As I sat in my house today listening to my husband and sons talking, bantering, laughing...about girls and sports and college and girls...occasionally having the opportunity to interject into the conversation I thought about my life since Jordyn left for college in 2009. Other than occasional times that my lil cousin Alyssa lived with us...I have been the only female in our home. This gives me great joy, but also sometimes leaves me rather lonely and feeling like an outsider.
And it's hard really, because I LOVE that my guys get along, enjoy doing things together. I LOVE that my husband is involved and fully a part of parenting. I LOVE that my boys respect him and his opinion. I wouldn't want those things to change for anything. To bring anything up with regards to this is awkward and often makes us all uncomfortable. It makes them feel pressure and like they've done something wrong. Like they can't be themselves. It makes me feel guilty that I've somehow ruined the party. Often times it's easier to just sit quietly, smile and listen or find something else to do.
A few days ago two friends of the boys came for dinner. Young ladies who have become close to the family. I think they were slightly in shock at the pandemonium that is our home. Playful kidding that becomes arguing, light taps that turn into right hooks, conversation that somehow always returns to sports and stats. At one point one of the girls said, 'How do you survive?' It was said, 'Come to dinner once a week so she has someone to talk to. I laughed but a small part of me felt sad for some reason.
At work I'm often teased that it's easy to tell that I spend a lot of time around boys because of my brass humor, quick wit and reactions to situations. Soaked up all that testosterone is how it was explained I believe. It makes me glad that I've loosened up some and can be 'one of the boys' but it makes me miss those girly girl times too.
Earlier this week I had to mail off a questionnaire to someone I am mentoring about me. One of the questions was to write down three dreams that I have. And every single thing that I came up with was a dream I have for Marlon...or for the kids. For a moment I thought...well, that's a good thing. It means I'm invested in their goals, I'm concerned about helping them reach for the sky but it also made me sad to think that somehow I've lost part of me.
I found myself feeling frustrated. Like what big life dreams are there that I set aside and need to pick back up. What have I been missing out on? My husband and kids are involved in activities, how come I'm not? Will I even know myself when all of the kids are gone? Will my hubby still love me? Will he want to spend time with me? What do I have to offer other than being a wife and mother?
This then moved to thinking....maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe in motherhood and 'wifedom', when we love hard and give fully...we do get lost for a little bit. Maybe our goals should be their goals. Maybe our free time should be focused on them. And maybe it just is what it is. Not anything that anyone is doing wrong.
Part of who I am is a wife. Part of who I am is a mom. And that doesn't negate other facets of me. But I've CHOSEN to make them priorities. I've CHOSEN to set aside some of my own dreams so that I can be involved in theirs. Not in a martyr way...but in a self sacrificial way. While I might wish I could sit at the spa all day or dinner with the girls or reading the newest book or wandering through a museum in the moment....I wouldn't want to miss a minute of this life. This reality. Football stories, track stats, off color jokes, feeling occasionally left out and all.
I'm still me. Just not the me I was. And I'm okay with that.
That's what I got today.
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