I was 16 and I wrote a note.
Despair was too deep.
Pain too much for one moment more
I took a bottle of aspirin, I laid down and waited.
And in the morning I woke up.
And maybe I should, should have felt a sense of joy,
A sense of purpose and renewed hope.
I had planned for my life to end the night before and yet,
it was morning and I was still here.
But I didn't and I'm not sure why
I was still numb.
On the outside I'm sure that I looked all in place
My smile and laugh Were there and many days
They were authentic
But some days not
Life became busy and easy to fake
Because many moments were sweet and beautiful
And sustained me... I learned to mask the empty
The pain and even while
Accomplishing much, becoming a mom
Finding my voice and standing tall
Some days I was still numb.
Mid to late twenties brought marriage and more
Deeper understanding of myself
Therapy to reopen and close wounds
A bi-polar diagnosis to make it all make sense
Medication to quiet my mind and help.
And it did until it didn't I felt like a guinea pig
It was never ending-the cycle
Of good days and bad of trying to determine
if I was capable of this this one moment more
because I couldn't escape the numb
My thirties were a roller coaster but so busy
I was distracted and able to hide from myself
I had so much joy My smiles were easy
And my heart was full I cherished my roles
as wifey and momma bear
It seemed hard to imagine
I had been broken and sad
Most days ignoring as this was what 'was' because
I'd 'arrived' by now and knew how to handle the empty,
the pain that lingered still
My nagging moments of numb.
As I've travelled through my 40s
and become comfortable in my skin
I see things so different
the one moment more
I'm accepting of myself and all that
I am and am not
Where I shine and where I'm tarnished
I no longer fear the empty and pain
the numb that still lingers
some days more than others
but i have love and authentic joy
i embrace my brokenness
and remember that day 33 years ago
It seems so long ago and yesterday at the same time
I can't give you answers
There is no special sauce
I have no idea why I'm still here
But I do know this.
Every day since
Even those when I'm numb
Those when I'm weak and feeling alone
When the lies fill my head
That nothing is real and hopelessness begins to reign.
I remember that morning
Opening my eyes
And rereading that note
Declaring that I could not hold on one moment more
And cling to the truth that I can.
