Damaged....

I have been married over 14 years.  It's been the most wonderful and difficult relationship I've ever been in.  I had always dreamed and planned on being married.  The thought of being a wife was special to me.

Looking back on relationships that I had prior to my husband...it's quite amazing that I'm sitting here; full of love and content with my life...with the strong, loyal, patient bear I'm married to sleeping upstairs.

I made so many mistakes.

I gave away myself without regard for the cost.
I pretended to be someone I wasn't to make someone happy.
I withheld my love.
I refused to be vulnerable.
I chose men who did not care about me.
I chose men who were not healthy.
I chose men who were selfish.
I was selfish.
I was immature.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was not a believer so I didn't have a biblical foundation to pattern my steps after.  I did have loving parents and they had a great marriage.  But there was also much brokenness of love around me.  There was a world beckoning me to give in and give it up.

I put up with things that nobody should ever put up with from a boyfriend.  I lied to and WAS lied to. I used my sexuality to control.  I allowed myself to be controlled.

So much damage.

I was a damaged girl.  Danity Kane had this song out called, Damaged.  The chorus says, 'I thought that I should let you know that my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged...and you can blame the one before, so how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it.'  I remember once telling my sons that if they met a girl like that to RUN, RUN, RUN...lol.  But I guess if someone had told Marlon that we wouldn't be together!

Here's the thing.

I brought that damage into my marriage.  And it hurt it.  Sometimes, it STILL hurts it.  It is hard work to put the past in it's proper place.  It took a lot of time to forgive myself.  

God is so loving.  And faithful.  He never fails and always sustains.

And for every lie I was told.  He shows me the truth.
For every immoral act..  He created me new.
For every weak, broken action.  He patterns me in His likeness.
For every hurt.  He is joy.

His son died on a cross for every sin, every condemnation, every wicked way in me.  Through His sacrifice I can live eternally in Heaven.  His word is my living word and I have helper in the Holy Spirit

I am no longer that damaged young woman.
I left her at the cross.

She is a part of who I was but she does not determine who I am.


That's what I got today.