It's been quite a week. And my brain has been somewhat silent.
Since I shared about my bipolar...I've gotten so many different responses. Many encouraging and comforting comments and hugs. But some questioning. Some concern. It's all good, because I understand it's difficult and so many are not comfortable even talking about such things.
I thought I would take some time to share more about this journey for me...and while not all of my blog posts will be directly related to my health...it's where I'm at this morning. So there you have it.
Some of you know about BLOOM (bringing life out of mess) A new, ministry I'm bringing to life. Women helping other women...looking to how we can lift our sister, be her voice while she finds her own, teach and be taught. Quite honestly it's always existed...it's part of the fabric of who I am...but after much prayer, giving it a name and making it more official, is the next step. This morning, as I'm planning for an info gathering at my home later this month and a Winter Retreat several special ladies will be attending in December that BLOOM is hosting, my mind is focused on preparing and dreaming, praying and hoping. It brings me such joy and fills me.
How does this inspiring morning bring me to focus on my bipolar?
As I take a break and thank God for what He's given me...I get a little teary because the crazy of my brain (and yes I know so many that hate correlating the word crazy with mental health--I mean no disrespect, but it's how my brain makes me feel when it isn't firing properly) almost had me shut this down. A week ago I almost called the entire thing off because I felt I had not business moving forward with all of the mess in my head and in my life.
Lies. Lies that live in my brain.
Because I know that when God calls, He equips. And that's in spite of myself.
I am living, breathing BLOOM. I am bringing life out of mess.
****DISCLAIMER: As I share about my journey, I can only speak for me. Mental illness is never the same from person to person. This is not meant to help you diagnose your friends or self, to determine your journey or path to health, to sway what treatment is the 'right' treatment.****
For me, I'm what they call Bipolar 2. This is based on several assessments, behaviors, patterns, etc. Looking back over the my entire late teens thru adult life...I do believe it is a correct assessment. Also, knowing how many years ago therapy, retraining my brain and specifically meds helped...I see the patterns. It most often plays out by depressive states that can last a week to several weeks or manic stages that can last a few days to a week. There may only be one or two manic stages in their entire lifetime. Because these highs and lows don't mirror the intensity or frequency of Bipolar I...you will hear hypomanic and hypodepressive.
Hypomania for me plays out in sleeplessness, racing thoughts that can't be stopped, daydreams that are so vivid and real they interfere with reality, extreme irritability and impulse control where I do and say things I normally would not. I also feel quite unstoppable and take on others problems as my own. (and not in the healthy scriptural way of carrying each other's burdens) Add in my codependency and you have the perfect storm.
I got to a breaking point. And then I crashed. But I'm not broken. Well, no more broken than I was before.
Still fiercely love my family.
Still in marriage therapy so we can go the distance.
Still love to help others see and recognize their potential.
Still fight for injustices.
Still love Jesus and desire to live more like Him.
So today I see hopes and dreams. I see friendship and encouragement. I see sleep...yes, I'm up to 4 hours a night. I see understanding and clarity. I see light.
And that light is brighter than any dark day could try to be.
That's what I've got today.
No comments:
Post a Comment