Today I was able to spend a few hours with 8 other women and just be. We had coffee and breakfast goodies. We laughed and chatted and disagreed. We shared. And in that sharing we were able to see that while there are likely many many things about our lives that are different. There are some things that are the same. We want to be heard, to belong and to be loved.
I've been thinking about love a lot lately. I'm surrounded by a lot of love. And yet, in the midst of that, it can be so easy to focus on the ways, times and places how, when and where I don't feel loved.
It's a constant internal battle for me. And it has always been.
I grew up with love all around me. But there was a critical spirit that permeated my soul.
You aren't good enough.
You aren't pretty enough.
You aren't smart enough.
You aren't.
Enough.
It's taken me decades to start to love myself. Honestly and unconditionally. Warts and all. But I've started.
I withheld love from myself when I wasn't doing or being or acting the way that I felt I should. If my house wasn't clean or if I feel behind at work or wasn't attentive enough to my husband or my kids, in my eyes...it was so easy to do. So easy to allow disappointment in myself lead to withholding love. Sometimes I still do.
A few things have inspired me to challenge that thinking.
1. I want to love myself the way my daddy loves other people. Seriously. I do not know anyone who loves as unconditionally or openly as this guy. For all the things he might have gotten wrong in his life or regrets he might have? How he loves should NOT be one of them. He just accepts what is. And loves just the same. It doesn't mean he might not get disappointed or frustrated. But it does absolutely nothing to change the love that he has. If he loves you....even if he is angry with you, even if you have hurt him....he would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. If he loves you, you do not ever doubt it. Ever. I want myself to know that no matter what I do or don't do....where I excel or fail...I will love myself just the same. I am worth unconditional love. How high might I fly if I treasured myself?
2. I need to practice what I preach. For much of my 30s and 40s, I've been a strong advocate for women to learn how to love themselves. To learn that they shouldn't allow their self worth to be dictated by outside influences and that true love means accepting all of yourself. In teaching and coaching others to do this...I thought that I was there. I really did. And then these last few years have turned everything about my internal point of view upside down. It's been a culmination of so many things....things that will be another blog post on another day...but these things made it very clear to me that I did not honestly and unconditionally love myself. My love was withheld when I was angry with myself. It was withheld when I was disappointed in myself or when I was feeling that I didn't deserve it. I tell other women all the time---be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself. Love.
3. Tomorrow is not promised. It's funny because I've always known this. But what's recently caused this thought to be a new inspiration is seeing my Grandma's health slowly fade. And witnessing the struggle that she's had with herself, with God, with dying, with her quality of life diminishing....it's inspired me in a new way to grab hold to each day, each moment and live fully and freely and full of love. Not just for others (which I really do try to do well) but for myself. Not to wait until things are just right or just how they should be. I need to love myself NOW.
Right now. I want to unconditionally love all of who I am. The tattered pieces and the mangled frays...the dark spaces and the hidden mazes...whether I'm empty or full, cowering or standing tall.
I am enough.
Love.
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