20.

                          


20 years. These kids above had NO clue what they were getting into. Young and in love. Ready to conquer. Already parents and partners. I mean....how hard could it be?

Man. People just don't prepare you. It is hard.  It is hard to daily and actively put someone ahead of you, consider their feelings, change habits that are hurtful, truly forgive over and again. I can't be anything but real. Our marriage has had days....weeks....months even where we've gone through the motions and just stayed the course because of our commitment to do so. Things that you didn't think would bother you, bother you.  There's been times we have both considered throwing in the towel if I'm being honest.

But.

If you can stay the course.

It is also easy. Because this person, this lover and friend?  Is also the person who has seen you at your worst.  Who has held your hand when you've been afraid. Who has dried your tears. Who has rejoiced with you. Who has hurt you and been hurt by you. And forgiven you. And been forgiven by you. Who you get to do life with.

It is also sweet. Because you have memories that nobody else has. You have watched your children blossom. You have experienced every emotion possible together. You have a deep understanding of the other's heart. You laugh and remember. You have hope.

I don't know the secret to a happy marriage. I swear I don't. I chased it for a long time and it seemed the more I sought that...the less happy I was. But somehow even not knowing that....through authenticity, through commitment, through focus on the other, through love....we are choosing to allow our marriage to withstand life. And through all of the triumphs and trials there is no other person that I would want to have by my side.

We've been together longer than 20...but in this day and age I am a believer that celebrating the milestones....ESPECIALLY marriage milestones.....is a special and honoring thing.

I picked 20 words to define these last 20 years.

Tender. Struggle. Laughter. Chaos. Partner. Full. Sexy. Understanding. Inlaws. Busy. Embrace. Silly. Kids. Joy. Tears. Chisel. Insight. Choices. Pain. Celebration.


I am ready for another 20.


That's what I got today.

Read at your own risk. Seriously.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist (always used to represent extremely intelligent people) to know what all of the following have in common:

Grab em by the pussy.
Mexicans are rapists.
Black Lives Matters is a hate group.
Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake.
Rosie O'Donnell should be fired because she has a fat, ugly face.
Plan to reinstate ban on trans military service.
Accused of sexual harrassment or assault by over 20 women.
Central Park 5.
Sued twice for not renting to black people.
And of course....the recent shithole countries vs. Norway comment.

They of course are comments, thoughts, tweets, actions,etc. that represent trump.

In the last 24 hours or so....I've read many articles, watched news clips, observed facebook posts both implode and explode....as often is the case after the most recent trump turmoil....but there was something different this time.

This time....for the first time....I read/watched/observed many more evangelicals openly speaking out against trump's shithole comment. (it's not that it's never happened....just not the amount I've observed these past two days)

And you might think....knowing if you do how i just can not stomach our current president and the horrific person he continues to show himself to be.....wow, this should make Mindy super happy and finally shut up.

But.

It hasn't. Because there is this little piece of me that wonders where the fuck have they been previously? All of the horrific things he has said and done....for much of what I've observed....there has been silence.  But suddenly, countries that evangelicals so closely adore--send missionaries to--partner in ministry with are referred to in a disparaging way...and NOW he's crossed the line.

How nice of your privilege to finally allow you to show up.

The women and Mexicans and Muslims and ugly and fat and trans and black and innocent folks of THIS country who have dealt with hateful comments and dismissive language for quite some time....we're really so thankful to you for having the courage to speak up.  Except that's right.... You didn't speak up for us. You weren't offended enough for us. You felt comfortable staying quiet.

Do I think it's important to point out racist comments and attitudes and thoughts.  Yes. I do it all the time.  But can I also think, it's about damn time?  Yes. Yes I can. So please understand while I can see that there is good that can come from another voice pointing out and calling out hateful comments and ideology, I can also feel frustrated.

I'm working through that. I am. I promise that I keep trying.

It is my heart's cry that one day we can openly call out racist ideology without some person stating..

'We don't know intent.'    You don't need to know intent in saying Mexicans are rapists, do you?
'We don't know the context.'  In what context is 'just grab em by the pussy' NOT repulsive?
'I thought we were innocent until proven guilty.'  Yea?  Tell that to Tamir Rice or Oscar Grant or Philando Castile.  (if you know who they are without googling it.)
'Bringing up race just divides us.'  Yes. THAT'S what divides us.


Even in the midst of all of this....and as pissed as i can be and passionate as i can get...please know i have not given up on humanity. I haven't and I won't.

I'm hopeful in humanity but not because there's a bunch of white folks who now suddenly agree that trump has crossed the line and are willing to stretch their neck out to say it.

I'm hopeful because while our country might not be considered a shithole it's certainly full of shitheads and yet....

I get to see mother's make new choices that are going to change the trajectory of their families futures.
I get to witness young people opening up in honest ways about the torment they've endured, sometimes for the first time ever.
I get to connect people who have nothing in common and yet somehow after spending time together they see their commonality.
I get to continue to learn from and have my eyes opened to all I don't know by my world being filled with straight, gay, white, black, men, women, trans folks who live out loud.
I get to love people who think like me and people who don't.  But I also get to choose who I bring in close and who I keep casual.
I get to check myself on the daily...and grow and learn and change....challenge myself to be as woke as i possibly can be

and because I can....that means that other's can too...


That's what I've got today.

Almost 2018.

I've been pretty reflective this past week or so. I mean aren't we all at this time of year really? It's really not something 'special' but as this has been a year of great transition in my family and personal life...I realize that I've learned much to carry with me into 2018. And also what I'm letting go before the clock strikes midnight.

What I've learned is that I held so much of my identity in motherhood. I mean, let's be honest, I knew that of course....but to have the day to day 'mom'ing gone...I realized just how lost I was.  And I had grandiose plans for the days and months after the BABY headed off in August...but 4 months later, I've accomplished very few of them. (getting more sleep might be one of the only plans I've held to)  I was worried that this would be a great disappointment to myself...but I've come to accept that I think I needed these 4 months to almost detox in a way. Instead of jumping right into all of the plans I had for myself....I realized that I needed to rest. Rest my brain, my heart and my busy way of living.

What I've learned is that I will likely always need to be on medicine to treat my bipolar disorder. And I am ok with that and I embrace it. It is NOT my identity. But it is a piece of who I am and how I function. And who I am and how I function are both 'better' (hate that word but it fits sometimes) when I am honest and open about the limitations that I have if I am not taking medicine. This is not something that I am going to hide from. 

What I've learned is that I value my husband and my marriage more today than I did early on. Because I had a daughter when we met and well, we had kids together before we were married....we never did 'marriage' without being parents. Taking time to be in therapy together...taking time to truly learn and continue to learn who the other is....taking time to listen and rebuild. These things have given us new life. We are imperfect. But we are together. And we are going to continue to fight and hold on and enjoy our moments. And we are going to remember and cherish those that have passed. And we are going to rediscover 'we'.

What I've learned is that I am 100% okay being angry with people who refuse to learn and grow and listen to understand. I am okay walking away from willful ignorance and embracing my mindset of 'we can be casual but we can't be close. I am okay with letting you be you....but believe me, I am not about to stop being me.

What I'm letting go of? 

Falsehood.

Pretending.

Worrying.

That's it really.  I'm focused on actively laying those things down.

What I'm moving toward?

Freedom & Faith

Love & Light

There is much work to do. We are broken and ugly.  And I want to continue to do it. And I will grow weary and disillusioned by people. But I will also be lifted and carried by people.  

There is much work to do.

It's almost 2018. 

Ready? Go.

That's what I got today.

To Care

Moore didn't win
But it was close
Who'd be surprised
It's just how it goes
Do we care?

Trump tweets stupidity
Spews foolishness and hate
And people flock to explain
Rationalize,mitigate
Do we care?

People argue over details
of who 'deserves' what
They fight for their rights
not caring what gets cut

Worry about self
That's the 'merican way
Make sure you get yours
The rest?  Well they better pray.

But i live in a world
with those that aren't seen
as good enough, smart enough, or who matter enough..
except

That young man who kneeled
but still ended up dead
he was someone's son

That young woman who pulled away
afraid for her life
it's over before it begun

The mom who's afraid
of what her child has done
has tried to do her best

The dad who runs
acting like he doesn't care
doesn't know how

do you care?

Each is human
with a heart and a soul
hopefully with dreams
about reaching their goals

And yet you sit
with a smug shaking head
'why don't they blah blah blah'
are you surprised they are dead or

Surprised she's been raped
Surprised that she drinks
surprised by his absence
No?
It's much deeper than you think

There is racism everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
if others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

There is rape culture everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
it others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

There is sexism everywhere
it doesn't matter if you see it
if others are experiencing it
it's time you believe it

We pretend that we care but it's
Preservation of self
Look out for numero ono
Worry about nothing else

I'm telling you.

Care

because the 14 year old who's life is full of trauma
of unthinkable things that have been done

because the 17 year old who is full of anger
of how her life has been unfair

because the 6 year old who can't stop hurting
as she remembers the truth of her story

because the mom or the dad who are weary
of decisions they've made or maybe haven't

They need you.
They need us.


To care.

Hope and Perseverance.

I've been thinking a lot about hopelessness. And perseverance. And how they are linked in deeper ways then I think I ever really knew.

The other day in a meeting with a family.....much tension--a 14 year old who runs away, puts herself in harms way--has deep dark demons of the horrific things she has seen and experienced, a mom at her wits end with her own demons whispering in her ear....yet a love for each other so deep.

The youth has this tough shell and you can tell she is just through with everyone telling her what to do and telling how things are.The mom sounds so cold and callous that you almost wonder has she given up?

And I ask the mom, 'What's your biggest fear?'

And she shares that her biggest fear is so very real that she just recently purchased life insurance for her daughter....her biggest fear is that her daughter is going to die before she sees 20.

Before. She. Sees. 20.

And she breaks. And her daughter?  Her daughter responds, 'I probably will be, but you know what? What does it matter, that's what everyone my entire has been telling me anyway.'

What the fuck kind of world have we created where 14 year old girls have no hope that they will live past 20?

Another day in another meeting with another family.....much tension--a 6 year old who bites and hits, steals and lies--has deep dark demons of the horrific things she has seen and experienced, a dad at his wits end with his own demons whispering in his ear....yet a love for each other so deep.

And I ask the dad, "What's your biggest fear?"

And he shares that his biggest fear is that he'll find out the truth of what he believes happened to her, while on a visit at her mom's house and that he won't be able to help her or face it and they'll drown in the pain.

And the daughter, she responds by saying, 'I just like hugging and doing bad. I don't know why. I wanna do good but it's like I can't.'

What the fuck kind of world have we created where 6 year old girls have had to live and experience monstrosities?

It's why I get so up in arms about jack asses that want to spout out shit about the city, and minorities (ps. one of these families is white) and horrible parents and absent daddies and judge and condemn and put up their noses.  You are them and they are you.

And think that they have no concerns about this....like...
'hey sorry they don't have their shit together'
'hey, 'merica's great again so shut up'
'hey, we all got problems'

It's overwhelming right?
It's enough to make you feel hopeless for sure.

And if I sometimes feel hopeless? How the hell am I supposed to help inspire hope into other's lives?

Which leads me to perseverance.

The definition is steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Steadfastness. Deep difficulty. Delay.

Having forward movement isn't necessary. And might not be happening. And you can still be persevering.  I might argue that is the only time you are ever are.

When you are moving forward, and it's difficult and there's delay, but there's movement....that's great. You keep going.

But when you are stuck. And there's no movement. And there's no change. And you keep going?

That's perseverance.

And I looked at that 14 year old and I said, 'But you're here. And you came to this meeting. And  you didn't have to. And you are strong and able to do great things, and you've lived through hard things. And you can wake up tomorrow and we're all here to help support you as you figure out why you want to.'

And I looked at that 6 year old and I said, 'I'm not sure either. Sometimes I don't do the right things. Everyone does bad stuff. And maybe there's a reason we don't know yet about why making good choices is hard for you and maybe we can find someone you can trust that you might like to tell

to help you figure it out.'

I normally cling to hope. 

And when I feel myself starting to drift to hopelessness...then I know it's time to self check. Time to rest. Time to regroup and refocus because I am being lazy about persevering.

Steadfastness. Firm and unwavering.

Difficult. Needing effort to accomplish,deal with or understand.

Delay. Late and postponed.

We gotta affect the world around us.

Those with hope?  We have to persevere. 

Because while you persevere?  

I wanna be right next to you persevering too.

I don't know another way.

That's what I got today.

My job, my people, my tribe.

I haven't been able to write. Not because of a jumbled brain or inability to formulate thoughts. Not because I've been too depressed to put pen to paper. So those are good things that I am grateful for.

But.

It's mostly because I am in a constant state of fighting my disdain for so many wretched things happening in the world around me.  I'm not sure if it's because of my sociology background, the fact that I've always been concerned about the world around me or what....but lately I've found myself so heavy whenever I've tried to write. How can I write with anything other than venom if I write about trump, or sexual assault, or mass shootings, or police brutality?  I seriously have stopped listening to any news about trump because it makes me not just pissed that he is such a joke of a president but also that people voted for him. I mean seriously. Someone for the love of all things holy take his damn twitter account away.

But I digress.  See how easily that happens?  It's like my blood pressure rises just thinking about it.

And honestly?

I have enough of each day and the people that are in my sphere to focus elsewhere.

My job. I get to help young people with mental health diagnosis navigate their world and help build a team to come along side them and their family to try and support them as they focus on meeting the youth's needs. This is heart wrenching and rewarding.  There is so much hopelessness out in the world today. There is such a need for healing.

My people. I am blessed to have a world very specifically chosen to be filled with people like me and people not. I eat lunch with, go to coffee with, serve with, laugh with and cry with people who struggle to pay their rent and those who own boats and multiple homes. Those who are devoted to their love of Christ and those who ran from the church for the horrific way they were treated. Those who bring other people's children into their homes and those who are fighting to find ways to keep their own.

My tribe. My tribe is not perfect....but they are full of love and respect and light. They fight for each other and for the underdog. They set high expectations and yet they are learning to extend themselves grace when they don't always reach them. They are individuals yet an intricate part of our team. It's amazing to watch them interact with each other and the world around them.  It is heart breaking when they experience disappointment or setbacks...it is heart warming when they achieve a goal or smile from inner joy.

It's not that I don't want to stay aware of the things that are happening around me. Especially when they come against my job, people and tribe. But I must put it in perspective because there is too much going on daily that I need my heart for.

So regardless of content and regardless of ache. I'm going to share what I have to say. I'm not going to censor myself any longer.

It might not always be pretty. But it will always be me.

That's what I got today. 

Not unicorns

My husband has a lot of great t-shirts that he likes to wear. They represent his heart and thoughts about racism, black pride, black history, etc. He often gets comments and most definitely gets looks. 

The Black Lives Matter shirt of course gets a mix of 'Love your shirt' and 'What about all lives matter' comments.

His Black Panther t-shirt of course gets a lot of fists in the air or pursed lips on frowned faces.

His 'Danger: Educated Black Man' seems to evoke either great joy or extreme irritation.

His 'I Defy Sterotypes' seems to be a crowd pleaser to all.

Today. Was an interesting day.  He was wearing a newer shirt that he hasn't worn before and the statement on the shirt is: 'I am my ancestors wildest dreams'.

We were in Barnes and Nobles and we had separated, looking for a book I wanted to buy. I heard someone talking to him and saw that it was a woman we had gone to church with at Elmbrook (who by the way KNOWS from a Facebook argument quite awhile ago that I cannot tolerate her racist ideology and thankfully knew not to come and say hi when Marlon pointed me out to her). When Marlon and I reconnected he asked if had seen who he was talking to. I said yes. He told me that what she had said when she saw his shirt was kind of strange and caught him off guard. She looked at him and said, 'That shirt is totally cracking me up!'  He told me that if he hadn't been caught so off guard he should have asked her, 'Why?' 

Later when we were in line to check out the woman in front of us read his shirt, laughed and then said, 'Well, that's a nice shirt but you know it could go either way.'  She was kind of old so I didn't ask, but I wanted to say, 'What do you mean by that?'

1. What about that quote is hilarious?

2. What other way could it go?

Help me. What am I missing?  

Seriously. Any help you can give me would be great.

I know that it is easy to fall prey to the stererotypes. I know that we can all overlook our own bias and prejudice and we have to actively examine our own racist ideology in order to break free from it.

And I also know that there are just crazy racist people who say ignorant stuff about 'niggas' and 'thugs' and 'them' and 'those people'.  I do my best to stay away from folks who think like that and just hold them at arm's length because.  Well, I'm too old to be whooping anyone's ass.  

But it's the best intention people that intrique me. And I don't think I will ever understand.

People who think it is disrespectful to the flag to kneel. Why?  And if you still stick to that thinking....are you making and sharing memes about all of the people who go to the concessions stand, talk on their phone or go to the bathroom during the anthem?  Because, I mean that's being disrespectful too then, right? And if the kneeling bothers you for the reason you say it does, then those other things should piss you off just as much, correct?  Or maybe deep down t's really the movement of black men protesting police brutality and the killing of black men that bothers you.

People who think it is disrespectful to cops to wear a Black Lives Matter t-shirt or be a part of the BLM movement. Why? All lives DON'T matter so please get outta here with that crap. I mean they do, of course, but our country is not reflective of all mattering...it is a part of the fabric that we began on. And the simple fact that white people get SO PISSED about the Black Lives Matter movement?  Well, that's one of the first indications that all lives don't matter. 

People who understand protest but just wish it wasn't volatile and didn't get so violent. Why? The 60s were spent with much non-violent protest and white people hated that too. Just ask Martin Luther King Jr's family. That's a cop out to me. To try and dictate what kind of protest and what kind of outrage there should be? To say, 'But maybe others would listen better if you met them halfway with a strong, silent kind of protest, one they better understood.'  Maybe. But maybe others have had plenty of time to listen but really they don't give a damn because what doesn't affect them, doesn't affect them. 

People who try to understand and be considerate of a racist's point of view. That will never be me. Not now. I have not patience for that willful ignorance. Because today there are plenty of books, movies, articles, groups, and people to learn from to begin to understand the human experience of being non white in this country. So if someone is racist in this day and age?  They are racist because they choose to be. And I ain't got time for that. 

I could go on and on. 

My sons who are all in college. They are not unicorns. 

My husband who is an involved dad. He is not a unicorn.

My coworkers who are professionals. They are not unicorns. 

My family that has both triumph and trouble. Is not a unicorn. 

And the less people see my sons, husband, coworkers and family as unicorns?

I believe the less people will think it's hilarious that my husband is proud to be his ancestor's wildest dreams.

That's what I've got today.