But man....what a season. What an immense privilege.
I've been terrified because, well, it's terrifying to think about Marlon and I as empty nesters....you see, we've never been here. We've never had an empty nest. We had 3 children before we got married....that's an another blog for another day...but the just of it is that we've never been alone. We've never been just a couple. I've never been just a wife. And I know we are still parents and that our kids still need us and we still have a close relationship. But as for the day to day of life....THIS has never been. And I can't lie...my anxiety is on 10...because I so don't want to be one of those couples that falls apart because there they realize the kids were the glue and they've grown apart. I'm not trying to sound cryptic or negative.... I'm being honest about my fears. I love this man with all that I have to give....the beautiful broken mess that I am. And I want to grow old and grey together. (well, the grey has already begun.)
So now that the last of the last has flown the coop....and the excitement, exhaustion and fear have had time to marinate for a bit....what have I learned?
1. I've been reminded how much I enjoy my husband's company. He's currently working 3rd shift and started school for mechanical engineering. He is tired and busy and has much on his plate. And he is doing all that he can to stay afloat and maintain. So we've tried to carve out time...even if it's just vegging on the couch for an hour. And just sitting there, alone, in each other's presence? Is important. We've made Friday nights our 'out to eat' night and taken time to try new restaurants and stay out later than we have in a longggggggggg time. I am so looking forward to our 20th anniversary in January when we plan to take a few days away together.
2. I've come to realize just how much I short change myself. I question so many things about myself as a woman, still so much. I did not question myself as much as a parent because I felt much more confidant in that area of my life. But at 46. As an educated, professional woman. I still am so insecure. I still doubt my abilities and my skills. I struggle vanity, self image and inner turmoil. I let my doubts have too much power at times and I forget that I have an arsenal of people who are there to support me.
3. I've been reminded that I enjoy my own company as well. I remember that there would sometimes be an hour here or there....when the house was quiet and everyone was sleep and I could just sit and watch what I wanted and eat what I wanted. Even an occasional weekend where the boys and Marlon might go away for a tournament and I would have moments to myself. But now there is plenty of time to do that and it doesn't have to be stolen moments. I can just sit. And read and write. And dream. And be.
4. I've come to understand that I likely will not ever fully stop missing that mommy phase. If I think back to those days....it makes me smile. Marlon and I might bring up a memory and we both will laugh as we reminisce, so cemented in our memories...often seeming just like yesterday. I see littles all around me and my heart just fills as I envision my kids at those ages and joy (and sometimes pain) it was during those stages. It was special and good. I like remembering.
5. I've discovered that I can hold the excitement AND the fear and still embrace each day full of hope and anticipation of good and ready to conquer whatever life throws at us because Marlon is my partner and my friend as well as my husband. And when we get off track....we must get back on. When we hurt the other....we must forgive. When we feel defeated....we must remember that the other has our back. And we can't stop working at our marriage and focusing on the other. We must invest in each other as much as ourselves. And well, quite frankly we need to remember to follow Uncle Jerome's advice to help heal almost all marriage issues at their core. That's prayer and sex by the way. And yes he came right out and told us this. And yes there were other people in the room. Might as well put it all out there.
6. Finally....even though #2 is so very real....on the flip side I am also getting my mojo back. I am excited to invest in myself...to make myself a priority....to focus in on just what I want to spend my time doing for the NEXT 46 years or at least until grandchildren come! What can I do different and better? I am finding out that the best is yet to come because the next part of my journey really is unwritten (cue Natasha Bedingfield) and that is exciting!! I am hopeful. And I'm ready.
Six weeks. Just the beginning.
That's what I got today.
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