All the Thoughts

I've written a dozen blogs in the last month.
Some too dark to share
Some too sad to bear
Most too harsh to let other see
But each representing the ugly inside of me.

I'm tired of hate
but I fear it in me
The good, bad and ugly
That isn't ceasing to be

Because everyday the divide grows
And I find myself feeling
No feels.

Because people are people
But is that really true
Or are the only people that matter
Those that are like you...

And me,
Those like me?
The latina, the mother,
the believer, the wife
The woman tired of #45
The woman who doesn't
want to give away my rights

To my body, my mind,
My heart or my soul
I don't care 'in what name'
You think you've been told
That you can decide for my reproductive rights

You can't.

50 years ago I could not have married my spouse
5 days ago I feared my son could die for
Being black in this day and in this age
Now my great grandpa would be sent back as we make 'merica great
Tomorrow is not promised but if it was
Would I survive?

My uncle, sweet uncle
Full of shine and delight
A life most would not see with value
but disgust
Dismissing and not seeing
his devotion and love
The beauty inside
That would put most to shame

I see my daughter...full of anger and love
Figuring out how to embrace each day
When each day may not embrace her
My sons full of promise and futures quite bright
Yet having to face a world that sees them and fears
What they might do when they do no wrong
My husband so bold and outspoken about
the injustices he's faced and faces each day
Yet scoffed and dismissed for 'rocking the boat'

I love humanity but I hate it the same
I see beauty around me but often through clouds
I cling to growth but I must search for fruit
Some days I am too tired to fight
Too angry to dwell
And too sad to care

I pray to God to show me how
To love those who are hard to love
To love those who know better
To love those who do not love me
To love myself.

Some days success
And others I fail
I fear neither
Any longer

As I forge on
I will fight the good fight
I will bring pain to light
And focus on the sheep in my care
My husband and children
My family, my loves
The women I cherish
The children in the middle
of my sphere...
And continue to face
The good, the bad and the ugly.

I've written a dozen blogs in the last month.

This is what I've got today.