So tonight I had a facial/makeover from a Mary Kay consultant. I was hesitant to go. I sold Mary Kay about 10 years ago and actually did pretty well at it for what little effort I put into it....lol....so I really wasn't expecting to care so much about tonight. Figured I'd help out the consultant who invited me, probably decide to go to another night and bring a few friends (because you get more free that way you know) and then that would be the end of it.
As far as my relationship with Mary Kay goes....that is likely the extent of what will come from tonight.
But.
Something else occurred tonight.
I realized that somewhere in the last few years...I stopped caring for myself physically.
Somewhere between the cleanser and foundation and mascara (which apparently made my eyes POP) I saw a little twinkle that I haven't seen in a long time.
Don't get me wrong...throughout the past few years I've had days were I felt attractive, you know those days we have sometimes where our hair looks just right, our skin is clear, we're rested and feeling energized....but that's been by default I think and not because of any intentional care that I've given myself.
There have been seasons in my life where I've suffered from depression. At times to the point of not being able to get out of bed without assistance. To the point of needing medication to make it through the days and take care of the kids. During those times I definitely did not care for myself or my health or my appearance.
These last few years though...there hasn't been any big struggle with that.
And yet somehow, in a very gradual way, I stopped caring.
In 2008 I lost almost 60 lbs. That is the last time that I can remember really being attentive to myself physically in any significant way. I also remember being incredibly frightened because I suffered from an eating disorder from the ages of 15-25 and didn't want to fall back into old patterns. I also found myself beginning to care almost too much about my appearance and as someone who used to thrive on the attention of the opposite sex and the power that my looks would have on them and that totally freaked me out. So honestly? I think I sabotaged myself.
And somehow in the midst of the last four years...craziness with Marlon's unemployment, Jordyn heading to college, taking care of my cousin Rosie in the last months of life, caring for my little cousin off and on, a job that quite honestly almost consumed me alive and juggling the household & the boys...I stopped caring.
Because of past spiritual warfare...I've stayed pretty armored up emotionally and mentally. I think that I concentrated my efforts of survival in those areas. I've had tremendous growth and can see over the past few years the many ways that God has brought me through storm after storm after storm. It's been amazing to experience the wonderful lessons that God has taught me. Even when there were times of heartache walking through them, over and over He's been so faithful. I know that I've matured much in my understanding and obedience to Him.
But I stopped caring what I looked like. And I stopped caring what I ate. And I stopped caring how I felt physically.
And tonight. Through a silly party that I almost didn't go to because I was so tired....I cared for the first time. In a long time.
And I felt that tug on my heart like I always do when God's getting ready to bring me to another level. I'm not sure what it looks like and yet I know I'm supposed to care.
It's time.
And when it's time, He always shows me the way and gives me the strength to do it.
That's what I got today.
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