After CCD, confirmation and the baptism debacles....I pretty much stayed away from church and anything to do with Christians. I wasn't necessarily through with God, or even Jesus for that matter. But it was safe to say that I had pretty strong opinions about 'organized religion'. As you begin to read this chapter you might wonder how it is connected to my faith journey. Stay with me. You'll see.
I was a single mom (by marital status only--I had a great support team to help raise my cherub Jordyn) and was determined not to become one of those single moms who focused solely on her child---and allowed her child to consume every aspect of her life. I was going to finish college and get my degree, I wasn't going to live with my parents forever, I wanted to date and still have fun on the weekends when my daughter was with her dad. So there was flirting and joking with male co-workers. There was teasing and occasionally going out for drinks.
Then there was the date.
My job was near a bible college and so a LOT of the part time staff were students at the bible college. I began to recognize who was a student there very easily. They were always super chipper. Most of the women didn't wear pants. Many carried a bible with them. They said things like, 'With God's grace' or 'If God allows'. It was all Greek to me. But even though they somewhat represented to me what I was running from....one guy caught my eye.
We became friends. I thought. He asked about my daughter a lot and would remember things I had shared. He told me a little about his family and why he chose to go to a bible college. I knew the school was very strict and had a lot of rules. I knew he took his faith very seriously. It was rather refreshing actually because I had not yet experienced people who prayed and had a sense of humor, who were kind and apologized sincerely, who had a gentle demeanor and yet seemed strong.
He was a cutie no doubt. And, I could tell he had a HUGE crush on me. (no conceit here...many of you know when you know that someone has a crush on you) It was sweet. He was incredibly awkward and shy. He would rarely make eye contact and if and when I ever gave him a compliment, for example in the way he handled a crisis, he would turn bright red. I remember one of my coworkers trying to egg me on to tease with him, lead him on in a way. But I couldn't. I could tell, he was somewhat fragile and while I did think it was incredibly funny to exert control over males with my womanly wiles....I just knew this wasn't a situation where that was ok. He was an honest and good person who had convictions and I wasn't about to mess with that.
So I was careful. Not to flirt too much. Not to stand too close. To step away when I could tell he was trying to nonchalantly brush past me. To take my lunch at a different time so we weren't in the break room/office at the same time.
Then one day he asked me out on a date. I asked if he was sure. I asked if it was okay. He told me it was and that he wanted to come and pick me up and take me to the movies. He asked when my daughter would be with her dad and we set the date.
I found myself excited. I just had this feeling that this date would be different. A gentleman. A guy who was not going to be about getting into my pants. But I was also nervous because. A gentleman. A guy who was not going to be about getting into my pants.
So he picked me up. And from the moment the door opened....It was the oddest date of my life.
I could tell he was nervous. But not in the shy way....I can't really explain it, but it was different somehow.
He opened the door for me. He bought me snacks for the movie. I caught him smelling my hair. He fumbled in the popcorn trying to find my hand. He attempted to put his arm around me. He very 'non-chalantly' let his leg touch mine.I could feel the tension oozing off of him. I found myself physically withdrawing because it was so uncomfortable. After the movie, we stopped for ice cream and I have never felt more self conscious eating ice cream in front of someone before. He stared at me way too long and way too intensely. I opted not to finish my cone because I was that uncomfortable.
When we got to my house, he walked me to my door and gave me the most bizarre kiss I had ever received. I don't know that I ever had a kiss where someone's tongue was in my mouth before our lips had even touched. He had a death grip on my arms. Then he ran to his car without looking back and pulled out of the driveway like a bat out of hell.
I knew it was not just the first date, but also the last date we would have. I was prepared to have the hard conversation we might have to have if he asked me out again. I need not have worried.
The next time we worked together. He cornered me.
He told me he had something hard to tell me but it was necessary. And he proceeded to tell me that I was a stumbling block for him. (had NO clue what that meant at the time, no clue.) That he would not be able to continue dating me. (um, one date...hardly dating dude) That he had broken all kinds of rules for me and the guilt that he felt was overwhelming. (nobody asked you to dude) He said that it was very difficult to be around me because of the sexual tension between us and that it had gotten too close to 'going all the way' (oh...poor baby if you really thought that dude)
When I let him know that I didn't know what a stumbling block was....he informed me that as a Christian man there were certain standards he needed to uphold and a sexy, single mom who was likely going to go all the way was not appropriate and that I made him think things he shouldn't be thinking.
I don't remember my exact words. But I remember laughing hysterically. And basically telling him he had nothing to worry about because a) we weren't dating b) there was no WAY he was ever getting to first base again much less all the way c) I had never been made to feel cheap before much less from a "Christian" man d) it wasn't my fault he was a horny toad who felt the need to break rules that he had agreed to follow--I hadn't broken any rule. e) I had standards too and he didn't match up to mine.
I honestly found much of the entire situation laughable. But I was irritated by one thing. I hadn't pretended to be anything that I wasn't. I hadn't lied or 'broken rules.' In fact, I had taken great care to be thoughtful of him. And yet I felt like he had judged me and told me that I didn't meet HIS Christian standards? The standards you cared so much about that you took out the loose single mom hoping you might get lucky?? And then because of your guilt "broke up" with someone you were never dating because of your lack of self control? It simply solidified my dislike for a religion that caused people to pretend.
Yeah. It was pretty much a done deal.
You can keep your Christianity. I'm good thanks.
That's what I got today.
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