I began the 6 months between May and November with a lot of prayer, hiding out in select few offices and laying low....also, with living out Jesus as loud as I could while I attempted to conduct myself as 'normal' as I could. It was the only way to stay sane because it was emotional torture to not share with my closest confidantes that I was leaving.
What's crazy is that I found out after the fact that a couple of people had been told....but not by me....so the beginning of my false narrative began before I even had been given permission to tell it.
I began praying for the right place to come to me. I missed the city. I missed working with a diverse staff. I spent a lot of time with a mentor. I remember saying to him, 'I don't know what to do. I've been released but I haven't been called.' He assured me that I would find my place where I could fully be me and use all of my skills and abilities. I did my best to avoid any and all conversation that led too directly to future planning, yet still provided my opinion regarding fall prep, after all, I had no place to go at that point and I wasn't sure when I was leaving. It felt so wrong--not telling. And yet, for some reason, I didn't say anything.
Summer was the very best because I had previously been given permission from my boss to run a community camp, a camp I had named 'Camp Intersect'. This had been my baby and allowed me reprieve from so much of the chaos and crazy I began to feel around me. I partnered with another agency and together we put on a wonderfully sweet camp in Roberta Park in Waukesha. We passed out some flyers....showed up...and grew in numbers as the three weeks went on. It was a safe haven for me and I was so grateful for this break. It also stirred my heart for God's people....the people who didn't step inside a church...the people who didn't know the 'right' answers or wear the 'right' clothes....the people who didn't care what other people thought and weren't trying to appease anyone.
Mid summer I felt called to include a few close people as I prayed for a job. I chose 5 people, only one from Children's Ministry, to bring into the loop the details of my meeting in May and my desire to be gone by November. In the midst of turmoil....I trusted. God had told me to stop putting the square in the circle. I KNEW the right job was going to come.
And a few weeks later, my dear friend came to me and said she had something to tell me but she didn't want to. She had run into an old coworker from a job she had in Milwaukee many years before. And that old coworker let her know about a full time position at the Christian women's shelter she used to work at. I will always remember that moment. Because it was my life line. A position in the city combining living breathing Jesus to families and my social service experience. I emailed my resume immediately. It was odd really, my cover letter basically explained that this was a long shot because I didn't even know the name of the position they were hiring for, but to please consider me because God had told me to stop putting the square in the circle :) Looking back, it sounds ridiculous!! But I could only be honest.
While I could not tell my coworkers, volunteers and families....I was very closely meeting with our staff coordinator/HR. While I was being told to keep the secret of my leaving and my new boss seemed totally fine, actually even encouraged keeping that secret.... I was not comfortable and did not know exactly how to navigate this transition. I was given good advice that applying at and interviewing for other positions did not have to be shared--even with HR because that was not an official job offer that was leading to me giving notice. I was under no obligation to keep anyone informed of my plans or other opportunities I was pursuing. I agreed and smiled. Because I knew. I don't know how, but I knew. I knew I was going to get this job.
And so I began to plan for November in my heart and mind.
Leaving the staff? That was easy. Little by little I had already been leaving....but leaving the children that I loved so....as well as the families and volunteers I had come to care for? That was going to be hard.
And then it came. The job offer. And the exact right fit for the exact right time.
I gave my 2 week notice and then told the other people that were important to me. That needed to know prior to the people being told.
It was a whirlwind 2 weeks. There was much to do and much I wanted to do to leave well. I did not have fake conversations with people who I knew either did not care I was leaving or smiled smugly at me. I don't do smug. I causes me to either be petty or aggressive.....so I try to stay away at all costs. There were definitely difficult good byes and many people I would miss greatly. I had close connections with a lot of people and while I was honest that I would likely stay away for a bit....I truly thought there'd be a good handful of folks who would continue to be my friends.
I was thrilled and overjoyed and could taste freedom.
Freedom from the dying I realized had been happening the past 3 years.
My last day was November 18th, 2011. Six months.
I cried my whole way home. I had done it. I had finished well. And I thought I was free.
Little did I know what I was still needing to learn....and while I was free from the place? I most definitely was not free from the trauma.
That journey was just beginning.
That's all I got today.
No comments:
Post a Comment