This morning I am enjoying the house to myself. All children and hubby are off involved in some kind of activity away from home and so I asked if anyone cared whether or not I just sat at home. Yay. It's these quiet kind of mornings that this season of life doesn't afford me often...but so help me keep a calm that doesn't come naturally to me.
So I sit down to watch a couple of episodes of Our America with Lisa Ling. I love people, even though they often frustrate me. I love learning about why they live how they do, where they draw their lines in the sand and how they view and filter the world around them. I think it's part of what draws me to this show. Whether or not I agree with how someone is living their life, raising their children...there are times that I might find myself having very strong opposition to something that I see or having a strong reaction to it. This is usually a conviction of my own self. That happened this morning.
While watching an episode about pageant families I found myself becoming irritated and sad whenever one of the moms was on screen. Trying to figure out why I was having such a strong response I realized what it was about. The father had made it clear that he did not approve of this and that he didn't want his daughter to be a part of it and the mom basically just totally ignored his comments/opinion and went ahead and kept planning/preparing, etc. for the pageant.
When have I been that wife? Ladies, when have we chosen to ignore and disrespect our husbands?
Believe this. I am not talking about abuse and domination situations. As I've shared, I was in an abusive relationship and so I know that there are many other issues going on in those relationships.
But if I'm honest. Then there are many times that I've disrespected him through ignoring his viewpoint, rolling my eyes that he doesn't "get it" or simply circumvented him entirely by leaving him out of plans--especially things to do with the kids or the house. This is something that as a strong, independant woman happened often when we first got married. I'm much more conscious of it now and so quite honestly, I was suprised at how strongly I reacted. Because I realized what a long way I have to go. And I could almost hear God said, 'Got off your knees, huh?'
I love when God does that. Takes an area where I might start to feel self-righteous, like I've conquered shortcomings and then rips it wide open and reminds me...uh, yea, about that.
Oh, it's easy to justify. It's all around us. On TV, magazines, movies...relationships around us. But it's not an excuse because I know better. And when I stray from that. Then that's MY problem, my issue. Not his. And as a strong woman? It is wayyyy too easy to pass the buck.
If he didn't...
Well, he nevers...
But he always...
If I don't then...
Can you believe....
I know that...
I want him to...
He needs to...
Shame on us. Shame on me.
Marriage is hard. Being with a person for the rest of your life is hard. And there is great truth to respect and love. It's biblical. Men have a desire to be respected. Women have a need to be loved. This is not to say that men don't need love or women don't need respect. But innately, at the core, most men feel loved when they are respected. Most women feel respected if they are loved.
And I show such great disrespect when I circumvent his opinion, his involvement. Even over little things. And I do nothing to grow close to him when I focus on all of the ways he's not doing, being, acting as I'd like. Like a friend once told me...try for one week to not focus on how he's not meeting your needs but instead worry only about meeting his needs. When I am feeling frustrated or angry with my husband in general...THIS is usually where I need to start.
He is not perfect. And showing him respect as the leader of our home doesn't mean that he isn't accountable for his sin, behavior. To me, it means I am going to stand by him even then. I do not always behave in loveable ways. But I expect and hope that he is still going to love me. Why do we feel that respect is different?
I love my husband and I want him to know that I respect him. I would never want to disregard his thoughts or opinions because I think that I am 'right' or know better. I'm thankful that this morning I had opportunity to process through all of this and remind me what kind of wife I'm called to be. Kinda crazy that a tv show about pageant kids took me there. But that's the way it goes sometimes.
That's what I got today.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
3,2,1 what???
There's this mom I know. She has three litte guys, stairstep in age. 3, 2 and 1.
They are constantly moving. Running. Jumping. Screaming. Fighting. Pushing. Laughing. Crying.
One is almost always poking another in the eye.
One is almost always pulling on her clothes.
One is almost always trying to run away.
And she is frazzled. Beside herself.
Oh my do I relate.
Isaiah was born 5/20/96. Elijah was born 7/17/97. Israel was born 10/20/98.
It makes my head spin to think about now!
Today one of her son's threw a cup at someone because he was angry and she said, "I bet one of your boys would never have done that!" I laughed and told her, "Done that? They might do that NOW!"
But it got me thinking.
About being a mom.
And the stages we go through.
And what the 'world' tells us is "right".
I so want the women around me to know that there are no easy answers. I so want them to know that the trendy moms they see on TV shows who have things handled perfectly are not reflective of real life. Real life? Well, for some, that's nothing pretty.
Confession #1: I did not cherish every sweet moment. Quite honestly, I don't remember a ton of 98 or 99 athough I KNOW there were sweet moments in there! (I have pictures to prove it) I had three in diapers, a new husband, a young daughter and worked. I am not saying that as a badge of honor. In fact for a long time I felt bad that my kids had somehow missed out because I didn't nibble their toes every time I changed their diapers. In fact. We did diapering as an assembly line. If one was getting changed-everyone was getting changed!
Confession #2: I yelled and lost my cool. I once threatened to leave my 5,4 and 3 year old in the grocery store if they did not stop saying, "Momma". And I think I just might have been serious. I once snatched up two of my boys and marched them over to their dad at Chuck E. Cheese; shoved them at him and said, 'I need to leave before something goes through the window' and then walked out without another word. I once locked myself in the bathroom crying from despair as they knocked on the door wondering what was wrong. Which of course made me cry harder because they were so sweet. (ok. that happened more than once)
Confession #3: I likely neglected my daughter at pivotal times because of the three lil hooligans I had to chase after and the exhaustion I felt. She never complained. And she's loved me greatly in spite of it. I am so grateful that 5 years we had alone seemed to carry her over during the next 5 when I was likely a crazy woman. It always made me so thankful that she had her dad and his family so fully engaged in her life. I know that's not the norm. I do not know and likely never will know how that might've affected her.
Confession #4: I do not know how I did it. Now of course I give as encouragement...this stage will end, they won't always be in diapers, you won't always have to dress them, they will stop picking their nose. But at the time. It sure as heck did not seem like it. And I had a husband who was a big help, right in the trenches together. And. He was a big comfort to me and quite honestly kept me sane. But I do not know how because it seemed like it would never end.
I look at my kids now and I know that God equips and He makes beautiful things out of dust.
That's what I want to encourage moms with.
You will mess up. You will lose your cool. You will forget some milestones. You will want to run. You will be overwhelmed. You will leave your house unshowered. You will have throw up on you. You will cry. You will worry that you aren't doing it right. And there will be times you won't be.
But you get on your knees day after day and you ask Him for forgiveness and to give you what you need for the day. And time after time he does. And then some.
That's what I got today.
They are constantly moving. Running. Jumping. Screaming. Fighting. Pushing. Laughing. Crying.
One is almost always poking another in the eye.
One is almost always pulling on her clothes.
One is almost always trying to run away.
And she is frazzled. Beside herself.
Oh my do I relate.
Isaiah was born 5/20/96. Elijah was born 7/17/97. Israel was born 10/20/98.
It makes my head spin to think about now!
Today one of her son's threw a cup at someone because he was angry and she said, "I bet one of your boys would never have done that!" I laughed and told her, "Done that? They might do that NOW!"
But it got me thinking.
About being a mom.
And the stages we go through.
And what the 'world' tells us is "right".
I so want the women around me to know that there are no easy answers. I so want them to know that the trendy moms they see on TV shows who have things handled perfectly are not reflective of real life. Real life? Well, for some, that's nothing pretty.
Confession #1: I did not cherish every sweet moment. Quite honestly, I don't remember a ton of 98 or 99 athough I KNOW there were sweet moments in there! (I have pictures to prove it) I had three in diapers, a new husband, a young daughter and worked. I am not saying that as a badge of honor. In fact for a long time I felt bad that my kids had somehow missed out because I didn't nibble their toes every time I changed their diapers. In fact. We did diapering as an assembly line. If one was getting changed-everyone was getting changed!
Confession #2: I yelled and lost my cool. I once threatened to leave my 5,4 and 3 year old in the grocery store if they did not stop saying, "Momma". And I think I just might have been serious. I once snatched up two of my boys and marched them over to their dad at Chuck E. Cheese; shoved them at him and said, 'I need to leave before something goes through the window' and then walked out without another word. I once locked myself in the bathroom crying from despair as they knocked on the door wondering what was wrong. Which of course made me cry harder because they were so sweet. (ok. that happened more than once)
Confession #3: I likely neglected my daughter at pivotal times because of the three lil hooligans I had to chase after and the exhaustion I felt. She never complained. And she's loved me greatly in spite of it. I am so grateful that 5 years we had alone seemed to carry her over during the next 5 when I was likely a crazy woman. It always made me so thankful that she had her dad and his family so fully engaged in her life. I know that's not the norm. I do not know and likely never will know how that might've affected her.
Confession #4: I do not know how I did it. Now of course I give as encouragement...this stage will end, they won't always be in diapers, you won't always have to dress them, they will stop picking their nose. But at the time. It sure as heck did not seem like it. And I had a husband who was a big help, right in the trenches together. And. He was a big comfort to me and quite honestly kept me sane. But I do not know how because it seemed like it would never end.
I look at my kids now and I know that God equips and He makes beautiful things out of dust.
That's what I want to encourage moms with.
You will mess up. You will lose your cool. You will forget some milestones. You will want to run. You will be overwhelmed. You will leave your house unshowered. You will have throw up on you. You will cry. You will worry that you aren't doing it right. And there will be times you won't be.
But you get on your knees day after day and you ask Him for forgiveness and to give you what you need for the day. And time after time he does. And then some.
That's what I got today.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
What's color got to do with it?
I would like to start this post by saying this is my opinion and my experiences and things I recognize as being hindrances. I know that I can come across a little bold and angry. Some things make me angry. I am okay with this. You may not be okay with that. I understand and hope we can love each other anyway.
Just this past school year my son's class was "informed" by a teacher that the reason black people can run so well is because they have an extra muscle in thier leg.
Does this statement bother you? If so, why? If not, why not?
The class responded to it in various ways...some kids believing it. Some kids upset she would say something so ridiculous. Some kids questioning it.
Someone actually said they didn't understand why a few of the black kids were upset that she said this. Didn't they realize it was a compliment?
Even my own son, who is black incidentally and who has never heard such absurdity from us, came home and had to ask, that's not true-is it? His gut told him no...but he figured a teacher must know. Alas...we told him he's just a good athlete because he works hard-there's no magic extra muscle that's going to kick in
We see and hear statistics. And then we accept them.
We might even begin to form opinions as a result of them. And we blindly jump on bandwagons and make assumptions and spew out all kind of divisive thoughts. Often times because we do not engage in life with people who do not look like us, we can only base our viewpoints on statistics, the news, etc. because we have no real life experience.
Here is something you may have heard:
There is a higher percentage of minorities in prison than white people.
What do we do with this?
Do we accept that as truth and then leave it as that.....so that it subconsciously peppers our thinking? Do we question why it is true? I mean...are minorities more 'prone' to committing crimes? Could there be some merit to the line of thinking that our judicial system might be biased and quality counsel not readily available to everyone? Could minorities really just be lacking some moral conduct gene that makes them want to break the law? Do we really think that minorities commit more crimes than white people? Did you know that minority youth arrested for drug possession for the first time are incarcerated at a rate that is about 50% times greater than white youth arrested for the first time? Why?
Here are things I know to be true.
Racism exists. And it should matter to all of us to reach deep into the pits of our souls to examine our biases. Because it is an ugly truth that plagues our country and if white people continue to turn a blind eye to it....nothing changes.
It's of great detriment to bridging gaps for people to say things like, 'Why do they always have to bring race into it.' um. Who is 'they'? We can recognize that white privilege runs so deep that we often don't realize it is ingrained into our thinking.
'Slavery ended a long time ago...so why can't people just get over it.' The average person does realize this. Do you know the year? Especially those that are so quick to spout off this sentiment. Do you know the year? There are arguments that based on state laws that were put in place to block the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 that it wasn't fully abolished until 1928. Also many don't think of or realize or maybe don't even know that Jim Crow laws and then segregation lasted a long long time after slavery ended. There were still lychings up to 1968. Not 1868. 1968. That is only 44 years ago. Um I'm going to be 41. This is not a long time people. Can we at least please acknowledge that? And can we acknowledge that there are many people groups who are racially discriminated against that aren't black.
Indigenous people groups. Latino people groups. Asian people groups. Middle Eastern people groups.
'People have the same opportunities and can be whatever they want' Anyone who thinks this statement is true has never set foot out of their comfort zone. Opportunity is not the same depending on the color of your skin. It should be and people of color must continue to break down walls. But opportunity is not the same.
'The color of your skin doesn't matter. We all bleed red.' Inherently we know this doesn't matter. Praise God that we are all created in His image and it doesn't matter what color you are or what your background it. But unfortunately many do not live as if this is true. The fact that you know minorities who are wealthy and educated is not proof that racism doesn't exist. And the fact that our President is black isn't proof of that either. Please believe that.
I could go on and on. I so love to think and pray and discover about people, justice, opportunity and lack of it...think and dream about what this world could be like if we just cared enough to educate ourselves on things we struggle with as much as things we enjoy.
I'm including some links to some wonderful articles/pieces that I think are of great value in reading. I pray they make you think. I know they have done that for me. Take from them what you will.
Diversity vs. White Privilege
What White People Can Do About Racism
America's Public Schools: Still Unequal and Unjust
Follow God where He leads. Just strap on the suitbelt for the ride.
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow
That's what I got today.
Just this past school year my son's class was "informed" by a teacher that the reason black people can run so well is because they have an extra muscle in thier leg.
Does this statement bother you? If so, why? If not, why not?
The class responded to it in various ways...some kids believing it. Some kids upset she would say something so ridiculous. Some kids questioning it.
Someone actually said they didn't understand why a few of the black kids were upset that she said this. Didn't they realize it was a compliment?
Even my own son, who is black incidentally and who has never heard such absurdity from us, came home and had to ask, that's not true-is it? His gut told him no...but he figured a teacher must know. Alas...we told him he's just a good athlete because he works hard-there's no magic extra muscle that's going to kick in
We see and hear statistics. And then we accept them.
We might even begin to form opinions as a result of them. And we blindly jump on bandwagons and make assumptions and spew out all kind of divisive thoughts. Often times because we do not engage in life with people who do not look like us, we can only base our viewpoints on statistics, the news, etc. because we have no real life experience.
Here is something you may have heard:
There is a higher percentage of minorities in prison than white people.
What do we do with this?
Do we accept that as truth and then leave it as that.....so that it subconsciously peppers our thinking? Do we question why it is true? I mean...are minorities more 'prone' to committing crimes? Could there be some merit to the line of thinking that our judicial system might be biased and quality counsel not readily available to everyone? Could minorities really just be lacking some moral conduct gene that makes them want to break the law? Do we really think that minorities commit more crimes than white people? Did you know that minority youth arrested for drug possession for the first time are incarcerated at a rate that is about 50% times greater than white youth arrested for the first time? Why?
Here are things I know to be true.
Racism exists. And it should matter to all of us to reach deep into the pits of our souls to examine our biases. Because it is an ugly truth that plagues our country and if white people continue to turn a blind eye to it....nothing changes.
It's of great detriment to bridging gaps for people to say things like, 'Why do they always have to bring race into it.' um. Who is 'they'? We can recognize that white privilege runs so deep that we often don't realize it is ingrained into our thinking.
'Slavery ended a long time ago...so why can't people just get over it.' The average person does realize this. Do you know the year? Especially those that are so quick to spout off this sentiment. Do you know the year? There are arguments that based on state laws that were put in place to block the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 that it wasn't fully abolished until 1928. Also many don't think of or realize or maybe don't even know that Jim Crow laws and then segregation lasted a long long time after slavery ended. There were still lychings up to 1968. Not 1868. 1968. That is only 44 years ago. Um I'm going to be 41. This is not a long time people. Can we at least please acknowledge that? And can we acknowledge that there are many people groups who are racially discriminated against that aren't black.
Indigenous people groups. Latino people groups. Asian people groups. Middle Eastern people groups.
'People have the same opportunities and can be whatever they want' Anyone who thinks this statement is true has never set foot out of their comfort zone. Opportunity is not the same depending on the color of your skin. It should be and people of color must continue to break down walls. But opportunity is not the same.
'The color of your skin doesn't matter. We all bleed red.' Inherently we know this doesn't matter. Praise God that we are all created in His image and it doesn't matter what color you are or what your background it. But unfortunately many do not live as if this is true. The fact that you know minorities who are wealthy and educated is not proof that racism doesn't exist. And the fact that our President is black isn't proof of that either. Please believe that.
I could go on and on. I so love to think and pray and discover about people, justice, opportunity and lack of it...think and dream about what this world could be like if we just cared enough to educate ourselves on things we struggle with as much as things we enjoy.
I'm including some links to some wonderful articles/pieces that I think are of great value in reading. I pray they make you think. I know they have done that for me. Take from them what you will.
Diversity vs. White Privilege
What White People Can Do About Racism
America's Public Schools: Still Unequal and Unjust
Follow God where He leads. Just strap on the suitbelt for the ride.
Share. Give. Listen. Laugh. Pray. Grow
That's what I got today.
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