Being a better human

I've been trying to figure out why the show 'This is Us' wrecks my soul so.  I initially wrote this last night after watching the show and then hit delete instead of post.  After long drawn out rambles I was likely too tired to even be up trying to write, but for me that it my sweet spot of creativity I've found.  But the sentiments were still swirling in my soul....so I decided to rewrite what I had wanted to share.

It's not a secret that I am an easy crier. From everything to my feelings being hurt to commercials to seeing random strangers crying. I make no apology for it anymore. But, people, I have UGLY cried weekly at this show. I have actually WOKEN my husband up from deep sleep because of my sobs. 

I haven't experienced many of the situations that the subject matter in the episodes cover...so I found myself after the show pondering what it might be that twists my heart up and causes it to swell so.

I think it's the real, raw, full love story that continues to unravel each week.

And the wonderful part is that it isn't a "love story" about a young couple and their undying love for each other. A romanticized version of love that makes us question the real love we are experiencing in our lives.

It's an every angle, deep in the crevices of your heart kind of love.

Parental. Sibling. Marital. Self.

The heartache and torment of difficult choices being made and not knowing if it's the right thing.
The joy and exhilaration of decisions and dreams coming to fruition.
The tender and gentle connection of people who understand each other.
A love that covers deep hurts and uncovers tremendous hope.

And I'm a sucker for love.

If you've never seen the show or are binge watching it to catch and see what the hoopla is about, I won't go into details of any characters or story lines...but I do want to dissect this a little.

The marriages represented in this show are real and hard and honest. They don't paint a picture that every argument ends sweetly or that there aren't doubts. Yet there is representation of everything we should strive to be about....forgiveness, grace, patience, fun, friendship.  It's compelling to watch because it is so true to life of the complicated beautiful mess marriage is.

The parents don't make all of the right decisions. Heck--some of the situations are beyond jacked up.  But they love their children and devote themselves to creating a future for them. For encouraging them. Flawed and fallen.

The siblings are connected in such a wonderful way. And I love that the writers write their relationships  in real ways. They siblings hurt each other's feelings, they stick up for each other, they have hidden sibling secrets that bind them, they have the same memories but from different perspective, they are close and yet individual.

Each character is on a journey of self love. Finding out who they are and continuing to reach for their truth. There is reflection and hope. There is struggle and pain. They fail. They get back up.

It is all of the lovely things.  And all of the awful.
The beautiful mess that we are. The way we hurt each other. And the way we forgive.
The lies and demons we face. The way we conquer them.
It is humanity.
And because I love humanity so...it wrecks me to my core.

So when I watch it...and enjoy the writing and directing and acting....which are top notch by the way...I also experience it.

It makes me want to be a better wife, mother, sister, person.
It makes me want to be a better human.
I want to love and understand my husband more deeply.
I want to love and guide my children more honestly.
I want to love and encourage my sister more frequently.
I want to love and respect myself more openly.

And before all of the Christians in my sphere of influence report me to the 'authorities' that I'm learning about being a human from something other than Jesus and the good book...please know that I fully believe God loves me, Jesus died for me and learning to live and love like Him is paramount in my life. I am written on the palm of his hand.

But I also believe that He can use things in our daily lives to open our eyes...and our hearts to His amazing love and grace.  Even a TV show.  And for that I'm grateful.

That's what I got today.

Thanksgiving

I'm always struck by the dichotomy of a day like Thanksgiving....when I'm rejoicing for all I've been blessed with and yet fully aware of the anguish that is all around.

In the midst of pain and heartache...

Lament. It is okay to allow yourself that moment to ache. To sit in the hurt for the world, your community, your family, your home. It doesn't help to just pretend everything is 'just peachy'....there are a lot of hard and difficult things around us. Acknowledge it.

Let go. For God is at work and morning will come. It's not just a cliche' I'm tossing out in a Pollyanna way. It is true and I have experienced it over and over again. And when you doubt this to be true....gather prayer warriors around you to carry you through until you remember.

Laugh. Do not dismiss the incredible power that laughter has. There is great healing and joy in a big ol belly laugh.

Love. Look around you and see people. This day might be hard....for so many of b us it can be because we are missing loved ones...they might be in heaven, ill, living far awymay, incarcerated, maybe there are severed relationships or irreconcilable differences....but in the middle of that muck? There is love. I promise you. Even if it's just the love you have for yourself.

Whether your table is full today....or missing many...I pray you find a moment to lament, let go, laugh and love. You are alive. You matter.

That's what I got today.

So just what is BLOOM?

So I have this idea...

This idea that women can join together as a coalition..
A sisterhood of support
Building each other up
Seeing others and seeing themselves BLOOM.

What is BLOOM (bringing life out of mess)?

BLOOM has been in my heart for a long time and my work at the women's shelter definitely played a role in helping me see that women really can't and shouldn't be "us" and "them".  We all have needs. We all have shortcomings. We all struggle with many of the same things.

Since leaving the shelter, I've had a chance to befriend many of the ladies I met while they were living there, in a different way. Coffee and lunch dates, having them over to my house, helping with resources, lifting prayer requests or meeting a tangible need of some sort.  Many times these things haven't been done in a bubble...because I've had to reach out to other women for help. (and occasionally a men's group has stepped up which is awesome)
But what has happened....is that my friends I happened to meet at the shelter...have encouraged me, have prayed for me, have offered help to me, have inspired me. 

So I began to think...what if those worlds collided?  And there was a space for women, all kinds of women to connect and love each other. To change. To learn and grow. To BLOOM.

I believe there are 4 things we all need as women to thrive.

Love
A sense of our self worth
A support system and
The ability to dream.

Sometimes life sucks one or all of those things out of us. Some of us have never been given the opportunity to foster those things in our lives. 

To begin, we are going to Bring Life Out Of Mess in three simple ways:

Via social media. Join the BLOOM FB page, encourage the women around you, look for individuals who need prayer, a friend, a positive word. Find the good in yourself and your sisters. This is a very simple and easy way to be a part of BLOOM.

Via Garden Gatherings. Beginning in 2017, there will be 4-6 Garden Gatherings. Intentional times of growth for women. Gatherings may include a speaker, a meal, entertainment, an activity but they will all have a focus of gathering together women from all walks of life to create space for true and authentic relationships to grow. Come to the Gatherings and bring a friend. Come with the intent to meet someone new, come with the intent to leave with a friend.

Via Retreats. Once or twice a year, BLOOM will sponsor a retreat for 6-10 women. This may be an afternoon of respite and rejuvenation or an overnight tranquil get away.  The premise is that there are times we need to unplug from our routine and put ourselves in a new environment where we can just be. Not anyone's mom. Not anyone's wife or partner. Not anyone's employee.  Just us.

How do you get involved? This only works if there are women who are ready to BLOOM!!

Pray.  Maybe you are a prayer warrior. Are you willing and ready to lift others in prayer?  Add BLOOM to your daily or weekly prayer list. Be intentional about praying for specific women you might meet at Gatherings. Lift requests that may be shared (with permission) via social media or email. 

Provide. Maybe you are interested in providing for needs that BLOOM will need. This could be from offering your home or talent, buying bibles or journals, cooking a meal.  There will be many ways to get involved in this way. 

Partner. Maybe you know that you have a desire to invest in other women...or allow yourself to be invested in. Maybe you know that you have something to share. BLOOM needs women who will be intentional about encouraging and engaging with sisters.

I have not always been good at fostering relationships. I have allowed myself to get put on a back burner. I have forgotten how to BLOOM.

Please hear my heart. Nobody can do this alone. And nobody has all the answers.  I can only look to what I have made my life's mantra. Love Him. Love others.

Love Him. Jesus Christ is my Savior. I love the Lord with all my heart, mind, body and soul. I fail miserably at representing Him at times....but I also know that through Him I can stand firm and face trials and trouble without fear.

Love others. We all need love.  And as a believer in Christ, I am commanded to love.  This isn't ooey, gooey, lovey dovey love, not a false love. But an authentic, work through the muck love for others. To see them as God does.

Won't you join me as we begin this endeavor?  Join me as we BLOOM.

That's what I got today.

Looking back

Why do we look back?


I understand that there are can be a few important reasons....
We have hurts and traumas to heal and learn from.
We have unfinished business that was never addressed and needs to be.
We have consequences from a decision that causes us to deal with the past.


But other than that??? Why do we look back?


Think about it.  We see memes and hear quotes that talk about worrying about tomorrow....if we focus on the future we are robbed of our present....live in the now. But, I think the same is true for the past.

That job we didn't get.
That decision we made that we regret.
That girl that made us feel special.
That boy that made us giggle.
The person we were.

None of that is healthy or productive for our present either.  Because what we normally do, is let our mind wander to what could have been.  And let our imagination focus on what we don't have, rather than appreciate what we do.


That job?  The reality is we don't have it. And yes that might stink, but focusing on that either steals joy from our current job if we have one....or it could rob us of productivity in job searching.


The decision?  We can't remake it.  So dwelling on why we didn't make a different choice does nothing for the here and now. We have to move beyond it to embrace what is now.


That girl?  Or that boy?  (or man or woman so as not to offend)  We can put false narratives in place of 'what could have been' and the 'one that got away'.  If we aren't in a relationship it can put us in a position of missing out on potential people in our current sphere or path.  If we are?  That's just trouble waiting to happen.  It can put us in a position of taking our significant other for granted, comparing them, focusing on the person in the past. We have to let it go. (insert Frozen music here)


And that person we were?  As we grow and change, learn and mature....don't we HOPE we aren't that person?  What if we think we were better then? It still doesn't serve purpose for today to dwell on it.  We want to actively be pursuing hopes, dreams, plans, goals that are current.  That are now.

There are so many things that work against this of course:


Our mind wanders. Just like our mind can cause worry for the future if we let it wander....it can paralyze us when we wander to the past.  Not saying this is all bad because it can help us make wiser choices...but if we wander to the point that we lose direction and focus for now and obsess about what could have been, that isn't healthy.


Social media. We compare and contrast. Connect with people that without social media would not even be a part of our life now. Not saying this is all bad because it can help us network and it can be fun to see how our old friend's lives turned out...but if we wander to the point that we compare or daydream about how life 'could have been', that isn't healthy.


Attempting to go back. We can reopen doors that have been closed.  Trying to get a 'redo'.  There is something to be said for the good ol', "Try, try again".  But there's also something to be said for, 'That's not for you. It's time to move on." This can apply to all of the above...jobs, decisions, people, ourselves.  Not saying this is all bad again, because we don't want to give up too easy...but if we are always looking back or trying to actually going back and opening closed doors, that isn't healthy.

What if we put to rest the shoulda's, coulda's, woulda's....

I want to be about now.
I want to embrace today.


I desire to be fully present for my husband, my kids, my family and friends.
I desire to be fully present for my job...my participants and co-workers.
I desire to be fully present for myself.


Who's in?
That's what I got today.

Ready to live.

I thought that I had dealt with the deep soul scars my abusive relationship left. I thought those wounds had healed.  But last week in therapy...this deep revelation of hidden trauma exploded and so many different connecting points since that day have begun to fall into place.  I've shared pieces of this part of my life before...but I think I packaged it in a tidy and concise way of healed hurt...the way we do when we've compartmentalized something and decided that a cold, sterile stance is the best way to accept the ugly truth.  But as I journey to all of my truth...I believe I must go back before I can go forward.....


'Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do...what ya gonna do when they come for you'


I was being comforted by two officers and watching my then fiance' being taken into a police car in handcuffs.  All that kept running through my head was the song to the TV show Cops.  It was all too much to process.  It was already the beginning of my escape.


My head was throbbing and my entire body felt like I had been thrown against a wall. 


Standing in the emergency room....gingerly trying to tie my robe....staring blankly at my reflection in the mirror...was this really me?  How had I gotten here?


I met my fiancé a few years before we got engaged. At the time I wasn't interested in anything serious and he was full throttle serious from get go. It was overwhelming and I quickly let him know that I wasn't interested. We still saw each other on occasion because we partied in the same clubs and had some common friends...but that was all I had time for.  To be honest, I'm not exactly sure when he started pursuing me again. Maybe he always had been but I just hadn't been looking.


But at some point....he asked me out.  And I went.


There's many details to our early dating that I don't remember.  I don't know if I've submerged them so deep that they are just too hidden...or if I'm so old that 20+ years of memories that aren't important--I just can't recollect. 


But at some point....we became serious.  And we decided to move in together.


Looking back.  I was so manipulated.  I trusted who didn't deserve trust. I ignored red flags. I saw what I wanted to see, maybe what I needed to see.


I've been tossing those months over and over the past week.  Trying to remember moments...open wounds that haven't fully healed and pull off the scabs that have protected me from the days, weeks, months leading up to that night.


Complete control. And an incessant need to be involved in virtually everything that I did.  I was a dance minor and I remember him trying to give me tips and ideas for my choreography.  Why did I entertain that?  Now...I'd say, 'Fool---what you think, that booty dance from the club belongs in a lyrical routine? Please.'  But then....humor him. Pacify. Stroke ego. Repeat. It really became a routine.


Fits of anger that included intimidation. Threats of leaving. Threats of other women that wanted him. Threats of telling people what I was really like. I used to think I glossed over these realities because I was embarrassed.  It's possible that was a piece of it. But I see now that I was willing to compromise my truth in order to be loved. 


The proposal was grandiose. Of course. Because you need an audience. You need to make even the proposal to the woman you love about you. So you stop everything at the club where you met and you serenade her with your song and get down on one knee in front of everyone and pull out a beautiful ring. And she's accepting. And tearing up. Friends are beaming. But deep inside everyone has an upside down feeling. An unsettled angst that can't be explained. Because everyone knows but they don't.


I used to tell the narrative that there was really only one incident of physical violence before the night. One small incident before the night, but that was it.  But as I've been retelling myself the truth this past week...tonight I've remembered 2 other incidents.  I think that I might have remembered them at the time....but it's been years since I've had these memories.  It's been years since they've been acknowledged pieces of my trauma.


Where have they been?  Those memories. When we don't remember or acknowledge those deep, dark, painful pieces of our past, where do they hide?  Torturing my spirit and unsettling my soul. Carrying a whisper of a lie that's haunted my mind and my heart.


A night at the club dancing. We often drank too much. I normally had to stop because he wouldn't. Most times I drove. Most times he let me. One night, he was angry. I had been dancing too much, laughing too hard, being too me.  It was time to go before it was time to go.  Walking to the car, he wouldn't give me the keys. He threatened to leave without me. We were in Waukesha and lived in Whitewater. I remember crying. He dangled the keys. I grabbed for them. He laughed. Repeat.  Finally, as he lost his footing I was able to snatch them and I took off for the car. He followed in a drunken chase, hardly able to stay upright...but even in that state...able to catch me as I opened the door and hopped in the driver's seat.  Reaching in, pushing me, trying to grab the keys...I'm trying to get the key in the ignition...he has my hand...pushing my head, full drunken weight on me, finally ripping the key out of my hand, breaking the plastic piece around the ignition and then....then leaning on the door, smiling down at me. And the words. The words that I've not recollected until today, 'Sweetie, you know that you can't get away from me.'  And the tears. So broken. Then the words, 'I can't stand when you cry like a baby, always with the crying.'  I slowly got out.  I don't know why I didn't run. I had friends back inside.  But I knew he wouldn't make it home. And I loved him. I loved him more than I loved me.  And so I walked to the other side of the car and got in. Endured the angry car ride home....staring out the window and imagining I was somewhere else, somewhere I was loved and cherished and valued.


Weeks later. His brother's (or maybe his sister's) birthday party. A hood bar with a bunch of old dudes who kept hitting on all of the females there.  I stayed close to him. I knew it'd be safer and I knew by then that his temper wasn't something I wanted to ignite. Only eyes for him. No trips to the bar alone. Always at his side. It didn't matter. Because someone stared too long. Someone made a comment. Someone told him they hoped he knew how lucky he was. I remember now. He rolled his eyes and said, 'That's what you think.'  I remember now...thinking what would it be like to have a man that said, 'I know. She's something special. I know. I'm very lucky.'  I didn't have that. I had storm out early and leave. I had leave your fiance while you go who knows where and then come back at bar time. I had don't ask questions because it's not your business. And so I walked to the other side of the car and got in. Endured the angry car ride home...staring out the window and imagining I was somewhere else, somewhere I was loved and cherished and valued.


The night began a couple of days before the night. We were arguing about something. Who even knows what. And he was walking toward me. No alcohol this time. And I saw that look. I backed up. He stepped forward. I backed up. He laughed. I had backed myself into our kitchenette and he was right there. He took my face and tapped it lightly. I flinched. He laughed. I tried to charge past him. And he grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me. Full force. Hard into the wall behind me. I felt my shoulder blades go through the wall. And I snapped. I lunged at him and shoved him back and scratched his face with every ounce of hate that I had. I got his eye, I knew I had because he grabbed it and bent over and I ran in the bathroom and locked the door. I stayed in there hours. He never came.  The apartment got quiet.  I slowly ventured out. And there he was, patching the wall. Asking to talk. He shared that he'd never put his hands on me again. He knew he needed help. He didn't know how to stop. Would I stay, could we get help?  We cried together. Me because I knew I had to get out.  But I didn't think I had the strength to really do it.  So I cried because I was staying.


The night. Such an amazing night to start! Orchesis was a dance recital featuring dances choreographed by students. I had a number, a hip hop dance to Rhythm Nation that had been chosen and I was on cloud nine. It was so much fun!  We all went to a house party first to celebrate if I remember correctly. Some memories here are still blurry...Maybe one day every detail will be revealed. The party was then taken to a local bar where students always hung out. I was drinking too much too. I mean we weren't that far from home, we could walk if we needed to. Let's both have a good time. He was shooting pool. I was dancing with friends. I kept checking in. He was in a playful mood. This was new.  I kept asking him to dance, he wouldn't dance. I was teasing from the dance floor. He was enjoying himself. Then he danced a little. Drank more. Back to pool. At some point, in the middle of a song...I knew. I knew that playful was gone. He bee lined straight for me and put something in my hand. His engagement ring (because when you are ultra important you get an engagement ring too.) And he walked away.


I remember seeing it in my hand and telling my friends goodbye.  Running to catch up and meet him at the door. He threw it open and stepped out onto the pavement.


What follows is seared in my mind. And confirmed by reading the police report months later.  When I was brave and 'putting to rest' a painful memory. I have found that 'putting it to rest' doesn't heal. Kicking him out doesn't heal. Pressing charges doesn't heal. Winning doesn't heal. Restitution doesn't heal....


Seared in my mind. And my soul.


He pushed me. He grabbed me. I pulled away. I changed my mind. I tried to walk. He dragged me back. I tripped in my heels. The bouncer came out. He said I was drunk and we were just arguing. I was crying. I started to walk again. This time he grabbed me close, hurting me, whispering an angry and evil whisper that I had better get in that car. He opened the door and pushed me in. Slammed my legs as he slammed the door. I screamed. The bouncer stepped toward us. He went into Prince Charming mode.  Gentle and caring, apologizing for my legs, my dancer legs at that, how could he be so careless. Bending to kiss them. Sorry. So sorry.


I looked back at that bouncer and I willed him to do something. The car pulled off. Same scenario. Angry car ride. I settled in to endure....but something was different. Because he was pushing me. Pinching me. And I saw my reflection in the window.


Stop sign. I jumped out and began to run. He caught me. Dragged me back to the car.
Red light. I jumped out and began to run. He caught me. Dragged me back to the car.
Stop sign. I don't get a chance to jump out. He pushes me and grabs my arm. Holding it.


We pull in our parking lot and he starts hitting the steering wheel. The dash. Somehow he started having a conversation and he is yelling at me for not wanting to wear his mother's yellow wedding dress. He is telling me how ungrateful I am because I have no business wearing a white dress because I was a slut. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't. And then in the middle of tears, suddenly I began to laugh. A hysterical laugh that this was somehow my life. And in that moment.  The night changed.


He was on top of me, choking me. The seat broke and fell back. I remember kicking, kicking the dash. Trying to fight back, trying to breathe. Seeing his face. And thinking of my daughter. Imagining her. Let me live to get to her. Let me live to get to her. Choking. And then fading.


I was on the pavement. He was on top of me. Straddled. No shirt. Saying my name. Shaking me. Repeating, 'Please be alive. Please be alive.' My eyes fluttered close. Open. Close.  And I faintly heard the footsteps that could only belong to my friend James....footstep, cane, footstep, cane, footstep, cane. With every piece of my being I began to holler his name.  I found out later it was barely a whisper but he heard it. He told me that he initially was walking away because he thought it was some crazy couple about to get busy in the parking lot....but in the quiet lot my voice carried...and he recognized it. I found out later that at some point I had been on the hood, my hair was every where and dents from my head...at some point I had been hit in the chest because my sternum was bruised...at some point he tore my clothing.  James hadn't seen any of that. He had only seen a couple on the ground with someone on top and he was trying to get by quickly. But I kept saying his name. As loud as I could muster.  And then. I heard him coming closer. The click of that cane louder. And I opened my eyes. Fully open.


He got off. Quickly. Trying to explain. And I slowly sat up. Clothes torn, I felt my ear damp with blood where my earring was pulled out. I touched my neck.  It was raw.


Super human strength is real. Because I jumped up and began to hit him and spit on him and beat him. And then I crumbled and cried. Sirens.


Sirens. Getting closer. Getting louder. (I found out later the bouncer had called the police and they had come to the bar to try and figure out who we were and where we lived)


Standing in the emergency room....gingerly trying to tie my robe....staring blankly at my reflection in the mirror...was this really me?  How had I gotten here?


How?
It's all things and no things. Ignoring the signs and allowing lies to permeate the truth. Loving others more than myself. Not loving myself at all.


I'm just now beginning to fully understand all the ways that trauma has been hindering me since that night.


Simple things like having such a strong startle reflex. Loud noises especially.
More complex things like nuances that elicit responses I haven't understood.
Yet to be discovered things...


It's like I've discovered a hidden secret room.  And under the settled dust there is a beautiful space waiting to be cleaned out, redesigned and lived in.


And I'm ready to live.


That's what I got today.

Bear with my soul today.

This is a long one.  Bear with my soul today.

It's interesting to me that Donald Trump became president. Not surprising because I have been telling people all along that he was going to win. It scared and frustrated me with every fiber of my being. But I am a realist and I just knew. I knew by what people were saying and by what they weren't saying. I knew by Clinton being the opposing candidate.  (who coincidentally, in my opinion and you won't change it so don't try, wouldn't have won even without the email scandal...that just became a very good 'icing on the cake' as a reason not to vote her in...she wasn't Bernie and people were going to make the DNC suffer for that and she was a woman who didn't take any shit. 'merica really wasn't ready for that after Obama)  By the way....why was Trump mostly referred to as Trump and Clinton as Hillary??

Anyway, I digress.

I knew because there are some folks who are tired of establishment and tired of feeling like the government runs everything.  They were 'sticking it to the man' so to speak by having a non politician in office. Maybe his speeches and debates ignited something in them they didn't know was deep in their belly.   I've spoken with some people who wanted something different.

I knew because there are some folks, like some Democrats, who will always vote party. Regardless of candidate. This is often based on one main objective, abortion. A difficult thing because this is so deep seeded in religious ties and people are very serious about that.  Although I will say it's interesting that most Republicans support the death penalty so I'm not sure what that's all about. (I believe it's about 80% if anyone wants to fact check me, at least it used to be)

I knew because there are people who didn't want Hillary to win. The same reason there were a lot of votes cast for Hillary as well. People were voting against more than they were voting for.  Which also why some people just didn't vote at all.

I knew because there is a HUGE population who hate President Obama. I know because my small random sample of FB friends showed me this.  And I am as middle America as they get. At one time in my early FB days---which coincidentally was 2006/2007ish I had 2,000+ FB friends.  Between President Obama and Trayvon Martin and President Obama's second term and Black Lives Matter I've lost over 500 FB friends. Now they weren't necessarily ALL from these situations but I can honestly say many were.  I worked at a CHURCH and staff wore black the day after he was elected and passed out play pills (the kind you get from Spencer's) that were jelly beans in a jar labeled 'NOBAMA'.  And people who felt this way, were NOT going to in ANYWAY be about ANYTHING that remotely suggested supporting him.

And finally I knew because the extreme language used and horrific way Trump has behaved...well, there's a LARGE population of folks....who feel that way. Maybe they weren't all out in the open about it....but they now have permission to be.  Can we blame Trump for every gut wrenching video we've seen of schools where disturbing and hateful things are happening?  No of course not. Do I put some blame on the people who voted for him or didn't vote? 

Quite honestly if there is blame to be put...then I do.

I do because if Clinton was in office and something crazy went down...with emails, with security, with any of the policies people were opposed to....there'd be the same blame put on her constituents.  And rightly so. We are a part of the process. We can't vote in who we vote in and then wipe our hands of any piece of it.  That's part of democracy.  We are all in. We are all a part.  Even if we don't vote, we are a part.  Even if we seclude ourselves in our little safe bubbles, we are a part.  Even if we pretend it isn't happening. That's humanity.  We don't live, breath, exist in solitude. 

I do because we all have to make the choices we make and then be able to stand by them.  So if you made the choice to put a man in office who said hateful, horrific things (things coincidentally the average person would be FIRED from their job for saying) about numerous different people groups....then you need to acknowledge that either maybe you didn't really think some of that was going to rub off on the country or maybe it was worth the risk to you.  That what he was offering was worth the potential explosion that was about to come....or maybe you honestly had no clue what was about to happen.

I do because some things that I've seen specifically say 'Trump Train' or include phrases like, 'I'll make Donald send you back to Africa'.  That isn't open to interpretation.  And even if they aren't old enough to vote, or didn't vote for him....they are allowing that hate and that permission to be hateful to fuel them. They are buying into...if you are black, disabled, gay, Muslim, immigrant, female...then I can say and do whatever I want.  I mean...we just elected someone into office who represents all of that.  I might've thought it before. Said it only to my close friends and giggled. But now, hell, why not just let ya know.

Will he do good things for us.  I don't know.  I think we all have such different ideas about what is good for us that we'll never all be happy. Let's say he overturns same sex marriage being legal.  There are folks that will think that is good for us. There are others that won't.  I guess it depends how far back he's planning on going to make America great again. Honestly, America has never really been great.  Maybe as an entity, powerhouse in the world, a large and in charge kind of way.  But for many many people....from the very beginning of our existence as a country....we weren't about great.  Maybe for some.  But never for all. 

So where do we go from here.  It's dismal.  And I've already told a few that I would not be in the least surprised if a civil war or something very close to it doesn't break out.  I'm not being dramatic, I'm very serious.  I always have hope because I have Christ...but I also know that God doesn't like ugly and the U.S. has been ugly for a very, very long time.  (for all who don't know this is ugly in the sense of 'man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart') Also hidden is always brought to light and we've had a good ol share of hidden.  I like to toss some reference to scripture once in a while so that worried folks know I still love Jesus :)

These are just my thoughts.  I have no answers. I'm one person, reaching and praying for all of us, trying to do what I always do....stand in the gap.

We each need to do what we can to shut down any hate.  And let's do this, instead of looking at the "opposing side" to shut down their hate....handle the hate in your own house. Hold our own accountable?  We are so quick to share quotes and memes that are really passive aggressive messages to the opposing side.  That are 'get your shit together' reminders.  And in the sense of humanity that 'We are all on the same team' this might be hard for some people.  But we really aren't all on the same team right now.  There are other times in history this has occurred if you remember.  The band has broken up.  So let's right now, for this moment, look to our own.  This is wayyyy bigger than this election, but the election became the line in the sand that was openly visible to uncover the wound that has never been healed.

If you didn't vote for Trump and you see extreme language, violence and hate (not anger and pain because anger and pain are allowed) remind that they must stand tall and be brave and fight hard in right ways so that they stay out of jail and quite honestly stay alive. Returning hate for hate does not help. That we must dig deep in our souls to get beyond the election, beyond Trump being president and do the hard work we must to protect rights, laws and people that may be a part of the fall out.  We can not give up.

If you did vote for Trump and you see extreme language, violence and hate (which may play out as extreme gloating or pride) come along side and remind them that their neighbors and loved ones might be affected greatly by policies and laws that are to come and they are afraid. That they must stand by people, look past pain and offer their hand.  That it is not okay to repeat hate speech, that children must be taught to love and that there is no place for bullying. Hold schools accountable for inappropriate things even if your child wasn't affected. Speak up and speak out.

Be a part of change. It's why I'm going to continue to be an ambassador for discriminatory language, behavior and actions.  I always have been about that...but the time is now to be more vigilant and give people the space to get involved if they'd like. This is a time for awareness.

If you are a head in the sand kind of person.  I might become very annoying for a very long time. I am sorry about that.  But I am not going to not be me.  One thing is this....I will never confront you, attack you, or bully you because of how you feel.  I do not feel called to do that and do not think that is helpful.

If you want to ask me questions, I am always open for conversations. I've had some really good conversations about beliefs, race, politics, etc. Good conversations don't mean anyone changes their minds....so please know we will likely walk away from the conversation in the same boat we were....we just might understand each other better and that's a great thing.  If you are okay with that, then let's talk. If you want to convince me that I'm wrong....then let's just keep it casual and that's good too.  We might find out casual is the best way to stay cordial.

Personally, as a country I think we are wandering right now. We are wandering and trying to figure this out. If locusts or manna starts falling from the sky, don't say I didn't warn you.

Seriously though, let's figure ourselves out to. Our place in this big ol mess. It's the only place we can start.

That's what I got today.

I'm with her.

I'm with her. 

I've had so many ask/inbox how I can love Jesus and vote for Hilary. Actually over the years there's been many who have questioned how I can love Jesus and vote democratic.  This is normally broken down to really asking how do I vote for candidates that are pro choice.  I can understand this question I guess....but it's no more valid than asking someone who votes republican and loves Jesus how they can vote for candidates that are pro death penalty.  There is never a single issue campaign.  I could never single issue vote.

But this election, I really don't feel like I'm choosing the lesser of two evils. And while maybe I might have liked Bernie better....I really am with her. 

I'm with her because I am pro choice. I know this is hard for many evangelicals to understand and somehow I often get lumped into some horrific group of people who are considered baby killers.  But I'm pro choice because I don't believe that the government should tell me what I can and can't do with my body.  My heart would be that any baby conceived could find love and support and care in this world.  I fully believe that Roe vs. Wade being overturned does not make us 'great again'. I fully believe that Roe vs. Wade being overturned does not make us 'holy'.

I'm with her because I believe that immigrants are welcome.  I do not believe that a wall or immigration laws built out of fear are the answer.  I believe review and enforcement of current laws need to happen before we jump to extremes of who we are going to 'keep out'.  

I'm with her because police brutality of minorities is real. Over incarceration of minorities is real. Profiling is real. And this is not a time for 'law and order'. This is not a time where we spew 'Blue Lives Matter' whenever Black Lives Matter is spoken in response to another black man or woman dying....and yet we are silent when actual officers are MURDERED by white men...don't Blue Lives Matter then?  I'm with her because the hypocrisy and chosen ignorance of this country about matters of race and race relations must end. And it doesn't end by pretending it isn't real. 

I'm with her because I believe that same sex marriage being legal is constitutional.

I'm not a pussy you can grab because you believe you have the power to do so.

I'm not a sexual joke you can make to elicit laughter from your friends.

I'm not an object of your ogling because you haven't matured enough to know that's disrespectful.

I'm not here for your entertainment.

I'm not weak because I am female.

I am a daughter and a mother and a wife and a professional and lover of people.  I am a woman.

That means I can own property. Bear children. Run a business. Exercise my right to vote.

And now, I could even run for President of the United States.

That's what I got today.

Crashed. But not broken.

It's amazing how some therapy, some meds, some more sleep and some acknowledgement can put things in perspective.

It's been quite a week. And my brain has been somewhat silent.

Since I shared about my bipolar...I've gotten so many different responses.  Many encouraging and comforting comments and hugs.  But some questioning. Some concern. It's all good, because I understand it's difficult and so many are not comfortable even talking about such things.  

I thought I would take some time to share more about this journey for me...and while not all of my blog posts will be directly related to my health...it's where I'm at this morning.  So there you have it.

Some of you know about BLOOM (bringing life out of mess) A new, ministry I'm bringing to life. Women helping other women...looking to how we can lift our sister, be her voice while she finds her own, teach and be taught. Quite honestly it's always existed...it's part of the fabric of who I am...but after much prayer, giving it a name and making it more official, is the next step.  This morning, as I'm planning for an info gathering at my home later this month and a Winter Retreat several special ladies will be attending in December that BLOOM is hosting, my mind is focused on preparing and dreaming, praying and hoping.  It brings me such joy and fills me.  

How does this inspiring morning bring me to focus on my bipolar?

As I take a break and thank God for what He's given me...I get a little teary because the crazy of my brain (and yes I know so many that hate correlating the word crazy with mental health--I mean no disrespect, but it's how my brain makes me feel when it isn't firing properly) almost had me shut this down.  A week ago I almost called the entire thing off because I felt I had not business moving forward with all of the mess in my head and in my life.

Lies. Lies that live in my brain.  

Because I know that when God calls, He equips.  And that's in spite of myself.

I am living, breathing BLOOM. I am bringing life out of mess.

****DISCLAIMER: As I share about my journey, I can only speak for me. Mental illness is never the same from person to person. This is not meant to help you diagnose your friends or self, to determine your journey or path to health, to sway what treatment is the 'right' treatment.****

For me, I'm what they call Bipolar 2.  This is based on several assessments, behaviors, patterns, etc. Looking back over the my entire late teens thru adult life...I do believe it is a correct assessment. Also, knowing how many years ago therapy, retraining my brain and specifically meds helped...I see the patterns. It most often plays out by depressive states that can last a week to several weeks or manic stages that can last a few days to a week. There may only be one or two manic stages in their entire lifetime. Because these highs and lows don't mirror the intensity or frequency of Bipolar I...you will hear hypomanic and hypodepressive.  

Hypomania for me plays out in sleeplessness, racing thoughts that can't be stopped, daydreams that are so vivid and real they interfere with reality, extreme irritability and impulse control where I do and say things I normally would not.  I also feel quite unstoppable and take on others problems as my own.  (and not in the healthy scriptural way of carrying each other's burdens)  Add in my codependency and you have the perfect storm.

I got to a breaking point.  And then I crashed. But I'm not broken.  Well, no more broken than I was before. 

Still fiercely love my family.

Still in marriage therapy so we can go the distance.

Still love to help others see and recognize their potential.

Still fight for injustices.

Still love Jesus and desire to live more like Him.

So today I see hopes and dreams.  I see friendship and encouragement.  I see sleep...yes, I'm up to 4 hours a night. I see understanding and clarity.  I see light.

And that light is brighter than any dark day could try to be.

That's what I've got today.