There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when you are living a double life. I had already experienced this during my rock star vs. college-mom phase....I never thought that in my 30s this would again become a reality for me. But there I was....simultaneously promoting Christ and dying. Not in the biblical way of 'dying to myself'....nope. Just plain old dying.
I felt as if I started to have dual personas emerging. One that put on the happy face and threw myself into my areas of ministry--striving to create a place for families and kids to feel safe and cared for and loved. To be themselves. The other that struggled tremendously with anger and self preservation while struggling to seek truth and discover secrets. And in the midst of this? My true self suffered. My mental health, my physical health and my soul. I am not blameless. I stayed. I participated. But I also must share that I prayed often to have the freedom to leave. I can honestly say that I didn't.
I'm so grateful for the few safe places I had to process and hide. Where I could fully be myself and express myself without fear of being shamed or silenced. Those places were few and far between and as time crept into my 4th and 5th year...it was harder and harder to know who was an ally.
My husband, who was a full time missionary at the time, often studied the bible in the library of the church. This particular day he was in the lobby on his blue tooth, talking on the phone. A Pastor, who also a friend, approached him in the lobby and kind of laughed when he got to my husband. He shared that a woman had come to the info desk and let them know that there was someone scary in the lobby talking to himself and waving his hands around. I was so sad and angry. My husband handled it better than I. I was so angry that this woman ASSUMED. But I think what made me move past anger into sadness was that as the story was shared...most did not see this as a reason to be upset....some even took a step further to tell me that I was overreacting. I mean, it OBVIOUSLY was not because he was black. Was I crazy?
An audio of a guest speaker at a Women's Event was brought to my attention by someone who did not attend the church. They had been at the speaker's session and heard the talk and asked me to listen to it for my opinion. The speaker was rude and dismissive and used derogatory slang regarding different people groups. I listened to it several times and I asked 2 people in charge to please review it, listen specifically for some of the questionable language/ideology and could we at least consider adding a disclaimer 'the church does not share in this viewpoint". I was called into one office first and chastised for wasting time because there was nothing questionable. I shared that someone had been so upset they had left the session and I was informed that the person likely needed to be a little less sensitive and they were likely not spiritually mature. I was then pulled another office and told that it had been listened to and now it was time for me to let go and give it up. I was also told that I needed to learn to be quiet because I was seen as a firecracker who liked to start stuff. I informed her that if she meant that to make me feel shame....it did not work because I saw that as a compliment. I was then told that being bold wasn't becoming. My response was, I don't care about being "becoming" so I guess it's all good.
I was outright lied to by people who were in charge. People who told part of the story to some and another part of the story to others. If I would ask a question, the response was often something along the lines of, 'There's a lot you don't know. There are things I can't share but just trust that we know more.' Um....are we suddenly okay with secrets and fear and hiddenness as attributes to be celebrated? Sometimes someone in power would ask questions that made you feel like there was a 'right' answer and you were being screened. My problem is that if I didn't trust you or respect you? It was a wrap. I personally know at least 4 people, myself included that had an entire new narrative written for them after they left (or for some in the midst of being fired) I saw capable but flawed, dedicated people who loved Jesus and loved the church....being chewed up and spit out.
And I fought against feeding into it. But I know that I did. There's one person who was painted as weak. And I remember telling our team. Something is up. There's something happening that we aren't aware of. This isn't healthy. There's more to the story. This person, like many others had been, was unraveling, weren't they? Did anyone else see it? I wish I could say that I was bold enough to speak up for all of these individuals, but I just couldn't. But I would find out years later that it was all true and I know I share in responsibility. Did I speak up enough? Did I bury my head in the sand TOOO much? Where are the places I shared false narratives to be a team player?
And as all of this was happening....I was writing curriculum, coordinating volunteers, loving children and families....especially the 'unruly' ones who did not 'fit'.....struggling to keep my head above water....living with the tension that my husband had already left this church as his place of worship yet I had to be there every Sunday perpetuating a narrative that I no longer believed in.
My prayer life had never been stronger.
Music became cemented in my soul as a way to connect to God.
I spent some of the sweetest times with volunteers and the littles.
And I spent a LOT of time in the offices of a couple of people I fully trusted.
This all helped me survive.
It was a lot. But it was preparing me for my last 9 months there. Because I was about to hear God audibly for the first time in my life.
But that's all I got today.
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