I'm tired....but God.

Today is a day I woke up tired. Tired of black men being killed and it's just another day. Tired of being weary that my own husband and sons must do and be that much more so that a biased society might see them as more than their color. Tired of folks being more worried about not stirring the pot than saying what they really feel.

This most recent shooting? Good that the officer lost his job. Good that he's been charged. Have you seen the video? He should.  I have only the video at this time to base my opinion...but he's an awful cop. 

The fear family members of honorable officers feel? Can I relate? Why yes, it's the fear I share as well. Is my loved one safe?  It stinks. Only the full surrender to my belief that God is sovereign can bring ANY peace.

But that's secondary. Because as I watch that video over and over. And yes, I've watched it over and over. What is primary as I weep...is that this is nothing new. This situation?
It's happened before.
It will happen again.

And but for the video....this could've been one of many other news stories we've heard about recently.

The recent memes and videos that share the talk parents MUST have with their children of color....that's real. We've had that talk. And you continue to have to have it. My son's are constantly reminded of it by my husband and I.  I laugh when people say, just tell them to take their phone out and video tape it.  Really? So an officer can be worried it's a gun he's grabbing for and kill him and be justified?

Think of all the news stories. And then I want you to replace the black victim who died with a white person you know of similar age...same details you know about. Would the story seem off to you?  Think of all the news stories. And replace the black victim with a black person you know of similar age....same details you know about. Now?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Of people taking the defense and spewing out all the details they "know" that most definitely justifies the shooting.  Really, unless you were there--you don't know any more or less than me so allow me my opinion, fears and need to process.

I'm tired of hearing news stories of another unarmed black man dying. And yes, black on black crime is horrific as well...I don't need all you nice people to remind me of that. I choose to work in an area where I can hopefully make a difference for future generations, if it upsets you...what are you doing about it?

I'm tired of having to surrender my fear to God that if my son would get pulled over for something, whether legitimate or not, there's a real possibility he could be not just shot, but gunned down.

Evil is real. And darkness lurks and sometimes consumes. That is not new. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

But God. He is sovereign. And good. And just. And I do fall on my knees, crying out to Him...over and over. It is what keeps me sane at times.

Yet I know I have a voice. And I know that, with Him, I can and do make a difference in lives. And I know He has plan and purpose for every day.

So I keep on keeping on. Love and support my husband. Love and teach my sons. Love and educate the families I work with. Love and listen to people with different opinions. And love my God with all that I am, because it's all I know how to do to keep from destruction.

I'm tired and worn. But I must allow Him to redeem, refresh and restore my weary soul.

Love wins.

Don't talk about it. Be about it.

So this past month I had kind of a special thing happen.  An article that I wrote was published in a magazine. I say special carefully because I really do cherish that word.  Special is a word I reserve for amazing heart touching things....like holding your child for the first time.  Like feeling a cool breeze you know was intended just to settle your spirit. Like seeing a family reunite at the airport.


How and why would I put something as selfish as being authentically happy in the same category as those things? Well....


I love to write.  And when I'm disciplined I write quite often.  What I'm thinking, what's in my heart, what I see.  Even.  Well this will sound bizarre I'm sure, but I'm often writing in my head.  Kind of like Wonder Years where there's a monologue of prose ongoing?  Yeah, that. 


And not in a boastful way, but I've been told that people enjoy my writing.  That I should write more.  That they would read a book if I wrote it.  It certainly feels good.  But after time and time again of trying to 'force' myself to write, I know that none of that is reason enough to write.  That doesn't cause me to write. 


And having something to say, isn't really reason enough to write.  I mean, we all have something to say---don't we?  It's just whether or not we exercise our ability to say it.  And sometimes, what I have to say...isn't very uplifting or encouraging....is probably too raw and honest to see in print and so then NOT writing is actually a better choice.


So I've been praying.  And seeking.  And reading.  And asking.  In the midst, from MAJOR encouragement from an old friend and my husband, I followed through on a first writing 'ask' and ended up in Children's Ministry Magazine.  Because this old friend knew I would have something to offer for this writing task....she helped to orchestrate the ask, which led to my accepting the opportunity to write.  And my husband?  Toward the deadline...when I was dawdling....hemming and hawing about finishing...he basically just said, 'Do this.'   So I did.


And the feeling in my heart when I opened the magazine and saw the article?  I can't quite explain it.   And it didn't even matter if nobody ever read it. It represented so much to me.  Obedience.  Discipline. Expression. Self care. Following through on a dream.  I really do desire to write a book for moms.  I don't know entirely what that looks like. 


And so.  I've determined that in order for writing to happen, I have to give myself opportunity to write.  My season of life doesn't allow for a lot of margin.  But I have it.  And I need to be intentional about creating space to write.  I told my bible study ladies that I'm challenging myself to identify a time each week where I must write.  And then I'm going to write it in my calendar as an appointment.  So it doesn't fall to the wayside.  So I can't easily say, 'I'll do it tomorrow.'  And the next time we meet they get to hold me accountable to AT LEAST have identified the time.  (I move slow people.)  This is going to be difficult for me.  Because I enjoy doing for others and struggle with doing for self.  So to make this an ongoing thing will be hard, but I'm an all or nothing person so I do believe the 'writing appointment' is how it's going to happen.


My husband and I tell our kids often, Don't talk about it.  Be about it.  That's what I want to do here.  Be about it.  So.  The only way to be about it.  Is to "do".  So I'm gonna do.  And we'll see what happens.


Special.


So that's what I got today.