There are times I don’t write because the things that are in my heart and deep in my subconscious seem too dark or morbid or angry to put on paper. For the most part I don’t worry about what other people think… But I must admit that sometimes even I am caught off guard by the anguish that pours out of my soul. But yesterday I was talking with my husband about the dream I had. It was the kind of thing that has crossed my mind before and that I most likely would’ve held inside because I would’ve felt it was too horrific to say out loud or share with others.
I find myself in a space right now where I am going to need to start sharing those thoughts… Those dreams…those fears. Because the weight of the world is harsh in my shoulders. I know that it shouldn’t and many often tell me that I need to do a better job of letting things go or I need to not obsess about the things I have no control over. And I know they mean well they do and they are worried about my psyche, I get it. But I have found that it does not matter, even when I try they permeate my head so I’m going to try instead to put them on paper. If they’re too dark and painful for others to read... if it makes them uncomfortable then maybe this will just be for me. Because this really is just what I got today.
The dream begins with someone I love so much being murdered by a cop. Pulled over for something in-coincidental or nonexistent and ending with their blood being spilled. All of the horrific things you might imagine would happen...happen. The hashtags, the viral video, the lack of charges, my wailing. In the midst of the marches and all of the Thoughts and prayers posts… I am planning a funeral. I start to think of all of the people I know… Random acquaintances, coworkers, fb friends, some friends some family… Who have at one time thought ‘all lives DO matter’ or ‘why didn’t he just comply’ or ‘he just made a mistake’ or ‘he feared for his life’. And I begin to seethe.
And in the dream as the day approaches, I make it quite clear that not a single one of those people will be allowed at the funeral. Some close to me and upset by this fact try to tell me that I need to let people grieve and say their goodbye-that it isn’t right of me to deny them the chance to come. But I do not falter because I know that I will not have peace and cannot allow my spirit to be disrupted by their presence. So the day comes and I hire security and I gave them a list and pictures of all of the people who are not allowed inside. And they are turned away. And many are upset. And many think I am wrong and mean and selfish. And I do not care.
All I can think is how many times my heart is broken for other mothers and wives who have been through what I am going through. And how many of these folks who are being turned away have at some point thought I have been silly For the fear I have shared that I feel. And I have no feelings left to feel anything for them.
I wake up sweaty and full of tears. And I take a deep breath and remind myself it is only a dream.But my soul is disturbed and I know there will be no more sleep this night. So I share it. Because my soul cannot bear it.
That’s what I’ve got today.
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