Damaged....

I have been married over 14 years.  It's been the most wonderful and difficult relationship I've ever been in.  I had always dreamed and planned on being married.  The thought of being a wife was special to me.

Looking back on relationships that I had prior to my husband...it's quite amazing that I'm sitting here; full of love and content with my life...with the strong, loyal, patient bear I'm married to sleeping upstairs.

I made so many mistakes.

I gave away myself without regard for the cost.
I pretended to be someone I wasn't to make someone happy.
I withheld my love.
I refused to be vulnerable.
I chose men who did not care about me.
I chose men who were not healthy.
I chose men who were selfish.
I was selfish.
I was immature.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was not a believer so I didn't have a biblical foundation to pattern my steps after.  I did have loving parents and they had a great marriage.  But there was also much brokenness of love around me.  There was a world beckoning me to give in and give it up.

I put up with things that nobody should ever put up with from a boyfriend.  I lied to and WAS lied to. I used my sexuality to control.  I allowed myself to be controlled.

So much damage.

I was a damaged girl.  Danity Kane had this song out called, Damaged.  The chorus says, 'I thought that I should let you know that my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged...and you can blame the one before, so how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it.'  I remember once telling my sons that if they met a girl like that to RUN, RUN, RUN...lol.  But I guess if someone had told Marlon that we wouldn't be together!

Here's the thing.

I brought that damage into my marriage.  And it hurt it.  Sometimes, it STILL hurts it.  It is hard work to put the past in it's proper place.  It took a lot of time to forgive myself.  

God is so loving.  And faithful.  He never fails and always sustains.

And for every lie I was told.  He shows me the truth.
For every immoral act..  He created me new.
For every weak, broken action.  He patterns me in His likeness.
For every hurt.  He is joy.

His son died on a cross for every sin, every condemnation, every wicked way in me.  Through His sacrifice I can live eternally in Heaven.  His word is my living word and I have helper in the Holy Spirit

I am no longer that damaged young woman.
I left her at the cross.

She is a part of who I was but she does not determine who I am.


That's what I got today.

If We are the Body...

Have you heard the song If We are the Body?

This song has always touched me.  It's not that I don't think the body never helps, never teaches, never reaches...but I worry that we get it wrong more often than we think we do.  Pride is never pretty.  But it's even less attractive from those that should know better.

May I never become complacent and settle for my own poor behavior.  May I never become boastful in something that has nothing to do with me.  May I never think that I have it figured out...or that there is a 'right' way to do ministry or a 'right' way to reach people or a 'right' way to deliver the gospel.

I think of the girl mentioned in the first verse.
What happens when this girl enters our youth groups...our bible study...our congregation?

The man in the second verse.
Does he feel welcome?  If he isn't dressed right...doesn't "fit in"...is he treated with the same welcome?


We don't get to pick and choose who comes.
And when we think we do.  Shame on us.

We don't get to send people away that don't fit in or act right.
And when we think we do.  Have mercy on us.

When I hear this song I usually cry.

I cry because I know that girl.
I cry because I know that traveller.

And I cry because I never want to get in His way with my agenda.  And I grieve for times I know I have.

My life would be nothing without Him.
I can't even imagine where I would be without Him.
How painful and sorrowful life would be without the hope of the cross!
I can't even imagine how I would handle heartache without His peace!

To think that I might hinder that relationship for someone else in anyway...it drives me to stay close to Him and remember that He is God and I am not.  I want to share His love and truth with others so that they might know the freedom that comes from following fast after Christ.  It's not about how they act.  What they wear.  What they say.  What they look like or even if they follow all of the "rules".  It's not about me.  It's only about Him.

That's what I got today.

So you're saying that's sin?!

I had a few interactions the other day that have stuck with me and been rattling around in my brain.

While leading a study on John 1:1-5 I opened up the last few minutes for questions.  Based on the attitudes and skepticism of the group to that point, I almost hesitated to do so,  but I had promised that I would, so I had to keep my word.

The first few questions were based much on asking my opinions about different things.  One young lady asked a parenting question which led to sharing an example from my own family.  Another asked what I really thought about forgiveness which led to sharing an example of a person I have to forgive over and over.  One asked about Heaven and I shared about my Grandpa who would soon be meeting Jesus.
Then the kicker.

'So I have a question for you.  I guess I'm wondering your opinion on something.  Because I know how I feel about it, but I'm wondering what you do.  So, like, I'm married okay.  But we aren't together and haven't been so it's whatever.  And now I love my boyfriend and I know he's the one and we have this baby and we want to make things work but because I'm still married it's like kind of weird.  So what, based on what you believe, you're telling me that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

'The two of us loving each other and being together and having this baby, because I'm a "married woman" (and she made quotes in the air)...that's a sin?'

'Yes.'

At this point she leaned forward a little and got this smirk on her face.  'But my husband and I have not even been together in like years. So it's like we're divorced.  And he's moved on too.  And I have this baby now.  This precious gift.  But you're saying me being with him is sinning.'

'Yes.'

Another participant looked from me to her, from me to her and then said, 'Wow, I guess she told you!'

I kind of shook my head and said, 'Are you married to one man and having a sexual relationship with another?'  The woman said, 'Well yes.'  She paused. 'So that's like adultery right?'

I nodded. 

'Well.  Thank you.  At least you were honest with me.  I've asked that question to two other people here and I could tell that they thought it was but they wouldn't come out and tell me so.'

Then I asked if I could expand a little.

I shared with her that I couldn't judge her for her choices, but I couldn't pretend that it wasn't sin just to save her feelings.  I told her that I didn't know where she was at with her relationship with Christ and so I didn't know if that's something that matters to her or not.  Before I was a believer there were things I chose to do that I knew inside of me were wrong for moral reasons, but didn't really have a biblical foundation to temper that against.  I also shared with her that based on the fact that she even asked the question...I was wondering if she was either trying to "catch" me being hypocritical or if somewhere inside of herself she already felt that it was sin and wanted someone else to say it.

I shared with her that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God.  I shared with her that we have free will and so we have choices.  That we are not slaves to sin because God sent His son Jesus Christ to suffer persecution, die on the cross and rise from the dead so that we might live for eternity.  That Satan does not have any power over us that we do not allow because death has been defeated by the victory of the cross!!  I told her that God loves her, each of us, despite our sin.  

She told me that there's always been a part of her that thought that might be part of why things don't seem to go well with this new relationship and that maybe she needs to think about ending the first one before trying to make the second one work. She also said she was glad I didn't try to sugercoat anything.

Class ended.  For a brief moment I wondered if I might have gone a little too direct knowing there were other ladies in the room and that we hadn't had a ton of time to really discuss the situation.  Would she think I was too harsh, had I expressed myself clearly and with love...  All of that got cut very short because that is when I got the voicemail that my Grandpa Skinner had died and the next hour was spent making calls, crying with my co-workers and processing.  As I was getting ready to leave, one of my coworkers let me know that one of the ladies might say something to me because she had seen the crying and asked her what was wrong.  She had let her know my grandfather had died.  My coworker wanted to give me the heads up.

Moments later there was a knock on the office door.  I opened it and it was the woman from class.  She asked if she could talk to me for a minute.  I stepped into the hallway and she got tears in her eyes and said, "I heard about your Grandpa.  You were just talking about him!  I wanted to say I'm really sorry!" And then she hugged me.  And we cried.  And we hugged. 

I thanked her.  She told me that she was going to pray for me and my family and told me again that she was sorry.  I thanked her again and told her to have a good weekend.

Be prepared to be taught lessons when you are least expecting them. Grateful.

That's what I got today.

Matthew 7:1-5

So as I was reading the bible this morning I got to Matthew 7.

The disclaimer I have here is that I am not a devoted, devout daily bible reader.  I try to be.  And sometimes I am.  When I worked at the church I was...but more often than not it was in preparation for a teaching or curriculum or study than just because I wanted to read for myself.  So in the last few months I admit that I only open it a few days a week.  I write this to encourage you that if it's been days, weeks or years since you've opened your bible.  Today could be the day you start.

I digress.

Matthew 7: 15 says this, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Yikes.

Talk about conviction.  Because I judge.  Even in an effort not to judge, I judge.  And so often in relationships it's easy to look at all of the things about the other person that we wish were different.  Meanwhile there's a laundry list of behaviors, choices, thoughts, actions that we do that need to be changed.

For me, I always have to go back to one thing.

I live for an audience of One.  And I desire for every thought and deed to be in line with what He commands.  I fail at that miserably by the way.  But it's what I desire.  And it's why I get up every morning and set about to get it right.

My marriage to Marlon has been wonderful teaching ground for this passage. 

There are things that I know Marlon might change about me if he could.  There are things I might change about him if I could.  But how selfish would it be of us to think that somehow our thoughts and our designs of who the other should be are right?

We spent time thinking this way.  We've verbally and emotionally hurt each other.  We've blamed each other for our own sin.  We've thought our way was the right way and why can't (s)he just think like us.  What a waste of time.  And disobedient.

I am not perfect.  And the more I focus on what I think Marlon, or whoever else, needs to change, the less I will be concerned with where God is working in me.

We have a wonderful pastor friend who over the years has given us that kind of 'just what you need when you need it' kind of advice and counsel.  One time when we were in his office he asked us if we would be willing to do something.  Something that we probably wouldn't want to do because of how upset with each other we were.  Something that we probably wouldn't think the other person deserved.  But would we do it anyway.  Probably just as much out of our respect for him as our desire to get out of the pit we were in, we agreed.  Here is what he told us (this was years ago so paraphrased of course...lol)

"There are probably a lot of things that you would change about each other.  And probably a lot of things you each could change.  There are a lot of ways that you are not meeting each other needs.  Marlon, Mindy has needs that you aren't meeting.  Mindy, Marlon has needs that you aren't meeting.  For one week, I want you to let that go.  Forget about all of the shortcomings the other person has in meeting your needs.  And instead I want you to concentrate on doing your best to meet all of their needs."

This changed everything about our relationship.

It's not to say that it's perfect now.  Not in the least.  We get frustrated.  We fall back into old patterns.  We sin.  We become lazy in remembering that God is the third strand and Satan can not separate us!!

But. 

I know that this relationship is not about me being happy.  I know that it's not my job to point out Marlon's flaws or pray that God changes him.  If I find myself falling into that kind of thinking...then I know it's time to repent and realign my thinking with Matthew 7:1-5.  His ways are always better than my ways.  And "better" is such a simple word that I cringe a little to even write it. His ways are vast, faithful, mysterious, life-changing, life giving, forever.  Mine are more often than I'd like to admit selfish, hasty and irritable.

I'm glad this was part of my passage today.  I needed this reminder in several places in my life right now.

That's what I got today.

My Grandpa Frank

We waste time.

We waste time being selfish and angry and punishing others and keeping score and finding fault and hurting each other.

In the end.  None of that matters.

My Grandpa Skinner is in his last days of life.  I know that God determines when our time here on earth ends...but there are all the tell tale signs that it will not be long.  He has Alzheimer's and has been slowly deteriorating and you know what? 

Over the years.  He did a lot of things that weren't very nice.  He said a lot of things that were hurtful.  He made some poor choices.

And none of that matters.

He loved the best that he could with what he had to give.
Affection and closeness were ackward for him.  I remember giving him hugs and kisses when I was younger and wondering why he didn't hug me as tightly as my other grandparents.  Hugging him as I got older, I was more in tune to realize that he wasn't really comfortable with affection.  Hugging him these past few years, before the Alzheimer's really set in...I remember him saying "Oh boy, I get a hug, thanks so much."

He cared deeply about us.
I took time this afternoon to look through some of his personal items.  Just little odd and ends like old cards, some 1970s cassette tapes and one of those OLD metal address cases.  The kind where you slide the metal piece to the right letter and then when you open it...it's at the right page.  We were all in there.  Every child.  Every grandchild.  And not just once.  But every time we moved-our new addresses.  Our new phone numbers.  When we got married-our spouses name next to ours.  Birthdates.  Addresses and phone numbers of some of his nieces and nephews.  In his little old man handwriting.

What in the world is there worth harboring old hurts and anger for?  What purpose would that serve now as he lies helpless in a hospital bed?  What does it matter what happened a lifetime ago?

Today while I trimmed his fingernails I prayed for him.  For us.

That we would make each moment count. 
Never hesistate to say, "I love you."

That we would let go of keeping score.
There is no point in trying to figure out who hurt who first or who hurt who deeper or who "owes" the other more.

That we would stop being selfish.
Our happiness is not the most important thing.  If we are living simply so that WE can be happy, then we are always going to be sadly disappointed.  

That we would remember to say, "I love you."  "You matter."  "I have time for you."  "I am glad you are in my life."

Do not waste a moment harboring ill will.
Do not hold onto the past.
Do not withhold love.

Grandpa Skinner.  I will remember that you always came to my plays and shows.  I will remember your awesome sense of humor.  I will remember that you sent me cards when I was in school in Chicago. I will remember that you never judged me for having children before I was married.  I will remember that you always had great conversations with Marlon about the Philippines and Tele Mundo TV.  I will remember that you supported Marlon while he was in ministry.  I will remember that when you started to lose your memory and couldn't remember our names...when we would hug you, you would say, "Wow, such a nice hug from a beautiful lady." 

I will remember the smile on your face when my mom would tell you she loved you and forgave you and there was nothing to worry about and that she was there with you because she wanted to be.

That's what I got today.

I wanna be for and not against....

I recently heart T.D. Jakes say this in an interview, "I want to be known for what I am for, rather than what I am against."

I love this statement.  And have been thinking about it the past few days since I heard it.

And I realize that surface level it might seem contrite...like a yin yang....if you are "for" this...then you are likely still "against" the same things you were against before.  But I think it's deeper than that.

We spend a lot of time worrying about what we are against.  It's how we explain our religious views, it's how we explain our political views, it's how we choose where to send our kids to school, where to live, who to have as friends, etc. etc.

But what if instead of being quick to point out what's wrong with other perspectives...why we can't stand something....how a viewpoint is wrong....we can't believe anyone would feel that way....we shared what we are against in a way that didn't degrade, denounce or disrespect others?

It takes much of the anger out of debates and discussion if we express our opinions as what we are for instead of what we are against.  We might even find that in some areas we actually are for the same thing...we just don't agree on how it plays out.

I am for love.  Period.  I can't claim to love Christ and the gospel and then say, post, or write messages of hate.  I can't be for love and then turn around and justify hate.  Love is a choice and so I must constantly self check am I loving.  Love wins.

I am for giving.  If I have something it is likely I won't have it for long because I'll probably give it away...lol.  Details don't matter much to me and what I'm giving doesn't much either.  Money, stuff, time, myself... I always tell myself scripture doesn't say that the Samaritan asked the man in the road a lot of questions before he gave him help.  He just helped.  He didn't find out why he was in the road and then decide if it warranted his help.  He saw the need and gave.

I am for unity.  I believe true, authentic unity happens not by everyone thinking, looking and acting the same but because even with different perspectives, lifestyles, culture and passions there is like-mindedness in acceptance.  (Love helps with this incidentally.)  I love respectful debate and hard conversations.  I love understanding where someone is coming from and having them understand you as well.

I've got a lot more thinking to do on this.  I've been chewing on it for days and think that I likely will continue to.

But that's what I got today.

Actions & Reactions

There's a quote that goes something like "You are only responsible for your actions and reactions.  Not the actions and reactions of others."

I think that there are some folks who don't like this kind of a quote because they think it gives a person free reign to be a bully.  Or they caught up in the legalities and think in certain areas that might not be true. (such as a minor child breaking a law)  All of that being said....here is why I like it.

You are responsible for your actions and reactions.
As a believer, I do my best to live for an Audience of One.  God.  To follow fast after Jesus Christ to try and align my thoughts, love and understanding of the world and people with His.  To allow the Holy Spirit to inhabit my being so that my actions and reactions might be pleasing to my Lord.  The fruits of the Spirit.  Loving the Lord God with all that I am and then choosing to love others as He loves them.
I have to answer to Him.  So I don't have permission to just run about saying and doing what I want.  I lived that way.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.  There is no freedom in that.  You can do great harm to yourself and others living that way. 
Choosing to love, to understand, to give, to wait, to be faithful.  They are not always the popular choice however.

You are not responsible for the actions and reactions of others.
But know that striving to live right with Him, sometimes makes you unpopular with the world.  You might lose friends, you might be "that" person.  You might find others irritated with you for where you stand on different issues.  People are people and we all are on our own journey and make our own choices.  It is not your responsibility if someone makes an unwise choice. Just like it's not theirs if you do. You will have family and friends that will deal with difficult consequences from poor choices.  You are not responsible for that. (doesn't mean you can't love and support them, but you don't have to shoulder the burden as yours) We are not responsible to try and make others happy.  We are not responsible to try and change people's minds.
We can let go, release what isn't ours to take and stand firm.
Choosing to extend grace, have patience, show compassion and release.

After a few days of tortured heart, I am reminding myself of this.

He sits on the throne!!

That's what I got today.