Figuring out who I am after almost 21 years of marriage...being a parent for 27 years...working full time over 25 years...struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar isn't easy. What I'm finding is that often I feel like I'm finding out more about who I am not than who I am. But I am more interested in who I am becoming than who I was.
Two years ago I faced an honest truth that I needed to be under doctor's care for my bipolar diagnosis. For about 8 years I had been handling it myself....with a holistic approach...which progressively was not working. Despite my best efforts and faith and hope and prayers...I had not been healed. But honestly, I did not need to be. Because there was a way for me to have a clear mind and emotional stability....and I knew that I had to take care of myself. For me that means medicine. Being under a psychiatrist's care for the past 2 years has given me new perspective.
A year ago my husband and I became empty nesters. This was going to be unchartered territory for me. We had children before we were married and I had never been just a wife. I had a lot of apprehension about that. In the midst of figuring that out....I knew I had to figure myself out as well. 6 weeks into the new reality I wrote a blog about some of things that I was discovering. I went back and read it. There were some good thoughts there. I've gained a lot of new perspective over a year later.
I'm not sure why I feel compelled to share this. But I know with every fiber that I am, that I am supposed to. I don't know if that's God's prompting....the Holy Spirit's leading....or just my own vain need to share....but here it goes.
1. I am afraid. There is so much that scares me. Some health concerns have me wondering what is really going on. The safety of my children in this world that seems set upon killing young black men and hating my daughter for who she loves. My husband and I growing apart in a way that can't be repaired. My parents aging. Dying young. (that's always been there and sometimes I think symptomatic of my bipolar/depression.) So much.
2. I am insecure. For all I am certain about...there is so much more that I doubt. My abilities even at things I know that I know how to do can cause me to doubt. I fear that I am not enough of _____. Whatever it is. Kind enough. Motivated enough. Dedicated enough. Beautiful enough. (not speaking of just looks.)
3. I have forgotten how to sparkle. I know it's there. I have the best dear ones who remind me to let all of my lovely glitter fall and whoever gets sprinkled, well lucky them. But it's like it's just under the surface and can't get out. I'm not sure if that makes any sense....it's the best way I know how to explain it.
4. I am complacent. I think somehow in all of my adult life of learning the amazing gift of being content with life and what is (because I do think that is something we do not do enough of learning)...I became complacent. It's not that I don't have dreams...but it's almost as though stepping into the unknown is too big a risk and that is all they remain.
Rereading this list. You might think that it makes me feel stuck or frustrated or even full of anxiety. But it doesn't. It makes me take a deep breath. And a bigger exhale. Because I have always been someone that believes once you name something and own something it no longer owns you. And though I believe the above is true....seeing it written down and spelled out...I also know the following is true.
1. I am badass. And I have faced fear before and remained standing. I have come through some crazy shit. Fear has no hold on me. And I continue to live life. To seek answers for my health issues. To allow my children to live and experience their truth. To work hard everyday at my 20 year marriage. To enjoy my parents and seeing them live their best lives. To fully live. For however long that is.
2. I am powerful. Even in the places I doubt...and times that I question...I am enough. I do not have to be perfect. I don't have to be any more or less that who I am. If in a moment I am not kind, I am not motivated, I am not dedicated, I am not beautiful....it is okay. It is good.
3. I see the start of my sparkle. In my heart and tummy....there is the tickling of glitter that is ready to bust out of me. It's a ripple affect really. When I am surrounded by other's allowing themselves to sparkle....whatever that looks like...I feel the beginning of my shine. When I have other's reminding me that they can see glimpse of my shine...I know that sparkle is coming.
4. I can move. There is nothing wrong with being content. In fact, I still value it as important and believe that we must do a better job of teaching our children to be content in the moment. But I do not want to be complacent. I do not want to smugly think that this is all there is. That I've fulfilled all there is to fulfill. I'm ready for risk.
Thinking about the 2nd list causes a little anxiety, but not as much as it gives me hope.
And for as dark and ugly as the world around me can seem sometimes. And as frustrated and angry as I can get at people. I am about hope. Always hope for others.
But it makes me smile in ways I can't explain to have hope for myself.
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