Chapter 16

So some of you who've been reading for awhile might know that awhile back my therapist had me read Codependent No More. Because I truly believe that, for me at least, it's a work in progress...I occasionally need to revisit the book from time to time.

Today I settled on Chapter 16 'Set Your Own Goals' and it speaks to the fact that many who are in the throws of codependency do not or have not set goals. The odd thing, though is that we might not even realize that we have not been setting goals because we've made other's goals our goals.

With regards to goal setting the author writes:
'Many codependents don't know this joy,. I spent many years of my life not even bothering to think about what I wanted and needed, where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I wasn't interested in my life, expect as an appendage to other people. I didn't think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too busy reacting, rather than acting.'

I can relate to this. 

Don't get me wrong....it's not that I've never set A goal in the recent past....I've made goals with regards to writing, weight loss....but it's been quite some time since I've had a burning passion.

I do believe that this is because really the past 20 years were spent focusing on my husband and my children. And this was good. And I really enjoyed it.  And I wouldn't change it. My daughter had dance, girl scouts, summer camp, choir, weekends with her dad, the boys had sports and sports and sports, my husband had school, ministry and coaching. I helped orchestrate it all and hold down the fort. I do not regret being there and putting my focus there. I really don't. It was a privileged part of my journey that makes me smile even now as I think about it.

I am an incredible cheerleader.

I just forgot to cheer for myself.  And I'm both excited and nervous about moving into this phase.

My husband and kids are always encouraging me to try new things, to go out and do for myself.  My hesitancy has been a little about fear of failure, but it's mostly been about concern that I wouldn't be available if they needed me.

And part of the codependency mess in my mind.....is that I am valuable to them only by what I can provide for them, do for them, or how I care of them....rather than just for being me. So I make myself fully available, put myself on hold...and then the lack of goals and dreams of my own lead to a lack of self worth and the inability to love myself fully.

It's a vicious cycle.

Because as I lose myself....I'm not even realizing it....because I am so focused on others. And as I focus so much on others....I fear that if I venture out to pursue myself I will lose them.

And here's the really messy part in the midst of this. I do believe that God love me deeper than I can imagine. I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That He delights in me.  Most days I feel this love in real and deep ways that keep me afloat and draw me close to Him. 

But some days...the deceiver whispers in my ear......

That the kids are grown and all away....and they don't need me or my influence in their lives anymore.
That my husband is pursuing great things...and we'll drift apart without the connection of co-parenting together.
That things I try will fail because I most certainly don't have the skills, gifts and abilities I had when I was younger.

Those days? Those moments? I'm learning to stop and shut that out.  To take a deep breath and remind myself of my worth.  To remind myself of the goals I have for myself and that I am capable of accomplishing much. That I exist outside of my family and my job.

I am learning that this next stage of life is going to be full of new chapters.
I am also learning that this is good. 

I am ready for the joy of setting goals for myself, that I can pursue and accomplish just because I want to. It doesn't matter if it's a simple goal to walk everyday for a month or a big goal to go back to college.  Both have value. Because both are pushing me to achieve a goal and focus on myself.

I don't know where you are at. If you struggle with issues of codependency or not, but know that you matter.  The you that exists outside of your roles. The you that is deep inside of you and maybe has been on a shelf for awhile. Bring that you out and allow he or she to thrive and achieve.

It's time.

That's what I got today.