I've been thinking a lot lately about being a believer of Jesus Christ and just what that means to me and the journey I've taken to get this place I am right now.
I didn't grow up a Christian and was okay with that.
I went to CCD and memorized the Lord's Prayer and the Beatitudes (which coincidentally I didn't realize were actual SCRIPTURE until well into my 20s.) I actually wrote a letter about why I shouldn't be confirmed because I didn't think an old man overseas was the end all (my deepest apologies to my grandma and the Pope) Even through all of that....I prayed because I did believe in God and I could sense and feel his presence in my life.
And then I spent most of my life living wild, reckless and free.
From 15-24 I dabbled, redabbled and outright submerged myself in bulimia, alcohol, an intense year of weed, promiscuity, compulsive shopping, extreme type A behavior and pride. (looking back this was the groundwork for my manic episodes....but who knew that then.)
There were several moments of amazing grace in my life during that time....
I discovered my talents for dance and singing and acting.
I graduated from high school and college.
I left an abusive relationship.
I lived through a suicide attempt.
I made it through numerous relationships---some quite nice and others horrific with very little collateral damage.
And I helped create one of the very best human beings I know....Jordyn Ashley.
This caused me to slow down greatly and even stop many of the unhealthy behaviors I was engaging in. I hate that phrase by the way, 'unhealthy behaviors' it's way to cliché for my liking. Actually I probably hate it more because of it's truth.
Then I met my now hubby, Marlon and the evangelical church and Jesus and the bible. Oh, and helped create three more of the very best human beings I know....Isaiah Luis, Elijah Otha and Israel Dale. Nobody is perfect of course. But honestly? They are incredibly special humans.
I Became a Christian and wasn't sure I wanted to be one.
Marlon and I joined a church in 1997 and got married in 1998. I liked the constant he and the church brought to my life and my jumbled brain.
And I was suddenly becoming a Christian woman. Or Woman of God. Or Bible Study Girl. Take your pick. Whichever one, I was becoming the kind of woman who carried a bible in a cute cover with highlighters, drank lattes, listened to K-Love, ended emails with 'In His Name' and even worked at a frickin church!
This was not an easy transition although it was quick. Marlon began to teach and preach and minister. He grew up in the household of one of the most beautiful Jesus lovers I have ever (and probably will ever) know, Granny. So his transition back to church and God and the bible was pretty seamless.
I still wanted to have a few drinks, pout a little and binge and purge on occasion. And I most CERTAINLY did not want to be married to a pastor, or deacon or minister---whatever the heck that even was. And it soon became apparent to me that I was nothing like many of the other women that I saw around me.
The next 15 years was an amazing time of growth and stagnancy...of joy and sorrow....of lifting my voice in song and hanging my head in tears....of serving to the point of exhaustion and hiding in the pew hoping nobody saw me. I had many amazing friendships and beautiful prayer sisters who saw me through some horrible seasons. I encountered miracles---in many different facets of our life. I also doubted the intense clarity so many had about their faith and the 'right' way of dealing with the many daily life struggles and realities I saw around me.
I loved Jesus. And I tried to be obedient to all of the rules and nuances the churches I belonged to were telling me I needed to be. We tried to follow these in our marriage and we tried to adhere them in our home. This was good. And. Also not so much.
I was finally free of so many deep dark clouds and secrets that plagued my soul. I was learning how to be a woman my husband could be proud of. I sang to my kids and threw myself into being the best mother I could. I am proud of these things and do not take that for granted.
His unending, undying, no limit LOVE is what I am actually after.
It was about 3 years ago that I fully realized that I had a very very different perspective of what it meant to be a Christian than the evangelicals around me. I never really used 'evangelical' to describe myself--remember I hate labels--but looking back? That's what I was. Well, more than anything else. But I always kind of knew I did "God and Jesus" differently. I didn't wear shoes in church. I sometimes swore. I did not like catch phrases or trendy speakers or authors. Once in a while I threatened to take off my earrings. Women who smiled sweetly a lot and told me God was in control made me uncomfortable. And I began to doubt...not in God or the amazing love and sacrifice of Christ...but in how humans were living it out.
I knew myself. And I knew that I could not be bullied into staying stagnant and staying where I wasn't supposed to be, professing things I didn't believe in. This meant leaving people, churches, my job even.
I was pro choice. Not pro abortion so please no hate mail. But I truly and honestly believe that women are full fledged people who have full authority to make decisions for their life. Even ones that I might not make.
I do not believe in the death penalty. I'm not saying I can't understand why many desire it's existence but I can't hang for one main reason. We have an incredibly jacked up, racist criminal justice system in our country.
I do not believe in 'let go and let God'. I believe He has made us in His image and allows us to have relationship with him. Relationships have two active partners. So I don't get to just sit back and 'watch him work'. He's not my servant. Not that kind any way.
I believe that homosexuals have the right to marry. That transgender men and women should use the bathroom they identify with. I believe that 'we' (meaning Christians) do not have the ability to proclaim we know everything about what and who God condones. If we do? Hi Pharisee.
I have much to learn because the next phase of my following fast after Jesus journey is leading me to deeeeeeep bible study. Not the topical kind of study that convicts me and reminds me to pray (although that is important and necessary and good.)
I know very little and am certain of less. But what I do know?
Jesus loves. And he commands us to love. Jesus entered into people's lives. And he sat beside them asking questions to build relationship.
Jesus didn't give all the answers. He asked the questions to lead us to the answers. And those closet to Him didn't know what he meant all of the time.
God is mysterious and vast and more powerful and majestic than I could ever even imagine. If I believe that it true....how dare I try to claim or transcribe to a tribe that claims to have all the knowledge and answers to all the questions?? Usually that means they have the answers to the questions they've decided to ask and they've decided they are willing to die on. So they take those scriptures very very seriously and do not deviate. The others....well, that's open to interpretation. (Exhibit A. sex out of wedlock vs. women wearing earrings)
Love is not easy. It is messy and often ugly. It is uncomfortable.
And loving EVERYONE? Well, really Lord, couldn't you just have told us to hang by our toenails once a day and three times on Sunday?
I have no answers for you. I have no formula. And I am not trying to trick anyone into following me. Seriously, enjoy my company if you like, you might glean a thing or two, and you will definitely laugh because despite my children's opinions...I am hilarious! I do this with others and it is so good and wise to broaden our perspectives and horizons by those that are not like us...but do NOT think I can tell you how to figure it out because I don't have it figured out. You have to do your work.
As I am continuing to do mine.
That's what I've got today.
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