I have some sobering news to share.
So today while I was in a meeting at work we got an email that all of us who have been at the company for less than a year are being given a 3 month 'period of review'. I guess there's been so many issues in the past with 'newbies' that they want to press pause and make sure we are going to work out. And the crazy part?? It was effective immediately. Like I didn't even get the email until 2 1/2 hours later because of my appointment.
Super crazy. I am super stressed if I'm honest. It's totally out of left field. I mean when the new company 'bought' us there was talk that they might try to get rid of some of us, they were going to clean house of everyone new because we didn't know as much...there was even rumors that the new boss had planned on letting everyone go who has been working less than a year...but decided instead on this 'period of review'. It's even more frustrating because I can't really talk to anyone in charge about it because we just got this new parent company...can't talk to the 'seasoned' employees because it doesn't affect them...so in essence all of us newbies are like, 'what the hell?!?'
So basically during this review period a few things are going to be affected. The email spelled out the process for us.
Inspection: Our work is going to be extra scrutinized. From the sounds of it, we can basically expect every little detail being reviewed with a fine tooth comb. I do my work, but this makes me super anxious because I am human after all and definitely not perfect. It also makes me a little irritated because I just had a 6 month review and that went pretty well. I am new, so some things I don't even know how to do yet...but it's going to be scrutinized?!? Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
Benefits: Any option for getting bonuses and ordering supplies is suspended during this time. It's almost like they want to make sure we are 'worthy' of the perks. We can't ask off any time and will be penalized doubly if we are ill or use emergency sick time. It's almost like we're being suspended or held accountable in the same way employees who are under disciplinary action are. Guys!! We are talking April 30!!!
Hold: This piece has me sooo frustrated I guess. We aren't able to see our participants during this time. They want us to come to an office, basically like a holding place, and sit in seminars and trainings to relearn everything that we've learned already. Meanwhile it's like the world is on hold and we can't move forward with paperwork, processing, planning, relationship building....all of the things that make our job, well; our job. Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
Pay: This. is the kicker. We aren't going to get PAID during this time. They will compensate us with a stipend at the end of the 3 months provided we pass their review...but that doesn't really help me or my family DURING the stupid process. Like, is that even legal? I guess I'm going to need to find an employment lawyer. Guys!! We are talking April 30th!!
I was so afraid to tell anyone. I mean, one it's kind of demoralizing. Even though I know it's not my fault. It just feels wrong and dirty almost. Two, I am panicked. How in the world are we going to sustain until April 30th!!! I did share with a close friend I work with who has been there for a few years and she actually said to me, 'Mindy. Relax, it's 3 months. That's not a big deal.' I couldn't believe it. Easy for her to say. Her job is fine. Her family won't be affected. Her livelihood isn't under attack. Another coworker on my team told me that God always has a plan. Seriously? Believer or not...not exactly helpful in the moments after reading the email.
So I'm hoping and praying that this will end and that they will reconsider. That if enough of us speak up and speak out it will change and they'll reconsider. But I'm not hopeful.
If any of you are willing...able to help out...prayer is great but let me know if you hear of other jobs...maybe would be able to make us a few meals...I plan on selling some things to help out...anything really. Appreciate it so. Just have to figure out how to get through these 3 months.
Are you with me?
Can you feel my pain and frustration?
I'm hoping you can empathize. Understand.
And then.
Imagine those 3 months....or 90 days being stuck in limbo....estranged from your country that was and not being allowed into the country that was to be.
This isn't happening to me.
But it is happening.
Because every time someone says with regards to the Refugee/Muslim ban...
It's only 90 days.
It's not forever.
What is 3 months.
We're talking about the end of April. No home to return to. No home to come to.
And it's what I needed to share Before my Heart Explodes. Part 3.
That's what I got today.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes. Part 2.
Here's where I'm at today.
This isn't the blog I had planned for today. But in lieu of today, it's what's been on my heart.
When my middle son hangs out with his closest friends from high school....they look like an ad for a UN commercial. Not just different personalities...but different countries of origin.
This has led to a diverse and perhaps more culturally aware existence than maybe most friend groups encounter. One that knows and understands pain and hate. One that know and understands fear and ignorance.
When I think of my son and his two very best friends from a young age.... I have to smile because I can't imagine one without the other two.
Black, Mexican and White.
Peruvian.
Rwandan.
They love each other. They complement each other. They are brothers.
The thought of an America that doesn't allow this friendship to exist? Makes me sad.
Over and over today as I read articles, listened to the news, interacted on social media....my emotions were all over the place. Angry. Confused. Disbelief. Despair. Fear.
I am happy to hear of the stay.
I am sad that it had to occur.
I am crying out to God.
Lord have mercy on us.
Protect us from ourselves.
Help us do the work.
Help us learn and grow.
Help us understand.
I just keep looking at those faces. And the beauty they represent. The tapestry of culture.
The world is connected. It's supposed to be.
Because Elijah, Alvaro and Sam were meant to be life long friends. And we need a world where that can happen.
That's all I got today.
This isn't the blog I had planned for today. But in lieu of today, it's what's been on my heart.
When my middle son hangs out with his closest friends from high school....they look like an ad for a UN commercial. Not just different personalities...but different countries of origin.
This has led to a diverse and perhaps more culturally aware existence than maybe most friend groups encounter. One that knows and understands pain and hate. One that know and understands fear and ignorance.
When I think of my son and his two very best friends from a young age.... I have to smile because I can't imagine one without the other two.
Black, Mexican and White.
Peruvian.
Rwandan.
They love each other. They complement each other. They are brothers.
From littles in soccer and summer camp to choir concerts and dances to travelling across the country.
Different but the same. Love to sing. Love to laugh. Love to act crazy. Love to hug. Love to argue.
Over and over today as I read articles, listened to the news, interacted on social media....my emotions were all over the place. Angry. Confused. Disbelief. Despair. Fear.
I am happy to hear of the stay.
I am sad that it had to occur.
I am crying out to God.
Lord have mercy on us.
Protect us from ourselves.
Help us do the work.
Help us learn and grow.
Help us understand.
I just keep looking at those faces. And the beauty they represent. The tapestry of culture.
The world is connected. It's supposed to be.
Because Elijah, Alvaro and Sam were meant to be life long friends. And we need a world where that can happen.
That's all I got today.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Before My Heart Explodes. Part 1.
I've been pretty pensive lately. My heart is beyond heavy.
Well, actually kind of a mixture of pensive, pissed and occasionally peaceful. I'm jumbled like that sometimes.
Through social media, plain ol media, conversations and friends....I keep seeing a repeating theme.
Division.
'Why are we allowing ourselves to be divided'
'Why don't we just pray and see the other side'
'People need to just....'
'People should.....'
I've even seen some post things like, 'This is what God wanted so people need to just trust God.'
That statement makes me cringe.
Please know that what follows is my heart. My experience and my truth. I have several posts I've been working on....writing and rewriting...struggling to express myself without cursing, screaming or taking off my earrings.
Do not try to convince me what I'm writing is 'wrong'. I'm willing to have conversation...and open to hear how you might see things....but I will not debate with anyone whether this is valid. It's just time to get these out or I am going to explode. I've written and rewritten a million blogs in the last few weeks...many of which were only appropriate to be thrown straight out because I was too pissed to be coherent and too disgusted to care.
But it's exactly where I'm at and fueling where I'm going. (figuratively people, I don't plan on moving)
What I got tonight??
The U.S. is not 'chosen'. God doesn't love the U.S. anymore or any less than any other country.
And the U.S. is not, and has never been a Christian country. I'm not saying it hasn't claimed to be. To me....it just hasn't.
The constitution needs to be rewritten. At the time it was written, not only were there 500,000 PEOPLE WHO WERE OWNED BY OTHER PEOPLE, the fricken writer himself owned at least 100 or so.
Because of desire for power...SLAVES were counted as only 3/5 a person. How's that for prolife.
I want to puke in my mouth when I read crap in history books that say, 'many colonists abhorred slavery...even slaveowners.' GTFOH.
Sure. Sure they did.
We are a selfish people. Always have been. From jump.
And by the way.
For those still reading.....
Ummmmmm. Ya'll realize there are no TRUE Americans---whatever that means---because good ol' Chris (Christopher Colombus that is) um, he found land that was already someone's land and decided it was better here and wanted it and so he took it. Really, maybe he was just too fricken lazy or confused to go where he was really supposed to be going....so this might as well do. Kind of like when you're looking for a Hardees but only see McDonalds so you just give up and give in and settle for a Big Mac vs. a Frisco burger. I mean a burger is a burger right?
By the 1600s (if memory serves me, Europeans began to flock to the colonies) PS. We weren't the U.S. yet. PSS. That means white people. PSSS. France and Spain were here too. Like those battles that were glossed over in school---we realized that they didn't just show up in "our" land to fight us right?
And PLEASE. Do not forget that Natives lived here for THOUSANDS of years before Chris arrived with his crew. THOUSANDS.
Let that sink in.
We. We were the refugees so to speak. Because we were fleeing. Looking for opportunity. Hoping to bring something more to our families.
Did you know that individuals from some countries can only come through a lottery and some countries, like Mexico, don't even have a lottery? If you didn't know that....please stop talking like you know anything about immigrants and the path to citizenship.
It's easy to dismiss PEOPLE who have either come to this country or are trying to by saying flippant remarks
'become a citizen' 'go back where you came from'
It's even easier to be on board with policies that will SHUT DOWN entry to the U.S.
But it's not right.
And it's not biblical.
It's not right.
And it's not biblical.
And don't ask me to find all the verses that lead me to believe it's not biblical. If it matters to you, you can do the work. As I recently saw a brilliant friend of mine state, 'I will not do the work for you.'
I'm torn. It makes me furious when I see folks claiming to be Christian and pro life and loving others and feeding the sheep.... but get on board with shutting down our borders. Get on board with saying hurtful and demeaning things about Muslims. About Mexicans. About refugees. Yet many of these same people have no opinion about mass incarceration. No opinion about pipelines. No opinion about lead infested water. No opinion about racial disparity in this country.
It seriously causes such anger in me. More than my heart can take some days.
But I also know that I'm called to love my enemies.
I'll let you in a little secret....
For me....the enemy isn't Muslims. Isn't Mexicans. Isn't refugees. Isn't blacks. Isn't police.
For me....the enemy is a whole lotta ya'll. Those claiming to LOVE God but really are loving the U.S. more than his Word.
But I believe that I am called to love my enemies. And so believe me, I am working on that. It is my desire to reflect Jesus as best I can with what I have.
But if you see those earrings coming out? I'd just quietly walk away.
That's what I got today.
Well, actually kind of a mixture of pensive, pissed and occasionally peaceful. I'm jumbled like that sometimes.
Through social media, plain ol media, conversations and friends....I keep seeing a repeating theme.
Division.
'Why are we allowing ourselves to be divided'
'Why don't we just pray and see the other side'
'People need to just....'
'People should.....'
I've even seen some post things like, 'This is what God wanted so people need to just trust God.'
That statement makes me cringe.
Please know that what follows is my heart. My experience and my truth. I have several posts I've been working on....writing and rewriting...struggling to express myself without cursing, screaming or taking off my earrings.
Do not try to convince me what I'm writing is 'wrong'. I'm willing to have conversation...and open to hear how you might see things....but I will not debate with anyone whether this is valid. It's just time to get these out or I am going to explode. I've written and rewritten a million blogs in the last few weeks...many of which were only appropriate to be thrown straight out because I was too pissed to be coherent and too disgusted to care.
But it's exactly where I'm at and fueling where I'm going. (figuratively people, I don't plan on moving)
What I got tonight??
The U.S. is not 'chosen'. God doesn't love the U.S. anymore or any less than any other country.
And the U.S. is not, and has never been a Christian country. I'm not saying it hasn't claimed to be. To me....it just hasn't.
The constitution needs to be rewritten. At the time it was written, not only were there 500,000 PEOPLE WHO WERE OWNED BY OTHER PEOPLE, the fricken writer himself owned at least 100 or so.
Because of desire for power...SLAVES were counted as only 3/5 a person. How's that for prolife.
I want to puke in my mouth when I read crap in history books that say, 'many colonists abhorred slavery...even slaveowners.' GTFOH.
Sure. Sure they did.
We are a selfish people. Always have been. From jump.
And by the way.
For those still reading.....
Ummmmmm. Ya'll realize there are no TRUE Americans---whatever that means---because good ol' Chris (Christopher Colombus that is) um, he found land that was already someone's land and decided it was better here and wanted it and so he took it. Really, maybe he was just too fricken lazy or confused to go where he was really supposed to be going....so this might as well do. Kind of like when you're looking for a Hardees but only see McDonalds so you just give up and give in and settle for a Big Mac vs. a Frisco burger. I mean a burger is a burger right?
By the 1600s (if memory serves me, Europeans began to flock to the colonies) PS. We weren't the U.S. yet. PSS. That means white people. PSSS. France and Spain were here too. Like those battles that were glossed over in school---we realized that they didn't just show up in "our" land to fight us right?
And PLEASE. Do not forget that Natives lived here for THOUSANDS of years before Chris arrived with his crew. THOUSANDS.
Let that sink in.
We. We were the refugees so to speak. Because we were fleeing. Looking for opportunity. Hoping to bring something more to our families.
Did you know that individuals from some countries can only come through a lottery and some countries, like Mexico, don't even have a lottery? If you didn't know that....please stop talking like you know anything about immigrants and the path to citizenship.
It's easy to dismiss PEOPLE who have either come to this country or are trying to by saying flippant remarks
'become a citizen' 'go back where you came from'
It's even easier to be on board with policies that will SHUT DOWN entry to the U.S.
But it's not right.
And it's not biblical.
It's not right.
And it's not biblical.
And don't ask me to find all the verses that lead me to believe it's not biblical. If it matters to you, you can do the work. As I recently saw a brilliant friend of mine state, 'I will not do the work for you.'
I'm torn. It makes me furious when I see folks claiming to be Christian and pro life and loving others and feeding the sheep.... but get on board with shutting down our borders. Get on board with saying hurtful and demeaning things about Muslims. About Mexicans. About refugees. Yet many of these same people have no opinion about mass incarceration. No opinion about pipelines. No opinion about lead infested water. No opinion about racial disparity in this country.
It seriously causes such anger in me. More than my heart can take some days.
But I also know that I'm called to love my enemies.
I'll let you in a little secret....
For me....the enemy isn't Muslims. Isn't Mexicans. Isn't refugees. Isn't blacks. Isn't police.
For me....the enemy is a whole lotta ya'll. Those claiming to LOVE God but really are loving the U.S. more than his Word.
But I believe that I am called to love my enemies. And so believe me, I am working on that. It is my desire to reflect Jesus as best I can with what I have.
But if you see those earrings coming out? I'd just quietly walk away.
That's what I got today.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Not really a new me.....more like a renewed me...
New year!! New me!!!
Isn't that the most common phrase we hear and see all around us as usher out the old and enter into the new?
Or maybe it's...
Out with the old and in with the new!!!
This is going to be my year!!!
Believe me I'm not knocking these sentiments. I've said them. And meant them. But what I see happen all too often....or maybe it's just me....is that life sucks the fervor and passion right out of them.
And suddenly 2017 is full of the same crap, pain and issues as 2016 was. And before you know it....it's December 31st and we're just praying for the ability to put the year behind us and begin the new year with hope and optimism.
What if....
What if it doesn't matter what year it is. It doesn't matter if we're still dealing with old as we enter new. What if this year isn't our year either?
Man. That's depressing.
Or is it???
Why do we wait for something 'special' or 'magical' to happen before we 'get right'??
Why do we think that there needs to be some monumental thing (like the clock striking midnight) for new to begin?
Why do we believe that there needs to be grandiose plans and ideas for change to occur?
I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak for myself.
There's this idea that in our deepest darkest hour we are closest to Christ. That we often forget about him when things are going well and we learn to lean fully on Him as we face storms.
That was true for me for a long time.
But I've discovered a new phenomenon for myself. And it took me pretty much all of 2016 to realize. At some point...this switched for me. And as I've stood in the storms of 2016...I've relied much too heavily on myself.
Don't get me wrong. I've prayed. I've called upon friends to pray.
And I definitely still believe that God is real and there and present...
But I've allowed my intelligence, my strength, my wit, my insight, my whatever....to supercede my full reliance on Him. I've found myself 'orchestrating' and it's something I've never really done. And it has me feeling blechy. What happened to that full reliance? That openness that I do NOT have the answers...
Full reliance.
That He is more than enough.
And regardless of what happens.....who is president....what laws change...what I lose...who hurts me....who lies to me....who discards me....how I stumble....how I'm wronged...how I fail...regardless of all of that....
He makes beautiful things out of dust.
And His beauty isn't man's beauty. It's not a fixed brain or mended marriage...it's not world peace or restoration of justice....it's not pretty endings and plastic dreams...it's not sweet little Christianity...
What if it's people....
open and honest
broken and torn
full of hope in the midst of hopelessness
full of intregrity in the midst of lies
full of love in the midst of hate...
Getting up everyday and making their very best effort....
to live with integrity
to give with no motive
to do without expectation
to hope when it's hopeless
to love with no agenda
So I have no resolutions.
I am not able to resolve much these days.
I can only rediscover my full reliance on a God who loves us. Who is bigger and wider than the box we put Him in. Who is capable of more than we can see and desires us to allow Him full reign.
I'm not one who tosses out scripture like free tshirts at a concert....but there are a few truths that I'm clinging to and challenging myself with for 2017....
He has given me dominion and authority.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
He is for me.
But am I living under His dominion and authority?
But am I under the protection of the shield?
But am I for Him?
I am coming for 2017. But I am not alone.
I'm coming equipped with the Lion of Judah.
So you might want to move around.
That's what I got today.
Isn't that the most common phrase we hear and see all around us as usher out the old and enter into the new?
Or maybe it's...
Out with the old and in with the new!!!
This is going to be my year!!!
Believe me I'm not knocking these sentiments. I've said them. And meant them. But what I see happen all too often....or maybe it's just me....is that life sucks the fervor and passion right out of them.
And suddenly 2017 is full of the same crap, pain and issues as 2016 was. And before you know it....it's December 31st and we're just praying for the ability to put the year behind us and begin the new year with hope and optimism.
What if....
What if it doesn't matter what year it is. It doesn't matter if we're still dealing with old as we enter new. What if this year isn't our year either?
Man. That's depressing.
Or is it???
Why do we wait for something 'special' or 'magical' to happen before we 'get right'??
Why do we think that there needs to be some monumental thing (like the clock striking midnight) for new to begin?
Why do we believe that there needs to be grandiose plans and ideas for change to occur?
I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak for myself.
There's this idea that in our deepest darkest hour we are closest to Christ. That we often forget about him when things are going well and we learn to lean fully on Him as we face storms.
That was true for me for a long time.
But I've discovered a new phenomenon for myself. And it took me pretty much all of 2016 to realize. At some point...this switched for me. And as I've stood in the storms of 2016...I've relied much too heavily on myself.
Don't get me wrong. I've prayed. I've called upon friends to pray.
And I definitely still believe that God is real and there and present...
But I've allowed my intelligence, my strength, my wit, my insight, my whatever....to supercede my full reliance on Him. I've found myself 'orchestrating' and it's something I've never really done. And it has me feeling blechy. What happened to that full reliance? That openness that I do NOT have the answers...
Full reliance.
That He is more than enough.
And regardless of what happens.....who is president....what laws change...what I lose...who hurts me....who lies to me....who discards me....how I stumble....how I'm wronged...how I fail...regardless of all of that....
He makes beautiful things out of dust.
And His beauty isn't man's beauty. It's not a fixed brain or mended marriage...it's not world peace or restoration of justice....it's not pretty endings and plastic dreams...it's not sweet little Christianity...
What if it's people....
open and honest
broken and torn
full of hope in the midst of hopelessness
full of intregrity in the midst of lies
full of love in the midst of hate...
Getting up everyday and making their very best effort....
to live with integrity
to give with no motive
to do without expectation
to hope when it's hopeless
to love with no agenda
So I have no resolutions.
I am not able to resolve much these days.
I can only rediscover my full reliance on a God who loves us. Who is bigger and wider than the box we put Him in. Who is capable of more than we can see and desires us to allow Him full reign.
I'm not one who tosses out scripture like free tshirts at a concert....but there are a few truths that I'm clinging to and challenging myself with for 2017....
He has given me dominion and authority.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
He is for me.
But am I living under His dominion and authority?
But am I under the protection of the shield?
But am I for Him?
I am coming for 2017. But I am not alone.
I'm coming equipped with the Lion of Judah.
So you might want to move around.
That's what I got today.
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