I'm tired....but God.

Today is a day I woke up tired. Tired of black men being killed and it's just another day. Tired of being weary that my own husband and sons must do and be that much more so that a biased society might see them as more than their color. Tired of folks being more worried about not stirring the pot than saying what they really feel.

This most recent shooting? Good that the officer lost his job. Good that he's been charged. Have you seen the video? He should.  I have only the video at this time to base my opinion...but he's an awful cop. 

The fear family members of honorable officers feel? Can I relate? Why yes, it's the fear I share as well. Is my loved one safe?  It stinks. Only the full surrender to my belief that God is sovereign can bring ANY peace.

But that's secondary. Because as I watch that video over and over. And yes, I've watched it over and over. What is primary as I weep...is that this is nothing new. This situation?
It's happened before.
It will happen again.

And but for the video....this could've been one of many other news stories we've heard about recently.

The recent memes and videos that share the talk parents MUST have with their children of color....that's real. We've had that talk. And you continue to have to have it. My son's are constantly reminded of it by my husband and I.  I laugh when people say, just tell them to take their phone out and video tape it.  Really? So an officer can be worried it's a gun he's grabbing for and kill him and be justified?

Think of all the news stories. And then I want you to replace the black victim who died with a white person you know of similar age...same details you know about. Would the story seem off to you?  Think of all the news stories. And replace the black victim with a black person you know of similar age....same details you know about. Now?

I'm tired of explaining myself. Of people taking the defense and spewing out all the details they "know" that most definitely justifies the shooting.  Really, unless you were there--you don't know any more or less than me so allow me my opinion, fears and need to process.

I'm tired of hearing news stories of another unarmed black man dying. And yes, black on black crime is horrific as well...I don't need all you nice people to remind me of that. I choose to work in an area where I can hopefully make a difference for future generations, if it upsets you...what are you doing about it?

I'm tired of having to surrender my fear to God that if my son would get pulled over for something, whether legitimate or not, there's a real possibility he could be not just shot, but gunned down.

Evil is real. And darkness lurks and sometimes consumes. That is not new. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

But God. He is sovereign. And good. And just. And I do fall on my knees, crying out to Him...over and over. It is what keeps me sane at times.

Yet I know I have a voice. And I know that, with Him, I can and do make a difference in lives. And I know He has plan and purpose for every day.

So I keep on keeping on. Love and support my husband. Love and teach my sons. Love and educate the families I work with. Love and listen to people with different opinions. And love my God with all that I am, because it's all I know how to do to keep from destruction.

I'm tired and worn. But I must allow Him to redeem, refresh and restore my weary soul.

Love wins.

Don't talk about it. Be about it.

So this past month I had kind of a special thing happen.  An article that I wrote was published in a magazine. I say special carefully because I really do cherish that word.  Special is a word I reserve for amazing heart touching things....like holding your child for the first time.  Like feeling a cool breeze you know was intended just to settle your spirit. Like seeing a family reunite at the airport.


How and why would I put something as selfish as being authentically happy in the same category as those things? Well....


I love to write.  And when I'm disciplined I write quite often.  What I'm thinking, what's in my heart, what I see.  Even.  Well this will sound bizarre I'm sure, but I'm often writing in my head.  Kind of like Wonder Years where there's a monologue of prose ongoing?  Yeah, that. 


And not in a boastful way, but I've been told that people enjoy my writing.  That I should write more.  That they would read a book if I wrote it.  It certainly feels good.  But after time and time again of trying to 'force' myself to write, I know that none of that is reason enough to write.  That doesn't cause me to write. 


And having something to say, isn't really reason enough to write.  I mean, we all have something to say---don't we?  It's just whether or not we exercise our ability to say it.  And sometimes, what I have to say...isn't very uplifting or encouraging....is probably too raw and honest to see in print and so then NOT writing is actually a better choice.


So I've been praying.  And seeking.  And reading.  And asking.  In the midst, from MAJOR encouragement from an old friend and my husband, I followed through on a first writing 'ask' and ended up in Children's Ministry Magazine.  Because this old friend knew I would have something to offer for this writing task....she helped to orchestrate the ask, which led to my accepting the opportunity to write.  And my husband?  Toward the deadline...when I was dawdling....hemming and hawing about finishing...he basically just said, 'Do this.'   So I did.


And the feeling in my heart when I opened the magazine and saw the article?  I can't quite explain it.   And it didn't even matter if nobody ever read it. It represented so much to me.  Obedience.  Discipline. Expression. Self care. Following through on a dream.  I really do desire to write a book for moms.  I don't know entirely what that looks like. 


And so.  I've determined that in order for writing to happen, I have to give myself opportunity to write.  My season of life doesn't allow for a lot of margin.  But I have it.  And I need to be intentional about creating space to write.  I told my bible study ladies that I'm challenging myself to identify a time each week where I must write.  And then I'm going to write it in my calendar as an appointment.  So it doesn't fall to the wayside.  So I can't easily say, 'I'll do it tomorrow.'  And the next time we meet they get to hold me accountable to AT LEAST have identified the time.  (I move slow people.)  This is going to be difficult for me.  Because I enjoy doing for others and struggle with doing for self.  So to make this an ongoing thing will be hard, but I'm an all or nothing person so I do believe the 'writing appointment' is how it's going to happen.


My husband and I tell our kids often, Don't talk about it.  Be about it.  That's what I want to do here.  Be about it.  So.  The only way to be about it.  Is to "do".  So I'm gonna do.  And we'll see what happens.


Special.


So that's what I got today.

Just a lil Step It Up

Today at work during a great discussion about the shelter, the women we minister to, our call, work ethic, being Christ like...my boss shared that God has pressed on her heart the following....step it up.

It resonated with me greatly.  And I've been marinating on it ever since.

If we challenge ourselves to 'step it up'...what does that look like?  And where do I, do we collectively need to step it up?

What if I stepped up my grace?  (God's unmerited favor) If I extended even a wee bit of the abounding grace that God extends to me?  How transforming might that be in my relationships, in the work place, in my ministry?  We can not earn God's grace.  And so we shouldn't have expectations of others to earn it either.  This doesn't mean lowering our standards.  But it does mean forgiving again and again.

What if I stepped up my love?  What if I walked in the love that God has for me?  If I first truly believed that I was loved and in turn showered that love on others?  Despite how they treat me?  Despite if they love me?  I'm not just talking about love for our spouse and children...but love for mankind?  For my community?  For those who think like I do and those that don't?  This doesn't mean being a doormat.  But it does mean opening my heart before my mouth.

What if I stepped up my obedience?  I think of this most significantly at work and in personal life.  Am I in the word daily.  Do I recognize authority and hold it with the respect that it deserves?  Am I willing to give up, or stop behaviors that aren't in line with God's truth or my job's rules?  If I don't agree with something....do I have the wherewith-all to have mature conversations about it or will I just choose to be disobedient?  I certainly can't hold others to a higher standard than I hold myself.  

What if I stepped up my humility?  That might sound like an oxymoron, but if I truly remembered my place.  That He is God and I am not.  I do not know everything.  I do not have the best ideas.  I am not anyone's Savior.  I can not exist and function in a bubble. I can do and be nothing that He does not allow.  He is amazing.  He is wonderful Counselor.  He redeems.  If we can all remember to put things in perspective and look outside of ourselves.  It is not all about us.

What if I stepped up my holiness?  Do I shield myself from things I should not see or hear?  Do I flee from temptation and sin?  Is the standard I have for myself as high as the standard I have for others?  Now I don't necessarily see holiness as a scale...like I'm level A holy today but I am working on level F...but I do think we make choices to turn from the Holy Spirit's leading and choose to shut out God's voice.

I love the idea of 'Stepping it Up'.  Not just as an organization but as an individual.  Time to 'get to steppin!!

That's what I got today.

Legacy

It's inevitable that tonight much of what is likely on our minds is Nelson Mandela and the amazing legacy he has left upon his death.

It got me thinking about him and his brilliant, humble mind and heart as well as legacy.

Quotable quotes have of course been flying all over the news, programming, social media....Nelson Mandela was a gifted speaker, eloquent and wise....so there is much to choose from.  Three such statements stick out to me...have resonated in my soul all evening.

'Live life as though nobody is watching, and express yourself as though everyone is listening.'

'What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.'

'A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens but its lowest ones.'

I love these sentiments.  They make me have hope, they inspire me to be more, they challenge me.  They are messages I hope I am instilling in my children.  And to others around me.

'Live life as though nobody is watching, and express yourself as though everyone is listening.'
Be free to be yourself.  Don't allow the 'majority' to pressure you if you don't actually agree with and align with their thinking.  Speak, write, create, draw your heart and soul to the world.  Take time to deliver well thought out messages.  If everyone is listening...then hopefully you are delivering a message worth hearing.

'What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived.  It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.'
Who cares how much money you make.  Who cares what kind of car you drive.  Who cares what you do for a living.  Who cares what kind of house you live in.  None of that matters.  How the people in your circle think of you isn't as significant as those who aren't.  Are you kind?  Are you compassionate?  Are you loyal? Have you changed not just your life...but others?  What have you done for mankind?  What impact are you making on the people you meet everyday?  Make a difference.  Be light.  Love.

'A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens but its lowest ones.'
Who does our nation see as low?  Poor? Uneducated? Prisoners? Addicts?  Some feel that because there are 'programs' in place to handle 'those' people we are a great nation.  A nation is made up of government yes, but at the core...people.  How do YOU treat our lowest citizens?  And not just the politically correct way we've come to embrace in this country....but truly treat.  When nobody is looking.  The service person who makes a mistake with your order...the beggar on the median with a sign...the individual in a wheelchair who is taking up the salesperson's time...the single mom with four kids by four dads who signs up to be on your committee.

To live life on a daily basis embracing these ideals?

What a wonderful world it would be.

Thank you Nelson Mandela for paving the way.  Living the hard life making the hard decisions and walking the road less traveled.  Thank you for giving the world hope that one person can initiate change.  What a legacy.

That's what I got today.

Tired and Weary.

I'm tired.

I've been feeling it for a little bit.  And even voicing it, which normally I avoid until I'm beyond exhausted, for a little bit.

My body is weary.  I have some reoccurring issues with my neck/back and a new issue with my shoulder.  My feet have recently been aching and the arthritis I've been told for years I have in my knees might actually have started to affect me.  It's no wonder I am moving slow.

My mind is clogged.  I have a more than full plate between now and the end of the year.  All good things.  Almost all necessary things.  But very much. I have several individuals weighing on my heart heavily.  I am trying to process everything going on and keep it all straight in my head.  It's no wonder I feel a day late and dollar short.

My schedule is full.  Between work, church, and family obligations...I am not sure if anything else could fit.  Christmas hustle and bustle.  Wrapping and parties and gatherings.  Meeting expectations and keeping appointments.  It's no wonder I can't keep days straight and think I'm free when I'm not.

My emotions are spent.  In a day I can find myself joking with co-workers and within in moments talking a mom down from going off on her child.  The extreme highs and lows make a roller coaster seem level.  It's no wonder sometimes I am not sure how I'll respond to a specific situation.

All of this is true.  And it's not life threatening or devastating.  But at times it definitely feels debilitating.

And yet.  

In the midst of it all.  In the deep, dark places where I try to run and hide...where I go to pull the covers over my head and escape...I am continuously reminded of His refreshment.  Of His comfort and His ability to bring me supernatural energy and joy that simply can't be explained.

If I choose not to work/live/function through the pain of my body....would anyone fault me?  Maybe not.  But to work/live/function through the pain provides me with opportunity to see just how comforting He is. When I call on His name, He gives me what I need for that moment. Allows me to appreciate days when I feel well and 100%.  It's taught me to slow down and be in tune with my body and what I can and can't do. I'm still realizing.

If I choose not to pay attention to all of my responsibilities...would anyone fault me?  Maybe not.  But to pay attention to them, even when my mind wants to wander and focus on candy crush instead, provides me with the opportunity to see just how strong He is. When I put everything in Him and allow Him to structure my day, He shows me how to prioritize.  Allows me to focus on one thing at a time.  It's reminded me that I can't be everything to everyone.  I'm still learning.

If I choose not to tackle my 'to-do' list....would anyone fault me?  Maybe not. But to maintain order and not be overwhelmed and shut down shows me what it means to allow Him to order my steps.  When I stop in the midst of chaos and ask Him to lead me....He shows me what to do first.  I feel a sense of peace when I bring Him into my day.  I've learned to let go of caring about things that don't matter.  It's helped me enjoy anointed appointments where I know I was right where He needed me to be, doing what He needed me to do. I'm still discovering.

If I choose to allow my emotions to run wild...to fly off the handle and lose control....would anyone fault me?  Maybe not.  But to do my best to lay it all at the foot of the cross, to remember the Holy Spirit is my helper and dwells in me gives me a sense of stability even when I am spinning out of emotional control.  In the midst of both triumph and struggle He is there.  My emotions are not my enemy but they don't control me either.  It encourages me to be okay in my emotions and share them.  I'm still embracing.

I am tired.

And you might be too.

If you are...try being tired in Him.  Try giving Him your weary self and see what happens.  He is able.  

Isaiah 40:38-31
Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and even His understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

That's what I got today.

Oh ladies, ladies, ladies....

One of the things that struck me today at mentor training was the comments the facilitators made regarding our young people and how difficult it is to not get distracted by the negative things in society because they are all around them.  That between the internet, radio, movies, music, etc. it is virtually impossible to not get sucked into things that they shouldn't.  One comment said that the average male views his first pornographic image at age 10...often times on the very devices, cable, etc that his parents have brought into his home.  That many of our young women will possibly never realize and own their own beauty because of the lies that we feed them about how they should look, dress, interact with men.  If you have viewpoints that are conservative...you are somehow the problem.  The prude.  Yet when our young people fall prey to thoughts, warped self images and lewd behavior in response to these societal norms...most of us balk and are upset.  It's so deep seeded.

It's been on my mind all day.  Partly because of my job.  I see and love on women everyday who have no hope and have fallen prey to warped thinking that their worth is somehow linked to what a man thinks of them.  Partly because of today.  Looking at the young ladies at the Challenge Academy and wondering where we as a society have failed them and what can we do to change it.  And partly because I went through a period in my life where my thinking was so warped that I actually thought I was exerting my SHE-RA power by dressing how I wanted, letting it all hang out--using sex to control and participating in all kinds of harmful behaviors.

Our young girls live in a society...heck even us women....where there are entire shows in which the premise is to find a man.  Or...to be the woman that a man finds.  Or...to act like a complete ass--cursing people out, fighting and falling out of their clothes, drunk as a skunk.  Or...to be an uber bitch who bullies others to get what they want.  Or....to subtly get tittie shots and camoflauge it as a lingerie pro-woman show.  And this is entertainment.  And we watch.  And we laugh.  And we somehow feel we've arrived?  Like we are in control and calling the shots?  SHAME ON US!!!!!  I hardly think this is what Helen Reddy was refering to when she belted out, 'I am woman hear me roar!!'

I'm talking to the ladies here.

Forget the men.  That's an entire different topic.  They can deal with each other on that one.  And there is a lot of work to do because TV, the internet, videos have become so blatantly sexualized that many of them are desensitized to it.  What they allow in front of their eyes....well, that's their sin to deal with.

I'm talking to the ladies here.

Where in the world have we gone wrong.

For myself, I remember the first time I realized I had power over a man.  That by simply dancing a certain way....or smiling a certain way....I could elicit a response.  It was funny to me.  That I was strong and they were weak.  I'm not sure if I consciously thought...'I've got the power!' or not...but looking back I know that I behaved as if I did. What a joke.  Do we not see how the upper hand in this scenario is still in the man's control?  I was weak.  Because I was allowing their response to dictate my behavior.  Not the other way around.  This is Satan's trick.  Be aware.  Because that quickly becomes a trap. He is always lurking and waiting to seek, kill and destroy.

What we feel builds our self esteem?  Really...it destroys it.  Because suddenly our worth...rests on the attention of a man.  Rests on what he thinks of us.  And it cuts us to the core as we begin to compare ourselves to other women around us.  Who is pulling attention?  Who is wearing what? What do they have that I don't have?  Are we doing enough?  Are we worthy enough?  Are we sexy enough?  Does he want me?  Does he love me?  Does he find me desirable?

And when did THAT become the marker of being a confidant, approachable and desirable woman?  Being sexy?  Hey ladies, guess what?  That is all a lie.  The thinking that being sexy=having power is a lie from the pit of hell.  Sexy gets you NOTHING of substance that lasts for more than a night.  Let me repeat that.

Sexy gets you NOTHING of substance that lasts for more than a night.

I want our young ladies....all of us...to look beyond looks.  Scripture tells us this...that man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart.  Those of us that are believers in Christ might know a song or two with those lyrics...we might quote it when someone is down...or even repeat it to ourselves when we are having a 'fat' day.  But you know what.

It's true.  And somehow when it comes to how we view ourselves....we don't live as if it's true. We might use it to help a friend who is struggling....but that's not the same as claiming it as truth for our lives. We need to start living as if it's true.

Our young ladies need to see us standing tall and carrying ourselves with confidance...without worrying about being 'sexy'.  Everytime I see a young girl on FB or twitter with her chest stuck out and her ass pushed back....her lips all pouty and 'that look' in her eyes I want to slap her.  Okay, cover my son's eyes and then slap her.  But you know what?  There's a whole lotta grown folk doing that too.  So how do I fault a 14, 16, 18 year old for it?  We've set the stage.

Our young ladies need to see us valuing ourselves for our dedication to our families, our careers, our education rather than our wardrobes and shoes and make up.  What we talk about, what we watch on TV, what we spend our time doing...is what matters to us.  What do others around you see as your worth?  If we asked a young person in your life what gives you confidance...what would they say?

Our young ladies need to see us.  Women we need to step up and step in.  Everyone doesn't always have a momma with sense.  Who are the young people in your life, in your sphere of influence...that you are having hard conversations with?  So we need to clean up our act.  We need to act right.  We need to make conscious decisions about what we allow in our lives, what we put up with.  We need to find out if we really value ourselves as more than a pretty face, or tight tush, or fancy pants.  We might say we do.  I mean after all, it's the hoo-rah-rah battle cry...that we are independent, strong women who can handle it.  But at our core...does our behavior reflect that thinking?

Find a young woman this week and give her a hug.  Then have a real conversation.  About real issues.  Not the latest fad, or who he picked at the end of the season, not where the best hairstylist is or which club has the 'finest' men. But real talk.  Her future might depend on it.

That's what I got today.

Boys 5 Girls 1

As I sat in my house today listening to my husband and sons talking, bantering, laughing...about girls and sports and college and girls...occasionally having the opportunity to interject into the conversation I thought about my life since Jordyn left for college in 2009.  Other than occasional times that my lil cousin Alyssa lived with us...I have been the only female in our home.  This gives me great joy, but also sometimes leaves me rather lonely and feeling like an outsider.

And it's hard really, because I LOVE that my guys get along, enjoy doing things together.  I LOVE that my husband is involved and fully a part of parenting.  I LOVE that my boys respect him and his opinion.  I wouldn't want those things to change for anything.  To bring anything up with regards to this is awkward and often makes us all uncomfortable.  It makes them feel pressure and like they've done something wrong.  Like they can't be themselves.  It makes me feel guilty that I've somehow ruined the party.  Often times it's easier to just sit quietly, smile and listen or find something else to do.

A few days ago two friends of the boys came for dinner.  Young ladies who have become close to the family.  I think they were slightly in shock at the pandemonium that is our home.  Playful kidding that becomes arguing, light taps that turn into right hooks, conversation that somehow always returns to sports and stats.  At one point one of the girls said, 'How do you survive?'  It was said, 'Come to dinner once a week so she has someone to talk to. I laughed but a small part of me felt sad for some reason.                   

At work I'm often teased that it's easy to tell that I spend a lot of time around boys because of my brass humor, quick wit and reactions to situations.  Soaked up all that testosterone is how it was explained I believe.  It makes me glad that I've loosened up some and can be 'one of the boys' but it makes me miss those girly girl times too.

Earlier this week I had to mail off a questionnaire to someone I am mentoring about me.  One of the questions was to write down three dreams that I have.  And every single thing that I came up with was a dream I have for Marlon...or for the kids.  For a moment I thought...well, that's a good thing.  It means I'm invested in their goals, I'm concerned about helping them reach for the sky but it also made me sad to think that somehow I've lost part of me.

I found myself feeling frustrated.  Like what big life dreams are there that I set aside and need to pick back up. What have I been missing out on?  My husband and kids are involved in activities, how come I'm not?  Will I even know myself when all of the kids are gone?  Will my hubby still love me?  Will he want to spend time with me?  What do I have to offer other than being a wife and mother?

This then moved to thinking....maybe that's how it's supposed to be.  Maybe in motherhood and 'wifedom', when we love hard and give fully...we do get lost for a little bit.  Maybe our goals should be their goals.  Maybe our free time should be focused on them.  And maybe it just is what it is.  Not anything that anyone is doing wrong.  

Part of who I am is a wife.  Part of who I am is a mom.  And that doesn't negate other facets of me. But I've CHOSEN to make them priorities.  I've CHOSEN to set aside some of my own dreams so that I can be involved in theirs. Not in a martyr way...but in a self sacrificial way. While I might wish I could sit at the spa all day or dinner with the girls or reading the newest book or wandering through a museum in the moment....I wouldn't want to miss a minute of this life.  This reality.  Football stories, track stats, off color jokes, feeling occasionally left out and all. 

 I'm still me.  Just not the me I was.  And I'm okay with that.

That's what I got today.