So I'm reading 'Sacred Marriage' by Gary Thomas. I'm usually not sure into reading books that talk about how to get marriage 'right', but this book I felt was different because it focused on the concept that marriage might be about making me holy vs. making me happy. Also, after 17+ years of marriage with only 1 child left at home, I'm finding myself facing the real fear of being empty nesters and what/how that is going to affect us.
I've talked about it before. The difficult, but rewarding task of marriage. The dichotomy of losing yourself to become one--yet needing to keep yourself to stay one. We've had plenty of desert times and done more than our share of wandering. But we've also committed to staying the course. And our desire, like so many other couples I know, isn't to do this out of some 'obligation' but a true joy in love that can only come from the Lord.
So back to 'Sacred Marriage'. Today I read these paragraphs and they rocked me to my core.
All of us have a visceral desire to be respected. When this desire isn't met, we are tempted to lapse into a self-defeating response. Rather than work to build our own life so that respect is granted to us, we work to tear down our spouse in a desperate attempt to convince ourselves that their lack of respect is meaningless. Spiritually, this becomes a vicious and debilitating cycle that is extremely difficult to break.
God has a solution that, if we adopt it, will revolutionize our relationships. While many people fight to receive respect, Christian marriage calls us to focus our efforts on giving respect. We are called to honor someone even when we know only too well their deepest character flaws. We are called to stretch ourselves, to find out how we can learn to respect this person with whom we've become so familiar. And in this exploration, we are urged to 'have contempt for contempt'.
As our partners and their weaknesses become more familiar to us, respect often becomes harder to give. But this failure to show respect is a sign of a spiritual immaturity more than an inevitable pathway of marriage. We can be thankful for our fellow sinners when we spend more time looking for 'evidences of grace' than we do finding fault. If my wife is more aware of where she falls short in my eyes than she is of how I am witnessing evidences of God's grace in her journey of progressive sanctification, then I am a legalistic husband, akin to a Pharisee. Giving respect is an obligation, not a favor, it is an act of maturity, birthed in a profound understanding of God's grace.
Whoa.
I read them twice.
Whoa.
I want to be about more of this. Because I believe this.
The closer you are to someone----the deeper they can hurt you. The longer you've known someone----the more warts you've seen. It's easy to get caught there.
He never....
She always...
He doesn't....
She isn't.....
In a very selfish way I can huff and puff about all of the things that Marlon is not. And I can try to justify the things that I say or do that are not in line with God's plan by focusing on those character flaws of his. In the same way, he can choose to see all of the things I am not and make excuses for poor behavior because I don't 'deserve' respect. This is all very amusing to Satan. As he lurks and pokes, prods and hides....he is seeking to kill and destroy. And what might start out as a justified frustration....becomes a sin issue as our contempt for our spouse grows.
Let me repeat that.
Our contempt? It becomes our sin issue.
If I haven't loved my spouse that is my shortcoming. Because Jesus calls me to even love my enemies.
If I haven't built into his character that is my shortcoming. Because we are told to encourage one another to build each other up.
I am grateful for others who have been in this fight....and at the rate of divorces in this country I consider it a fight....and are willing to share their wisdom. I am grateful for books and blogs that dig deep into problems, insecurities, desert places....and give insight. I am beyond grateful for scripture and God's redeeming grace that covers me and Marlon and our marriage. That I can call upon His name and He will comfort and encourage me....as well as discipline and redirect me.
Because death has been defeated, because I am able to walk in the authority of the Holy Spirit, because I can choose to love....I can rise above my fears.
I can worry or I can pray. I can't do both.
I can look forward or I can look back. I can't do both.
I can be hidden or I can be open. I can't be both.
I can hold onto contempt or I can have freedom. I can't have both.
Even after 17+ years, I'm not sure how 'sacred' our marriage is. I know we aren't checklist kind of people and so we might never meet all of the marks that society sees as necessary to have a "good" marriage. I am glad, however, for reminders to stop focusing on every flaw and shortcoming and to respect each other. We might not have all of the tools yet.
But I know we love the Lord. And I know we love each other. That's a pretty good place to be.
That's what I got today.
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