Christmas Eve 1990 I had the stomach flu like I'd never experienced. And for the day or two after I could not stop vomiting. Deep down. I knew what was what.
1st pregnancy test. Positive.
2nd pregnancy test. Positive.
3rd pregnancy test. Positive.
Yep. I'm pregnant.
After confirmation I wish I could say that I had an hallelujah moment but I had not.
I still prayed. Believed that Jesus was the son of God and that there was good and truth in the bible, but I wasn't sure what to think about Christianity or religion. I still thought that being kind and honest were good things and I believed the Golden Rule was how we should live. I asked for forgiveness, tried not to lie and
Other 'rules' or 'laws'....not so much.
And while I was hardly promiscuous....I had met a man I felt certain I would end up marrying so it just made good sense to have sex. I mean. Really, did the Pope think people would wait? And what was premarital sex to people who never wanted to or planned to marry? It was all murky and so I had decided that at 18, with a man I loved who I had pretty much decided would be my husband someday that I would have sex. And by 19 and over a year of dating I was SURE I'd marry him...so yes it was premarital but once we were married....I mean wouldn't God understand?
I had not as much decided that I would be relentless about taking my birth control every day and at the same time.
And so, much to my surprise....
Yep. I'm pregnant.
The next significant part of my spiritual journey did not unfold through my pregnancy however. I certainly grew and matured as an individual and woman....but there were not a lot of changes to how I already felt.
After my sweet cherub was born (who in my heart will always be Apollonia Emerald but was legally named Jordyn Ashley).....things took a turn. Because very shortly after....discussion of baptism surfaced. I cringed. And all kinds of confirmation baggage began to bubble up. The truth is that I didn't want her to be baptized Catholic. But I felt like I really didn't know how to articulate why.
Please hear me. I knew nothing. I had no bible study. I had no mentors or Christians in my life. I was forming opinions and moving forward based on gut reactions and thoughts I was having in response to what I felt was control. I wasn't asking questions because there was nobody to ask them to.
People would ask why I wasn't getting her baptized and I would answer why would I?
'So she doesn't go to hell.'
People would ask if I had contacted the church about getting her baptized and I would answer where?
I had never been back to my confirmation church after, quite frankly, confirmation.
I remember asking, why baptize at birth? If the purpose of infant baptism is to ensure that she would not be damned to hell if God forbid she perished...but we also much believe in our heart in order to be saved and an infant really couldn't believe in their heart.....but nobody really had answers.
And the pressure was on. And there were quite a few that were not going to rest until I baptized my cherub and secured her soul to Heaven.
Her father and his family attended and were members at the church I had been confirmed at. And while I don't remember exactly who set it up or how it came to be....an appointment was made for me and her father to meet with the Priest.
I walked in carrying my cherub in her carseat and very apprehensive.
I am not sure why, but I felt wrong being there. Like every fiber in my body was telling me to leave, but I didn't. I guess I felt like it was better to keep the peace with people I loved rather than upset them by following what I felt was right.
I allowed her dad to do much of the talking. To explain that while we were not current attenders of the church....it was the church both of our families attended. ('Well,' I said internally, 'actually my family really doesn't attend but ok, we'll go with that.') To explain that although we weren't current attenders or members we desired for her to be baptized. ("Well,' I said internally, 'actually I don't desire for her to be baptized. I could care less. But I wanted people who did care to be happy so...') To explain that we understood there may be a class or something we would need to take, but we were willing to do what was necessary. ("Well, um, wait...when the hell did I say I'd take a class?? What the what!?!?!")
All of his chatter was met with a quiet stare back at us.
Silence.
Then the Priest proceeded to tell us that yes, we would indeed need to take a class, become members AND have a consistent pattern of monthly giving for them to consider baptizing my cherub.
Excuse me? I took a deep breath. And another. And another. And then as calmly as I could muster, asked what that had to do with anything.
My question was answered with a blank stare.
I continued in explaining that my entire life I was taught that infants must be baptized at birth or they would be stuck in purgatory or damned to hell. Personally, I did not believe that but I was willing to allow my cherub to be baptized for the people I loved who did believe that. And here he was telling me that it wasn't my unbelief in this ritual that disallowed her from participating...but the fact that I hadn't given on a consistent and regular basis? That as a faith I had been taught we were born sinners but through the sacrament of baptism an infant basically was cleansed of original sin and also Jesus said we needed to be born again of water. So here she was....and here was the churches opportunity to provide her with that.
I don't remember his exact response but in so many words I was quoted scripture and a lot about the sins of the father....in a very patriarchal and patronizing way...and began to again talk about the class and having a commitment of financial giving...
And I stood up, and I slammed my hand on his desk, and I leaned very, very far forward.
And I told him it didn't matter what anyone said and it didn't matter what anyone did....I wouldn't allow him to baptize her if MY life depended on it. That if he had spoken about my lack of faith or lack of desire to raise her in the Catholic church??? I could respect that. But to continue to speak of classes and consistent giving? I was cool. She was cool. And we were leaving.
I'm not sure how her father ended the conversation or said good bye because I snatched up my cherub and stormed out...but I'm sure it was a very polite and kind apology.
And I was correct, I upset a LOT of people. And like confirmation.....it weighed on me. On and off again over the next months it was a conversation that continued to surface.
And like confirmation, against my beliefs and thoughts....I agreed to allow her to be baptized. My wonderful grandma contacted her church in another town and they agreed to baptize the one year old of the heathen who told off a Priest. No class. No membership. No money. No sins of the father discussion.
We chose godparents. We bought her a dress. It was odd. She was almost walking and the other families stared. But. It was happening. And there were a lot of smiles. And we made quite a few people happy that day. In the end I decided it didn't really matter what I believed. Yet, deep down, I felt that it did.
And I remember during the baptism asking God to forgive me for pretending. And while I still wasn't sure what I believed. I did believe that he would.
There was so much more yet to come.
That's what I got today.
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