Breaking Patterns

I was reading different articles regarding PTSD, mental/emotional abuse and physical abuse.  I do this from time to time as a part of my healing.

The abusive relationship I was in prior to my marriage still affects me to this day.  I have come such a long way in recognizing the polarizing ways it has affected my thinking, my behavior, my relationships. I discovered early on that you can be a "strong" person--capable of helping others--capable of handling life--capable of loving deeply and still have so so many things to work through.

When something is embedded in your brain, your psyche...I've learned that even when you have made strides in overcoming it....there are times that you fall back into patterns.  I can't say for everyone what might cause this.  I know for myself it happens when I'm tired, feeling insecure or unsafe, or I've experienced a trigger.  I don't know if this is something that will ever go away.  But I know that I've learned to try and "catch" myself and redirect my thinking sooner than I used to.

Here are some behaviors of someone who has experienced abuse.

-constantly apologizes
-hides feelings in fear of upsetting other people
-may break down during small disagreements
-needs a lot of reassurance
-doubts worth and value

At any time...these can quickly fall back into unhealthy patterns for me. 

And the difficult part is, that in the warped thinking occurring at the time...you really believe that these behaviors are warranted because of the 'other' person.  However, when the relationship or situation where these behaviors were warranted no longer exists....the 'other' person is just a phantom that continues to haunt you.

I guess I'm writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  Self disclosure is incredibly healing for me..it helps to get it out from the shadows of my soul. If sharing can help someone identify some of their own 'stuff'...what a gift...for them and for me.  If someone recognizes someone they love?  They might learn to love them better.

When you are safe.  Gone from the abusive person, situation, event...take inventory and if any of the above behaviors seem to haunt you...have crept into your current life...or maybe never left...these reminders might be helpful.  Please know, these are not meant to be seen as easy fixes or fool proof ways of getting over your PTSD....but simple thinking that has helped and continues to help reshape my mind and heart.

Do not apologize.  For your opinion. For not meeting someone's expectation of you. For choosing differently than the majority. For existing.
Do not hide your feelings.  Or fake them for that matter.  If you are angry, you are angry. If you are sad, you are sad. If you have joy, have your joy.
Do not make little things big.  Some things are big. Don't minimize. But the reverse of that is also true. A small disagreement...is not going to lead to physical abuse. You are safe now.
Do not seek validation from others.  Find your voice.  And use it.  Find what is for you and what is not. Strive daily for the self confidence to stand strong in your decisions.

The last?  The most important.

Do not ever. ever. ever doubt your worth. You are precious, beautiful....inspiring, special....important and unique.

If someone abuses you?  Mentally, emotionally, physically.....they might take your power and worth for a moment. 

But that moment?  Does not have to last the rest of your life.

Don't deny humanity the joy of you.
You matter because you exist.
Nothing more and nothing less.

From every carefully placed hair on your head, to your incredibly complicated mind, to your heart full of heartache and hope, to your feet ready to stand firm...

You matter.

I matter.

That's what I got today.