I'm tired....but God.

Today is a day I woke up tired. Tired of black men being killed and it's just another day. Tired of being weary that my own husband and sons must do and be that much more so that a biased society might see them as more than their color. Tired of folks being more worried about not stirring the pot than saying what they really feel.

This most recent shooting? Good that the officer lost his job. Good that he's been charged. Have you seen the video? He should.  I have only the video at this time to base my opinion...but he's an awful cop. 

The fear family members of honorable officers feel? Can I relate? Why yes, it's the fear I share as well. Is my loved one safe?  It stinks. Only the full surrender to my belief that God is sovereign can bring ANY peace.

But that's secondary. Because as I watch that video over and over. And yes, I've watched it over and over. What is primary as I weep...is that this is nothing new. This situation?
It's happened before.
It will happen again.

And but for the video....this could've been one of many other news stories we've heard about recently.

The recent memes and videos that share the talk parents MUST have with their children of color....that's real. We've had that talk. And you continue to have to have it. My son's are constantly reminded of it by my husband and I.  I laugh when people say, just tell them to take their phone out and video tape it.  Really? So an officer can be worried it's a gun he's grabbing for and kill him and be justified?

Think of all the news stories. And then I want you to replace the black victim who died with a white person you know of similar age...same details you know about. Would the story seem off to you?  Think of all the news stories. And replace the black victim with a black person you know of similar age....same details you know about. Now?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Of people taking the defense and spewing out all the details they "know" that most definitely justifies the shooting.  Really, unless you were there--you don't know any more or less than me so allow me my opinion, fears and need to process.

I'm tired of hearing news stories of another unarmed black man dying. And yes, black on black crime is horrific as well...I don't need all you nice people to remind me of that. I choose to work in an area where I can hopefully make a difference for future generations, if it upsets you...what are you doing about it?

I'm tired of having to surrender my fear to God that if my son would get pulled over for something, whether legitimate or not, there's a real possibility he could be not just shot, but gunned down.

Evil is real. And darkness lurks and sometimes consumes. That is not new. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

But God. He is sovereign. And good. And just. And I do fall on my knees, crying out to Him...over and over. It is what keeps me sane at times.

Yet I know I have a voice. And I know that, with Him, I can and do make a difference in lives. And I know He has plan and purpose for every day.

So I keep on keeping on. Love and support my husband. Love and teach my sons. Love and educate the families I work with. Love and listen to people with different opinions. And love my God with all that I am, because it's all I know how to do to keep from destruction.

I'm tired and worn. But I must allow Him to redeem, refresh and restore my weary soul.

Love wins.