Fix Me.

I love Psalm 139.  I read through it from time to time because it is such a clear reminder to me of God's covering of my life...of His divine position as my Creator and Protector. But the final two verses always resonate with me....I lived a lot of my life hidden.  It probably didn't seem that way because of my outgoing personality and gregarious nature...but who I really was...hidden. When I was around 25 or 26, I found out who Jesus was and what it meant to follow Him. That is was a way of living I wanted to follow after.  That helped bring out who I really was and being able to more openly live authentically.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

The first time I shared some of my testimony in a group I remember being so hesistant and well, scared actually.  I had been promiscuous, drank, smoked weed, lied...was bulimic...had children before marriage...so many things. And as my life slowly began to transform...many of those, what I felt were, "big" sin issues fell away. Even the pain of enduring them softened. And much of the internal war that waged was silenced at their removal from my soul.

I was thinking the other day that I've been a follower of Jesus for just about 20 years. Holy crap. How did that happen!!  And I experience Him daily....even if I don't acknowledge that.  Because He never leaves my side.

And I continue to be challenged and encouraged by the scripture above...because I am not perfect. And the haters and shade throwers can easily dismiss "Ohhhh....so you're perfect now?"  "Oh, where's your God now?"  But they don't understand.  It's because I'm not perfect that I need Him. And He's never far from me, but I sure do wander from Him.  I don't want to follow fast after Him to prove anything to anyone. That's not authentic or real. That's performance driven faith. I want to fall on my face and seek Him because it's the only option that makes sense. Because my heart is not whole if it's not fixed on Him.  And I need to share and live that authentically because it is how He gets the glory.

When I'm wrong Lord, correct me.
When I've strayed, get me back in line.
When my focus drifts off of you, direct me.
When my heart wanders, fill it with your goodness.

Grievous way.  What grieves God?

My sin.  I almost feel that's too simple to just toss out there.  We must name it.  Own it. Allow ourselves to see it.  

 What is sin?  Anything we SAY, THINK or DO that displeases Him.  To me?  That is deep.  Because that is a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg list!!  It's not just my actions that cross the line...it's also my thoughts and words that are dishonoring to my Lord. Audience of One.

And while I do not think that we are meant to be slaves to our sin, meant to be held back by the reality of our sin or mean to stay stuck in self hate for sinning....I also don't think it's God honoring to gloss over our sin, like we somehow 'arrive' at a place where since the BIG sins are gone...how bad could we really be?  While I know that God can and does remove things from our lives....I don't believe we ever fully 'arrive'.

I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with God.
I don't want to ever get so comfortable that I stop seeking His face.

Fix me Jesus.