But there is a negative to fall. For as long as I can remember....as I head into fall....I am fighting the cyclical battle of depression. I was diagnosed around 17 years ago with Bipolar II disorder. After many many years of self strategies and holistic ways of treating this, last year I knew I needed more intensive treatment. And beginning medication again just about a year ago has helped that tremendously. When I think of where I was a year ago heading into October....where my emotions were on a roller coaster and my mind was jumbled...I know I am in a much better place. I do not cycle to manic phases in the same way....in the same pattern. Much of my reality is spent in what I think of as neutral and the waves of depression and anxiety wash over me. Most times I am able to stand against the waves...sometimes the current takes me under.
I choose to share the things I share about my mental health--not for the nosy people to raise their eyebrows and say, 'Ohhhhhhhhh.' (even though I know that will happen, it's all good, some people have boring lives) I share the things I share about my mental health--to normalize it, to be out loud, to take away stigma, to bring awareness. Mental illness is real. And it not something we need to hide away and pretend isn't there. My hope is that if you have a diagnosis of Bipolar that you will give it the attention that it needs....and if you love someone with Bipolar you might understand them better.
Even with being in a rather stable place lately, if I look back over the last few weeks...I know that there's still some of the 'normal' fall gunk permeating my heart....clouding my mind...and I am fighting again. It's so hard to explain to others. I know it must get confusing at times for my close friends, for my family, for my husband. The internal battle that they might not fully understand, that I try to explain. How can someone seem so together and yet not? How can someone seem so confidant and insecure at the same time? How can someone have such a distorted view of self? That is Bipolar. It robs you of security and swings you back and forth between all of your emotions. It makes you doubt everything you think you know.
But we are more than our diagnosis. We are more than a label. Nobody is just right, nobody has it all together. We all struggle differently....we all have areas in our lives that are not perfect. Some of us just have a name that's been tacked on.
I used to have people in my life that made me feel like if I just focused on Christ enough....I wouldn't cycle to depression. That if I said the right formula of prayer that I wouldn't cycle to depression. That if my faith was grounded enough that I wouldn't cycle to depression. I know that I bought into that. It's what caused me to survive without medication for so long. And it's what also caused me to want to hide my diagnosis. Now, I see having bipolar as this. It is a reality that is, but it does not define me. I must be vigilant and diligent. Vigilant in allowing myself to learn all of the idiosyncrasies of this disease and diligent to care for myself so I can be as healthy as possible.
So you might wonder how I can know that I am fighting the spiral of depression. There are a lot of signs and they vary among people, but for me? I become aware of the following things first: I lack energy and have decreased activities levels all while having extreme sleeping problems. I begin to forget things--even words as I am saying them and it is difficult to concentrate. I often find myself worrying about things and lacking self confidence. I become easily overwhelmed, especially with decisions and doubt myself--even my value.
Different things can be helpful treatment for this. And each of us are different. What works for one person might not work for another. For me, I've found that there are several things needed in order for me to be as healthy as possible. Medication is key. It keeps my brain firing as properly as possible. Therapy at different times in my life has been life saving. Being able to process with an 'outsider' is very healthy. Self strategies have been extremely helpful. Knowing your triggers and how to work through your emotions is important. For me that is often writing and getting out all of the crap that is inside of me. Taking every ugly, painful thought that wants to permeate my mind and writing it down helps me not just process but move beyond the mess. Meditating and prayer are effective ways of staying calm and focused and finally singing fills my heart with joy and that helps combat the sad.
Today in church, I had the privilege to help lead worship and one of the songs was perfect timing as a reminder for me. The chorus says, 'You're a good, good God, it's who you are, it's who you, it's who you are and I'm loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.'
I am grateful that I have a very supportive husband and family as well as close friends. Who help me process and allow me space when I need it. Who might not always know what to say or how to help but who do not judge me. They understand that Bipolar disorder is not who I am...it is simply something I have. I am more than my diagnosis.
I am loved.
And that's all I need today.
No comments:
Post a Comment