Almost 2018.

I've been pretty reflective this past week or so. I mean aren't we all at this time of year really? It's really not something 'special' but as this has been a year of great transition in my family and personal life...I realize that I've learned much to carry with me into 2018. And also what I'm letting go before the clock strikes midnight.

What I've learned is that I held so much of my identity in motherhood. I mean, let's be honest, I knew that of course....but to have the day to day 'mom'ing gone...I realized just how lost I was.  And I had grandiose plans for the days and months after the BABY headed off in August...but 4 months later, I've accomplished very few of them. (getting more sleep might be one of the only plans I've held to)  I was worried that this would be a great disappointment to myself...but I've come to accept that I think I needed these 4 months to almost detox in a way. Instead of jumping right into all of the plans I had for myself....I realized that I needed to rest. Rest my brain, my heart and my busy way of living.

What I've learned is that I will likely always need to be on medicine to treat my bipolar disorder. And I am ok with that and I embrace it. It is NOT my identity. But it is a piece of who I am and how I function. And who I am and how I function are both 'better' (hate that word but it fits sometimes) when I am honest and open about the limitations that I have if I am not taking medicine. This is not something that I am going to hide from. 

What I've learned is that I value my husband and my marriage more today than I did early on. Because I had a daughter when we met and well, we had kids together before we were married....we never did 'marriage' without being parents. Taking time to be in therapy together...taking time to truly learn and continue to learn who the other is....taking time to listen and rebuild. These things have given us new life. We are imperfect. But we are together. And we are going to continue to fight and hold on and enjoy our moments. And we are going to remember and cherish those that have passed. And we are going to rediscover 'we'.

What I've learned is that I am 100% okay being angry with people who refuse to learn and grow and listen to understand. I am okay walking away from willful ignorance and embracing my mindset of 'we can be casual but we can't be close. I am okay with letting you be you....but believe me, I am not about to stop being me.

What I'm letting go of? 

Falsehood.

Pretending.

Worrying.

That's it really.  I'm focused on actively laying those things down.

What I'm moving toward?

Freedom & Faith

Love & Light

There is much work to do. We are broken and ugly.  And I want to continue to do it. And I will grow weary and disillusioned by people. But I will also be lifted and carried by people.  

There is much work to do.

It's almost 2018. 

Ready? Go.

That's what I got today.