Song in my heart.

My brain is on overload. May and June are always crazy months of activity and very little margin.  Almost all of what is occurring is positive...but it still is.

In the midst of this busy time, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. Because I am one who can very easily do all the things for all the people...I've learned over the years that I must take time to pause and reflect, even if it is only for a few moments a day.

Today in the car...a beautiful gospel song I love came on and I cranked the radio and sang out at the top of my lungs. And I kinda just teared up a little as I sang because it hit me that I couldn't remember the last time I sang like that.  Just worshipped God like that.  I've sang of course...but there is something different about being in the presence of God and giving Him all that you have with full abandon.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

Since last fall so much has happened...I've addressed my bipolar which always includes med adjustments, I've been in therapy and we've been in marriage counseling, I've tried to be more conscious of keeping margin, I've allowed myself to have my first group of girlfriends in decades, I've done more reading and writing than I have in years and I've recommitted myself to focusing on myself.

There's an unsettled worry that has permeated my spirit and I still find myself having fear.  I am fighting though because I trust and believe that Christ did not give me a spirit of fear....so I cling to Him that is most high and that helps me get through to the next day, sometimes the next moment.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

In a few months my youngest son leaves for college and my husband and I will be empty nesters. I've shared with him and most close to me, that I am facing this with a little bit of Eeyore worry.  I know all of the wonderful and kind things that so many have told me but. I have LOVED being a mom...maybe more than I have loved being me if I'm honest. And that scares me because as I rediscover myself...what if I don't fit anymore?  As I begin to pursue my dreams and reach my goals....what will I leave behind?

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

My lack of motivation lately has been frustrating for me. I'm normally a function at 200% kind of person and so this newfound ability to veg out and do nothing is irritating. It's not a peaceful and restful rest state of being...it's more of a too lazy to get moving state of being. While I understand this quite possibly be a side effect of my medication...it still frustrates me.  It's not the kind of thing I can pretend isn't so...I've NEVER believed in 'fake it until you make it'...so I've been leaning into it and am finally finding myself coming out of the fog.

I haven't had a song in my heart.
And that's ok.

Today I had a hard day. My work day was ridiculously busy after 5 days away...my brain was feeling jumbled and full of details and my anxiety was bubbling.

And in the midst of that.

My heart found a song.
And it was lovely and it felt like home.

That's what I got today.