Tired. And enraged.

A few days ago it was announced that the officer that killed Philando Castile was acquitted.

We were getting ready to celebrate my youngest's son's graduation that day with a pool party--friends and family---LOTS of fun and laughter---and a divided heart.  So I pushed my anger, sadness and despair DEEEEEP into my psyche so that I could properly celebrate my son.

For those who don't know, I have three black sons. Yes they have Mexican and white heritage as well....but guess what, society sees them as black. And they, for the most part, identify as black.

So every time I read another article, hear another news story, shed another tear...I am constantly reminded that.....that could be my son.

And when I post that fear....I am really, really tired of white people I know telling me that I don't have to worry about that because

'your boys aren't trouble makers'
'your boys wouldn't put themselves in that position'
'your boys were raised right'
'your boys know how to act'

And the next day was Father's Day and so I kept all that anger, sadness and despair pressed DEEEEEEP into my psyche still so that I could properly celebrate my husband.

For those who don't know, my husband is black.  And he is a hard worker, intelligent, thoughtful, and a great father to our sons and father figure to dozens more.

So it's also incredibly frustrating to hear all the stereotypes, read all the memes, listen to all the blanket statements made about black men--specifically black fathers.

And when I post about that frustration....I am really, really tired of white people I know telling me that

'Blue Lives Matter'
'you got one of the good ones'
'statistics don't lie'
'of course cops are afraid'

To all of that bullshit I want to scream 'SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU IGNORANT, BLIND AND FOOLISH IDIOT!!!!  HOW CAN YOU STILL REFUSE TO HAVE YOUR EYES OPENED?!?'

But I don't.

At least not out loud.

For anyone who still attempts to hang onto the thought that there is no racial divide in this country, I am wondering how do they explain....

Not just that a cop killed Philando Castile....but why isn't the NRA in an uproar that a LEGAL gun owner's rights were violated and his life taken while exerting HIS LEGAL AMERICAN right and nobody is responsible?

Not just that a cop killed Tamir Rice....but why aren't parent groups OUTRAGED that a middle school aged boy was gunned down on a playground IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and nobody is responsible?

Not just that a cop killed Walter Scott...but why there aren't other officers stepping up to speak against a cop that would gun down a man running away, with no weapon; to set the record straight that this isn't standard procedure?


The truth is.

I'm tired. As much as I am enraged.

I'm tired of encouraging people to read Shaun King. I'm tired of suggesting people watch 13th.  I'm tired of the same conversations and tired of the same responses.

I'm tired of a society that does not value my son's or husband's lives.  And continues to show that by not holding the officer's accountable who take the lives of those like them. 

I'm tired of having to pretend I don't see, hear or know the deep, UGLY racist ass comments people say...but I have to pretend or I'd be sitting in Taycheedah.

But how dare I get tired.  Because as tired as I get...being the mother and wife of black men does not give me some kind of pass....if I'm not daily self checking my own biases and hatred....then I'm part of the problem.


Michael Brown wasn't innocent enough? Eric Garner either?
Tamir had a toy gun...so maybe there was reason?
Walter why did you run....Oscar couldn't you just shush?
I mean, what other choice was there? What else could they have done?
Please don't forget Sandra and most recently Charleena
Stories that don't add up....right? Do we care what's the reason?
And Philando....traffic stop gone wrong....what?
Please don't believe those tired old lines...
Used to justify and twist the truth so we don't believe what
we see with our own eyes.
We say---black man, don't be afraid of cops...but
make sure you say everything right
obey every command because you must MORE than comply
because we know the truth....if THEY  say they are afraid-
They will get away with murder.

That's what I got today.