If it seems like something is missing in the story as you read certain chapters, I encourage you to go back and read from the start. I truly am going somewhere here. I'll get there. I just could not go forward without first going back. I am not sharing to shame anyone or honestly not even to blame anyone. These chapters tell the story of what was. And what is. I am truly grateful for every bump and bruise along the way....they are MY scars and I wear them proudly.
As we headed into the spring of 2011 there was a change for me. In talking with many others---some who can speak out, some who aren't allowed to speak out and some who won't speak out--I have since found that many others felt the same. A change.
It was so hard.
Suddenly there were more closed door conversations. Less eye contact. Withdrawn or closed off body language. For me? It solidified the beginning of the end. Perhaps because I spent so much of my late teens and early 20s living in secret----my drinking, my bulimia, my domestic violence relationship, my promiscuity....I refused to live in secret. Especially at a job. Especially at my church. And recognizing that the church I was loved so....people I had trusted so....were being secretive and sketchy in their behavior. Was troublesome.
I was praying. Often. And I felt like I wasn't hearing any kind of answer from God. So I stayed put.
Talk came of change. And restructuring. And a new org chart. Most folks were either very excited. Or very nervous. I was hesistant to be either. And in my sometimes creepy way....I knew what was to come before I was told. (seriously, you can ask those close to me. Almost every single change that was made....I shared with a few.)
I knew my boss would go. I felt it in my bones. And I struggled with that. There was so much stress. So much pressure. A few of us had gone seeking help, clarity. I began to feel like our words were being used not in the way we intended. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I had any part in sneaky and backhanded behavior. And because there seemed to be this 'justified' reason....just like that she was gone. I can not and will not tell her story because it is not mine to tell. I can only share from my perspective what it meant and how it affected me. While others told stories of abandonment and 'how could she'....I knew with every fiber of my being that there was more to the story. And I don't believe it was just. And I don't believe it was life giving. I still and will always believe that.
And I was praying. Often. And I felt like I wasn't hearing any kind of answer from God. So I stayed put.
As a staff we were encouraged to put in our requests....because we were basically 'applying' for our jobs again. And if there were other places that we'd like to pursue, other areas that we'd like to be considered for...this was the time to do so. This caused me great pause and uneasiness. And in the midst of a pre planned trip to California I knew exactly how the ministry I was in would change. Nobody told me. Nobody had to. Discernment is not always a welcomed spiritual gift. It is often misunderstood and often scoffed at. It's ok. Those of us with that gift....we understand.
But I was glad for the opportunity to possibly change areas. And that's what I did. Asked to move to another area. Or split my time between two different ministries. I submitted my request.
And One by one...meetings were held. People weren't just being moved to different areas....some were being let go. I get downsizing. I do. I once took a year severance package to leave a job because of downsizing. But even that for profit organization had been clear that downsizing was happening and offered the year package openly to everyone who might be interested in taking it....so that it wouldn't have to be harder than it was. This was not the case now.
There's so many emotions involved when you work where you worship. And this place consumes 24/7 of your time, energy, creativity, dreams...your friendships are based around them, your free time, your family life. I waited for my meeting. And while I hoped for the best....I felt in my spirit what I would be told.
And I was praying. Often. And it felt like I wasn't hearing any kind of answer from God. So I stayed put.
The day of my meeting came. I was prepared. My husband and I had processed, he had let me cry, I knew my heart. In my meeting, I was told that my job would stay exactly the same. I'd stay full time. My role and position would go unchanged. With smiles. And pride. And even a comment of how keeping me full time was fought for especially knowing my husband was out of work and I'd need insurance. I am sure the two individuals I met with had good intentions. I honestly believe that. But it made me sad because it meant that they did not know me at all. What was important and mattered to me. And in the middle of that meeting...I heard God audibly for the first time.
'You can stop putting the square in the circle.'
And I was able to very calmly and clearly let them know, 'Thank you, but no.' I assured them that I was able to give them 6 months and I would put in everything that I had....as I had been doing....for that 6 months. I knew this might be professional suicide and I knew that they might just ask me to leave, but it was time. I knew I was released.
I felt so free. And ready to conquer what was next. But like a cruel joke, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. I was told that it wouldn't be fair to the team....my volunteers....that it wasn't the right time. And I hated that. But I obeyed. It caused me so much inner turmoil...because suddenly I was the one keeping secrets. If I'm honest? I was pissed. But there was still enough of me that was consumed by feeding into the 'team' narrative that I kept silent. Even from my closest and dearest confidants and friends. If that happened now, I'd say get the fuck outta here. Period. The meeting was in May. And it would be the beginning of November before I would be allowed to say anything to anyone...when I was giving my two weeks notice.
But November came. And that's a story for another day.
Because that's all I got today.
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