Back to 'normal'........

I've refrained from writing...really have been unable to....because I have been having quite the past few weeks.

If you've had to deal with meds and finding the right 'formula' for your ___________ (insert diagnosis here) then you know that sometimes things aren't that good. Or easy.

Many know that I am Bipolar II and last fall, after over a DECADE of being off of meds and following a natural, rhythm way of managing it, I went back on meds.  A few people have asked how I knew I needed to go back on meds.  I don't have a very clinical answer for that.

When you know you know.  It's just a matter of whether or not you are going to follow through on what you know.

Psych eval. Check.
Meds. Check.]
Personal therapy. Check.
Marriage therapy. Check. 

Life, my mood and my brain started functioning a little more "normal"....whatever that means. The older I get the more I am convinced we are all a little crazy in our own way.  We just don't all claim it.

In February I went for a psych follow up and my Dr. tweaked my meds. Very normal procedure. Things seem to be working, it's been a few months, let's play a little with the dose to see if we can maximize the effects.

But a couple weeks in.....things went awry.  Quickly.

Almost out of the blue....I had almost no short term memory. To the point of forgetting words as I was talking.  I couldn't read. It took incredible concentration to focus on the next word. I couldn't focus. I can be easily distracted...but this was to the extreme.  And my anxiety was on 10. 

I tried to fight through it.
I tried to ignore it.
I tried to accept it.

Then I decided to call my Dr. and ask to be seen as soon as possible.

What an amazing gift it was that he was able to make an opening that same day.

And he calmly let me know that there is a small percentage of people on the med that I take that cannot tolerate a higher dose for the exact reason of the symptoms I was experiencing.  So he switched it back down and told me to give it a week or so.

And.

I'm slowly settling back into my 'normal'. 



Here's a myth about people who live with bipolar disorder.
We can control it.

Here's another.
We are all the same.

It is a disease.  And it can affect your brain and thus your moods in debilitating ways.

For me, I've learned I can't control it.  As I mentioned above....for years and years I wasn't on meds and I used a holistic rhythm approach to managing it.  I'm not saying that didn't have some 'success' but looking back, quite honestly I think I just set up safety nets to protect myself during those manic and depressive episodes. But the reality is that Bipolar is unpredictable.  You can cycle back and forth and you can also experience long periods of time, years even, with no episodes. So maybe I just went that long without an episode.

While it's never really been a secret that I have a diagnosis of Bipolar II....it also hasn't been something I've broadcasted either.  I normally don't really like embracing labels so I think I've hesitated to speak on it.  Also the negative stigma of bipolar disorder is rampant and I am not always patient with educating others.

But through this last manic episode I knew it was time to come out of the shadows.  For myself, but for anyone else that it might help. My husband knows and loves me. My kids know and love me. My parents, sister and nieces know and love me. My dear sweet prayer warrior sisters know and love me.

And I know.
And while it's been an on again, off again love affair.....

I love me.


That's what I got today.