I am tired of being angry. And yet I have no other emotion for what I feel every time I hear in the news of another young black man being killed. Forgive me today for my anger. I stayed away yesterday. But I have to get it out today.
One more story like so many stories. But...
Some of you need Jordan Edward's story though, right?
Because well, Mike Brown. You know, scary and a thief.
Because well, Eric Garner. You know, scary and selling loosies.
Because well, Oscar Grant. You know, scary and a thug.
But this? Jordan Edwards? Like Tamir Rice right?? I mean so young, just a sad tragedy, was this avoidable?
Well, it's the same ol narrative to a lot of us.
But because your brain won't allow you to fathom a country, a community that is okay with our young black children being punished in school at a higher rate, being incarcerated at a higher rate, being killed by police at a higher rate.....
You get to quickly scan an article and look for the little shred of justification you can cling to so the cop isn't bad and the kid isn't good.
You get to quickly scan an article and decide not to read it because 'it's just too hard'.
You get to quickly scan an article and decide it would be so much better received if the writer wasn't so angry and was willing to see both sides.
You get to ignore.
There is much muck in our world... I fully understand.
Not everything is everyone's cause... I fully understand.
It's hard to relate to things that aren't your reality... I fully understand.
But it's getting harder and harder as a wife of a black man and a mother of black sons (and yes I know they are 25% white and 25% Hispanic but society sees them as black period point blank) to rebound after each new death is brought to light.
It's getting harder and harder to see the Blue Lives Matter posts and watch the videos of fun cops dancing in the streets and white teachers high fiving black students with 'cool' handshakes and pictures of little brown and white babies holding hands with captions 'Hate isn't born it's taught'
AND I DON'T SEE YOU SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING.
So you are small scale, don't want to cloud your social media with difficult and negative things? Ok cool, I understand that.
What friends are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit?
What family are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit? (and I understand there's respect for elders)
What coworkers are you setting straight when they say and do racist shit? And I most definitely mean teachers, medical professionals, social workers, cops, cops, cops, cops.
What inner work are you doing for your own racial biases?
This is a humanity issue. This is NOT just cops NOT doing their job properly.
Murder,
Messy details.
Questionable story.
No charges.
Rarely fired.
Mostly no apologies or accountability.
Back to status quo we go.
I'm tired of that. Exhausted from the whiplash of it.
Do we care? I mean, do we really really care?
Read about Emmett Till. Not just the Wikipedia page. 1955. And then read someone's story from today. Or a year ago. 5 years ago.
Do you think we really care?
My heart aches in unexplainable ways.
My boys are alive and well right now. They are breathing and learning and growing.
But I know they are a New Year's eve away, a stroll home away, a social worker job away, a party away, a street corner away, a traffic stop away, a 'I was afraid and he was aggressive' away.
And please don't comfort me with saying God loves them. They are prayed for. I know this.
God loves every single one of us.
Many of us have people praying for us.
And yet I know they have a higher probability of becoming a hash tag than many of my friend's, family and coworker's sons do.
And I can not and will not stop fighting until change happens.
I can not and will not be quiet so you don't feel so uncomfortable.
I can not and will not paint the pretty picture that it is okay.
Because it's not.
That's what I've got in this moment. And what my heart can no longer hold.
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