My Heart

This verse keeps coming up in my mind and heart again in the last week or so......



So.  I pulled out my bible this morning and just read the text.

Proverbs 4:23-27

Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
    keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
    fix your gaze directly before you.
 Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
    and be steadfast in all your ways.
 Do not turn to the right or the left;
    keep your foot from evil.

And I just asked God....what was I supposed to be reminded of and why did it keep coming to mind.

4:23.....How often do I not do this?  But above all else.  My husband, my children, my job, my own well being.  Whatever else there is....MORE than that....I'm supposed to guard my heart.  I think we take our hearts for granted.  I don't mean the physical beating of the organ (although many of us do that too)...but I mean the fullness of our hearts.  Scripture tells us that what comes out of our heart can defile us.  That we are supposed to love our Lord with all of our heart.  Where our treasure is...that's where our heart will be.  Also, we are saved by believing with our heart.  Why WOULDN'T I want to protect this?  When my heart isn't protected....when I've allowed it to become vulnerable....I shouldn't be surprised when I'm wandering or struggling with that old sinful nature.  Guarding my heart isn't about being 'happy'.  It's about being HOLY.

4:24....Ooooo Lord.  Free of perversity.  Well, that's relative I guess.  We definitely aren't talking about what the world sees as perverse.  If that was the case...there wouldn't be much we were keeping our mouth free of.  Some perversion can be easy to name.  As a follow of Christ who desires to allow the Holy Spirit to direct my path....I can read this and easily rattle off things like--pornography, swearing, adultery and the like.  But what about any and all perversion that is against God's will.  Anger. Gossip.  Pride.  If my heart is guarded...keeping these from my mouth and lips will be much easier.  When I do not keep my mouth free of perversity or corrupt talk from my lips...I must confess this to God.

4:25  The world is full of distractions.  There are many things in the world around me that pull on my attention and push my buttons.  But this verse is telling me that I should only be concerned with what is in front of me. When I have my gaze fixed right in front of me...I can see what I am supposed to be concerned with...what God has for me.  Think of someone who holds your gaze and looks directly at you....vs. someone who can't make eye contact, whose gaze is distracted.  Who would you trust?  Do people look at me and see someone who is focused and trustworthy?  Or am I wandering and all over the place....difficult to follow and even more difficult to believe?

4:26  Careful.  Thoughtful. Steadfast.  How many times do I jump first and ask questions later?  I need to slow down.  I need to ask the next question.  I need to be intentional about my movements and where I am allowing my feet to go.  Who am I following?  Do my desires and intention align with my beliefs?  If the Holy Spirit isn't leading me somewhere....why am I going?  I think in our day and time a good example of this is the internet.  We can waste hours.  Hours of time that could be and should be better spent.  Or laziness.  As we sit and 'veg out' for the evening....what am I missing that God might have for me?

4:27  The world is full of evil.  We do ourselves no good by pretending that it's not.  The Devil is lurking at every corner waiting for us to mess up....preying on our insecurities and pain...planting seeds of doubt and discouragement.  What is to my left and right might be very exciting, enticing even....but it will most certainly lead to death and separation from God.  I do not want to be and can't afford to have one foot dabbling.  We so often excuse this as 'curiosity' or a 'mistake' rather than taking responsibility for our decisions and the much too easy way we allow ourselves to lose focus and be drawn to evil. There is no life there.   

My worship.  My relationships. My obedience. My faith.  My growth.  All of these are affected by these verses.  Even in my humanness there is no excuse for not taking these things seriously.  It doesn't mean I will be 'perfect'. That I won't get lazy....that I won't choose sin over God's way....that I won't get off track.  But.

I want to be about these things. 

I want others to see Him through me.

We can't afford to miss a moment or leave our heart open.  The world is counting on us.  On me.  I can't do it alone.  But I'm not alone.  I have the Holy Spirit to help me.

That's what I got today.

                      



Not quite grits and sweet tea....

Depending on who you are....there's not much good about the 'good ol days' some folks are saying the confederate flag represents.


A flag, hung at your home or in your car, can represent whatever the heck you want to say it represents. (but if you aren't southern---it really doesn't represent you anymore than iggy azalea represents hip hop...just sayin)  And while it might be irritating to others who do not like what it stood for/stands for...it's certainly your right because we live in America.


But that same flag hung over a government building?  I just don't see what impassioned argument there could be to allow that? What is fueling the outcry I've seen....and outcry that has led to the Klan helping to lead the rally to leave the flag up?  As an aside....I wonder if some white people feel about the Klan the way some black people feel about Jesse Jackson??


I'm asking.  Looking for intelligent arguments regarding this....


Not memes that make the argument that because the individuals who want the flag down sag their pants...it should be kept up.  Um.  Because I think South Carolina, any government building should take it down and I do not sag my pants.


Not memes that make the argument that only black people who hate white people want the flag down so it should be allowed to stay up.  Um.  Again, I want it down and I love lots of black and white people.  Quite a few also drive me bananas, incidentally, but that's neither here nor there.




I can try to understand frustration perhaps, at the timing.  I mean the flag's been flying forever and a day correct?  And suddenly because a crazy racist shoots up a black church it should come down?  (and please don't argue that's not what he was.  There's no question of that here.) 


Um yes.  It should have been down a long time ago.  I mean, c'mon....even Jeb Bush had a role in it being removed from Florida's capitol in 2001.


And by the way, if you are pro confederate flag in South Carolina and you didn't know that tidbit.....do your homework please.  Because I'm gonna need more than a Dukes of Hazard rally cry to respect your reasoning for it continuing to fly over a government building as this juncture in our nation.


Someone is burning down black churches.


My son's are profiled.  (my newest boy driver got followed into Best Buy for the first time and I say first time because we know it will happen again...because 'he looked lost.  the cop actually admitted she followed him from Waukesha to Brookfield)  And they are not alone.


We may not be any more or less racist as a country than we've ever been....but it's certainly more out in the open than I ever remember it being in my lifetime.


None of these situation bade well for flying a flag that is NOT the flag of the United States of America flying over a government building.


Fly it over your home as you'd like.  Hang it in the back of your car.  Wear your t-shirts with pride.  You certainly have that right.


But try to understand that it doesn't represent grits and sweet tea for most of the country and we'd rather it didn't fly over our government buildings.


That's what I got today.

Not a bandwagon kind of gal....

We live in a fallen and broken world. But God is here.


There is calamity all around us. But God is here.


That is why we also see and hear stories of redemption.  Of triumph.  Of love.


Because God is here.


And laws changing....doesn't change that.
And destruction happening....doesn't change that.
And hate spreading....doesn't change that.


It's interesting to me the extremes that I've seen in the news and social media.  Articles being posted all willy nilly, folks jumping on the bandwagon of different 'respected' individuals and quoting their thoughts, scripture being shared to advocate for one's feelings about what's happening in our world.  People who know me know that I'm not a bandwagon kind of gal.  Even if the bandwagon is something I agree with.....I'm not quick to hop on board.


And before anyone turns on ME for judging THEM and what they've chosen to post....please review the 2nd word of the above paragraph.  I said it's interesting not wrong. Or bad.  We are all welcome to our opinion.


It's interesting to me because I wish we could learn from it. Listening and understanding another's point of view.  Finding out why people believe what they believe.  And that really, none of us are 'right'.  How could we be?  How could any one person's ideas and opinion about different issues be 'right'.  We can have our interpretation of 'right' and if a lot of other voices agree with us, we can decide that we are 'right'.  But that doesn't make it true.  And it doesn't make it right.  And it certainly doesn't mean it shouldn't be changed.


If that was true.  My husband might be someone's slave today.
If that was true.  We most certainly couldn't be married and living in freedom.


Knowing that the Supreme Court was making a decision on 'same sex marriage'  'gay marriage' to be honest really didn't catch my radar.  (and in reality it's just a legal redefinition of marriage...now that it's legal, it's just marriage.)  Mostly because, as many of you know, I'm passionate about different social issues.  I feel like, I'm not homosexual...so why do I care strongly either way if people who are can now legally marry.  It doesn't affect me.  I often get bothered at people who are in extreme camps on any issue...even myself at times....because I think when we get sooooo caught up in what WE BELIEVE and that is the 'right' way...we open ourselves up for judging someone whose opinion isn't like ours.  Even if it's subconsciously.


There are a lot of laws that allow things in this country that I may or may not agree with.  There are a lot of laws that allow things in this country that I may or may not participate in.  The law of the land doesn't determine my ability to love God or attempt, in my feeble humanness, to follow Jesus.  It might change what it looks like or how I express it....but it can't stop it.  And don't bring up 'God's not allowed in schools' blah blah blah...because God is everywhere.  And because I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, the Holy Spirit resides in me.  So if I'm in school....God can be in school.  I might not be able to open a bible freely or pray out loud...but that doesn't mean I can't be salt and light to those around me.  I don't need to CLAIM my Christianity in loud, legal ways in order to be a believer and share the gospel.  If that was true.....then what the heck are Christian missionaries doing all over the world in countries where they 'technically' shouldn't even exist??


If you live in the United States there is a legal definition of a lot of things.  And over the years,   decades....sometimes those legal definitions change.  This is not new people.  There are some countries where those legalities do not even exist.  How would you function there?  How would you live out your faith there?  Whether or not something is legal, doesn't mean your individual ideology about it must change.


What is the greatest commandment?  Jesus didn't allow himself to be tricked by the Pharisees.  Don't you either.


Love Him.  Love others. 




And the world is not ending any more or less today than it was yesterday.




That's what I got today.

You Gotta Give a Little...

So I'm reading 'Sacred Marriage' by Gary Thomas.  I'm usually not sure into reading books that talk about how to get marriage 'right', but this book I felt was different because it focused on the concept that marriage might be about making me holy vs. making me happy.  Also, after 17+ years of marriage with only 1 child left at home, I'm finding myself facing the real fear of being empty nesters and what/how that is going to affect us.


I've talked about it before.  The difficult, but rewarding task of marriage.  The dichotomy of losing yourself to become one--yet needing to keep yourself to stay one.  We've had plenty of desert times and done more than our share of wandering.  But we've also committed to staying the course.  And our desire, like so many other couples I know, isn't to do this out of some 'obligation' but a true joy in love that can only come from the Lord.


So back to 'Sacred Marriage'.  Today I read these paragraphs and they rocked me to my core.


All of us have a visceral desire to be respected.  When this desire isn't met, we are tempted to lapse into a self-defeating response.  Rather than work to build our own life so that respect is granted to us, we work to tear down our spouse in a desperate attempt to convince ourselves that their lack of respect is meaningless.  Spiritually, this becomes a vicious and debilitating cycle that is extremely difficult to break.
God has a solution that, if we adopt it, will revolutionize our relationships. While many people fight to receive respect, Christian marriage calls us to focus our efforts on giving respect.  We are called to honor someone even when we know only too well their deepest character flaws.  We are called to stretch ourselves, to find out how we can learn to respect this person with whom we've become so familiar. And in this exploration, we are urged to 'have contempt for contempt'.
As our partners and their weaknesses become more familiar to us, respect often becomes harder to give.  But this failure to show respect is a sign of a spiritual immaturity more than an inevitable pathway of marriage.  We can be thankful for our fellow sinners when we spend more time looking for 'evidences of grace' than we do finding fault. If my wife is more aware of where she falls short in my eyes than she is of how I am witnessing evidences of God's grace in her journey of progressive sanctification, then I am a legalistic husband, akin to a Pharisee. Giving respect is an obligation, not a favor, it is an act of maturity, birthed in a profound understanding of God's grace.


Whoa.
I read them twice.
Whoa.


I want to be about more of this.  Because I believe this.


The closer you are to someone----the deeper they can hurt you.  The longer you've known someone----the more warts you've seen. It's easy to get caught there.


He never....
She always...
He doesn't....
She isn't.....


In a very selfish way I can huff and puff about all of the things that Marlon is not.  And I can try to justify the things that I say or do that are not in line with God's plan by focusing on those character flaws of his.  In the same way, he can choose to see all of the things I am not and make excuses for poor behavior because I don't 'deserve' respect.  This is all very amusing to Satan.  As he lurks and pokes, prods and hides....he is seeking to kill and destroy.  And what might start out as a justified frustration....becomes a sin issue as our contempt for our spouse grows.


Let me repeat that.


Our contempt? It becomes our sin issue.


If I haven't loved my spouse that is my shortcoming.  Because Jesus calls me to even love my enemies.


If I haven't built into his character that is my shortcoming.  Because we are told to encourage one another to build each other up.




I am grateful for others who have been in this fight....and at the rate of divorces in this country I consider it a fight....and are willing to share their wisdom.  I am grateful for books and blogs that dig deep into problems, insecurities, desert places....and give insight.  I am beyond grateful for scripture and God's redeeming grace that covers me and Marlon and our marriage.  That I can call upon His name and He will comfort and encourage me....as well as discipline and redirect me.


Because death has been defeated, because I am able to walk in the authority of the Holy Spirit, because I can choose to love....I can rise above my fears. 


I can worry or I can pray.  I can't do both.
I can look forward or I can look back.  I can't do both.
I can be hidden or I can be open.  I can't be both.
I can hold onto contempt or I can have freedom.  I can't have both. 


Even after 17+ years, I'm not sure how 'sacred' our marriage is.  I know we aren't checklist kind of people and so we might never meet all of the marks that society sees as necessary to have a "good" marriage.  I am glad, however, for reminders to stop focusing on every flaw and shortcoming and to respect each other.  We might not have all of the tools yet.


But I know we love the Lord.  And I know we love each other.  That's a pretty good place to be.




That's what I got today.

I'm tired....but God.

Today is a day I woke up tired. Tired of black men being killed and it's just another day. Tired of being weary that my own husband and sons must do and be that much more so that a biased society might see them as more than their color. Tired of folks being more worried about not stirring the pot than saying what they really feel.

This most recent shooting? Good that the officer lost his job. Good that he's been charged. Have you seen the video? He should.  I have only the video at this time to base my opinion...but he's an awful cop. 

The fear family members of honorable officers feel? Can I relate? Why yes, it's the fear I share as well. Is my loved one safe?  It stinks. Only the full surrender to my belief that God is sovereign can bring ANY peace.

But that's secondary. Because as I watch that video over and over. And yes, I've watched it over and over. What is primary as I weep...is that this is nothing new. This situation?
It's happened before.
It will happen again.

And but for the video....this could've been one of many other news stories we've heard about recently.

The recent memes and videos that share the talk parents MUST have with their children of color....that's real. We've had that talk. And you continue to have to have it. My son's are constantly reminded of it by my husband and I.  I laugh when people say, just tell them to take their phone out and video tape it.  Really? So an officer can be worried it's a gun he's grabbing for and kill him and be justified?

Think of all the news stories. And then I want you to replace the black victim who died with a white person you know of similar age...same details you know about. Would the story seem off to you?  Think of all the news stories. And replace the black victim with a black person you know of similar age....same details you know about. Now?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Of people taking the defense and spewing out all the details they "know" that most definitely justifies the shooting.  Really, unless you were there--you don't know any more or less than me so allow me my opinion, fears and need to process.

I'm tired of hearing news stories of another unarmed black man dying. And yes, black on black crime is horrific as well...I don't need all you nice people to remind me of that. I choose to work in an area where I can hopefully make a difference for future generations, if it upsets you...what are you doing about it?

I'm tired of having to surrender my fear to God that if my son would get pulled over for something, whether legitimate or not, there's a real possibility he could be not just shot, but gunned down.

Evil is real. And darkness lurks and sometimes consumes. That is not new. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

But God. He is sovereign. And good. And just. And I do fall on my knees, crying out to Him...over and over. It is what keeps me sane at times.

Yet I know I have a voice. And I know that, with Him, I can and do make a difference in lives. And I know He has plan and purpose for every day.

So I keep on keeping on. Love and support my husband. Love and teach my sons. Love and educate the families I work with. Love and listen to people with different opinions. And love my God with all that I am, because it's all I know how to do to keep from destruction.

I'm tired and worn. But I must allow Him to redeem, refresh and restore my weary soul.

Love wins.

Don't talk about it. Be about it.

So this past month I had kind of a special thing happen.  An article that I wrote was published in a magazine. I say special carefully because I really do cherish that word.  Special is a word I reserve for amazing heart touching things....like holding your child for the first time.  Like feeling a cool breeze you know was intended just to settle your spirit. Like seeing a family reunite at the airport.


How and why would I put something as selfish as being authentically happy in the same category as those things? Well....


I love to write.  And when I'm disciplined I write quite often.  What I'm thinking, what's in my heart, what I see.  Even.  Well this will sound bizarre I'm sure, but I'm often writing in my head.  Kind of like Wonder Years where there's a monologue of prose ongoing?  Yeah, that. 


And not in a boastful way, but I've been told that people enjoy my writing.  That I should write more.  That they would read a book if I wrote it.  It certainly feels good.  But after time and time again of trying to 'force' myself to write, I know that none of that is reason enough to write.  That doesn't cause me to write. 


And having something to say, isn't really reason enough to write.  I mean, we all have something to say---don't we?  It's just whether or not we exercise our ability to say it.  And sometimes, what I have to say...isn't very uplifting or encouraging....is probably too raw and honest to see in print and so then NOT writing is actually a better choice.


So I've been praying.  And seeking.  And reading.  And asking.  In the midst, from MAJOR encouragement from an old friend and my husband, I followed through on a first writing 'ask' and ended up in Children's Ministry Magazine.  Because this old friend knew I would have something to offer for this writing task....she helped to orchestrate the ask, which led to my accepting the opportunity to write.  And my husband?  Toward the deadline...when I was dawdling....hemming and hawing about finishing...he basically just said, 'Do this.'   So I did.


And the feeling in my heart when I opened the magazine and saw the article?  I can't quite explain it.   And it didn't even matter if nobody ever read it. It represented so much to me.  Obedience.  Discipline. Expression. Self care. Following through on a dream.  I really do desire to write a book for moms.  I don't know entirely what that looks like. 


And so.  I've determined that in order for writing to happen, I have to give myself opportunity to write.  My season of life doesn't allow for a lot of margin.  But I have it.  And I need to be intentional about creating space to write.  I told my bible study ladies that I'm challenging myself to identify a time each week where I must write.  And then I'm going to write it in my calendar as an appointment.  So it doesn't fall to the wayside.  So I can't easily say, 'I'll do it tomorrow.'  And the next time we meet they get to hold me accountable to AT LEAST have identified the time.  (I move slow people.)  This is going to be difficult for me.  Because I enjoy doing for others and struggle with doing for self.  So to make this an ongoing thing will be hard, but I'm an all or nothing person so I do believe the 'writing appointment' is how it's going to happen.


My husband and I tell our kids often, Don't talk about it.  Be about it.  That's what I want to do here.  Be about it.  So.  The only way to be about it.  Is to "do".  So I'm gonna do.  And we'll see what happens.


Special.


So that's what I got today.

Just a lil Step It Up

Today at work during a great discussion about the shelter, the women we minister to, our call, work ethic, being Christ like...my boss shared that God has pressed on her heart the following....step it up.

It resonated with me greatly.  And I've been marinating on it ever since.

If we challenge ourselves to 'step it up'...what does that look like?  And where do I, do we collectively need to step it up?

What if I stepped up my grace?  (God's unmerited favor) If I extended even a wee bit of the abounding grace that God extends to me?  How transforming might that be in my relationships, in the work place, in my ministry?  We can not earn God's grace.  And so we shouldn't have expectations of others to earn it either.  This doesn't mean lowering our standards.  But it does mean forgiving again and again.

What if I stepped up my love?  What if I walked in the love that God has for me?  If I first truly believed that I was loved and in turn showered that love on others?  Despite how they treat me?  Despite if they love me?  I'm not just talking about love for our spouse and children...but love for mankind?  For my community?  For those who think like I do and those that don't?  This doesn't mean being a doormat.  But it does mean opening my heart before my mouth.

What if I stepped up my obedience?  I think of this most significantly at work and in personal life.  Am I in the word daily.  Do I recognize authority and hold it with the respect that it deserves?  Am I willing to give up, or stop behaviors that aren't in line with God's truth or my job's rules?  If I don't agree with something....do I have the wherewith-all to have mature conversations about it or will I just choose to be disobedient?  I certainly can't hold others to a higher standard than I hold myself.  

What if I stepped up my humility?  That might sound like an oxymoron, but if I truly remembered my place.  That He is God and I am not.  I do not know everything.  I do not have the best ideas.  I am not anyone's Savior.  I can not exist and function in a bubble. I can do and be nothing that He does not allow.  He is amazing.  He is wonderful Counselor.  He redeems.  If we can all remember to put things in perspective and look outside of ourselves.  It is not all about us.

What if I stepped up my holiness?  Do I shield myself from things I should not see or hear?  Do I flee from temptation and sin?  Is the standard I have for myself as high as the standard I have for others?  Now I don't necessarily see holiness as a scale...like I'm level A holy today but I am working on level F...but I do think we make choices to turn from the Holy Spirit's leading and choose to shut out God's voice.

I love the idea of 'Stepping it Up'.  Not just as an organization but as an individual.  Time to 'get to steppin!!

That's what I got today.